Letting Go

That's the best way I can describe this 2013. This has been a year of letting go, letting God, and letting be.

Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...

For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.

We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.

So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.

That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)

Viral exanthem and an unexpected long holiday

Atty contracted a nasty viral fever and rash combo last week (Dec 12) and it resulted to an unexpectedly long holiday for us. While I wouldn't want him to get sick anytime of year, I'm grateful it happened during this time when work really winds down anyway and he can rest at home without compromising his work commitments and requirements. And since I was already on leave, liquidating my unused 2013 days off, I was able to care for him without feeling guilty about missing work or leaving my boss hanging. So I guess there's not much to complain about. Being stuck at home for days and days also felt like a mini holiday, plus with the horrendous traffic outside, it wasn't so bad at all to be cooped up inside. 

And the good thing is, according to the doctor yesterday, his rashes should fully clear up by the 22nd or 23rd, just in time for Christmas! Woohoo!

So, the end of 2013 looms nearer and nearer. Time for my annual reflection post. Will put it together in the next few days, along with our yearly FILC survey :)

Ok, attention: me

So apparently....

1. We have an infection again. This time, the doctor assured us these are "post-party" organisms and can be expected to show up after the bigwigs are deado. So in a way, it's an improvement. Sort of. 

Dennis is really so much steadier and more level-headed than me. I was initially feeling dejected by the news but he assured me it was okay and we're just not meant to finish by 2013. Okay...... Fine.....

2. My progesterone and estradiol levels post-ovulation may be within normal range but are sub-optimal. This means that to satisfy our objectives, I need to be hitting the upper portion of the range. And my results, sadly, fall more on the lower side. Another big sigh. 

Not much can be done on this end though, apart from acupuncture. I am too scared to be tampering with hormones. 

So there. A little update on our baby-wishing quest. 

Haha! Listen to me. I better switch on the positive mood before the weekend kicks in!

This describes how I feel about work!!! :/

PARASOL

The business is up! Moving slower than I would have wanted, but my business partners and I are all fulltime professionals, so it's also expected. But finally, it's up, and hopefully it works out! Please support! :)

We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967

:)

Heart

So, I took a hysterosalpingogram last Saturday in Makati Med. A bit of a backgrounder, back in Feb 2012, when I first went to see a fertility specialist, I was told that one of the first steps in determining what I'll need to do in fertility work-ups is to get my fallopian tubes tested, to see if they are patent (meaning they are open and there are no obstructions for egg meeting the sperm). There are 2 ways to go about this: doing it via sono (meaning an ultrasound probe goes inside along with a catheter through which water will pass) or via hystero (meaning an x-ray procedure where a dye is pushed up via catheter). The good thing with the latter is it gives the OB an aerial shot of your uterus and tubes, and be able to see much more than a sono does. The bad thing with it is it's much more costly than the sono and if your doctor doesn't suspect any uterine abnormality like fibroids or endometriosis, then the sono can do. Back then, we decided on the sono, since we were still very optimistic that it will only take a few months before we successfully get pregnant and because our doctor then said it should be good enough.

Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).

So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.

So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.

After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.

To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.

Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.

My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.

As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.

So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.

Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.

Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.

I'm ranting.

OK, back to work.

Bittersweet dream

I had a dream the other day. Dennis and I were together in the bathroom (I know, weird right? But continue reading, this won't be a TMI post), and I was about to take a pregnancy test. We both watched as the liquid slowly went up to the testing window of the small plastic panel, and revealed two dark lines. Positive, in other words. I remember the feeling of bliss, joy, elation, happiness and all other words synonymous to pure happiness so vividly, I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. The feeling still felt so so so so real hours and days after that morning. I hadn't experienced anything like that before -- that kind of unadulterated, almost out-of-body sense of pure happiness, and it was unlike any pain I've also ever felt in my entire life.

OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.

As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.

