Goodbye, 2014! Hello,2015!

As this year comes to a close, I find myself in deep deep gratitude as I recap the blessings we received this year. Finally getting pregnant is the biggest highlight of the year, and I know giving birth and finally meeting our precious little fighter will be 2015's best moment. And for that, I am thanking all my lucky stars. Thank you thank you. Getting to this point was definitely challenging, riddled with many heartbreaks and disappointments. But as every ultrasound showed me, it all just melts away when I come face to face with our little fighter via the ultrasound machine. I can't wait for June when the real face-to-face happens. 

On the career end, I got promoted to AVP level, much to my surprise. I honestly thought I was just coasting along at work, as it was a convenient pit stop professionally as I pursued infertility treatments. All I asked for was some flexi time and understanding. A promotion and all the benefits that come with it was the furthest thing from my mind. A blessing when you weren't looking. Thank you. 

On the finances end, we really took a beating here. Two rounds of ivf and a hell lot of other medical conditions amounted to such a big cash-based expense, but no complaints here. All that was worth it to finally be on the way. I am grateful to have had the chance these past 4 years to get bonuses to save for this big project of our marriage. If it wasn't for this "war chest", I know I'd be stressing out now. 

The year wasn't filled with travel-- that's one thing that sets 2014 apart from the three other years we've been married. Other priorities took over. I'm grateful to have gotten so travel-drunk the past few years that I barely even noticed we haven't been traveling much. Onto other priorities, I guess. 

Thank you, 2014. You're ending in such a brighter, better way that you started. 

Welcome, 2015. All I ask is that you bring me a healthy, happy baby --- healthy in mind, body and spirit--- and a safe pregnancy and delivery. No other requests. 

:) Cheers!!!

Nuchal translucency test: Passed!

So I had my first trimester screening the other day, and baby passed! It measures the thickness of the back of the neck to check for any swelling. My baby's measured 1.1cm and I think the upper limit of normal is 4. So yay!

And here's a shot from the ultrasound!

(I must say, Kato takes better ultrasound pics than St Lukes) :p

Hello there, little love! You were so good the other day, staying on your side as the doctor measured the back of your neck. Good job! :)

The sweetest video EVER

Sharing and posting this here because it's one of the best digital campaigns I've ever stumbled upon and the sweetest video ever made--

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0C5R_12zpKM

Thanks to IVF, I know the exact date of our "first day together", little one. And Mommy loves you too. So much more than you will ever ever know. 

<3

Graduation from KATO!

Last Sunday, Kato gave me my walking papers, which refers to a medical certificate, a medical referral letter, an IVF report and an ultrasound report, meant to aid my OB (who will now handle my pregnancy fulltime). I got released at less than 10 weeks because they said there was no medical reason to keep me there longer - I had no bleeding, my cervix is closed and the baby is growing on schedule. I was so happy! Part of me never stopped bracing for something wrong, and to hear that I ticked all the boxes brought such great relief and encouragement - I've done well in optimizing myself for this baby, despite all the other issues I have. 

Also the highlight of Sunday was seeing our babylove again! This time, she grew so much bigger and even managed to show us several times that she can now wiggle her arms and legs. Awwww <3

Here she is! Dennis took a video, which I'll find a way to post here somehow. Now that I'm turned over to an OB, my ultrasounds won't be as frequent anymore, so I'm very glad to have this video to play over and over until next month when I get to take a peek again:)

2 months!

Officially 2 months pregnant, or 8 weeks 1 day to be very exact. 

Had my 8th week scan today and this time, my loving mama came along with me as Dennis couldn't get out of a work commitment. I was also happy to have my mom there, to experience this miracle with her and to share with her the overwhelming joy of seeing that strong heartbeat flickering on the screen. There's no more glorious sight to behold in this entire world, I tell you. 

So here's my little love @ 2 months gestation:

Our little bean is now 1.5cm, right on time, it seems, and the lovely little heart is beating at 151bpm. Love. My heart is full. 

Next up is a consult with my immunologist. She still has me on 10mg of Prednisone daily, which I would like to ask if it can be lowered. While I know many people take it throughout pregnancy, I would like to continue taking medication that is absolutely necessary. Especially as Prednisone is a steroid. 

Then again, because it's meant to manage my ANA-positive condition, a part of me is also nervous to cut down on the meds. Does that sound strange? Because I waited for this little love for so long, I want to do everything in my power to optimize and protect this pregnancy. I just find myself flipflopping on the best steps to achieve that goal. 

Anyway, that issue aside, pregnancy is so far so good to me. Except for the bouts of nausea and the constant upper-back spasms. What's up with that?! I read somewhere the back cramps may be due to my boobs becoming heavier and as I wasn't particularly athletic pre-pregnancy, my back is complaining. Geez. I wonder if that's true. As it is, my back spasms bother me enough to wake me from sleep. 

But no complaints. At all. Anything for my little love. Anything. 

My heart is truly full. So this is what gratitude feels like.

Miracle Birthday 2014

Posting this because:

- I did this just now

- I've never seen a "successful" one before

- I wanted a more "traditional" proof of our miracle especially since making it happen had us traveling down an unconventional path

- I just want to ;)

Even if I first found out officially about a week and a half ago, I still wanted to pee on a preggers stick. I want to see that positive second line - the more conventional way that people find out they're on the way. It was as satisfying as I imagined. I loved it. Loved looking at it. Loved waving it around at my husband. Loved it. 

Love the little one finally finding its way and is burrowing into my uterus. 

Love love love. 

I didn't want to update sooner because.... well, I guess a part of me was still "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Infertility traumatizes in so many ways and I am surprised to experience this weird sense of "bracing" for the miracle to be taken away. Getting disappointed way too many times does that to you. Failing too many times can make you start to doubt if you deserve to succeed. A part of me wanted more proof, before I could allow myself to write these words. 

By no means am I over it - this sense of "bracing" - but I do feel like the unbelievably good news has started to sink in more and more each day. Especially - most especially - during the milestone little victories whenever we have a blood test and ultrasound (now every 5 days) to make sure the baby is growing well. One good side in IVF is the constant monitoring. I find myself waiting for the next check to put my mind at ease that everything is going well. 

We've told some people but not too many - just family, very good friends who've been with us in this journey and of course, as a matter of necessity, my colleagues because they needed to understand my frequent skip-outs and absences. 

We've also allowed ourselves to dream - to imagine, to think farther ahead. We've also started saying "baby" instead of embryo. And saying "baby" sends so much joy into my heart- more than I can ever express. 

I know there's still a long road to go from here. I'm only 5 and a half weeks along, and due to my immunologic issues, there are many things to manage. But I am all prepped for it. Injections of heparin have to be done daily. And those shots can hurt. They can look innocent like this -

But they can cause bruises on the stomach as bad as this --

(Don't be too alarmed. Since then I've learned to inject very very slowly, as in over 3-4 minutes, and to wait 10 seconds before pulling the needle out. But still, this mother fucker of a bruise still freaked me out when it appeared hahaha)

On top of that, I need to double up on acupuncture and to continue my LIT rounds. Pricey when they all pile up, but no money has ever been more worth spending. 

What else... Not much symptoms so far but I know it's still early. The only big one so far is the cramping in the early morning, enough to wake me up. I just find myself talking to the baby, telling it to go ahead and keep growing and not worry about the cramping. Mommy can take it all and much much more just to make sure he/she is healthy and growing strongly. Nothing else matters. 

