Miracle Birthday 2014

Posting this because:

- I did this just now

- I've never seen a "successful" one before

- I wanted a more "traditional" proof of our miracle especially since making it happen had us traveling down an unconventional path

- I just want to ;)

Even if I first found out officially about a week and a half ago, I still wanted to pee on a preggers stick. I want to see that positive second line - the more conventional way that people find out they're on the way. It was as satisfying as I imagined. I loved it. Loved looking at it. Loved waving it around at my husband. Loved it. 

Love the little one finally finding its way and is burrowing into my uterus. 

Love love love. 

I didn't want to update sooner because.... well, I guess a part of me was still "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Infertility traumatizes in so many ways and I am surprised to experience this weird sense of "bracing" for the miracle to be taken away. Getting disappointed way too many times does that to you. Failing too many times can make you start to doubt if you deserve to succeed. A part of me wanted more proof, before I could allow myself to write these words. 

By no means am I over it - this sense of "bracing" - but I do feel like the unbelievably good news has started to sink in more and more each day. Especially - most especially - during the milestone little victories whenever we have a blood test and ultrasound (now every 5 days) to make sure the baby is growing well. One good side in IVF is the constant monitoring. I find myself waiting for the next check to put my mind at ease that everything is going well. 

We've told some people but not too many - just family, very good friends who've been with us in this journey and of course, as a matter of necessity, my colleagues because they needed to understand my frequent skip-outs and absences. 

We've also allowed ourselves to dream - to imagine, to think farther ahead. We've also started saying "baby" instead of embryo. And saying "baby" sends so much joy into my heart- more than I can ever express. 

I know there's still a long road to go from here. I'm only 5 and a half weeks along, and due to my immunologic issues, there are many things to manage. But I am all prepped for it. Injections of heparin have to be done daily. And those shots can hurt. They can look innocent like this -

But they can cause bruises on the stomach as bad as this --

(Don't be too alarmed. Since then I've learned to inject very very slowly, as in over 3-4 minutes, and to wait 10 seconds before pulling the needle out. But still, this mother fucker of a bruise still freaked me out when it appeared hahaha)

On top of that, I need to double up on acupuncture and to continue my LIT rounds. Pricey when they all pile up, but no money has ever been more worth spending. 

What else... Not much symptoms so far but I know it's still early. The only big one so far is the cramping in the early morning, enough to wake me up. I just find myself talking to the baby, telling it to go ahead and keep growing and not worry about the cramping. Mommy can take it all and much much more just to make sure he/she is healthy and growing strongly. Nothing else matters. 

Love. 

This has been the best birthday, best month, best time of my life. I can't find enough words to describe it - truly a dream come true. 

Thank you so much. 

Thank you. 

My heart is full. 

PUPO take 2!

Okay, I mentioned before what PUPO meant, right? In infertility lingo, it means "pregnant until proven otherwise" and this is a term that women use after undergoing an embryo transfer, because technically, you have a living embryo in your uterus but then it's too early for you to know for sure if it took and if the pregnancy has officially begun. Anyway...

So yesterday was my FET. I arrived at KATO at 11am to get my blood drawn for my progesterone level. My last blood work showed that my P4 levels were on the low side of normal so the doctor said we have to check again on FET day to make sure I was making enough progesterone. It was a bit of a wait as there was a marked increase in the number of women who were there at the same time. So Dennis and I took turns playing games on the iPad (I’m currently obsessing on Diner Dash 2015, try it!) to pass the time. After an hour, the doctor went to me and said “we’re a go!” Hoorah!

