End of the (Smart) Era

After almost 11 years, I'm finally resigning from Smart.

Whew. That's quite a statement to make, and it still feels 'ground-breaking' to me no matter how many times I have said it so far.

It's been quite a ride, these past 11 years, to think I never thought I'd stay this long in Smart. One of the reasons it took me so long to participate in the voluntary retirement plan is because I was never sure of staying here for a long time. I guess it's the intriga culture or maybe also the frequent leadership changes, but something always kept me from 'committing' long-term, yet here I am more than a decade already in the same company.

What led to this... I guess the long and short of it is that it's FINALLY time to move on. The rest are really details that make up the rest of the story, like this opportunity with VISA landed on my lap quite easily and unexpectedly, and it turns out Buddha had planned it for me all along. Or that my reasons for going back to Smart after TV5 became invalidated in the days leading up to my big decision. The bottom line is I am at peace with this move. I feel like I got Smart out of my system already, and have been able to do my part in helping the company. It's now time for me to proceed to my next professional adventure.

So off I go on the 31st of August, officially out of Smart and now a paying Smart subscriber ;) I thank the company for these past 11 years and for being so good to me and my family. It's given me many gifts over the past years and a number of them meant that my family and I were able to enjoy life in a bigger way. Our condo is in a big way courtesy of Smart. A lot of our trips and big luxurious experiences were also from the generosity of this company. So for that and the many friendships I've made in the office, I am grateful. It's the end of an era, as Guia likes to say (who COINCIDENTALLY is also leaving Smart at the same time as me haha!). I hope the next chapter is even more rewarding, fulfilling, exciting and life-enriching. :)

My First Mother's Day

Mother's Day and I go way back. 

It started out as a good holiday-- a day to pay tribute to the wonderful woman who gave me life and raised me. Then a few years ago, it started being something else-- a sad day. Then this mildly sad, wistful feeling quickly worsened year after year... It became a day full of bitterness and envy. Then a day of full-on, cry-my-eyeballs-out kind of pain and sometimes even hopelessness. I started hating Mother's Day. It all of a sudden just became this gigantic asshole of a holiday, a torturous day that reminded me of what I sooo wanted but didn't have. It highlighted my innermost pain and my greatest struggle. It was a day I couldn't wait to end. It was like that for 4 years.

Then Griffin happened. Yes, last year was technically mother's day for me too because I was an expectant mom but believe me when I say it's not the same. This year when I have Griffin in my arms (or rather crawling beside me) is the year I truly felt included in Mother's Day. I couldn't help but be emotional. I've come so far and on this one day every year that used to tear my heart apart into many million pieces, I feel like my journey has come full circle and I can really let that dark part of my life go. It's really over. I have conquered my infertility demons. 

So imagine my doubled joy to have a remembrance for this chapter in my life. My husband and son gave me this beautiful watch on my first Mother's Day. The first of many to come. The darkness has gone. The light is forever here. I am forever a mother now. 

 

Happy Mother's Day!

:)

Update

Ok, so suddenly, February is almost done and I haven't made an update. That's how busy I've been with work, and it's also because we spent about a week celebrating the #KMWeddingWeek, aka the super glamorous wedding of Griffin's ninang Karen.

So, what's been happening? I'm still really busy at work, most of the time coming home 7:30 or even 8pm. This is a big deal, knowing I just live behind the office. Hay. I'm finding it tough, to be honest, balancing this work-home dynamic, especially when I feel I'm torn between spending time with Dennis and spending time with Griffin when I do get home. I try to give them equal time, or at least give Dennis some time, but most days it's hard. I have to try harder.

What else, oh Gboy has grown so much more- he has a pedia appointment tomorrow so we will know his actual weight, but for sure he gained. My arms feel much more strained now, and that's always an indication that he packed on some more weight. As it is, I think he already outweighs Fuji. Haha! My growing boy! He also has 5 teeth out already (2 of them crowning and 1 just started to show itself a bit, on top of the 2 that are already fully out). And as for breastfeeding, I am happy and proud to say I'm still at it-- the pumping during the day, at least. This is quite a feat, especially since Griffin has appeared to wean himself off direct feeding during the day, when he is active and up and about. He prefers to play and look around rather than feed off me and just stare at my chest. Haha! This has meant pumping everywhere I go, even during weekends and, yes, even at random places like malls. It has to be done; otherwise, I will lose my milk and will fail at my goal of lasting until the 1 year mark.

