the shame letter

I know you will never get to read this... Ignorance is indeed bliss. I at least find absolution and relief in knowing none of this ever hurt you, because you never knew about it. It's actually the only reason I can forgive myself for this....

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry for two things.

1. I thought I was being the realistic and practical one for worrying about it the way I did. I thought I was just being responsible and grounded for focusing on the practical side of life, when really I've never been more deluded.

The reality is that when you love someone, you love them through and through. Completely. You don't cherry-pick only the parts that you like. Selectively loving is not loving at all.

It's not fair of me to pick and choose the good sides to you and then reject or resent the parts of your life that I do not want. When I choose a man, I have to be able to stand next to him-- and stand proudly at that.

And I know I love you, that's why I have to be honest-- I have yet to make peace with the parts of your life that are less than ideal. It's going to be a process, I know, but I will do it, because that's the only way I can do justice to this relationship.... and in fact, that's the only way I can prove to myself that I love you. That I accept you heart and soul-- both the good and the bad.

2. I'm also sorry for believing that some prophecy was more important and more indicative of this relationship's potential than what we've been through. I was wrong in letting some man's allegations and predictions precede what my heart tells me. Leafing through past emails to friends and past blog entries made me realize that. What we have is real, and that prophecy isn't. Whether it does foretell things to come is out of the question. It was stupid of me to think the fate of this relationship is anything but ours to create. Our story is ours, D. We write it. Nobody else. It develops and matures the way we let it; if it does end, it will end because we chose it to. Nobody else. Again, I was deluded enough to think otherwise.

I've been unfair and I'm sorry. I wronged you in ways so fundamental, I feel like the biggest fraud in the universe of girlfriendhood. I'm sorry. You love me more than anything in the world and you've done nothing but devote yourself to me every day that God creates. In return, the best assurance I can give is the promise to try-- to try to cherish you in all the ways I can, to make peace with all the baggage you come with and to stand by you through the peaks and valleys of life.

That's the best I can do for now, and the bittersweet part of this is I know you'll be okay with that. I revel at how nothing I do to you can ever be too wrong-- too unforgivably, irreparably wrong. You will never take all this against me, and I love you even more because of that.

And you know what, no matter how life turns out, I'll love you forever for that.