Ever since my friend passed away, I've been feeling my motivation to work deteriorate bit by bit as the days went by.. Hard as that may be to admit, especially for someone like me, it's true. And it's high time I recognize it for what it is.
My wakeup call was a one-on-one talk with my boss recently, where he pointed out the areas where he thought I was starting to 'slip on'. He noted recent projects and tasks that I had worked relatively 'slower' on, with considerably less focus, less concentration and less attention. He gave these comments with the aim of getting a re-commitment... a re-affirmation that I will get back on my feet and work like a horse.. as I did before.
But to be honest, I couldn't care less. Which took even me by surprise... For people who are close to me, they'd know that this kind of reaction is uncharacteristic. Usually, I'm a person who takes her performance seriously, who sees her output as a reflection of who she is. But somehow, those words of feedback from the boss sounded hollow and empty to my ears. As I said, I really couldn't care less.
I don't know exactly what it is that's making me feel this way, but I just don't quite see the 'point' in working so hard anymore, in putting in the extra hours, in climbing the corporate ladder, in raking in the recognition and in bagging the great deals.
After seeing how well my friend lived her life, simply because of the amount of love she gave and the amount of love she got in return, things such as work seem so trivial. All of a sudden, the only value it has is just to give us a means to exist. Not some life-enriching, character-affirming commitment. In any given week, most of my time is spent in the office, earning money for an institution that would scarcely care if my health suffers as a result of dedicated service. Most of my time in a given week is spent accumulating stress, derived from pushing myself to climb the promotion ladder in a company that may very well find me redundant 10-20 years down the line. Not to mention derived from dealing with some people I don't even want to be stuck with in an island.
All those ambitious dreams and driven dedication to my work seem like a pointless endeavor now. It all just lost its steam in one fell swoop. If tomorrow is the last day of my life, would I be happy to realize in the end that I had spent it in the office?
I should just shut up and go to bed.
3 comments:
thanks for putting this up glads. i think you've managed to put into words what most of us think about all the time.
i can relate. somehow, i think it's all about finding a place for work in our lives... to try and see where it should stand and how much should it rule us.
ideally, we should be working to live, not living to work. but sometimes we think of the things we want to do/must do, the person we want to be, and that drives us to forget that there is an actual life to live outside of ambition.
or... it could really just be all about finding a company that understands "work-life balance"
:D wla lang.
It might be.. But then again, what I'm starting to find is that, with the level of competition in the corporate world now, maybe a career isn't what I should be going for.. Perhaps a business? FILC, hello!? Haha! :) Talk to you soon re: this, hun... I think this is best discussed over drinks ;p Have fun at Viet!
Came from Kaye's blog. I hope you don't mind my comment.
I think work is also a means to define us, to make us who we are. It is also a means to shape us and possibly discipline us and teaches us to constantly grow and realize that there is always more to learn, more to experience and more to achieve in life.
It is up to you to see if the work you have now lets you see this perspective or the purpose in why you work. If not, then the work you have loses its purpose in your life.
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