I also gotta admit that I felt quite a degree of sadness (and Dennis knows this) when Griffin decided not to directly feed from Mommy during the day anymore. I felt this sadness over losing our special bonding moments of just him and me, and it was a really strong feeling. Even if he still feeds at night when he is sleepy, it's different. I love love love breastfeeding him, and feeling that he gets his nutrition straight from me. Also, because I leave him with his yaya most of the time, it feels good to have a special power that Yaya can never have. Haha! Oh well. I got over it after some time, but when I was right in the middle of the emotion, the sadness overwhelmed me and I even cried. Hehe.

Dennis and I also went to Boracay without Griffin, to attend the wedding week, as I mentioned. It was good to have that private time with Dennis again, although I missed Griffin a lot. Which is why I guess we didn't hesitate to book another Boracay trip in May when Gboy turns 1. :)

That's pretty much it. Will try to update more often, perhaps when I'm in meetings that could have just been a long email :p

My first week back at work

I'm back at Smart! It feels weird - like the place is familiar but also different. Like I know it yet I also don't. People there have been very welcoming- a bit too much, actually. I have fears of coming across as a messiah of sorts, being assigned to head the biggest and most troubled brand, and people think just because I'm back and I'm handing it, it will automatically get better. People, particularly the bosses, have also been way too supportive, if there's such a thing. They will give in to any demand or request I make and that is very scary because they will expect so much more, with every request they grant. So I have been careful. 

I also naively thought I could still keep my old schedule, back when I was still a manager, of coming home at 6-ish and taking long breaks (or just taking breaks, even) at noontime. Life as a brand head ain't so free. I have in fact come home from work no earlier than 7:30pm this week and it's only my first week. I already feel like it's not going to be better anytime soon. 

More than that, I already feel the possibility that my goal of feeding G breastmilk until he is 1 won't be met. Currently, I pump right before leaving for work, during noontime, at 4pm and when I get home around 8pm. This means I have a 4-bag output during the 12 houra or so that I am not with G. The rest of the time, we direct feed. 

This rate of pumping means I only replace what he takes from the frozen stash. But this doesn't take into account growth spurts and the occasional spilled bag or spoiled bag (thawed beyond 24 hours). So I am skating on thin ice here. 

Plus, this first week alone, I feel the "hassle" of pumping. It distracts me and makes me lose my work groove when I do it in office hours. It also interrupts my work sched / meetings sched. I don't know how I can even keep this up. It's not like I can delay the pump sched much too, unless I want to cause a dip in supply, esp at night. Such is the way breastmilk production works. If it's not taken out, more won't be made. 

Aside from the issue on pumping, I also miss G. I don't know how working moms do it because I live near my office as it is and I still feel like an absentee mom. I guess maybe because he is still a baby and I feel he should have more time with me still, or maybe this feeling won't go away until he's at big school and out almost all day anyway. But I do miss my baby boy and vow to maximize the weekend. 

Wish me luck. Again, it's only the start of the year and I already feel nervous, guilty and fearful. Haha! What a start! :p

Goodbye, 2015!

Recap of this eventful year:
- I opened this year pregnant. What a great way to kick of 2015.
- I spent the first 5 months of the year still pregnant, happily waiting for our little fighter to come out on his planned birthday, June 12. Then, surprise surprise, he pops out on May 30th, only a day after my last working day at TV5.
- I spent the next 7 months being a fulltime mom and enjoying every minute of it. Breastfed Griffin all the way too, I am so proud to say.
- I also did well financially, despite the sabbatical and lack of paycheck for about 3 months. I chalk this up to being prepared for this change in our lives and for, well, bootstrapping as much as I can. For instance, I hardly shopped for myself and did not buy anything luxurious at all.
- We went to Singapore on a short trip, just us two, and it felt great to take a break from the sleepless nights (though the requisite pumping still meant I could only sleep max of 6 straight hours, but hey I'll take that!)
- I close the year with a heart full of joy and contentment. Life is best lived this way, I realize :)

2015 brought me the best and greatest gift of my life. I now understand how much of a struggle it is to focus on the marriage and the husband, when there is a little, vulnerable one needing you more. Griffin is undoubtedly the biggest treasure in my life and I don't know how I ever lived without him.

