Heart

So, I took a hysterosalpingogram last Saturday in Makati Med. A bit of a backgrounder, back in Feb 2012, when I first went to see a fertility specialist, I was told that one of the first steps in determining what I'll need to do in fertility work-ups is to get my fallopian tubes tested, to see if they are patent (meaning they are open and there are no obstructions for egg meeting the sperm). There are 2 ways to go about this: doing it via sono (meaning an ultrasound probe goes inside along with a catheter through which water will pass) or via hystero (meaning an x-ray procedure where a dye is pushed up via catheter). The good thing with the latter is it gives the OB an aerial shot of your uterus and tubes, and be able to see much more than a sono does. The bad thing with it is it's much more costly than the sono and if your doctor doesn't suspect any uterine abnormality like fibroids or endometriosis, then the sono can do. Back then, we decided on the sono, since we were still very optimistic that it will only take a few months before we successfully get pregnant and because our doctor then said it should be good enough.

Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).

So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.

So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.

After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.

To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.

Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.

My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.

As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.

So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.

Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.

Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.

I'm ranting.

OK, back to work.