The end of cycle #1

So, the first cycle didn't work.

We were up so early this morning, as we both barely slept a wink, and off to KATO we went for the blood test. After getting blood drawn, we waited almost an hour for our turn to be called. Once we entered the consultation room, Dennis told me (after) that he had already seen from the doctor's face that it didn't work. Me on the other hand, I was so hopeful for good news I had no inkling. I was also a ball of nerves so maybe that made me less conscious of other people in the room.

Almost as soon as we sat down, Dr Jao showed me the blood test results and explained that the figures meant the embryo didn't implant and we had an unsuccessful cycle concluding before us. She also patiently answered all our questions, with the utmost care and really good bedside manners. Despite our shock, we were able to ask some questions on what may have gone wrong and what the next steps can be. After some time, we told the doctor we'll think about it, all the while holding back tears, and waited to be called by the cashier to settle the bill. To be honest, it was quite a surprise for us that it didn't take. I think some part of us felt like this *was* it. That this was the cycle we were waiting for. We were wrong.

So after we left KATO, we both stopped by the Starbucks inside Enterprise to collect ourselves. We were both teary-eyed, and Dennis' initial reaction was that he can't do this again. The heartbreak was just too much. Upon hearing that, I started to cry too (and tried to hold the tears in as much as possible! Oh I wished KATO had empty rooms that disappointed couples could stay in for a bit!). We then decided to take the rest of the day off to be together and grieve together.

We then decided to head off to Raffles (I don't know why there, specifically, but that's where we ended up) and we got a private table near the windows and talked. We also decided to call our respective moms there, and I think there's something about hearing your mom's voice telling you it's all right and that there's always a next time and that it'll happen, don't worry, that makes you believe it. That makes you believe that mommy will always know what to do and what will happen, so if she says it, that's how it will be. Hearing my mom made my tears flow and flow, and I know it brought Dennis much comfort to hear his mom say the same, because after that, he was visibly better and more positive.  I guess no matter what age we grow to, we'll always be our Mommys' children.

Anyhow, we dusted ourselves off and took stock of what our next steps could be. We also went to see my OB and asked him for his opinion. We combined this with what the KATO doctor said and we agreed it was the right next-step for us. We'll try again this coming cycle, as soon as I get my period, that is. We'll try a more aggressive protocol, but still not as aggressive as full-blown conventional IVF. We'll also think about maybe transferring more than 1 embryo this time. Hopefully, we get better results.

I will not lie, disappointment is a bitch. Lest you think it was easy to get over this, it wasn't. Sure, there was a great deal of comfort to be drawn from the fact that we did all we can and I, especially, did my part in making sure we got the best possible outcome. I avoided what had to be avoided, I skipped work, I took all my meds, and I ticked all the boxes. I did everything. I can look myself in the mirror and say I did my part. The rest was up to God. And I guess it wasn't our time yet. Because I did my part, I deserve to be at peace with the outcome... to be able to come to terms with it without any regret or blame. I did what I should have done, no more and no less. I did right by our little embryo; it's just that, perhaps, it wasn't our baby.

I prayed a lot this month too, possibly more than I've ever prayed in my life over such a duration. It was a test of faith for sure, and I'm relieved to realize I come out of it with my faith still intact. I continue to pray, for myself and for everyone else out there suffering from infertility. There's no greater heartache, I think, than to crave for a child and to continue to be denied of it, and no greater love that the love that lies waiting for the child that has yet to live to receive it. When I cried today, I cry also for all these moms-in-waiting, anticipating that day they get promoted to 'mother'. I cry for all the dashed hopes, for the loss of innocence in the happy accidents of conception, for the little deaths died, by every hopeful heart, at every failed cycle. It's almost like a cruel joke, I told my sister-in-law, who is also suffering from infertility. To want something that other people seem to get just at the mere intent of it, and seeming to keep being rejected no matter how long you stay on your knees, begging for it. To want something and sacrifice so much in its name, only to be told that it's still not enough. To want something to the point of trading everything else in your life for it, yet find out that it's going to take more than that.

I pray that my marriage continues to stay strong -- that our love will continue to tide us over in this quest to be parents. I pray for my husband to stay strong, despite the moments of weakness and of temptation to relent to defeat. I pray that we continue to have fight inside us and to keep getting back up, equal times that we are made to fall. Let not this one failure mark us and make us jaded. Let this just be another obstacle for us to go through to get to our baby.

So now I lay IVF Cycle #1 to rest while I gather my strength again to face the upcoming cycle.

May this next try be the lucky charm.