Happy New Year! <3 br="">

Holiday update

I'm writing this as I lounge in bed in my mom's house. We just got back from Tagaytay with the Chans and we're back at my mom's where we will stay until Jan 2. 

I can lounge here because there's a lot of people here willing and able and very very willing (did I say willing enough?) to carry G, entertain him and watch him. So mommy can take a breather and rest her poor aching back, which took a beating in rocking-chair-less Tagaytay while carrying a 22-pound heavyweight of a 7-month-old. He's turned 7 months- today! More on that later hehe. 

I just want to post some thoughts lingering in my head while I have the time:

1. I'm lucky to have my parents. I think they're the best, especially my mom, in helping raise Griffin. 

2. We learned this holiday just how much babies love wide open spaces. Griffin visibly loves the airy garden here at my mom's house and he super enjoyed the cool wide open spaces in the Tagaytay house we rented. Makes us think about our condo and that, while it's centrally located and lets us cut traffic out more than other people can, it is devoid of open spaces unless you count the Salcedo Park as our space. Hehe. But, until we agree on where to buy a house (he wants the accessibility of the North, I prefer the suburb feel of the South), Easton is where we will be. Neutral ground. Hehe. 

3. We recently shared with each other our individual observations that we've been avoiding mentioning to one another for fear of the other's feelings being hurt. Turns out we both observed the same thing and really don't mind it, save foe the possibility that it hurt the other. Here's the revelation: My in-laws love both their grandchildren but they really do love Fuji a little bit (sometimes a lot) more. It is quite obvious, really. Especially my MIL. She picks up Fuji first, looks for her when she's out of sight, "takes charge" over her care like feeding her, for instance, even when her parents are around, talks with pride about things she does, etc. there's just a special twinkle in her eye or a special tone in her voice when it concerns Fuji. I suppose it's because she's the first apo and it's almost like a law of nature to love your first apo more. 

And I sincerely do not mind. Partly because I suspect the same of my parents (but this time, in my favor as G is their first apo) and also because I know she loves Griffin and it's not diminished in any way because she loves Fuji more. Also the mom in me doesn't mind her non-interference in my parenting, mostly because she's focused on the little girl and not on my boy.  I thought it would offend Dennis though, so I never mentioned it until yesterday on our way home when we were discussing a recent family drama over xrays and quarantining from children (haha long story). Turns out Dennis also noticed it and thought not to mention it to me because I may get jealous. Hello! Haha! Anyway, it's good that he doesn't mind. Because I really don't.

4. Having a good yaya is almost as critical to staying a happy mom as a good husband is. If not more. Haha! And I'm thankful for ours. 

5. Elian is here! My SIL gave birth to him after 24-hours of grueling labor (long story!) and finally, my parents' first Co apo was born on December 27. Hooray!

Ok, time to get ready for the day. Will continue my updates and thoughts-jotting later. Hehe. Life of a mom. 

Christmas thoughts

Griffin's 6th month and my first time away from him

So, my baby turned 6 months, coming in at a whopping 21 pounds, and spent the day taking his first ever swimming class. 

Then later that week, we took him to Guama's house to stay for 5 days because Dennis and I will leave him for 3 days to take a short trip to Singapore. Dennis and I booked our tickets at the travel fair about two months ago and flipflopped on whether we should bring him with us. We finally decided it would be a good chance for us to take a short break, reconnect and sort of cap off our exciting year together. It's only been a night away from G so far and Mommy already misses him loads. Waiting at NAIA for our boarding time was the toughest for me-- leaving him minutes ago was still fresh in my mind and there were limited ways of distracting myself at the old rickety airport. Good thing our flight was on time and by mid-morning we were already at the land of the Merlion. 

We also realized it's quite fitting for SG to be our first trip together as parents. It was our first trip together as well as a married couple. And we intend to make it our first trip abroad with Gboy as well, when he's a bit (or a lot bigger). I know my in laws plan a US holiday next year but I'm referring to our first trip as our nuclear family. Wouldn't that be nice? :)

Miss you so much, baby. 

Griffin's 5th month!