So the next step was for the embryologist to thaw my lone blastocyst (which took 7 days to achieve blasto stage, coming from a semi mature egg that went through IVM or in vitro maturation) and see if it can survive enough for transfer. We were sent off to lunch and told to come back in an hour. Nerves in my midsection once again!!! I prayed that my dear little fighter could survive the thawing process. I knew it developed slowly back in June when we did the retrieval (if you want a reminder of how this part of the story unfolded, go to this: http://mylittlesanctuary.blogspot.com/2014/06/embryologist-consult.html)

I guess it’s due to being only half-mature at the egg stage and I read somewhere that the energy for an embryo to go along the dev’t stages all came from the egg. Ironically though, this particular blasto originally had a companion – a second egg cultured to blasto stage using a mature egg. I would’ve assumed the mature contender would make a stronger blast but surprise surprise, it disintegrated on day 6. My little fighter of a semi-mature egg turned slowly into a blast by day 7 and held on! Wow! The embryologist was initially concerned about its slow dev’t but it made it on Day 7 and was sent to be frozen. So that brings my frozen inventory to 2 : one blast and one day-2 embie. Then I found out I had autoimmune conditions that I had to address first before doing the transfer phase. So my two snow babies were frozen from then on until October when my LAT scores finally went up.

Okay, so back to my FET story. We came back from lunch early and waited anxiously for the thaw report. We were called in after a few minutes and were told that yes, our little fighter made it to thaw and the embryologist subjected it to laser assisted hatching or LAH as they called it because they felt its outer shell was harder than they wanted it to be, especially considering that this blast was on the “weaker” side as its dev’t was quite slow at the onset. They said this LAH step should increase its chances of implanting because the hatching part will easier. I hadn’t quite thought much about assisted hatching at that point but I felt what they said made sense. I was then led to the prep room to prepare for the transfer.

The transfer itself went well partly because I already knew what to expect. I emptied my bladder and changed into the gown and put on my OR cap in quick succession. No more tentative steps like with my first ivf. This ain’t my first turn on the merry-go-around after all. While waiting to be called into the OR, I said a prayer and found myself sobbing the words out in my head. I prayed for a safe procedure and a successful transfer. I prayed that this little fighter was going to be our take-home baby. There’s got to be a reason why it was able to hold on against the odds. I cried out all my anxiety and found a sense of calm afterwards. Just in time to be called into the OR.

The actual procedure felt a bit more painful than I remembered. Maybe because I had given Dr. Mendiola a printout of my bicornuate uterus beforehand (which I didn’t do the first time around) to guide him on where to best deposit the embryo. As a result, he seemed to have prodded around a bit before settling on a spot. I hope this was a good sign. Everything else was routine. Oh and my uterine lining was a good 10! Yay!

In the end, I got this picture of our expanding blast and got sent home with Progynova, progesterone suppositories and Dydrogesterone tabs to take until my beta day next week. That was a surprise for me as I thought it would take 9 days to do my blood test. Apparently, the LAH cut down a bit of the wait time and I test for the outcome exactly a week after. Nice. Less waiting time means less crazy time with the hormones messing with my head and my emotions and with the idle time on my hands leading me to Google stuff online that I shouldn't be reading anyway. Haha!

And here’s the snapshot of my little fighter. Say hello!

It was graded a "D" with A being the highest. I am not sure how they do blastocyst grading in KATO, as it doesn't coincide with world standards (or maybe American standards, to be precise, which uses a mix of numbers and letters in blastocyst grading). In any case, I figure, there's no use obsessing about it anyway, since I would have still done the transfer no matter what the implications of the grading may be. This little fighter will get his or her chance to grow into a baby inside me, and only fate will be the final arbiter if it makes it or not.

Hang in there, little fighter! Mommy loves you already.

Waiting for you, love!

Looks like we're a go for Tuesday's embryo transfer of our Day-5 embaby. Please pray for us that everything goes well!!

I have this superstitious thing of doing everything differently from the first ivf round, in the hopes that it leads to a different result. For instance, no staycation this time. Plus, I'll do a traditional Pinoy hilot in the abdominal area tonight as a form of prep work for Tuesday. I'm also not taking the entire 10 days off from work. I'll only be out for 4 working days, giving myself about 6 days post transfer to let the embryo implant. After that, I'll go back to the office for about 3-4 more days before the results day. I'll also do acupuncture the day after the transfer. All these things, I did differently in the first round. I know it's pure superstition but hey, what if it works?! Hehe. 

