Bittersweet dream

I had a dream the other day. Dennis and I were together in the bathroom (I know, weird right? But continue reading, this won't be a TMI post), and I was about to take a pregnancy test. We both watched as the liquid slowly went up to the testing window of the small plastic panel, and revealed two dark lines. Positive, in other words. I remember the feeling of bliss, joy, elation, happiness and all other words synonymous to pure happiness so vividly, I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. The feeling still felt so so so so real hours and days after that morning. I hadn't experienced anything like that before -- that kind of unadulterated, almost out-of-body sense of pure happiness, and it was unlike any pain I've also ever felt in my entire life.

OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.

As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.

Busy-bored

Realized something yesterday. While this line of work is very busy (busier in some ways than my previous job, because it covers 3 separate companies and involves shadowing a very busy man), I am also tremendously bored by it. As in I-can-fall-asleep-as-I-talk-or-think-about-it bored.

This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.

You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?

Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.

Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.