Update

Ok, this blog is feeling pretty neglected. Haha! In the short hiatus, the following things have happened:

1. Gboy got baptised! We held it on Sept 26, a week after our 5th wedding anniversary. We kept the whole affair pretty simple and low-key, only inviting our immediate families and the godparents.  Griffin cried the whole ceremony long, only to stop as soon as it was done. Haha!

Griffin all calm once the ceremony ended. Haha!

Btw, many people have asked why we got him baptised, when we're Buddhist. First off, baptism is not banned in Buddhism. And we quite like what it symbolizes. Plus, we figured we needs the baptismal certificate anyway when he goes to big school. Might as well get the ceremony done now:)

2. Griffin breached the 20-pound mark before he hit 5-months old. Nuff said. Haha! He now wears 12-18 month onesies, some even 24 month ones. 

3. Griffin has rolled over about 3-4 times so far but seems to prefer to be assisted to stand up. 

4. We brought him out for the first time without a yaya last weekend and to a mall for the first time two weekends before that. Griffin loves to go out. What a lakwatsero. Haha!

That's it so far. It's my 33rd birthday tomorrow and I can't believe I'm welcoming it as a mom. Griffin is the biggest blessing I've ever received and I'm forever changed by his entry into my life. Thank you, baby boy. You've made Mommy complete and fulfilled. I can't ask for more. 

What I wish I could tell myself 3 months ago...

Griffin turned 3 months last Sunday. What a whirlwind first quarter of life. It got me thinking of how much I've grown and how much I've changed in the past 90 days. Here's a list of what I wish I could've advised my new-mom self, who got a 2-week advance leap into motherhood last May 30. In other words, things I wish I knew:

1. You will get used to the sleepless nights. 

Before Griffin, I would need about 8-9 hours of sleep a night. This is what a "good night's sleep" would mean to me. Hence my body's shock at this new sleep schedule-- even worse when he was on his first month-- of waking, feeding, burping, sleeping and again and again. But now, I think I've gotten the hang of the feeling already, that it's much easier now to do tasks and function like an adult during the day, despite the sleeplessness. But there was a time when I felt the physical toll and doubted how people could possibly survive it for so long. 

2. He will get neonatal acne / rashes on his first month. Don't panic. It is normal. 

3. He will be very gassy and he will have trouble pooping... but he will get the hang of these sensations more and more as he grows. Just be patient. Stop googling. 

4. He will grow so fast. Lightning speed for 3 months. This is Griffin when he was first discharged (and lost lots of weight):

This is him at the cusp of 3 months:

On the first pedia checkup, you will be told he is underweight. Chill and let your baby catch up. Because he most definitely will. :p

5. You will discover your protective maternal side. It will come out each time he is uncomfortable, irritable or miserable. I don't even know how I'll

be when he does get sick for real (knock on wood).

6. Your husband will have his own way of parenting, different from yours. Let him discover it and practice it. Try not to control everything or get all helicopter-mom. Let him love Griffin in his own way. The baby won't break. 

7. Diaper changing is a pain. No shame in admitting that. 

8. Griffin will not like bundling up. He is like a radiator--- easy to sweat, slow to feel cold. The blankets are not needed most of the time.

9. Ease up on the 3-months clothes. He will take after his dad. He now wears 9-month or 12-month onesies.

10. Being on fulltime mommy mode will get boring sometimes and overwhelming on other times. Just go with the flow and remember that at the end of the day, all this goes by so fast. The days may be long but the months definitely go by in a blink. You now have 4 solid months left of being a mom and nothing else. Savor it.

Happy 3 months, love! And happy 3 months of motherhood to me :)

A post-pregnancy milestone

My first mani-pedi in almost 10 weeks. Haha!

New at this mothering thing...

I'm barely two months into this character-changing thing called mothering, and one word can clearly describe the experience so far: Overwhelming. 

How, you ask?

Overwhelming to be worried about every single little thing and every single (seemingly) big thing about a tiny little person. Throughout Griffin's first few weeks, we've had the following big and small worries:

1. His pectus excavatum: Griffin was born with a condition whereby his chest concaves inward. The counterpart of this condition is pectus carinatum where the chest wall concaves outward, or what people usually call pigeon-holed chests. Griffin's curves the other way, and colloquially, people call this "sunken chest". It made his breathing problems (see Griffin's blog for more details) seem more drastic than they were and I think this made the IMCU nurses and doctors panic when he stayed there and made them refer him to the NICU- which started our hellish introduction to neonatal intensive care. 