Praying for you to come along this time around, little love. Let this be IT. 

So this happened today...

I pray it's a harbinger of better things to come in the future, specifically this month as we try again to fulfill our baby dream! 

From my coworker, as texted to her by HR:

Good morning. I'm rushing to include Gladys' midyear promotion to Center Head/AVP for implementation this coming payroll. I think  you'd concur but I still need your "yes" to my sms then I'll send the panel feedback form ☺ Tks.

Grateful. 

Very grateful. 

This happens just when we wrapped up last weekend by talking about finances, cutting back and managing better. Can't help but see this as a sign that things will be alright, that Someone up there looks out for us, and that (hands together in prayer) we'll see the fruition of that which we have been wishing for for so long. 

Thank you again, my earthly boss. And thank you even more, to the Boss up there. You made this happen. 

:)

Start of FET and a bit of a story about an ex-friend

Okay, just a small update: Yesterday marked the first day of my first frozen embryo transfer (aka FET) cycle, which means I'm off to Kato today after an almost 3-month break due to immunological issues. It's time to resume my IVF and get our little frozen embaby transferred by mid-October. Wish us luck!!

What I wanted to blog about today doesn't concern infertility. Surprised? Hehe. I'm sorry if this blog has sort of morphed into an infertility memoir but I guess that's unavoidable as it's the single most significant force in my life now. Anyway, there are a lot of other things going on and I feel that maybe this one recent occurence should be written down so I can remind myself in the future why I decided to go a certain route with regard to a certain friend. 

Okay, I have this good friend (friend of about 10 years or so) who's always been that girl with issues - aka hyperdriven at work to compensate for loneliness in other parts of her life, who can be a bit judgmental, a bit hard to manage but overall a loving and caring person. I've always sought to understand her as she also endeavored to support and understand me as well. I've always thought we had a solid friendship. Until now. 

It started with a phone call. She called me in hysterics and told me she was in my brother's restaurant and was enraged at the staff for refusing to accept her JCB credit card. Backgrounder: She is the country manager for JCB in the Phils and one of their major business challenges is market acceptance and understanding that partner-bank terminals can accept their cards. This has thrown her into a hissy fit before, and I witnessed it myself when we had brunch in a different place about a year ago. Anyway, she told me the server quoted management directions that indicate JCB cards were not accepted in their establishment and since I didn't know the full story why that was the case, I told her I was saddened to hear what happened and that I will ask my brother. I felt at that point, what else was there for me to say? She went on and on though, even going to the point of telling me "I am here altruistically supporting your brother and this is what I get in return? I will never come back here again!"

That got me upset, as you can imagine. But at this point, I still held it together and told her I'll find out what happened. 

We then hung up the phone and I whatsapped my brother to ask what happened. While waiting for his reply, I checked the FB notifications I've been receiving this entire time and was flabbergasted to see that this incensed friend had the gall to post about being in my brother's resto and tagged me in the post. Which meant my family and frienda on FB could see it. This by itself is not something to react to, you might say. I would agree, except she updated her status by adding that the place is horrible, she wanted to puke out everything she ate and never wanted to go back there. Basically badmouthing it. To my face, since I was tagged. In front of the world, at least the FB world. 

This was the last straw. 

By this time, my brother replied. The explanation was that JCB wasn't part of the regular module of their POS provider and while their BDO terminal could accept the charge, it cannot be read by the POS and hence their chits won't tally at the end of the day and the imbalance would mean accounting issues later on. He also said that he has requested for the additional module, which would cover JCB and Amex, but the supplier hasn't sent someone over to install. He went on to ask if my friend was still upset and what he could do to appease her in the meantime. My brother's nice reply made me feel even madder at my friend, as he was extending extra courtesy to her given my friendship, yet she went on to lambast his establishment IN SPITE of our friendship. Anyway, I replied a simple "it's okay, I'll handle it" and left it at that. I went on to FB and untagged myself from the awful post. And replied to my friend via text a seething explanation. 