Love. 

This has been the best birthday, best month, best time of my life. I can't find enough words to describe it - truly a dream come true. 

Thank you so much. 

Thank you. 

My heart is full. 

PUPO take 2!

Okay, I mentioned before what PUPO meant, right? In infertility lingo, it means "pregnant until proven otherwise" and this is a term that women use after undergoing an embryo transfer, because technically, you have a living embryo in your uterus but then it's too early for you to know for sure if it took and if the pregnancy has officially begun. Anyway...

So yesterday was my FET. I arrived at KATO at 11am to get my blood drawn for my progesterone level. My last blood work showed that my P4 levels were on the low side of normal so the doctor said we have to check again on FET day to make sure I was making enough progesterone. It was a bit of a wait as there was a marked increase in the number of women who were there at the same time. So Dennis and I took turns playing games on the iPad (I’m currently obsessing on Diner Dash 2015, try it!) to pass the time. After an hour, the doctor went to me and said “we’re a go!” Hoorah!

So the next step was for the embryologist to thaw my lone blastocyst (which took 7 days to achieve blasto stage, coming from a semi mature egg that went through IVM or in vitro maturation) and see if it can survive enough for transfer. We were sent off to lunch and told to come back in an hour. Nerves in my midsection once again!!! I prayed that my dear little fighter could survive the thawing process. I knew it developed slowly back in June when we did the retrieval (if you want a reminder of how this part of the story unfolded, go to this: http://mylittlesanctuary.blogspot.com/2014/06/embryologist-consult.html)

I guess it’s due to being only half-mature at the egg stage and I read somewhere that the energy for an embryo to go along the dev’t stages all came from the egg. Ironically though, this particular blasto originally had a companion – a second egg cultured to blasto stage using a mature egg. I would’ve assumed the mature contender would make a stronger blast but surprise surprise, it disintegrated on day 6. My little fighter of a semi-mature egg turned slowly into a blast by day 7 and held on! Wow! The embryologist was initially concerned about its slow dev’t but it made it on Day 7 and was sent to be frozen. So that brings my frozen inventory to 2 : one blast and one day-2 embie. Then I found out I had autoimmune conditions that I had to address first before doing the transfer phase. So my two snow babies were frozen from then on until October when my LAT scores finally went up.

Okay, so back to my FET story. We came back from lunch early and waited anxiously for the thaw report. We were called in after a few minutes and were told that yes, our little fighter made it to thaw and the embryologist subjected it to laser assisted hatching or LAH as they called it because they felt its outer shell was harder than they wanted it to be, especially considering that this blast was on the “weaker” side as its dev’t was quite slow at the onset. They said this LAH step should increase its chances of implanting because the hatching part will easier. I hadn’t quite thought much about assisted hatching at that point but I felt what they said made sense. I was then led to the prep room to prepare for the transfer.

The transfer itself went well partly because I already knew what to expect. I emptied my bladder and changed into the gown and put on my OR cap in quick succession. No more tentative steps like with my first ivf. This ain’t my first turn on the merry-go-around after all. While waiting to be called into the OR, I said a prayer and found myself sobbing the words out in my head. I prayed for a safe procedure and a successful transfer. I prayed that this little fighter was going to be our take-home baby. There’s got to be a reason why it was able to hold on against the odds. I cried out all my anxiety and found a sense of calm afterwards. Just in time to be called into the OR.

The actual procedure felt a bit more painful than I remembered. Maybe because I had given Dr. Mendiola a printout of my bicornuate uterus beforehand (which I didn’t do the first time around) to guide him on where to best deposit the embryo. As a result, he seemed to have prodded around a bit before settling on a spot. I hope this was a good sign. Everything else was routine. Oh and my uterine lining was a good 10! Yay!

In the end, I got this picture of our expanding blast and got sent home with Progynova, progesterone suppositories and Dydrogesterone tabs to take until my beta day next week. That was a surprise for me as I thought it would take 9 days to do my blood test. Apparently, the LAH cut down a bit of the wait time and I test for the outcome exactly a week after. Nice. Less waiting time means less crazy time with the hormones messing with my head and my emotions and with the idle time on my hands leading me to Google stuff online that I shouldn't be reading anyway. Haha!

And here’s the snapshot of my little fighter. Say hello!

It was graded a "D" with A being the highest. I am not sure how they do blastocyst grading in KATO, as it doesn't coincide with world standards (or maybe American standards, to be precise, which uses a mix of numbers and letters in blastocyst grading). In any case, I figure, there's no use obsessing about it anyway, since I would have still done the transfer no matter what the implications of the grading may be. This little fighter will get his or her chance to grow into a baby inside me, and only fate will be the final arbiter if it makes it or not.

Hang in there, little fighter! Mommy loves you already.

Waiting for you, love!

Looks like we're a go for Tuesday's embryo transfer of our Day-5 embaby. Please pray for us that everything goes well!!

I have this superstitious thing of doing everything differently from the first ivf round, in the hopes that it leads to a different result. For instance, no staycation this time. Plus, I'll do a traditional Pinoy hilot in the abdominal area tonight as a form of prep work for Tuesday. I'm also not taking the entire 10 days off from work. I'll only be out for 4 working days, giving myself about 6 days post transfer to let the embryo implant. After that, I'll go back to the office for about 3-4 more days before the results day. I'll also do acupuncture the day after the transfer. All these things, I did differently in the first round. I know it's pure superstition but hey, what if it works?! Hehe. 

Praying for you to come along this time around, little love. Let this be IT. 

So this happened today...

I pray it's a harbinger of better things to come in the future, specifically this month as we try again to fulfill our baby dream! 

From my coworker, as texted to her by HR:

Good morning. I'm rushing to include Gladys' midyear promotion to Center Head/AVP for implementation this coming payroll. I think  you'd concur but I still need your "yes" to my sms then I'll send the panel feedback form ☺ Tks.

Grateful. 

Very grateful. 

This happens just when we wrapped up last weekend by talking about finances, cutting back and managing better. Can't help but see this as a sign that things will be alright, that Someone up there looks out for us, and that (hands together in prayer) we'll see the fruition of that which we have been wishing for for so long. 

Thank you again, my earthly boss. And thank you even more, to the Boss up there. You made this happen. 

:)

Start of FET and a bit of a story about an ex-friend

Okay, just a small update: Yesterday marked the first day of my first frozen embryo transfer (aka FET) cycle, which means I'm off to Kato today after an almost 3-month break due to immunological issues. It's time to resume my IVF and get our little frozen embaby transferred by mid-October. Wish us luck!!

What I wanted to blog about today doesn't concern infertility. Surprised? Hehe. I'm sorry if this blog has sort of morphed into an infertility memoir but I guess that's unavoidable as it's the single most significant force in my life now. Anyway, there are a lot of other things going on and I feel that maybe this one recent occurence should be written down so I can remind myself in the future why I decided to go a certain route with regard to a certain friend. 

Okay, I have this good friend (friend of about 10 years or so) who's always been that girl with issues - aka hyperdriven at work to compensate for loneliness in other parts of her life, who can be a bit judgmental, a bit hard to manage but overall a loving and caring person. I've always sought to understand her as she also endeavored to support and understand me as well. I've always thought we had a solid friendship. Until now. 

