more prayers needed

My dear friend, I will continue to pray for your brother. He's in my nightly prayers ever since the accident happened. I know things look dim right now and the doctors' diagnosis looks bad, but keep up your faith-- people defy the odds and prove doctors wrong all the time. I know he'll pull through, I just know it.

To everyone viewing this page, please please pray for Remington Siy's speedy recovery.

working smart vs working at smart

Just found out that a friend's business grosses 500k a month-- about 6M a year. It's divided among her and her two partners, sure, and they mostly bankroll it back to their business as working capital, but still.. that's still a lot better than her current paycheck. The long-term promise of this is also better than staying in the corporate world. At least her business will always be hers; it will never fire her or treat her badly.

My gosh, if I re-channel all my work-related efforts towards setting up a business and managing it, I can very well gross that much too and be able to have more free time for myself. Hmm...

That little discovery has jumpstarted my desire to be entrepreneurial. I'll rehash the research work I've compiled thus-far on setting up a little business establishment. Let's see where this goes this time.. :)

growing up at the speed of light

The past week was composed of the following: one baby shower, one bridal shower, one baptism and one hecka shopping trip hunting down gifts for the three events mentioned above. I can't believe how fast life is going for these friends of mine. On top of these three, I have three more who are getting married in the next 12 months, and one who's seriously considering/discussing the prospect with her significant other, and two who're worrying about the feasibility of their ever-getting-hitched before 2008.

As I said, life is speeding by really fast. Looking at people in my age range taking the plunge of married life and taking the even deeper plunge of babyhood, I can't help but feel totally unready. I'm not mature enough to even qualify as a wife, much less a mommy. I have things I have yet to achieve, milestones I have yet to land, before I can even attempt to think about the long-term. I know I've found the man I want to be with forever, but I just can't see even a vague timeline in my head. I know it's easy to claim a date or a year to make that big jump, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there. Much like any big project, there are mini-projects to accomplish in the short and middle term, all of which I doubt my capacity and ability to tackle on. It's easy to say "I'll be married by this time" or "I'll start a family by this time", but how does one ever know if she's ready? Being "married" is not just a label; it's a reality. And it's a touch-move. Once you've made it, you've gotta live it. Don't like it much? Suck it up. There's no replay and rewind with this one. I'd hate to wake up one day and think "what the f*ck did I get myself into?"

There's no hurry, I know. But part of me thinks these things must already be considered, lest I get sidetracked completely and lose sight of the end-goal, daunting as it may seem right now. I do want to be married; I do want to have kids. That much I know. When and how exactly I'm gonna get there are TBA.

Hay, I don't know! Bahala na!

promoted!

I didn't think it would actually happen this early. As a friend warned me, in this company, it's rare to have people promoted upon regularization. Given the level of politics that's at play within these halls, it's challenging to rise one-rung up without jumping through unbelievably fiery hoops.

But it did. It happened!

I was promoted yesterday. Not totally unprecedented, as my boss said, but very rare. So I should be proud.

I am. But more than that, I'm just deliriously happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.

love, people, love!

A lot of people downplay attraction, intensity and passion in a relationship. A lot of reading materials and a lot of advice out there center on the security, practicality and compatibility in a relationship. They insist these things matter more, and that the stuff that makes your eyes glitter and your heart flutter is all fluff and nothing else.

I've never realized how much I disagree with that until now. I've seen people fall into relationships without that spark in their eyes or that spring in their step. I observe people around me who are with their partners only because it works or simply "Why not?" I'd like to challenge these people to ask "Why?" Why are you with this person and not another one? What makes you stay with him and not prefer to be alone? If he undergoes mid-life crisis 30 years from now, what's going to keep you from going insane living with him?

I think a relationship should always have that extra something. Because that extra something is what would carry you through a crisis, is what would bond you together in the face of adversity, is what would enable you to trust blindly in the face of doubt, is what would allow you to forgive transgressions and forget lapses in judgment. That extra something inspires loyalty, erases hurt, eases tension and preserves your relationship from the everyday wear-and-tear of life. It's what's gonna keep you from cheating or from taking him for granted. It's what gonna keep you together.