I told her the reason why her beloved card couldn't be accepted. And suggested to her that perhaps instead of blowing her top at merchant partners, her company should just invest in PR with POS providers and in an educational campaign with merchants. I then ended with telling her I did not appreciate her tone, choice of words and actions about this issue. I did NOT owe her anything, and how dare she rub in my face that she was "altruistically" supporting my brother. I never made friends spend money in my family's businesses if they didn't want to and I soooo did not appreciate being made to feel that way. I felt her behavior cheapened our friendship and made it look like it was made of nothing of value. If she didn't care how her words could hurt me and my family, then that says a lot about her, not me. 

I remember being so mad, my hands were shaking. Dennis just hugged me to try and comfort me. I felt so attacked. I felt my family was unduly attacked. By a friend, no less. 

She then texted back some bullshit message about being stressed at work, pressured to expand the business, etc. even dragged feng shui into it, about it being a bad year for her sign. I don't give a rat's ass. That's not a valid reason to hurt people.

Anyway, cut to a few weeks later where she texts me that our common friend was in town and was in pain over a recent career situation. I knew it was an effort to reach out to me but I wasn't ready to engage with her. Texted back a curt "yes I know. I'm in touch with her. Thanks" to which she replied "okay" and a "sorry na" in reference to what happened. Firstly, "sorry na" ain't an apology in my book. Secondly, what happened isn't something a text could make disappear. I ignored it. 

A replay (meaning she texted again when our common friend was about to fly out, saying pretty much the same thing including the apology with matching "it won't happen again") happened about 2 weeks later. Also ignored it. 

At this point, I am no longer mad at her as much as I am disappointed and disillusioned. I cannot view our friendship the same way again. How can I just sweep this under the rug? 

I still don't know how to talk to her again without thinking of what happened, so I have not talked to her in months. I just can't shake it off. What has been said cannot be unsaid. A line that's been crossed cannot be uncrossed. 

And while I may be able to eventually fully forgive her, I cannot forget it. So while I don't harbor bad feelings anymore, I also cannot say I have positive feelings towards her either. No motivation to start up a conversation again, much less a bond. I have no interest in the idea. At all. And without that, how can a friendship survive and move forward? Does that make sense to you? 

So there we are. Ex-friends. Not by my design. Sad but I don't know how to change how I feel.

Lesson learned too. Definitely avoid opening your mouth and speaking your mind when you're upset. :-/

More hormones and a tear-jerker of a photo

So today, I researched "Prednisone" - the latest in the lineup of drugs I take for management of my various infertility issues. It's a synthetic hormone and it's designed to lower your immune system to allow better chances of implantation. I just read that the common side effects are insomnia, weight gain / bloating, steroidal osteoporosis (shit!), sometimes depression and mania (this I experienced early on, like on the second day --- freaky!). Insert big sigh. Oh well, just gotta suck it all up. I hope it works for this natural cycle, or if not, for next month's FET (frozen embryo transfer) when we resume IVF in October.

So if I'm extra bloated the next time you see me, please be polite and don't say anything about it. Hehe.

Meanwhile, saw this online in an infertility blog and instantly cry as soon as I read it. The blogger and her husband were on a vacation and were on a hiatus after an almost 4-year battle with infertility. At the resort, part of the activities they joined was this sort of 'get to know you' thing among guests, like this "before I die" bucket list. Her husband had this answer:

It made me cry. Only because it could have been an answer of my own husband. He wants nothing more - absolutely NOTHING MORE in this world-  than to be a dad.

LAT: check!

Today's good news! 

So we'll do one more "for the road" then we can hurry back to our frozen embabies next cycle! Wish us luck and please continue praying! :)

To Whom It May Concern

A song I'm loving now.

I know it was written addressed to a future lover, but to me the song represents my wait for my precious child.

Listen :)

"To Whom It May Concern"

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Envy

I won't lie. Pregnancy announcements bring me so much pain. Anguish. Envy. Sometimes anger. Envy. Bitterness. Sadness. Envy. Despair. 

And envy. 