It started with a phone call. She called me in hysterics and told me she was in my brother's restaurant and was enraged at the staff for refusing to accept her JCB credit card. Backgrounder: She is the country manager for JCB in the Phils and one of their major business challenges is market acceptance and understanding that partner-bank terminals can accept their cards. This has thrown her into a hissy fit before, and I witnessed it myself when we had brunch in a different place about a year ago. Anyway, she told me the server quoted management directions that indicate JCB cards were not accepted in their establishment and since I didn't know the full story why that was the case, I told her I was saddened to hear what happened and that I will ask my brother. I felt at that point, what else was there for me to say? She went on and on though, even going to the point of telling me "I am here altruistically supporting your brother and this is what I get in return? I will never come back here again!"

That got me upset, as you can imagine. But at this point, I still held it together and told her I'll find out what happened. 

We then hung up the phone and I whatsapped my brother to ask what happened. While waiting for his reply, I checked the FB notifications I've been receiving this entire time and was flabbergasted to see that this incensed friend had the gall to post about being in my brother's resto and tagged me in the post. Which meant my family and frienda on FB could see it. This by itself is not something to react to, you might say. I would agree, except she updated her status by adding that the place is horrible, she wanted to puke out everything she ate and never wanted to go back there. Basically badmouthing it. To my face, since I was tagged. In front of the world, at least the FB world. 

This was the last straw. 

By this time, my brother replied. The explanation was that JCB wasn't part of the regular module of their POS provider and while their BDO terminal could accept the charge, it cannot be read by the POS and hence their chits won't tally at the end of the day and the imbalance would mean accounting issues later on. He also said that he has requested for the additional module, which would cover JCB and Amex, but the supplier hasn't sent someone over to install. He went on to ask if my friend was still upset and what he could do to appease her in the meantime. My brother's nice reply made me feel even madder at my friend, as he was extending extra courtesy to her given my friendship, yet she went on to lambast his establishment IN SPITE of our friendship. Anyway, I replied a simple "it's okay, I'll handle it" and left it at that. I went on to FB and untagged myself from the awful post. And replied to my friend via text a seething explanation. 

I told her the reason why her beloved card couldn't be accepted. And suggested to her that perhaps instead of blowing her top at merchant partners, her company should just invest in PR with POS providers and in an educational campaign with merchants. I then ended with telling her I did not appreciate her tone, choice of words and actions about this issue. I did NOT owe her anything, and how dare she rub in my face that she was "altruistically" supporting my brother. I never made friends spend money in my family's businesses if they didn't want to and I soooo did not appreciate being made to feel that way. I felt her behavior cheapened our friendship and made it look like it was made of nothing of value. If she didn't care how her words could hurt me and my family, then that says a lot about her, not me. 

I remember being so mad, my hands were shaking. Dennis just hugged me to try and comfort me. I felt so attacked. I felt my family was unduly attacked. By a friend, no less. 

She then texted back some bullshit message about being stressed at work, pressured to expand the business, etc. even dragged feng shui into it, about it being a bad year for her sign. I don't give a rat's ass. That's not a valid reason to hurt people.

Anyway, cut to a few weeks later where she texts me that our common friend was in town and was in pain over a recent career situation. I knew it was an effort to reach out to me but I wasn't ready to engage with her. Texted back a curt "yes I know. I'm in touch with her. Thanks" to which she replied "okay" and a "sorry na" in reference to what happened. Firstly, "sorry na" ain't an apology in my book. Secondly, what happened isn't something a text could make disappear. I ignored it. 

A replay (meaning she texted again when our common friend was about to fly out, saying pretty much the same thing including the apology with matching "it won't happen again") happened about 2 weeks later. Also ignored it. 

At this point, I am no longer mad at her as much as I am disappointed and disillusioned. I cannot view our friendship the same way again. How can I just sweep this under the rug? 

I still don't know how to talk to her again without thinking of what happened, so I have not talked to her in months. I just can't shake it off. What has been said cannot be unsaid. A line that's been crossed cannot be uncrossed. 

And while I may be able to eventually fully forgive her, I cannot forget it. So while I don't harbor bad feelings anymore, I also cannot say I have positive feelings towards her either. No motivation to start up a conversation again, much less a bond. I have no interest in the idea. At all. And without that, how can a friendship survive and move forward? Does that make sense to you? 

So there we are. Ex-friends. Not by my design. Sad but I don't know how to change how I feel.

Lesson learned too. Definitely avoid opening your mouth and speaking your mind when you're upset. :-/

More hormones and a tear-jerker of a photo

So today, I researched "Prednisone" - the latest in the lineup of drugs I take for management of my various infertility issues. It's a synthetic hormone and it's designed to lower your immune system to allow better chances of implantation. I just read that the common side effects are insomnia, weight gain / bloating, steroidal osteoporosis (shit!), sometimes depression and mania (this I experienced early on, like on the second day --- freaky!). Insert big sigh. Oh well, just gotta suck it all up. I hope it works for this natural cycle, or if not, for next month's FET (frozen embryo transfer) when we resume IVF in October.

So if I'm extra bloated the next time you see me, please be polite and don't say anything about it. Hehe.

Meanwhile, saw this online in an infertility blog and instantly cry as soon as I read it. The blogger and her husband were on a vacation and were on a hiatus after an almost 4-year battle with infertility. At the resort, part of the activities they joined was this sort of 'get to know you' thing among guests, like this "before I die" bucket list. Her husband had this answer:

It made me cry. Only because it could have been an answer of my own husband. He wants nothing more - absolutely NOTHING MORE in this world-  than to be a dad.

LAT: check!

Today's good news! 

So we'll do one more "for the road" then we can hurry back to our frozen embabies next cycle! Wish us luck and please continue praying! :)

To Whom It May Concern

A song I'm loving now.

I know it was written addressed to a future lover, but to me the song represents my wait for my precious child.

Listen :)

"To Whom It May Concern"

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Envy

I won't lie. Pregnancy announcements bring me so much pain. Anguish. Envy. Sometimes anger. Envy. Bitterness. Sadness. Envy. Despair. 

And envy. 

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Have you ever had just one wish, one dream fill every idle thought? Have you ever prayed just one prayer, the same prayer, for years and years, wondering if it gets heard? Have you ever changed your life so much, sacrificed so much, to try to have something others get seemingly so easily? In a drop of a hat. In a month's try. Just like that.

Some people even go on to share that they've "waited" for it, for a year, for 6 months. Hearing that tears at my already battered heart just a little bit more. Let me tell you what waiting really means. 

Some proudly proclaim it was a stroke of luck. Some call it an unexpected blessing. Reading that on a post is like getting ice sliced through my chest. Not that I don't think they deserve the blessing, but my knee-jerk thought revolves around wondering if we deserve it less. And if we did, what did we do to have this fate thrown on our laps? What did we do that was so wrong?

But after all those feelings of pain, anger and even bitterness subside, the longer lingering emotion that is much tougher to quell is bone-crushing envy. I want want want want want to be in her shoes. So bitterly badly. So desperately badly. I would trade everything in my life to be in her lucky shoes. I am not a jealous person by nature, so being jealous over someone else's blessing hurts me probably the most out of all these feelings evoked by a pregnancy announcement - feelings I never wanted to have. 