That extra something would fortify your relationship year on year and bridge your union from decade to decade. Friendship doesn't do that. Kilig or infatuation doesn't do that. Real love does. What commits you to the person and what spurs you to stand by that person as your lifelong partner isn't friendship, isn't compatibility, isn't practicality, isn't reason--- it's love.

I'm not saying forget rationality and go crazy with love. I'm just saying that let's not miss the entire point of being in a relationship. Love has been severely underrated, people. Sure, security is good-- no one likes to be left hungry or wandering the streets for money. Sure, compatibility is good-- you can't live with a messy person if you're extremely OC. Sure, practicality is good-- it's a little difficult to be with someone who lives in Mindanao. But you gotta remember what it all boils down to, what it's all supposed to be about. You've got to love that person. You're not supposed to say "I like his personality", not supposed to say "he's okay", and certainly not supposed to say "eh why not?" You're supposed to jump with joy and giddily acclaim "I love him!" If you're the shy type, you can just giddily whisper this to yourself and to God, I don't care. As long as you do. Otherwise, you're not just fooling the person you're with. You're robbing yourself of an experience, a gift and a treasure to last you a lifetime.

my birthday beau

My beau is now 27 years old. Hehehe. We celebrated yesterday by taking leaves from our respective jobs, and having a super-dragged-out lunch buffet at Spiral. Armed with my dad's privilege card that entitled us to 50% discount, we stuffed our faces silly of food, food and more food at the buffet spread at the Philippine Plaza. I don't remember eating that much in my entire life.... this year. Hehehe. Ooof-- the diet goes out the window.

We spent the rest of our day together walking the calories off and going baby-clothes shopping for an upcoming baptism and an upcoming baby shower this week. He complained about the heavy amount of walking usually associated with shopping with me, but it was just fake whining. He was happy, I could see. Nothing could break his mood yesterday. Not the rain, not the walking, not anything.

Mass and dinner with his family ensued. The happy and contented look on his face mirrored mine, which made our very simple birthday celebration even more perfect. We didn't have to do anything special or out-of-the-ordinary, yet the feeling you take away from the day is one of happiness. Of pure, unadulterated happiness.

If only every day is filled with as much love and happiness as the 17th of July, 2006:



I love you.

need your prayers...

Shoutout to everyone viewing this page:

My best friend Lianne's family needs your prayers. Her brother was in a terrible car accident last weekend on a road trip to Calgary. Though he's emerged from a successful operation which realigned his spine, the doctor's prognosis regarding lower body movement is dim. He's also still in the ICU, with machines helping him breathe. Please help us pray for him to recover quickly and be able to walk again. Hopefully, if we all pray loud enough and hard enough, Lord will heed us.

Life can change so drastically in a heartbeat. One moment, you're off to a vacation and you can't wait to unwind and relax. Then the next moment, your life is turned upside down and you find yourself in the middle of a tragedy. It pains me to know that my friend is in a lot of distress right now and there's not a lot I can do a million miles away but pray. I want to comfort her, hug her and assure her that everything will be okay. I want her to derive strength from me so she can face day after day with resolve & hope. Sure, the mobile phone is a good way to communicate and stay in touch with her, but nothing beats physical presence and face-to-face conversations. There's only so much comfort you can send through phone wires.

I've never known distance to be this frustrating.

How I wish I can be there with you right now.

a heartbreaking story

I have a friend who's been ready to be married since I'd met her two years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for 7 years now, and has been waiting so badly for him to take the plunge and propose to her already. She wanted to have kids already and was ready to settle down and give up her career to have a family.

February of this year, after much struggle with herself, she decided to sit him down and talk about their future: What's the plan? Am I part of your future, because if I'm not, tell me now and let me go.. let me go so I can be part of someone else's life. I deserve someone who'll go the distance for me.

Sadly, he replied with a feeble I'm just not ready and bargained with her to give him until the end of this year. My friend, who's loved this guy for so long that it's taken all her guts to even start that conversation, resignedly agreed. After all, what's another year after seven have already gone by? She hadn't for once questioned if his readiness is only a function of time. Or if it's the way things will always be. She loved him too much to question him further. She didn't know if she was ready for the truth. It's much easier to just wait for the other shoe to fall, whenever that may be.