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Have you ever had just one wish, one dream fill every idle thought? Have you ever prayed just one prayer, the same prayer, for years and years, wondering if it gets heard? Have you ever changed your life so much, sacrificed so much, to try to have something others get seemingly so easily? In a drop of a hat. In a month's try. Just like that.

Some people even go on to share that they've "waited" for it, for a year, for 6 months. Hearing that tears at my already battered heart just a little bit more. Let me tell you what waiting really means. 

Some proudly proclaim it was a stroke of luck. Some call it an unexpected blessing. Reading that on a post is like getting ice sliced through my chest. Not that I don't think they deserve the blessing, but my knee-jerk thought revolves around wondering if we deserve it less. And if we did, what did we do to have this fate thrown on our laps? What did we do that was so wrong?

But after all those feelings of pain, anger and even bitterness subside, the longer lingering emotion that is much tougher to quell is bone-crushing envy. I want want want want want to be in her shoes. So bitterly badly. So desperately badly. I would trade everything in my life to be in her lucky shoes. I am not a jealous person by nature, so being jealous over someone else's blessing hurts me probably the most out of all these feelings evoked by a pregnancy announcement - feelings I never wanted to have. 

You see, I am a good person. I wish people well. I wish people good luck. I am happy for people when something good happens to them. I celebrate alongside people I love. I pray for other people's intentions. I am a good person. 

But this good person is also human. And this good person gets sad. Very very sad. This good person's good nature has taken quite a beating from infertility. This good person feels so much unwanted jealousy that it brings on so much shame. I am not this bitter, jealous person. I am not. Infertility can't make me.  It can't.

But it does. 

I let it. Tonight. When I saw that announcement on Instagram. I allowed all those feelings in, and I allowed myself to cry. 

Because even good people have bad moments. And even good people have bad emotions. I allow myself that. 

Tonight. I cry. 

Second Donor LIT done!

Next up: Blood test on Sept 2! Wish us luck!

Fuji!!!

Gigil over these photos!! Love you, baby girl!!

LIT session #3, donor session #1

Donor needed

So, the LIT didn't work, at least not with Dennis' blood. The doctor reassured us it's quite common among the Chinese, maybe because Chinese couples tend not to intermarry, for many many generations, hence our blood may be a bit too alike. So the next course of action is to get donated blood from someone not Chinese and see how I respond after 2 sessions. The theory is the more foreign the blood source, the better the reaction.

At first we thought of who among our friends can be asked to donate. But then when you take into account the preparation, screening of blood (also an extra expense), additional time and the drive to Katipunan, times 2 for 2 sessions, it's quite a lot to ask of someone as a favor. So we opted to go with the clinic's stable of donors, who sell their blood for 1,000 per session, and who have already been screened. And this way, only my and the doctor's schedule will be taken into account. The donor will usually just follow the sched. 

So there you go. I'll do the first session tomorrow. Another 17k (times two!) about to go down the drain. I don't mean to complain but a part of me is frustrated it didn't work with Dennis when I had such high hopes it would. Although, I did mention here that the second round using Dennis' blood didn't seem to register much of a reaction. Maybe that was a clue. 

On the other hand, my thyroid seems to have responded to medication and has improved and decreased to the acceptable level. So it's the LIT nalang and we should be good to go back to Kato. 

Yesterday we were at a birthday party with Dennis' law school friends and I realized with sadness that out of about 12 couples, it's just us and another couple (who incidentally is also doing LIT and acupuncture in the same places that we go to!) that have yet to have a little one. Infertility can be horribly and painfully isolating, and that was probably one of the worst isolation moments for me. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. It seems like everyone has eventually gotten there at one point or another, even those that had a bit of difficulty too and used to consult me on treatment options. Then there's us. Can't help it, it also feels really unfair and very cruel. Of all people, why us? 

Ok, pity party is over. It's a holiday today and we're doing a GoT marathon. Happy vibes only. While I can't change our situation, I can always manage my attitude about it. It's normal to feel down but there's always the choice not to stay down. 

Fight! LIT, be nicer to me this time around!