You see, I am a good person. I wish people well. I wish people good luck. I am happy for people when something good happens to them. I celebrate alongside people I love. I pray for other people's intentions. I am a good person. 

But this good person is also human. And this good person gets sad. Very very sad. This good person's good nature has taken quite a beating from infertility. This good person feels so much unwanted jealousy that it brings on so much shame. I am not this bitter, jealous person. I am not. Infertility can't make me.  It can't.

But it does. 

I let it. Tonight. When I saw that announcement on Instagram. I allowed all those feelings in, and I allowed myself to cry. 

Because even good people have bad moments. And even good people have bad emotions. I allow myself that. 

Tonight. I cry. 

Second Donor LIT done!

Next up: Blood test on Sept 2! Wish us luck!

Fuji!!!

Gigil over these photos!! Love you, baby girl!!

LIT session #3, donor session #1

Donor needed

So, the LIT didn't work, at least not with Dennis' blood. The doctor reassured us it's quite common among the Chinese, maybe because Chinese couples tend not to intermarry, for many many generations, hence our blood may be a bit too alike. So the next course of action is to get donated blood from someone not Chinese and see how I respond after 2 sessions. The theory is the more foreign the blood source, the better the reaction.

At first we thought of who among our friends can be asked to donate. But then when you take into account the preparation, screening of blood (also an extra expense), additional time and the drive to Katipunan, times 2 for 2 sessions, it's quite a lot to ask of someone as a favor. So we opted to go with the clinic's stable of donors, who sell their blood for 1,000 per session, and who have already been screened. And this way, only my and the doctor's schedule will be taken into account. The donor will usually just follow the sched. 

So there you go. I'll do the first session tomorrow. Another 17k (times two!) about to go down the drain. I don't mean to complain but a part of me is frustrated it didn't work with Dennis when I had such high hopes it would. Although, I did mention here that the second round using Dennis' blood didn't seem to register much of a reaction. Maybe that was a clue. 

On the other hand, my thyroid seems to have responded to medication and has improved and decreased to the acceptable level. So it's the LIT nalang and we should be good to go back to Kato. 

Yesterday we were at a birthday party with Dennis' law school friends and I realized with sadness that out of about 12 couples, it's just us and another couple (who incidentally is also doing LIT and acupuncture in the same places that we go to!) that have yet to have a little one. Infertility can be horribly and painfully isolating, and that was probably one of the worst isolation moments for me. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. It seems like everyone has eventually gotten there at one point or another, even those that had a bit of difficulty too and used to consult me on treatment options. Then there's us. Can't help it, it also feels really unfair and very cruel. Of all people, why us? 

Ok, pity party is over. It's a holiday today and we're doing a GoT marathon. Happy vibes only. While I can't change our situation, I can always manage my attitude about it. It's normal to feel down but there's always the choice not to stay down. 

Fight! LIT, be nicer to me this time around!

Downton Abbey and The White Queen

A bit of a break from the infertility talk, lest people think I am not capable of thinking of or talking about other things apart from infertility :p Let's talk about TV series!!!

I've recently discovered two titles that I couldn't stop watching. I couldn't believe I've gone on without seeing them earlier! One is the White Queen, a British television drama series with just 10 episodes, written as a combination of the bestselling historical novels of Philippa Gregory -- The Cousin's War, composed of three installments The White Queen, The Red Queen and the Kingmaker's Daughter. A mix of love story, magic, medieval royalty and war, it was so engaging from start to finish that I often sneaked in an episode or two in the evenings before I slept even if I could barely keep my eyes open :p

The other one is Downton Abbey, a multiawarded British costume drama television series, set in a fictional country estate of the same name. It tells the story of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants, set in the picturesque and elegant post-Edwardian era, with big events in world history set as the backdrop of the storytelling. For instance, the first episode was told as an offshoot of the sinking of the Titanic while the last episode of Season 1 was set amidst the start of the first world war.

I love how the era is presented in this series in such an elegant and beautiful way, with social graces being a top priority in the way people dealt with each other, where men were all gentlemen regardless of rank, and all women were ladies. Please do watch it!

Sharing...

I shared our story under a pseudonym and through BabyHopeful, to try to raise awareness and help other people out. 

Also want to share this photo I found online and I felt is such an apt answer to my boss who recently asked me at what point do I give up on my dream--

I know he is very professional, sometimes to the point of being cold, and he never underwent anything remotely near what we're going through. But still. Insensitivity is one of society's worst crimes against infertility sufferers. This is a good answer to that question. 

Hey, hubby, it's your birthday! :p

It's my darling husband's birthday today. I don't know where I'd be without him -- he who has stood by me, loved me, accepted me, cherished me, believed in me through both the best of times and the worst of times. So on the occasion of his 35th birthday, I :

- thank the good God above for leading me to him and for paving the very smooth way for us to get together and be together.

- thank him for :
(1) loving my family and taking them as his own
(2) loving me through our bout with infertility, which has yet to mark its happy ending, and for wanting it to conclude happily as much as I do
(3) always giving me the benefit of the doubt, sometimes even when I don't deserve it
(4) always making me feel beautiful, even in those first few minutes in bed after waking up wherein I know I am nowhere near presentable
(5) making me laugh, making me smile and making me blush
(6) thinking of me first and foremost, in everything in life
(7) providing for me and our home
(8) dreaming the same dreams as I do and working his hardest to make them come true

- promise him even happier and fuller next 35 birthdays and beyond (all the way up to 90!)

This is for you. The perfect song for our perfect love :)

All of Me

Happy birthday, my love!

Photo with Fuji on her baptism :)

LIT working....? I hope....

I just notice today that my second LIT is not making a mark. Literally. My skin is just a tad reddish but apart from that, nothing else. Here it is at Day 5 post-injection -

In fact, the two little red dots you see there are leftover marks from my first session. Then you see a little reddish area with a greenish bruise-like tinge, then that's it! No bump. No irritation. No itch. 

I wonder what this means. I hope it bodes well for me. 

Updates

Had our second LIT session last Saturday --

Dr Aleta gave me instructions to do another blood test in two weeks so we can see if the treatment is working. If not, we would need to look for another donor. Apparently, some patients who have friends who are also undergoing the same thing can swap blood samples. This makes things easier because at least you know your donor and the donor won't feel so inconvenienced since it's an x-deal. Good thing, Dennis and I both have friends who are doing LIT too. So if ever we need more sessions and a different  donor, we have standby already. 

In other news, it was baby Fuji's baptism the other day. Here she is in her pretty pink lacey dress :)

Love love love!

More surprises. And confusion.

So the other day, I got my NK cells results and wanted immediately to go see Dra Velez to get an interpretation. Recall that as of my first visit to her, I was still lacking my NK panel results. So, when I got them the other day, I sent her the results via email and texted her to see if I can meet her that day. I quite liked her during our first meeting, so I was hopeful to get the same reception and same level of care. More than that, I was hopeful that my results meant I don't have to deal with NK issues, as they are the mother-fucker of fertility immunology conditions and are SO expensive to hurdle.