Fast forward to 5 months later: Just a few days ago after a routine executive checkup, she found out that her once-very-healthy ovaries have suddenly become polycystic. And that it would be very difficult for her to concieve. It's unknown when or even if this condition would reverse itself. There is treatment available, but the outcome is not definite. Few women have come out of this situation pregnant.

After the initial shock wore off, she cried. She cried out of misery and frustration, angry at fate and angrier at herself for letting so much time pass. She was angry at fate for being so cruel-- if this is fate's way of telling her waiting for him to come around had been the wrong decision, if this is her punishment for putting someone else ahead of herself, then it's way too harsh, almost inhumane. As for her boyfriend, she couldn't even look at him straight in the eye after finding out, because a part of her blames him for his inaction. His indecision had ultimately cost her her long-standing dream of being a mom.

She looked at me with tear-strained eyes, asking me what she did wrong. She was angry at herself for putting her life on hold for a guy who may never ever be ready to be with her for the long haul. She had shelved her future to accommodate this person in her life, unwittingly throwing away her chances of ever having babies. And for what?

I realized, as I looked at her, that you can never really plan your life. Sure, you can plan your next vacation or the next color your room will be painted. But you cannot, sure as hell, plan the big things. This friend of mine enjoyed her youth to the max and scheduled when her life's milestones will happen. She got herself an MBA degree and a well-paying job to fund all her indulgences. She initially planned to get married around 25 or 26, but when her boyfriend seemed unready, she rescheduled marriage towards her late twenties. She told herself many women married late these days and, like them, she'd just start motherhood late and would still be able to catch up. Alas, she discovered, she's wrong. Heartbreakingly wrong. Her best-laid plans had failed her, as did her ovaries.

Who knew a woman's system could change at lightning speed? My friend cried buckets more as she reeled from the pain of realizing her body, as well as her entire life, wasn't totally in her control. Society has come to condition women to think that they can do whatever they want and be whomever they want to be, but really, ultimately, a higher and much stronger power is calling the shots.

My heart broke for her, as my ability to speak comforting words escaped me. What could I really say to make her feel better? She did postpone her future, but she did so because she loves this guy. Who was to know that this is the price she'll pay for that love? As for him, he's always struck me as a self-involved guy (not selfish, just self-involved).. the kind of person who has his hands full just taking care of himself. He's the kind of guy who'd never be able to make space for another person in his life, because it's taking up all his power & energy just to keep himself afloat. He's the kind of guy who's just not the marrying type. He loves her, make no mistake, but he will never be the man she needs him to be. He will not let her go, but he will not commit himself fully either. He's not evil-- just limited in that sense. And everyone has limitations. Who am I or my friend to judge?

It's not fair. And it's sad. It's too sad for words.

this is the real thing...

You know you have real friends when they defend you to the ground in front of anyone who dares attack your good name. You know you have real friends when they cry as you cry and they hurt as you hurt. Good times do not mark true friendships. It's the bad ones.

Real friends. They're rare, but once in a while, you chance upon them.

I thank my lucky stars for the real friends I have in my life.

relationships, relationships...

Relationships are complicated.

That's my conclusion from the various developments that arose today.

First, there is the work stuff. It's no big secret how big a factor politics is around here. I guess all companies have that, but this place is somethin' else, man. Grabe! All projects here not only have financial and marketing weight, they also have loads of political repurcussions. It may be entertaining at times, but it sure is fucking draining to contend with egos and personalities day in and day out. The big boss sat beside me today and advised me that the exposure I get here is training for the real world. Coming from this place, I can survive anywhere. I can even run for public office at this rate. Hahahaha!

Then there's romantic relationships. God knows how complicated those can be. When political relationships are based on power-juggling and influence-manuevering, romantic relationships are about emotions and the payback (or ROI, in marketing terms) of your emotional investment. Unrequited love sucks like day-old milk, and everyone's in a romantic relationship hoping, if not expecting, to be loved. True love must be unconditional, but that doesn't mean you have to be an unloved martyr. Let's face it, you're in the relationship because you expect something out of it-- requited love, earned trust, unwavering loyalty, unquestioning acceptance. If not for those things, why the hell would you even bother? I guess that's the reason behind the nasty name-calling, backbiting and blackmailing that characterizes a lot of breakups. You break my heart; you gotta pay.

OK, enough of all this relationship talk. I'm hungry. Time to meet up with my girls.