Downton Abbey and The White Queen

A bit of a break from the infertility talk, lest people think I am not capable of thinking of or talking about other things apart from infertility :p Let's talk about TV series!!!

I've recently discovered two titles that I couldn't stop watching. I couldn't believe I've gone on without seeing them earlier! One is the White Queen, a British television drama series with just 10 episodes, written as a combination of the bestselling historical novels of Philippa Gregory -- The Cousin's War, composed of three installments The White Queen, The Red Queen and the Kingmaker's Daughter. A mix of love story, magic, medieval royalty and war, it was so engaging from start to finish that I often sneaked in an episode or two in the evenings before I slept even if I could barely keep my eyes open :p

The other one is Downton Abbey, a multiawarded British costume drama television series, set in a fictional country estate of the same name. It tells the story of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants, set in the picturesque and elegant post-Edwardian era, with big events in world history set as the backdrop of the storytelling. For instance, the first episode was told as an offshoot of the sinking of the Titanic while the last episode of Season 1 was set amidst the start of the first world war.

I love how the era is presented in this series in such an elegant and beautiful way, with social graces being a top priority in the way people dealt with each other, where men were all gentlemen regardless of rank, and all women were ladies. Please do watch it!

Sharing...

I shared our story under a pseudonym and through BabyHopeful, to try to raise awareness and help other people out. 

Also want to share this photo I found online and I felt is such an apt answer to my boss who recently asked me at what point do I give up on my dream--

I know he is very professional, sometimes to the point of being cold, and he never underwent anything remotely near what we're going through. But still. Insensitivity is one of society's worst crimes against infertility sufferers. This is a good answer to that question. 

Hey, hubby, it's your birthday! :p

It's my darling husband's birthday today. I don't know where I'd be without him -- he who has stood by me, loved me, accepted me, cherished me, believed in me through both the best of times and the worst of times. So on the occasion of his 35th birthday, I :

- thank the good God above for leading me to him and for paving the very smooth way for us to get together and be together.

- thank him for :
(1) loving my family and taking them as his own
(2) loving me through our bout with infertility, which has yet to mark its happy ending, and for wanting it to conclude happily as much as I do
(3) always giving me the benefit of the doubt, sometimes even when I don't deserve it
(4) always making me feel beautiful, even in those first few minutes in bed after waking up wherein I know I am nowhere near presentable
(5) making me laugh, making me smile and making me blush
(6) thinking of me first and foremost, in everything in life
(7) providing for me and our home
(8) dreaming the same dreams as I do and working his hardest to make them come true

- promise him even happier and fuller next 35 birthdays and beyond (all the way up to 90!)

This is for you. The perfect song for our perfect love :)

All of Me

Happy birthday, my love!

Photo with Fuji on her baptism :)

LIT working....? I hope....

I just notice today that my second LIT is not making a mark. Literally. My skin is just a tad reddish but apart from that, nothing else. Here it is at Day 5 post-injection -

In fact, the two little red dots you see there are leftover marks from my first session. Then you see a little reddish area with a greenish bruise-like tinge, then that's it! No bump. No irritation. No itch. 

I wonder what this means. I hope it bodes well for me. 

Updates

Had our second LIT session last Saturday --

Dr Aleta gave me instructions to do another blood test in two weeks so we can see if the treatment is working. If not, we would need to look for another donor. Apparently, some patients who have friends who are also undergoing the same thing can swap blood samples. This makes things easier because at least you know your donor and the donor won't feel so inconvenienced since it's an x-deal. Good thing, Dennis and I both have friends who are doing LIT too. So if ever we need more sessions and a different  donor, we have standby already. 

In other news, it was baby Fuji's baptism the other day. Here she is in her pretty pink lacey dress :)

Love love love!

More surprises. And confusion.

So the other day, I got my NK cells results and wanted immediately to go see Dra Velez to get an interpretation. Recall that as of my first visit to her, I was still lacking my NK panel results. So, when I got them the other day, I sent her the results via email and texted her to see if I can meet her that day. I quite liked her during our first meeting, so I was hopeful to get the same reception and same level of care. More than that, I was hopeful that my results meant I don't have to deal with NK issues, as they are the mother-fucker of fertility immunology conditions and are SO expensive to hurdle.