Lo and behold, she told me that judging from my results, I would need intralipid infusion therapy, hereby defined as: "Intralipid infusion therapy is a treatment, which is administered through an IV drip in the arm made from soya bean oil, egg yolk, glycerin and water. Intralipid Infusion therapy provides the body with essential fatty acids that help to lower the activity of Natural Killer (NK) cells." I started to worry, first about what this means for our IVF attempts then secondly about what it means financially. Each infusion costs a pretty significant 5-digit figure each time, and from what I know, I'll need several rounds to keep the NK cells from acting up. She said that a certain CD36 level was high, so I needed these treatments to stabilize them. I didn't quite understand. The text was short and didn't really provide enough explanation.

So I texted her back and asked if I could see her. I also called her landline to ask the nurse if I can get squeezed in. At this point, there was a good hour before her appointment schedule was over for the day.

Then I got brushed off - she essentially asked me to ask my LIT doctor about it since she may also perform it anyway. Whuuuut?! Is this because I chose not to get my LIT injections through her clinic, which was charging a good 8-9k MORE than the clinic in Katipunan?! Is this politics at work?! OMG.

Anyhow, I decided to ignore her and made a plan to see a different doctor - Dra Aleta, who held clinic in RAI Center in SLukes. Incidentally, this is also the doctor who gave me the LIT injections and who I think owns the Katipunan blood lab. Her appointment schedule was that same afternoon, so I figured I'll just go to her to get the results explained. I couldn't wait another day before getting the interpretations and the implications.

This is when I started getting really confused. Dra Aleta basically had opposite interpretations and recommendations as Dr Velez, save for the LIT which they both agree I needed. Dra Aleta told me that she is concerned about my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels because while they are normal for an average adult who is not trying to get pregnant, the levels are also way beyond the maximum of 2.0 that is optimal for those who do want to get pregnant. So she recommended that I took thyroid hormones to lower this level of TSH so I can reach the optimum level before I restart IVF. She also told me I didn't need intralipid infusions because the NK cells level result I have is within range. She also asked me to do 2 more tests, because all the paperwork I showed her still lacked 2 more tests to complete the fertility immunology workup.

I was stumped. How can two doctors say exactly the opposite things when looking at the same sheets of paper!?

I then turned to Dr Google - aka the repository of knowledge when one is stumped and has no one (at least no living, breathing person) to turn to.

So far, my research has supported Dra Aleta's assertions. My TSH level is indeed below fertility-optimal levels. I also read that the NK cells level she was reading seems to be within normal range. So so far, Dr Google affirmed Aleta's reading and not Velez's. I don't know what to make of this.

Even my husband, who is a biology major, is stumped. He doesn't want me taking hormones until the recommendation is validated by a 2nd opinion. So I made an appointment with another immunologist, who is actually my sister-in-law's immunologist, to get his reading on the matter. Hopefully he aligns with Aleta too so that I can move forward with her recommendations, because I am sick of just standing in place! Part of me wants to get moving already with our embryos and start trying again. But the other part does understand that I need to sort out these immunology stuff to better optimize my system to receive my embryos. But waiting sucks! This third doctor, Dr Gloria, is apparently super duper busy and is only available next Wed. Next Wed! A full week from now. A full week wasted. Grrr. The OC in me is not pleased.

But Dennis is adamant that I get his opinion first. So wait is all I can do for now. And research.

Hay.  Waiting sucks. Being confused sucks.

:-S

Blogs that inspire me in this journey

Part of the survival kit for infertility is to look for other people going through infertility and deriving inspiration from them. Here are two of my favorite blogs --

1. A husband and wife team-up :
http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/

2. A witty ex-marketer, now SAHM living a life totally different from what she envisioned :
http://scrambled-eggs.org/

Enjoy!

Slowly getting better!

Day 5 after LIT -- still two big, angry, insect bite-looking spots with a bit of a rash and a bit of itching left over.

Hopefully it'll be gone by the weekend. Next round in about 9 days' time! 

First immunology treatment

So I just did the first of hopefully only 2 LIT sessions last Sat. The nurse came over at 6am as agreed and extracted 10 vials of blood from a sleepy, groggy Dennis. I'm a bit nervous at this point because I had forgotten to tell Dennis to abstain from alcohol the night before, and he had gone out with friends Friday night and of course had several rounds of scotch. After researching online, I found out that alcohol is counter-indicated because it tends to lower white blood cell count and tends to water down blood - both not good effects we want on our LIT day. 

Oh well. Guess my husband has tons of blood because when we got to Bloodworks at 10:30am, we found out that they were still able to extract the needed amount of white blood cells. 

So Dr Aleta injected me on the left arm, in 2 injection sites to spread the concentration of the "foreign bodies" for better absorption. It hurt a bit - like being stung by a bee - for about 10 seconds, then it burned.... And burned. 

She had to cover it with bandage to cover it from sunlight. 

So this is how it looks like with bandage -

This is how it looks without it. You'll see two very angry shot marks and the beginnings of a bad, itchy rash --

You also see the bruise on the inside of my elbow -- which I have on BOTH arms. Hideous, I know. But a necessary side effect of all the blood draws I need to get on a very frequent basis. 

So now it's been 2 days after the procedure and I'm happy to report I think I reacted sufficiently to the treatment. Hopefully this means it's working and I reach the required minimum 80% level after the second treatment. 

Wish me continued luck!

Embryologist Consult

So we went to see the embryologist and Dr Mendiola today to find out the status of our embryos. Recall that last June 11, I had my egg retrieval procedure which resulted in the ff:
> 2 mature eggs
> 1 semi-mature (called M1) egg
> and, 2 immature eggs that will be subjected to IVM or in vitro maturation, which hopefully results in their upgrading to mature grade

So after 9 days, here are the results:
> Mature Egg 1 was able to be grown into a Day-2 embryo by June 13 and was frozen as the backup embryo to be transferred if all else fails (scary phrase)
> Mature Egg 2 grew to Day 5 but degenerated by the time Day 6 rolled around
> Semi-mature M1 egg grew but very slowly... only 2 cells by Day 2 and compaction-stage by Day 5, whereas normally, embryos should reach blastocyst stage by this time. It finally reached blastocyst stage by Day 7 (two additional days after the average), and was frozen. This will be our priority contender come transfer time.
> The 2 immature eggs did not make it to maturation.

So we have 2 embryos - a blastocyst and a Day-2-er. Funny, I even gave the 'transfer one or two' thing quite a deep think; yet, it turns out I don't even have that as a choice. We'll transfer the blastocyst first, it being the higher-odds of the two, when I'm ready for the transfer. Day-2-er will be the backup for a future cycle.

Dr Mendiola was very patient with our questions and also assured me that the embryos can stay frozen until my immunologist clears me of the auto-immune issues I have. He has heard of LIT therapy and agreed that it's better to get them done and cleared before going for a transfer.

I'm a bit bummed, to be honest, that we only have 1 of each type. I honestly thought one of the immature eggs would catch up, and then hopefully we have 2 or even 3 blastocysts. I guess I'm just an overachiever by nature and by heart and I guess I expected a lot from my embryos as well. Or maybe a part of me felt that I wanted at least a part of this process to be 'perfect', even if the others aren't. I dunno. Dennis is more optimistic than I'm feeling right now.

Ironically, it's the semi-mature egg that made it to blastocyst stage, and the mature one fizzled out right before it reached it. Funny how nature works. This also gave me an idea of what may have happened during our first IVF round -- maybe that embryo is similar to Mature Egg 2... They're both perfect contenders on Day 2 (IVF round 1 embryo was a Day 2 transfer, if you recall) but didn't result into anything at the end.

