Here I go again. Just a few days ago, I made the resolve to be more appreciative of what he can give and less frustrated at what he cannot. I made the promise to myself to focus more on the good parts of this relationship rather than mull over the less fortunate sides of his circumstances. I vowed to always remind myself that, despite everything, what I have is a good good good thing.
But what can I do, tao lang... Recent developments cannot help but call back that damn sense of disillusion I felt in the latter part of last year.. that nagging worry about how things will pan out for us in the future. I'm starting to again feel despair and intense sadness wash over me, as I think about what's been deprived of him and how utterly unfair it all seems to be.
I also cannot be so hypocritical as to allege that no part of this is selfish in nature, because, really, if you drill down to the heart of it, all these doom-saying voices in my head stem from my fear about our future... about my future with him... About THE dream becoming more and more challenging to attain. About the possibility flipping ominously onto the realm of impossibility... a.k.a. the ugly place where all dreams go to die...
The picture in my head may very well just remain that-- a picture. Nothing more. Reality may just be that cold splash of water telling me to wake up and live a life so different from what I had hoped for.
Nothing has ever sounded more depressing.
I can sooooo feel a funk looming near. Here I go again.
No comments:
Post a Comment