My first week back at work

I'm back at Smart! It feels weird - like the place is familiar but also different. Like I know it yet I also don't. People there have been very welcoming- a bit too much, actually. I have fears of coming across as a messiah of sorts, being assigned to head the biggest and most troubled brand, and people think just because I'm back and I'm handing it, it will automatically get better. People, particularly the bosses, have also been way too supportive, if there's such a thing. They will give in to any demand or request I make and that is very scary because they will expect so much more, with every request they grant. So I have been careful. 

I also naively thought I could still keep my old schedule, back when I was still a manager, of coming home at 6-ish and taking long breaks (or just taking breaks, even) at noontime. Life as a brand head ain't so free. I have in fact come home from work no earlier than 7:30pm this week and it's only my first week. I already feel like it's not going to be better anytime soon. 

More than that, I already feel the possibility that my goal of feeding G breastmilk until he is 1 won't be met. Currently, I pump right before leaving for work, during noontime, at 4pm and when I get home around 8pm. This means I have a 4-bag output during the 12 houra or so that I am not with G. The rest of the time, we direct feed. 

This rate of pumping means I only replace what he takes from the frozen stash. But this doesn't take into account growth spurts and the occasional spilled bag or spoiled bag (thawed beyond 24 hours). So I am skating on thin ice here. 

Plus, this first week alone, I feel the "hassle" of pumping. It distracts me and makes me lose my work groove when I do it in office hours. It also interrupts my work sched / meetings sched. I don't know how I can even keep this up. It's not like I can delay the pump sched much too, unless I want to cause a dip in supply, esp at night. Such is the way breastmilk production works. If it's not taken out, more won't be made. 

Aside from the issue on pumping, I also miss G. I don't know how working moms do it because I live near my office as it is and I still feel like an absentee mom. I guess maybe because he is still a baby and I feel he should have more time with me still, or maybe this feeling won't go away until he's at big school and out almost all day anyway. But I do miss my baby boy and vow to maximize the weekend. 

Wish me luck. Again, it's only the start of the year and I already feel nervous, guilty and fearful. Haha! What a start! :p