Funny.

In an unfunny way.

Oh well.

So tomorrow, we're doing our first LIT treatment. I found this provider based in Katipunan that does home service of the husband blood draw, which saves us the trouble of trekking up to Katips at the crack of dawn (FYI, LIT sessions always involve an early-morning blood draw from the husband because it takes about 4 hours to process the blood to isolate only the lymphocytes, before it is ready to be injected into the wife's... forearm! I don't know why they particularly chose the forearm, as it sounds like a painful transfusion site to me... Anyway...) So they'll arrive at our condo at 6am, get Dennis' blood out into 5-6 vials, and then we're supposed to go to their clinic by around 10:30 or so for me to get the lymphocyte transfusion. Then we'll see how my body reacts to it. From my understanding, the more violent the reaction (i.e rashes, boils-looking angry red inflammations, etc), the better. It is supposed to mean that my body is 'reading' Dennis' genetic material and a 'battle' is being waged, hence starting the assimilation process. The objective is for my immune system to read, recognize and accept Dennis' genetic material as non-threats. Very sci-fi, right?

On my way back to the office earlier from Kato, I couldn't help but cry as I talked to our future child in my thought-voice (of course, I was being chauffeured back, so it was just thoughts running through my idle, in-transit head), telling him or her that, see, this is how much mommy and daddy love you. This is how much we are fighting for you -- that we fight even for your conception to happen, for your implantation to happen, for YOU to happen. It's not meant to be compared to people blessed with natural pregnancies. It was just an expression of the magnitude of sacrifice that we're doing --- a level of sacrifice that sometimes overwhelms me beyond comprehension. We love you, advocate for you and fight for you, even when you are simply an idea, a dream, a hope in the hopefully-not-distant future. We sacrifice so much, to the point that we even 'play' with our health, just to have even the smallest chance of YOU happening. Love. That's all this is all about.

Love.

When you do come around, and I believe in my bones that you will (and you're just choosing when to make your grand entrance), boy, will you be the most loved and cherished child that ever graced this world. If I can bottle up all my hopes and dreams for you, all my fears and doubts, all my pain and endurance, I would, if it can remind you everyday just how WANTED you are.

I love you already.

Another unpleasant surprise!

So I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to do an immunology workup after the first ivf failed. Partial results came out today and the second part which tests for 1 other condition will come out in 2 weeks. 

Surprise! Of the 4 conditions that my results tested for, I have 3 of them. Wow! Talk about a curveball. Curveball because my OB previously told me he doesn't think I fit the profile of someone with immune issues and because, as Dennis' logic goes, how much odds can a couple really take?

Well, I guess fate had other plans. 

First, I have an autoimmune condition VS my husband's (or any other unrelated person) genetic material. If the last ivf did implant for a while, the uterus becomes a hostile environment for it soon after, because my system reads his DNA (which is half of the embryo) as foreign and should be attacked. The solution for this is to do a LIT treatment - lymphocyte immunology treatment or paternal lymphocyte treatment. It involves getting blood from the husband and washing it to isolate the white blood cells. Then infuse this into the wife so that her system can be taught to accept his DNA as "friendly" and not hostile. The immunologist I saw today says that she thinks I'll reach normal levels after at least 2 sessions. And once I do reach the minimum of 80% on this test, I can proceed with the IVF. 

The treatment cost is quite significant too but I don't wanna dwell on it, simply because we'll do it anyway. No use pining over the money. 

Second, I have autoimmune against... Myself! The manifestation of this is blood clotting -- no wonder my legs often feel painful especially when I get my period. It means my blood coagulates as an autoimmune reaction. The treatment for this will be aspirin and daily heparin shots which I'll administer on myself. 

Third, I have thyroid issues. This needed some deep-diving which led me back to the lab today to get more blood drawn out. At this rate, I think my hemoglobin count must be so low already with all the blood draws!

Another test which I'll get in 2 weeks' time will count by natural killer cell count. This is the mother-fucker autoimmune condition of all -- I pray I don't have it. It makes one not able to be pregnant at all and the treatment entails massive amounts of money -- and that says a lot because in our 3 years of infertility, I think I've grown a tolerance for this kind of spending. I pray I don't have it. Please please please. 

I'm so tired. Seriously. What else is out there for us to conquer before we have a healthy baby in our midst?! Dennis breaks down every time we face a challenge and I myself don't know how much longer I can put up a brave front. The fighting spirit that we wring out painfully from our hearts gets a bad bad beating throughout every cycle that doesn't work and every condition that gets uncovered. This is bordering on traumatic, to be honest. And I don't know how much stronger we can remain to be for long. 

Then again, it must be even more painful to lose hope. So we live to fight another day. LIT session 1 will be this Saturday. Fight!

ER Attempt #2!

So I had my egg retrieval (ER) yesterday morning. We got to Kato before 8am and the experience was a bit different for me now that it's my second time to do the procedure. Things felt faster, I think... Or maybe because I was less apprehensive and nervous and more "in control" due to the sense of familiarity. 

After being prepped, it was my turn at around 8:30am. I was surprised to see it was Dr Mendiola- Kato's head practitioner- who was going to do my procedure that morning. Just like the last time, the OR was filled with doctors (Dr Ong-Jao and Dr Perillo were both observing) and nurses and embryologists. Kato's super professional way was such that every single action and result obtained was checked and validated. It made me feel at ease. 

So after cleaning and administering local anesthesia, Dr Mendiola started the procedure by popping the more visible follicles. This process was much more painful than the first time, mostly because it involved multiple follicles. The sensation is half a sharp pain when the needle would  permeate the follicle and an acute sucking pain when the fluid and egg were being suctioned out. 

Anyway, to spare you the yucky details, I was able to generate 5 eggs -- 2 mature, 1 semi-mature and 2 immature. We initially thought we could harvest 8, but it turned out that one was a cyst disguising as a follicle, another one was a follicle but didn't carry an egg inside it, and the 8th one didn't show up for the party. So 5 is what we have. I was happy to know that Kato did in-vitro maturation, which essentially means lab-controlled maturation of an immature egg. This means that our semi-mature egg has about 80% chance of maturing whereas our 2 immature ones have about 25%. I'd take those odds over zero, which is the case if they didn't do IMSI. 

So the plan recommended by the embryologist is to culture 1 egg to day-2 just like last time and culture the balance 2 eggs (or more if the immature ones catch up) to day-5 blastocyst. While there is a 50% chance of mortality among fertilized embryos cultured to day-5, they are believed to be stronger than day-2s and have better chances of implanting. The reserve day-2 one will be frozen and kept for future use. This method allows us to hinge on both styles and have some eggs in each basket, so to speak. 

Dennis also had a good production level yesterday. So happy!

So there. We're going back on June 20 to find out how many fertilized embryos survived the culture process and freezing. Hoping for 100% rate of survival! Please pray for our little embies!!!

Oh and since embryo transfer will be done next cycle, I have a month (roughly) to decide if I want to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. This is noting that ivf embryos tend to have a higher chance of splitting after implantation, resulting to identical twins. And noting that embryos do not have any dependencies on each other in terms of ability to implant, said Dr Mendiola. What this means is if we have 2 embryos that are likely to implant, they will likely both implant whether they were put in together to share a pregnancy or put in separately to be carried in 2 separate pregnancies. And noting that I have a heart-shaped bicornuate uterus that won't stretch as much as the average oblong ones of other women. But a part of me stubbornly feels 2 is better than 1. Hehe. No logical back-up for that sentiment though, and I know carrying twins (much more triplets if an embryo splits; and I refuse to entertain the idea of quadruplets!) is extremely difficult and carries significant risks for mommy and babies. 

