New job and new "a lot of things"

Wow, I have been neglecting this blog. Haha! It's all because of these new things in my life lately, i.e.:

- A new job! I moved to Visa from Smart last September, to take on a marketing director role, which sounds snazzy and fancy but really is just a title. It's different from my career in Smart, where I had a full team and an army of resources behind me. After all, what is Smart if not about resources. 

Anyway, so this job is an individual contributor role and it's a matrix org so my functional boss is in Singapore whereas I am semi accountable to the Country Manager. Different, right?

It's a small team in the PH of 11 people and we function like that. I'm not used to this home-office-like setup as the physical space is small and we do have to care for the pantry as if it were our own personal space. Again, the army in Smart is a huge point of stark difference. 

I've also been on 3 trips to SG in the past 3 months (my first 3 months on the job!) and that's a welcome difference :) I do love Singapore and hope to be able to bring Dennis and Griffin with me on my next trip. 

I get home early now! Yahoo! Another welcome difference. A perk of not having a team is not physically being accountable to them, waiting on them, asking "Does anyone else need me or can I go home now?" Lovet!

So all in all, a big diff from what I'm used to but whenever I find something that makes me rethink my decision, like these work-culture differences with local Singaporeans, I think of my work life balance and remember why I made thjs change. 

Another reason I've been absent from this blog is we have a huge trip coming up - a 24 day trip this holiday season to the US and Canada. I'm inwardly freaking out at the idea of us vs Gboy (and you know who wins!) without yaya. Good luck to me!

End of the (Smart) Era

After almost 11 years, I'm finally resigning from Smart.

Whew. That's quite a statement to make, and it still feels 'ground-breaking' to me no matter how many times I have said it so far.

It's been quite a ride, these past 11 years, to think I never thought I'd stay this long in Smart. One of the reasons it took me so long to participate in the voluntary retirement plan is because I was never sure of staying here for a long time. I guess it's the intriga culture or maybe also the frequent leadership changes, but something always kept me from 'committing' long-term, yet here I am more than a decade already in the same company.

What led to this... I guess the long and short of it is that it's FINALLY time to move on. The rest are really details that make up the rest of the story, like this opportunity with VISA landed on my lap quite easily and unexpectedly, and it turns out Buddha had planned it for me all along. Or that my reasons for going back to Smart after TV5 became invalidated in the days leading up to my big decision. The bottom line is I am at peace with this move. I feel like I got Smart out of my system already, and have been able to do my part in helping the company. It's now time for me to proceed to my next professional adventure.

So off I go on the 31st of August, officially out of Smart and now a paying Smart subscriber ;) I thank the company for these past 11 years and for being so good to me and my family. It's given me many gifts over the past years and a number of them meant that my family and I were able to enjoy life in a bigger way. Our condo is in a big way courtesy of Smart. A lot of our trips and big luxurious experiences were also from the generosity of this company. So for that and the many friendships I've made in the office, I am grateful. It's the end of an era, as Guia likes to say (who COINCIDENTALLY is also leaving Smart at the same time as me haha!). I hope the next chapter is even more rewarding, fulfilling, exciting and life-enriching. :)

My First Mother's Day

Mother's Day and I go way back. 

It started out as a good holiday-- a day to pay tribute to the wonderful woman who gave me life and raised me. Then a few years ago, it started being something else-- a sad day. Then this mildly sad, wistful feeling quickly worsened year after year... It became a day full of bitterness and envy. Then a day of full-on, cry-my-eyeballs-out kind of pain and sometimes even hopelessness. I started hating Mother's Day. It all of a sudden just became this gigantic asshole of a holiday, a torturous day that reminded me of what I sooo wanted but didn't have. It highlighted my innermost pain and my greatest struggle. It was a day I couldn't wait to end. It was like that for 4 years.

Then Griffin happened. Yes, last year was technically mother's day for me too because I was an expectant mom but believe me when I say it's not the same. This year when I have Griffin in my arms (or rather crawling beside me) is the year I truly felt included in Mother's Day. I couldn't help but be emotional. I've come so far and on this one day every year that used to tear my heart apart into many million pieces, I feel like my journey has come full circle and I can really let that dark part of my life go. It's really over. I have conquered my infertility demons. 

So imagine my doubled joy to have a remembrance for this chapter in my life. My husband and son gave me this beautiful watch on my first Mother's Day. The first of many to come. The darkness has gone. The light is forever here. I am forever a mother now. 

 

Happy Mother's Day!