Busy-bored

Realized something yesterday. While this line of work is very busy (busier in some ways than my previous job, because it covers 3 separate companies and involves shadowing a very busy man), I am also tremendously bored by it. As in I-can-fall-asleep-as-I-talk-or-think-about-it bored.

This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.

You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?

Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.

Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.

Thoughts

Okay, so everyone knows I'm about as corporate as they come, and while there have been some low points in my career so far, I need to remind myself that, for the most part, I have been extremely blessed. Probably 90% of my 10 years of working have been good- and the 10% that haven't been tiptop good were, at the very least, bearable. I've had only good bosses in my working life so far -- mentors that have made me learn & grow, not just slave away and work at their mercy. I have been financially and intellectually rewarded, and have handled some really good people as subordinates.

However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.

It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.

I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.

So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p

Thanks for reading!

Positivity

Amen!

Happy weekend!

FIBA

OK, there are many highlights to the 2013 FIBA Asia held in Manila. Gilas placed 2nd and booked a spot to FIBA 2014 in Spain. Manila did an amazing job hosting the tournament. Lots of game highlights can be found on youtube. But I only want to remember this one particular personal highlight: I was able to bring my family, especially my dad, to the FIBA games. My brothers loved the sport, and my dad loved the opportunity to be in the patron area and hobnob with the people he calls "VVIP". My dad is a starstruck corporate & political-scene fan, on top of being a basketball lover. The look of joy in his face was indescribable and the heart of a daughter beating inside my chest kept swelling up with pride and happiness. He got to take so many photos with these "VVIP"s and got to shake so many hands. He had a front-row seat to the feat that Gilas landed, and was among the thousands of cheering fans when they won that match against Korea. He was so happy and sent me a text last night expressing this joy and his gratitude.

You see, my dad is highly "choosy"-- it's supremely hard to excite him and elicit a reaction, and that makes this "achievement" mean so much more to me. Yes, it did cost me quite a lot of money to make it happen, but it was money so well spent. It's rare for me to have an opportunity like this. And I'm also grateful to have such a supportive and loving husband who didn't mind the expense and recognized what we were actually buying with that amount.

Love you, Papa - so much more than I can ever express.

A bit of TTC humor

Here's a bit of TTC humor to jumpstart this long weekend. I got my period yesterday and was feeling kinda low, as I was hoping the extreme relaxation at Siem Reap would've helped us bag our first pregnancy. Oh well, it's not meant to be. Dennis did cheer me up though by trying to act out a mini skit (I know, it's hard to imagine my teddy bear husband doing this but that's how much he loves me) showing how our baby is choosing to play peek-a-boo with mommy and daddy and teasing us before he/she makes the grand entrance.

The same idea is shown in this pic :p

Happy long weekend!

Siem Reap

is the "place we haven't been to before" vacation of 2013. We agreed that we will try our best to visit one "new place" every year, and there happened to be a great deal on airfare to Siem Reap (only 3,500 per person, yay!) so off we went to have a delayed celebration for Dennis' birthday.

And it turned out to be one of our favorite vacation spots. SR has a good mix of enough places to see and visit, and not too many distractions that will make you feel like sitting idly in a cafe and people-watching would be a waste of vacation time. It was a very chill kind of place, and we loved it! I think this was our most well-rested vacation, where upon arrival to Manila, we did not feel like we needed another vacation to recover from the vacation we just went on.

Food is cheap and good. The place is safe for tourists and there are many hotel options that don't break the bank (ours was a 4-star hotel at only $60 per night with so many free inclusions like free round-trip airport transfers, free laundry, free minibar, free breakfast & free room upgrade!). Shopping is a bit limited though, but the nice ones that are worth your dollars are also quite affordable. Tuktuks everywhere also make going around easy.

And of course, the reason one would go to SR would be to see the biggest religious complex in the world and one of the Wonders of the World - the Angkor Wat complex. It IS a must-see, at least once in your lifetime. It's marvelous how the complex was put up and how it remains so well-preserved until this day.