I guess I already know the answer. The only upside of putting in 2 is it increases the chance of that particular cycle (but not the chance of each individual embryo, as I mentioned). This means that I can spare myself (and Dennis) the horrible emotional strain and pain of a failed cycle because the cycle has double the odds. Does that make sense? So it's just emotional self-preservation. Vs physical safety and health. I guess I know which one takes precedence over the other. We've just been carrying so much pain throughout this process I can't help but try to find a way to shield us somehow. 

Pray for us please!

Man's perspective

Rare does a man lend perspective on infertility. Much less a pastor! This is a good read and some parts brought tears to my eyes. A part of me feels that while we will be eternally and deeply grateful once we are blessed with a child, we'll also still carry with us a sense of PTSD over this infertility experience. Yes, as in post-traumatic syndrome. It's indeed so traumatic and the experience so unlike other challenges in life, that I think a part of me will never forget it. 

Anyway, here's the link -

http://natepyle.com/the-disgrace-of-infertility

Update!

My ovaries have cooked the eggs enough -- We have a retrieval schedule! It will be on Wed morning, and we're looking at getting at least 3 eggs up to a maximum of 8! Woohoo!

Praying everything goes well!

Waiting for egg retrieval part 2!

After taking minimal stimulation drugs the past week or so, we're now waiting for the schedule of when we can do egg retrieval. Hopefully we get at least 3 eggs and fertilize them. 

I thought that since we were doing minimal stimulation, there won't be side effects the way that traditional IVF patients report having. Turns out the side effects are definitely still noticeable and still quite substantial, to my surprise. I can't imagine how conventional ivf protocols feel at the stimulation period if I already feel like this under minimal stimulation. I'm so bloated and I feel my ovaries are so heavy. There's a strange heaviness that I carry around all day and the doc says that's because of the multiple eggs growing. I am also more irritable and prone to flaring up -- which if you know me well, you'd know is not my nature. I also feel really warm, which is made worse by not being able to drink cold drinks or eat ice cream, as prescribed by my acupuncturist. 

Oh well. I'm just complaining uselessly. The truth is, all this is acceptable and accepted in our quest for Baby Chan :)

Wish us luck today!

You said it!

This post totally gets my perspective about the lonely world of infertility -

https://medium.com/theli-st-medium/the-saddest-room-on-earth-cb2249250830

Please read it if you have time :)

Onto the next round

So, after 3 days from stopping all my medication, I got my period yesterday. This means today, I come back to KATO for another round. Yes, so soon. Yes, I know. 

A part of me was initially overwhelmed by the thought of doing it all again. But with courage shared by my husband, I realized that to stop would be an even scarier proposition.

So today will be the baseline blood work and ultrasound again, to measure readiness of my system for a fresh cycle. Wish us luck!

From what I understood during our initial briefing, if I go for a medicated cycle, we'll do egg retrieval and fertilization on month 1 and do embryo transfer on month 2. This timeline should work out vis-a-vis the immunological workup I'm doing on the side. The results should be out by then, before the embryo transfer. 

I know some people might find all this a bit too much to handle. Believe me, I feel that way sometimes too. But walking through this journey inevitably involves handling multiple considerations all at once, on top of the usual concerns in life and career. It's just the way it is. I read in an article by a reproductive endocrinologist that one thing he can say about infertility patients is that no doctor will ever find a more determined set of patients than those undergoing treatment to have a baby -- there is no patient more motivated, more willing and with more fight in them than people who want a child. This, according to him, is what makes them different from cancer patients. While some emotions may be the same (body is failing me, why me of all people, feels like I'm running out of time, money issues, etc), the reason to keep fighting among infertility patients is what makes them fight harder, longer. 

So here's to fighting again, giving it another shot. May this be it for us. Please!

Next Step: Immunological Workup

So, while waiting for my next cycle, I figured I might as well go for the immunological workup that I've been putting off (and also because Dennis doesn't want me to get it done because it's expensive and because his gut says it'll be negative anyway. Don't ask me why his gut has inputs on medical test results hehe :p )

There are 5 main possible immune problems in pregnancy, which you can get one or several of--
1. The couple's tissues are too compatible; the woman's body considers her placenta as foreign with her immune system activating against the baby
2. Blood clotting problems like APAS
3. An immune reaction to the baby (ANA antibody)
4. The couple produces antibodies to sperm which immobilize and destroy them upon contact
5. Certain white blood cells are overactive like NK (natural killer) cells

So to get tested for all these scenarios, I need to take 2 blood tests -- the first is a set of 5 types of tests, and costs about P12,000 cash. I did this this morning. The second blood test can only be done every Monday, and will cost a whopping 50,000+ pesos, because it's about $1,050 plus a P5,000 shipping fee, as the test can only be processed in the US. I almost fell off my chair when I got quoted the price. OMG.

A part of me shares Dennis' gut feel that I'll be negative for this test. But then, a part of me (a more logical part) says just do it, as knowledge is power. And I've always decided on these things based on what I can live with and what I can not. In this case, our bank account may take a bit of a blow but at least I'll have answers. No regrets.

So, I guess I'll do that the next Monday I can steal some time off work.

:-S

Speaking of work, yes, I'm back at work. Figured the sooner the rest of my life gets back to normal, the faster my heart will feel normal as well. It's still devastating to remember what happened, but we sincerely are recovering, I can feel it.

Please continue keeping us in your prayers.

'Til the next update!

The end of cycle #1

So, the first cycle didn't work.

We were up so early this morning, as we both barely slept a wink, and off to KATO we went for the blood test. After getting blood drawn, we waited almost an hour for our turn to be called. Once we entered the consultation room, Dennis told me (after) that he had already seen from the doctor's face that it didn't work. Me on the other hand, I was so hopeful for good news I had no inkling. I was also a ball of nerves so maybe that made me less conscious of other people in the room.

Almost as soon as we sat down, Dr Jao showed me the blood test results and explained that the figures meant the embryo didn't implant and we had an unsuccessful cycle concluding before us. She also patiently answered all our questions, with the utmost care and really good bedside manners. Despite our shock, we were able to ask some questions on what may have gone wrong and what the next steps can be. After some time, we told the doctor we'll think about it, all the while holding back tears, and waited to be called by the cashier to settle the bill. To be honest, it was quite a surprise for us that it didn't take. I think some part of us felt like this *was* it. That this was the cycle we were waiting for. We were wrong.

So after we left KATO, we both stopped by the Starbucks inside Enterprise to collect ourselves. We were both teary-eyed, and Dennis' initial reaction was that he can't do this again. The heartbreak was just too much. Upon hearing that, I started to cry too (and tried to hold the tears in as much as possible! Oh I wished KATO had empty rooms that disappointed couples could stay in for a bit!). We then decided to take the rest of the day off to be together and grieve together.