:)

Update

Ok, so suddenly, February is almost done and I haven't made an update. That's how busy I've been with work, and it's also because we spent about a week celebrating the #KMWeddingWeek, aka the super glamorous wedding of Griffin's ninang Karen.

So, what's been happening? I'm still really busy at work, most of the time coming home 7:30 or even 8pm. This is a big deal, knowing I just live behind the office. Hay. I'm finding it tough, to be honest, balancing this work-home dynamic, especially when I feel I'm torn between spending time with Dennis and spending time with Griffin when I do get home. I try to give them equal time, or at least give Dennis some time, but most days it's hard. I have to try harder.

What else, oh Gboy has grown so much more- he has a pedia appointment tomorrow so we will know his actual weight, but for sure he gained. My arms feel much more strained now, and that's always an indication that he packed on some more weight. As it is, I think he already outweighs Fuji. Haha! My growing boy! He also has 5 teeth out already (2 of them crowning and 1 just started to show itself a bit, on top of the 2 that are already fully out). And as for breastfeeding, I am happy and proud to say I'm still at it-- the pumping during the day, at least. This is quite a feat, especially since Griffin has appeared to wean himself off direct feeding during the day, when he is active and up and about. He prefers to play and look around rather than feed off me and just stare at my chest. Haha! This has meant pumping everywhere I go, even during weekends and, yes, even at random places like malls. It has to be done; otherwise, I will lose my milk and will fail at my goal of lasting until the 1 year mark.

I also gotta admit that I felt quite a degree of sadness (and Dennis knows this) when Griffin decided not to directly feed from Mommy during the day anymore. I felt this sadness over losing our special bonding moments of just him and me, and it was a really strong feeling. Even if he still feeds at night when he is sleepy, it's different. I love love love breastfeeding him, and feeling that he gets his nutrition straight from me. Also, because I leave him with his yaya most of the time, it feels good to have a special power that Yaya can never have. Haha! Oh well. I got over it after some time, but when I was right in the middle of the emotion, the sadness overwhelmed me and I even cried. Hehe.

Dennis and I also went to Boracay without Griffin, to attend the wedding week, as I mentioned. It was good to have that private time with Dennis again, although I missed Griffin a lot. Which is why I guess we didn't hesitate to book another Boracay trip in May when Gboy turns 1. :)

That's pretty much it. Will try to update more often, perhaps when I'm in meetings that could have just been a long email :p

My first week back at work

I'm back at Smart! It feels weird - like the place is familiar but also different. Like I know it yet I also don't. People there have been very welcoming- a bit too much, actually. I have fears of coming across as a messiah of sorts, being assigned to head the biggest and most troubled brand, and people think just because I'm back and I'm handing it, it will automatically get better. People, particularly the bosses, have also been way too supportive, if there's such a thing. They will give in to any demand or request I make and that is very scary because they will expect so much more, with every request they grant. So I have been careful. 

I also naively thought I could still keep my old schedule, back when I was still a manager, of coming home at 6-ish and taking long breaks (or just taking breaks, even) at noontime. Life as a brand head ain't so free. I have in fact come home from work no earlier than 7:30pm this week and it's only my first week. I already feel like it's not going to be better anytime soon. 

More than that, I already feel the possibility that my goal of feeding G breastmilk until he is 1 won't be met. Currently, I pump right before leaving for work, during noontime, at 4pm and when I get home around 8pm. This means I have a 4-bag output during the 12 houra or so that I am not with G. The rest of the time, we direct feed. 

This rate of pumping means I only replace what he takes from the frozen stash. But this doesn't take into account growth spurts and the occasional spilled bag or spoiled bag (thawed beyond 24 hours). So I am skating on thin ice here. 

Plus, this first week alone, I feel the "hassle" of pumping. It distracts me and makes me lose my work groove when I do it in office hours. It also interrupts my work sched / meetings sched. I don't know how I can even keep this up. It's not like I can delay the pump sched much too, unless I want to cause a dip in supply, esp at night. Such is the way breastmilk production works. If it's not taken out, more won't be made. 

Aside from the issue on pumping, I also miss G. I don't know how working moms do it because I live near my office as it is and I still feel like an absentee mom. I guess maybe because he is still a baby and I feel he should have more time with me still, or maybe this feeling won't go away until he's at big school and out almost all day anyway. But I do miss my baby boy and vow to maximize the weekend. 

Wish me luck. Again, it's only the start of the year and I already feel nervous, guilty and fearful. Haha! What a start! :p