In fact, the Philippines can learn so much from SR. They maintained their best features / sites so well, and they take care of their tourists. Even their airport can kick all of our 3 NAIA's butts. Tsk tsk. To think this country just completely ended civil war about 12 or so years ago, and how well they have recovered and gotten back up. Galing!

So yes, visit Siem Reap when you can! :)

Mom-in-waiting

Both my sisters in law were briefly pregnant and are now both not pregnant anymore. One had a chemical pregnancy so wasn't technically pregnant, but hey a conception is a conception, regardless of whether or not it was able to implant. My other sister in law had a more painful experience -- getting confirmed to be pregnant, hearing the heartbeat, being told to go on bedrest then finding out that the baby no longer had heartbeat on its 8th week. I am only observing from the outside but even I felt immense sadness and can only imagine the pain of hearing the heartbeat only to have it taken away. I don't even want to think about it. How can a baby be there one second and be gone the next?

That's why sometimes I wonder if I am better off in my current situation of not having anything happen at all, rather than fall pregnant, be over the moon about it, get all excited and hopeful, only to come crashing down to earth. 

Then again, I guess all this is still worth it to go through, if only to learn from the experience, have a better chance next time and hopefully be able to give birth to a bouncing, beautiful baby. 

To each her own path, I guess. 

I pray for all broken-hearted moms-in-waiting. 

:-/

Trying not to be too let-down, even if we did get a tip already before to manage expectations. It's just so tough. 

I wish. 

I wish many things. 

Oh well.

Halfway through 2013

It's July 1, so that means we just passed the halfway mark through 2013. Lots to look forward to : Siem Reap in July, China in September, Bangkok in October and Baguio again in December. We would've added another trip in August but well, that didn't work out hehe. Also look forward to my husband pursuing hjs acqdemic plans-- which I prefer and support over the foreign-service idea before. Then before we know it, the year will be over and it'll be 2014! How fast! 

I am only human so let me get this off my chest....

Whenever I see posts from pregnant women who are whining, complaining or bitching (the stages of complaining) about their symptoms, whether it's morning sickness, fatigue, bodyaches, zits, etc., I feel like telling them, "Ok I'll take all your symptoms away but can that mean I take on your pregnancy for you too?" I know that I feel this way because they have something I don't have, but it just strikes me as.... Okay, since I'm getting ultra honest here.... as unbelievably ungrateful to be complaining about temporary discomforts when these are a small price to pay in exchange for a blessing that some women would PAY to have. The way I see it, the aches and pains come with the territory --- a territory that you presumably wanted  to enter in the first place. You've been blessed with a gift-- a gift not everyone gets to have-- so take it lock, stock and barrel. 

Because really, at the end of the day, women like me would KILL, PAY and BEG (choose whichever desperate action you prefer) to be in your acne-laden, nauseous, bloated and overly fatigued positions. We'll take all that in exchange for a baby on the way. We'll take your OB checkups over our fertility consults and invasive procedures. We'd rather be in your shoes. And you wouldn't want to be in our symptom-free, baby-free ones. If you knew just how closely infertile women stalk symptoms, magnify every little ache or nausea, in the hopes of joining your club, I believe you'd see your symptoms for the blessings that they truly are. 

It's like rich people telling poor people the hassles of having money. Or privileged kids in school whining about homework to street children. Or that they don't like the baon that was packed for them. Earns the "tang ina naman" response, right?

So please. Please choose which side you wanna be in. And take all that that side entails. You will not be uncomfortable forever. But you will be someone's mom forever. Some of us are still waiting if our turn to be that will ever come.

Ok, glad that's off my chest. If you're one of these women, please don't take offense. Nothing personal. Just a general sentiment. 

I will miss you and love you forever.

Day 1 -- My new (and first ever) room

Welcome to my new office!