Stork Chase Status: A weekend away from the first beta (first of many, I pray!)

So it's the last workday I'm taking off for our Stork Chase. After today, it'll be the weekend, then it'll be Monday morning, aka the first beta blood test. First of many, I pray fervently, because if it's negative, I think that's the end of the road. But if it's positive, it'll be followed up by a few other blood draws over the next few days to make sure that the levels are rising / doubling as they should.

The days seem to have flown by a bit faster than I thought they would and I credit a lot of that to : (1) the Alabang staycation that Dennis took me on ; (2) the many friends I've met up with for various lunches and coffee dates, who made me feel like my days were a bit more exciting. Hehe. Thank you, you know who you are :) ; (3) discovering Fertility Friends (an app) that helped me feel like part of a community and enabled some questions to be answered ; (4) TV series that my husband lovingly downloaded for me, most notably Junior Masterchef which both entertained and gave me really happy vibes. 

Some friends have asked me about symptoms, mostly because they are just as excited as me to find out if we succeeded in this cycle. To date, I've mostly felt bloating (which I read can be progesterone-induced), some soreness on my boobs which comes and goes and really high body temperature, which can also be because we're in the middle of what seems to be the hottest summer that ever graced the Philippines. Apart from that, nothing else. And I've read enough to know that these are mostly due to hormones that I'm taking and less about actual pregnancy symptoms. It's too early for anything to be exhibited. So while it's hard especially when you get excited, I do try to keep my expectations in check.

Speaking of what my friends have been asking me, I found out by accident that a high school friend is also going through IVF, but in Taipei. My parents went there about 2 weeks ago for a business trip and they bumped into my friend's mom (my mom and her were both "uno moms" so they know each other). My mom asked what she was doing in Taipei, and she didn't understand why my friend's mom looked uncomfortable and was spewing out vague answers like, "well, my daughter is undergoing... umm.. she's.... well, she has to.." so my mom, out of compassion, just said "ah she's doing IVF."

So I messaged my friend just to give some support and offer an ear in case she wants to talk. No pressure. I kept the message close-looped, so that if she didn't feel like sharing, she didn't have to. Then, I was surprised when she replied, apart from sharing how she is, with a desperate plea to keep it all under wraps and not tell a single soul, as we have a lot of common friends. Turns out she and her husband are not telling anybody at all apart from their families, because they did not want to be pressured to explain in case things didn't go smoothly.

I respect her wishes and am by no means judging her. I totally understand the rigors of IVF and the emotional roller-coaster you go on when you decide to have it. It just made me more conscious of how 'open' I seem to be about this entire journey. True, I am not broadcasting this on Facebook and have no plans to blab to every single person I meet, but a good number of my friends do know what I'm going through--- about 10 or so, and not counting my officemates who of course need to know what's going on and why I'm going to be on leave. To these chosen people, I have no problems sharing this story, and appreciate so much the support that I get from them, not to mention the prayers that I know get said in my name. But I guess what makes me 'open' is not so much opening up to the people I love, but having no issues with sharing my story to anyone who would like to ask (as long as it's not prying!) and to know more about infertility. I share what I can, including my own situation and challenges. I even toyed with the idea before of having a documentary done on my IVF, if only because I want to raise awareness about infertility -- I do not agree that it should be treated with shame at all. It's a condition that needs to be respected, supported and treated. It's an emotional pain that deserves to be aired and to be comforted. It's a dream that deserved to be dreamed. I can understand the fear of being judged or being pitied if the procedure doesn't work, but I feel that (a) there's nothing wrong with sympathy and empathy; (2) if you judge someone who has infertility, then you are the problem, not the person with the condition, and you ought to be the one shamed.

Anyway, for now, I'm just enjoying the rest of my time off and keeping the good vibes up. I'll also be honest and say that I've started to also try to manage my expectations and at least logically plan up a Plan B -- i.e. when can we try again, how much would I need to set aside, etc. It's the delicate dance that every person going through infertility inevitably has to dance -- the precarious balance between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. On one hand, you pray for your dream to finally come true and believe that you've done all that you can do to make this cycle succeed. But on the other, you also have self-preservation instincts that sort of 'devil's-advocates' and brings up the 'what if it's not good news' part into the discussion you have with yourself. Lots of push and pull happening here, that's for sure.

So, last 3 days of PUPO and off we go on Monday! Wish us luck please! And pray for us! :)