Lo and behold, she told me that judging from my results, I would need intralipid infusion therapy, hereby defined as: "Intralipid infusion therapy is a treatment, which is administered through an IV drip in the arm made from soya bean oil, egg yolk, glycerin and water. Intralipid Infusion therapy provides the body with essential fatty acids that help to lower the activity of Natural Killer (NK) cells." I started to worry, first about what this means for our IVF attempts then secondly about what it means financially. Each infusion costs a pretty significant 5-digit figure each time, and from what I know, I'll need several rounds to keep the NK cells from acting up. She said that a certain CD36 level was high, so I needed these treatments to stabilize them. I didn't quite understand. The text was short and didn't really provide enough explanation.

So I texted her back and asked if I could see her. I also called her landline to ask the nurse if I can get squeezed in. At this point, there was a good hour before her appointment schedule was over for the day.

Then I got brushed off - she essentially asked me to ask my LIT doctor about it since she may also perform it anyway. Whuuuut?! Is this because I chose not to get my LIT injections through her clinic, which was charging a good 8-9k MORE than the clinic in Katipunan?! Is this politics at work?! OMG.

Anyhow, I decided to ignore her and made a plan to see a different doctor - Dra Aleta, who held clinic in RAI Center in SLukes. Incidentally, this is also the doctor who gave me the LIT injections and who I think owns the Katipunan blood lab. Her appointment schedule was that same afternoon, so I figured I'll just go to her to get the results explained. I couldn't wait another day before getting the interpretations and the implications.

This is when I started getting really confused. Dra Aleta basically had opposite interpretations and recommendations as Dr Velez, save for the LIT which they both agree I needed. Dra Aleta told me that she is concerned about my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels because while they are normal for an average adult who is not trying to get pregnant, the levels are also way beyond the maximum of 2.0 that is optimal for those who do want to get pregnant. So she recommended that I took thyroid hormones to lower this level of TSH so I can reach the optimum level before I restart IVF. She also told me I didn't need intralipid infusions because the NK cells level result I have is within range. She also asked me to do 2 more tests, because all the paperwork I showed her still lacked 2 more tests to complete the fertility immunology workup.

I was stumped. How can two doctors say exactly the opposite things when looking at the same sheets of paper!?

I then turned to Dr Google - aka the repository of knowledge when one is stumped and has no one (at least no living, breathing person) to turn to.

So far, my research has supported Dra Aleta's assertions. My TSH level is indeed below fertility-optimal levels. I also read that the NK cells level she was reading seems to be within normal range. So so far, Dr Google affirmed Aleta's reading and not Velez's. I don't know what to make of this.

Even my husband, who is a biology major, is stumped. He doesn't want me taking hormones until the recommendation is validated by a 2nd opinion. So I made an appointment with another immunologist, who is actually my sister-in-law's immunologist, to get his reading on the matter. Hopefully he aligns with Aleta too so that I can move forward with her recommendations, because I am sick of just standing in place! Part of me wants to get moving already with our embryos and start trying again. But the other part does understand that I need to sort out these immunology stuff to better optimize my system to receive my embryos. But waiting sucks! This third doctor, Dr Gloria, is apparently super duper busy and is only available next Wed. Next Wed! A full week from now. A full week wasted. Grrr. The OC in me is not pleased.

But Dennis is adamant that I get his opinion first. So wait is all I can do for now. And research.

Hay.  Waiting sucks. Being confused sucks.

:-S

Blogs that inspire me in this journey

Part of the survival kit for infertility is to look for other people going through infertility and deriving inspiration from them. Here are two of my favorite blogs --

1. A husband and wife team-up :
http://ourmisconception.blogspot.com/

2. A witty ex-marketer, now SAHM living a life totally different from what she envisioned :
http://scrambled-eggs.org/

Enjoy!