This is how it looked at its worse, taken on his second day of life:

From my research, this is a congenital "deformity" just like the opposite condition and often doesn't need treatment, unless it interferes with his breathing as he grows bigger. As you can imagine, this brought us a lot of worries until Griffin's super capable pediatric pulmonologist came into our lives and allayed our fears. 

2. Griffin also has what's called hydrocele or a collection of fluid in the balls, emanating from water from the abdominal cavity that leaked into the balls due to the unclosed openings in his groin from which the balls descended. His pedia diagnosed this on his second checkup and referred us to a pediatric surgeon (two very scary words when brought together). The surgeon confirmed Dr Nuguidms suspicion and asked us to come back in October to see if the swelling worsened or if the water dissipated back into his body. 

3. Griffin has colic. And very bad gas. And a very bad temper when he has these two things, which of course attack together. Sometimes constipation (or at least backed-up poop) comes in and joins the party as well! This is what constitutes "everyday worries" for me. 

It's also been overwhelming to have so many things occupy my mind on a daily basis. I dunno how moms do it. I am thinking of Griffin and what he's feeling for the day, planning that evening's menu, working out whatever domestic issue needs resolving (at the moment, it's the broken dryer and the huge water bill), thinking of when to have his baptism, making the grocery list, trying to catch some zzz's during the day, etc. All this while being on leave from work. I can't imagine adding work stress to the already full list. OA. 

Overwhelming to have so many questions about babycare, wondering which concerns are legit and which are just silly, and mostly, figuring out my preference on certain things, as I realize few things baby-related are clearly black and white right or wrong. They're mostly belonging to the "up to you" column. Like should I continue breastfeeding or maybe formua feeding can give me more sleep and him longer sleep (since he'll always be full). Or should I use the babycarrier now or it's too early? Is it ok to give him antiflatulent meds so often or should I use the more natural Gripe Water? (Doc days use my judgment- this vague answer that leaves a lot of doubt in my mind annoys me haha)

Motherhood. What an overwhelming ride. I am overwhelmed at how overwhelmed I am. Does that make sense?

Ok. Baby is up. Time to feed!

Griffin's birth story

Is over at his wordpress blog :)

Instead of writing about what happened here, I figure I might as well write it over at Griffin's page so that he can read it when he's older. 

It's been 5 weeks since, and I still remember all the details. Decided to fight through the fatigue and put it down in writing to make sure my memory doesn't betray me later on. Hehe. 

Head on over there if you want to read up on my baby boy's entry into the world :)

May 30, 2015

The best day ever. 

Countdown (to my last working day)

I have 7 remaining days at work.

Hooray!

As in, seriously.

Haha!

I know some people think that going on leave a good week before is premature and 'sayang'. On one hand, I do see where they're coming from. On the other, if you knew the issues going on at work, you'd understand why I'd prefer to be away. I just don't want to think about this network's problems anymore, as they never ever end and never seem to get anywhere. I just want to be at peace and think about the coming arrival of my baby Griffin.

So, yes, I'm officially off starting June 1st. No more making board presentations, talking about issues that drag on forever, etc. I'm on Mommy Mode for the rest of the year! :) Yay! It's a privilege, I know, and a huge luxury (ask our bank account later on, if you want to verify) but I am eternally grateful and know that this time will not come by again.

7 days to go!

Griffin's corner :)

I set up a blog to chronicle anything and everything Griffin.

https://ourlittlewarriorgriffin.wordpress.com/

:)

31 weeks!

Here's my belly :p

Update! We have a date!

So, we consulted fengshui for the best times to bail Griffin out of my uterus and we were given three dates:

June 12

June 16

June 19

Then we asked Buddha (SSK) for the best option among the three. June 9 is also actually a good date but it was "counter" (or kontra) to my sign so that made it a non-contender. 

He chose.... Are you ready....

June 12! Hooray!

For some reason, even back in October when I found out I was pregnant and that my due date was June 30, I had a feeling already about June 12. As early as then, I started thinking (and even told Dennis once) what if I give birth on June 12 instead. Isn't this so cool?

So there you have it. We have about 6-ish weeks left to go. 

Makes me want to go shopping for baby stuff now. Haha!

Yay! See you soon, baby boy! :)