We then decided to head off to Raffles (I don't know why there, specifically, but that's where we ended up) and we got a private table near the windows and talked. We also decided to call our respective moms there, and I think there's something about hearing your mom's voice telling you it's all right and that there's always a next time and that it'll happen, don't worry, that makes you believe it. That makes you believe that mommy will always know what to do and what will happen, so if she says it, that's how it will be. Hearing my mom made my tears flow and flow, and I know it brought Dennis much comfort to hear his mom say the same, because after that, he was visibly better and more positive.  I guess no matter what age we grow to, we'll always be our Mommys' children.

Anyhow, we dusted ourselves off and took stock of what our next steps could be. We also went to see my OB and asked him for his opinion. We combined this with what the KATO doctor said and we agreed it was the right next-step for us. We'll try again this coming cycle, as soon as I get my period, that is. We'll try a more aggressive protocol, but still not as aggressive as full-blown conventional IVF. We'll also think about maybe transferring more than 1 embryo this time. Hopefully, we get better results.

I will not lie, disappointment is a bitch. Lest you think it was easy to get over this, it wasn't. Sure, there was a great deal of comfort to be drawn from the fact that we did all we can and I, especially, did my part in making sure we got the best possible outcome. I avoided what had to be avoided, I skipped work, I took all my meds, and I ticked all the boxes. I did everything. I can look myself in the mirror and say I did my part. The rest was up to God. And I guess it wasn't our time yet. Because I did my part, I deserve to be at peace with the outcome... to be able to come to terms with it without any regret or blame. I did what I should have done, no more and no less. I did right by our little embryo; it's just that, perhaps, it wasn't our baby.

I prayed a lot this month too, possibly more than I've ever prayed in my life over such a duration. It was a test of faith for sure, and I'm relieved to realize I come out of it with my faith still intact. I continue to pray, for myself and for everyone else out there suffering from infertility. There's no greater heartache, I think, than to crave for a child and to continue to be denied of it, and no greater love that the love that lies waiting for the child that has yet to live to receive it. When I cried today, I cry also for all these moms-in-waiting, anticipating that day they get promoted to 'mother'. I cry for all the dashed hopes, for the loss of innocence in the happy accidents of conception, for the little deaths died, by every hopeful heart, at every failed cycle. It's almost like a cruel joke, I told my sister-in-law, who is also suffering from infertility. To want something that other people seem to get just at the mere intent of it, and seeming to keep being rejected no matter how long you stay on your knees, begging for it. To want something and sacrifice so much in its name, only to be told that it's still not enough. To want something to the point of trading everything else in your life for it, yet find out that it's going to take more than that.

I pray that my marriage continues to stay strong -- that our love will continue to tide us over in this quest to be parents. I pray for my husband to stay strong, despite the moments of weakness and of temptation to relent to defeat. I pray that we continue to have fight inside us and to keep getting back up, equal times that we are made to fall. Let not this one failure mark us and make us jaded. Let this just be another obstacle for us to go through to get to our baby.

So now I lay IVF Cycle #1 to rest while I gather my strength again to face the upcoming cycle.

May this next try be the lucky charm.

It's tomorrow!!!

Aaaaak! Nerves nerves nerves!!!

Pray for us!!!

Stork Chase Status: A weekend away from the first beta (first of many, I pray!)

So it's the last workday I'm taking off for our Stork Chase. After today, it'll be the weekend, then it'll be Monday morning, aka the first beta blood test. First of many, I pray fervently, because if it's negative, I think that's the end of the road. But if it's positive, it'll be followed up by a few other blood draws over the next few days to make sure that the levels are rising / doubling as they should.

The days seem to have flown by a bit faster than I thought they would and I credit a lot of that to : (1) the Alabang staycation that Dennis took me on ; (2) the many friends I've met up with for various lunches and coffee dates, who made me feel like my days were a bit more exciting. Hehe. Thank you, you know who you are :) ; (3) discovering Fertility Friends (an app) that helped me feel like part of a community and enabled some questions to be answered ; (4) TV series that my husband lovingly downloaded for me, most notably Junior Masterchef which both entertained and gave me really happy vibes. 

Some friends have asked me about symptoms, mostly because they are just as excited as me to find out if we succeeded in this cycle. To date, I've mostly felt bloating (which I read can be progesterone-induced), some soreness on my boobs which comes and goes and really high body temperature, which can also be because we're in the middle of what seems to be the hottest summer that ever graced the Philippines. Apart from that, nothing else. And I've read enough to know that these are mostly due to hormones that I'm taking and less about actual pregnancy symptoms. It's too early for anything to be exhibited. So while it's hard especially when you get excited, I do try to keep my expectations in check.

Speaking of what my friends have been asking me, I found out by accident that a high school friend is also going through IVF, but in Taipei. My parents went there about 2 weeks ago for a business trip and they bumped into my friend's mom (my mom and her were both "uno moms" so they know each other). My mom asked what she was doing in Taipei, and she didn't understand why my friend's mom looked uncomfortable and was spewing out vague answers like, "well, my daughter is undergoing... umm.. she's.... well, she has to.." so my mom, out of compassion, just said "ah she's doing IVF."

So I messaged my friend just to give some support and offer an ear in case she wants to talk. No pressure. I kept the message close-looped, so that if she didn't feel like sharing, she didn't have to. Then, I was surprised when she replied, apart from sharing how she is, with a desperate plea to keep it all under wraps and not tell a single soul, as we have a lot of common friends. Turns out she and her husband are not telling anybody at all apart from their families, because they did not want to be pressured to explain in case things didn't go smoothly.

I respect her wishes and am by no means judging her. I totally understand the rigors of IVF and the emotional roller-coaster you go on when you decide to have it. It just made me more conscious of how 'open' I seem to be about this entire journey. True, I am not broadcasting this on Facebook and have no plans to blab to every single person I meet, but a good number of my friends do know what I'm going through--- about 10 or so, and not counting my officemates who of course need to know what's going on and why I'm going to be on leave. To these chosen people, I have no problems sharing this story, and appreciate so much the support that I get from them, not to mention the prayers that I know get said in my name. But I guess what makes me 'open' is not so much opening up to the people I love, but having no issues with sharing my story to anyone who would like to ask (as long as it's not prying!) and to know more about infertility. I share what I can, including my own situation and challenges. I even toyed with the idea before of having a documentary done on my IVF, if only because I want to raise awareness about infertility -- I do not agree that it should be treated with shame at all. It's a condition that needs to be respected, supported and treated. It's an emotional pain that deserves to be aired and to be comforted. It's a dream that deserved to be dreamed. I can understand the fear of being judged or being pitied if the procedure doesn't work, but I feel that (a) there's nothing wrong with sympathy and empathy; (2) if you judge someone who has infertility, then you are the problem, not the person with the condition, and you ought to be the one shamed.

Anyway, for now, I'm just enjoying the rest of my time off and keeping the good vibes up. I'll also be honest and say that I've started to also try to manage my expectations and at least logically plan up a Plan B -- i.e. when can we try again, how much would I need to set aside, etc. It's the delicate dance that every person going through infertility inevitably has to dance -- the precarious balance between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. On one hand, you pray for your dream to finally come true and believe that you've done all that you can do to make this cycle succeed. But on the other, you also have self-preservation instincts that sort of 'devil's-advocates' and brings up the 'what if it's not good news' part into the discussion you have with yourself. Lots of push and pull happening here, that's for sure.

So, last 3 days of PUPO and off we go on Monday! Wish us luck please! And pray for us! :)