Envy

I won't lie. Pregnancy announcements bring me so much pain. Anguish. Envy. Sometimes anger. Envy. Bitterness. Sadness. Envy. Despair. 

And envy. 

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Have you ever had just one wish, one dream fill every idle thought? Have you ever prayed just one prayer, the same prayer, for years and years, wondering if it gets heard? Have you ever changed your life so much, sacrificed so much, to try to have something others get seemingly so easily? In a drop of a hat. In a month's try. Just like that.

Some people even go on to share that they've "waited" for it, for a year, for 6 months. Hearing that tears at my already battered heart just a little bit more. Let me tell you what waiting really means. 

Some proudly proclaim it was a stroke of luck. Some call it an unexpected blessing. Reading that on a post is like getting ice sliced through my chest. Not that I don't think they deserve the blessing, but my knee-jerk thought revolves around wondering if we deserve it less. And if we did, what did we do to have this fate thrown on our laps? What did we do that was so wrong?

But after all those feelings of pain, anger and even bitterness subside, the longer lingering emotion that is much tougher to quell is bone-crushing envy. I want want want want want to be in her shoes. So bitterly badly. So desperately badly. I would trade everything in my life to be in her lucky shoes. I am not a jealous person by nature, so being jealous over someone else's blessing hurts me probably the most out of all these feelings evoked by a pregnancy announcement - feelings I never wanted to have. 

You see, I am a good person. I wish people well. I wish people good luck. I am happy for people when something good happens to them. I celebrate alongside people I love. I pray for other people's intentions. I am a good person. 

But this good person is also human. And this good person gets sad. Very very sad. This good person's good nature has taken quite a beating from infertility. This good person feels so much unwanted jealousy that it brings on so much shame. I am not this bitter, jealous person. I am not. Infertility can't make me.  It can't.

But it does. 

I let it. Tonight. When I saw that announcement on Instagram. I allowed all those feelings in, and I allowed myself to cry. 

Because even good people have bad moments. And even good people have bad emotions. I allow myself that. 

Tonight. I cry.