Yet another "next time"

OK, so last cycle is over. This one wasn't as bad as the Mothers' Day one, but it was definitely one of the hardest. I can't explain it - I guess it's the despair that makes this a bit different. It's my birthday month, i.e. the month I turn 30. I always imagined having a baby on the way (or already out) before this milestone in my life. And the realization that that wasn't going to happen was unlike anything I anticipated. It's a horrible combo of fear, despair, doubt and pain... I would never wish it on anyone.

I also realized something, this being the first time I brought up the idea of assisted methods. I was so "game" for it, seeing it as a possible way to solve this situation and realize our dream. He saw it differently. After all, my reaction was natural - I didn't have to do anything (save for the paying the bill part which we both participate in), I just need to lie down, bear some discomfort, then the procedure is over. For the man, it is an entirely different thing. While natural cycles depend largely on the woman's body, assisted measures depend largely on effort from the man (if you get my drift). Hence, it raises questions for guys, like "Does this make me less of a man?", which would tend to raise to shore varying emotions of pain and fear. So I said, we don't have to if he's not ready. I said early on in this journey that I will not sacrifice any part of my marriage in this quest for a baby, and I meant that. If my husband isn't emotionally or mentally ready for this next step, then we are not taking it. He will always be my first priority. Simple as that. A lot of this infertility thing is not simple - in fact it is so complicated. But this part is so clear to me. Clear as day.

Besides, I do believe that this has nothing to do with what makes a man and what doesn't. If something uncontrollable defined a man, then hair color or skin color would define a man as much as infertility does. Obviously, this makes no sense at all. What defines a man are, among others, how he treats his wife, how he treats people in general, how much love he can give and how much strength he can muster. All I know is THIS does not in any way define a man. Though I can understand where the question comes from, especially since I am all too familiar with the disappointment you cannot help but feel when your body lets you down. All my life, I had the impression that all you had to do was have sex and you'll get pregnant. Little did I know, this was a big fat farce.

So here we are in another cycle... another "next time". Sometimes I fear going through my FB feed, because when I see someone post a picture of a sonogram, or make a happy announcement, I can't help but feel this sinking feeling in my gut, this stab in my chest. But I push myself to do it anyway, because I cannot live in fear of this "thing" all my life. I will be able to beat it, I pray. But I can NEVER ever let it beat me. I can never let it beat out my capacity to be happy for other people and to wish them well. I can never let it make me bitter, angry or fearful. I have to fight it; otherwise, I will let it change me. For the worse. And if that happens, that's when I am truly defeated. So no. I am fighting back.

So, here's to another "next time".