Griffin's 5th month!

Update

Ok, this blog is feeling pretty neglected. Haha! In the short hiatus, the following things have happened:

1. Gboy got baptised! We held it on Sept 26, a week after our 5th wedding anniversary. We kept the whole affair pretty simple and low-key, only inviting our immediate families and the godparents.  Griffin cried the whole ceremony long, only to stop as soon as it was done. Haha!

Griffin all calm once the ceremony ended. Haha!

Btw, many people have asked why we got him baptised, when we're Buddhist. First off, baptism is not banned in Buddhism. And we quite like what it symbolizes. Plus, we figured we needs the baptismal certificate anyway when he goes to big school. Might as well get the ceremony done now:)

2. Griffin breached the 20-pound mark before he hit 5-months old. Nuff said. Haha! He now wears 12-18 month onesies, some even 24 month ones. 

3. Griffin has rolled over about 3-4 times so far but seems to prefer to be assisted to stand up. 

4. We brought him out for the first time without a yaya last weekend and to a mall for the first time two weekends before that. Griffin loves to go out. What a lakwatsero. Haha!

That's it so far. It's my 33rd birthday tomorrow and I can't believe I'm welcoming it as a mom. Griffin is the biggest blessing I've ever received and I'm forever changed by his entry into my life. Thank you, baby boy. You've made Mommy complete and fulfilled. I can't ask for more. 

What I wish I could tell myself 3 months ago...

Griffin turned 3 months last Sunday. What a whirlwind first quarter of life. It got me thinking of how much I've grown and how much I've changed in the past 90 days. Here's a list of what I wish I could've advised my new-mom self, who got a 2-week advance leap into motherhood last May 30. In other words, things I wish I knew:

1. You will get used to the sleepless nights. 

Before Griffin, I would need about 8-9 hours of sleep a night. This is what a "good night's sleep" would mean to me. Hence my body's shock at this new sleep schedule-- even worse when he was on his first month-- of waking, feeding, burping, sleeping and again and again. But now, I think I've gotten the hang of the feeling already, that it's much easier now to do tasks and function like an adult during the day, despite the sleeplessness. But there was a time when I felt the physical toll and doubted how people could possibly survive it for so long. 

2. He will get neonatal acne / rashes on his first month. Don't panic. It is normal. 

3. He will be very gassy and he will have trouble pooping... but he will get the hang of these sensations more and more as he grows. Just be patient. Stop googling. 

4. He will grow so fast. Lightning speed for 3 months. This is Griffin when he was first discharged (and lost lots of weight):

This is him at the cusp of 3 months:

On the first pedia checkup, you will be told he is underweight. Chill and let your baby catch up. Because he most definitely will. :p

5. You will discover your protective maternal side. It will come out each time he is uncomfortable, irritable or miserable. I don't even know how I'll

be when he does get sick for real (knock on wood).

6. Your husband will have his own way of parenting, different from yours. Let him discover it and practice it. Try not to control everything or get all helicopter-mom. Let him love Griffin in his own way. The baby won't break. 

7. Diaper changing is a pain. No shame in admitting that. 

8. Griffin will not like bundling up. He is like a radiator--- easy to sweat, slow to feel cold. The blankets are not needed most of the time.

9. Ease up on the 3-months clothes. He will take after his dad. He now wears 9-month or 12-month onesies.

10. Being on fulltime mommy mode will get boring sometimes and overwhelming on other times. Just go with the flow and remember that at the end of the day, all this goes by so fast. The days may be long but the months definitely go by in a blink. You now have 4 solid months left of being a mom and nothing else. Savor it.

Happy 3 months, love! And happy 3 months of motherhood to me :)

A post-pregnancy milestone

My first mani-pedi in almost 10 weeks. Haha!

New at this mothering thing...

I'm barely two months into this character-changing thing called mothering, and one word can clearly describe the experience so far: Overwhelming. 

How, you ask?

Overwhelming to be worried about every single little thing and every single (seemingly) big thing about a tiny little person. Throughout Griffin's first few weeks, we've had the following big and small worries:

1. His pectus excavatum: Griffin was born with a condition whereby his chest concaves inward. The counterpart of this condition is pectus carinatum where the chest wall concaves outward, or what people usually call pigeon-holed chests. Griffin's curves the other way, and colloquially, people call this "sunken chest". It made his breathing problems (see Griffin's blog for more details) seem more drastic than they were and I think this made the IMCU nurses and doctors panic when he stayed there and made them refer him to the NICU- which started our hellish introduction to neonatal intensive care. 

This is how it looked at its worse, taken on his second day of life:

From my research, this is a congenital "deformity" just like the opposite condition and often doesn't need treatment, unless it interferes with his breathing as he grows bigger. As you can imagine, this brought us a lot of worries until Griffin's super capable pediatric pulmonologist came into our lives and allayed our fears. 

2. Griffin also has what's called hydrocele or a collection of fluid in the balls, emanating from water from the abdominal cavity that leaked into the balls due to the unclosed openings in his groin from which the balls descended. His pedia diagnosed this on his second checkup and referred us to a pediatric surgeon (two very scary words when brought together). The surgeon confirmed Dr Nuguidms suspicion and asked us to come back in October to see if the swelling worsened or if the water dissipated back into his body. 

3. Griffin has colic. And very bad gas. And a very bad temper when he has these two things, which of course attack together. Sometimes constipation (or at least backed-up poop) comes in and joins the party as well! This is what constitutes "everyday worries" for me. 

It's also been overwhelming to have so many things occupy my mind on a daily basis. I dunno how moms do it. I am thinking of Griffin and what he's feeling for the day, planning that evening's menu, working out whatever domestic issue needs resolving (at the moment, it's the broken dryer and the huge water bill), thinking of when to have his baptism, making the grocery list, trying to catch some zzz's during the day, etc. All this while being on leave from work. I can't imagine adding work stress to the already full list. OA. 

Overwhelming to have so many questions about babycare, wondering which concerns are legit and which are just silly, and mostly, figuring out my preference on certain things, as I realize few things baby-related are clearly black and white right or wrong. They're mostly belonging to the "up to you" column. Like should I continue breastfeeding or maybe formua feeding can give me more sleep and him longer sleep (since he'll always be full). Or should I use the babycarrier now or it's too early? Is it ok to give him antiflatulent meds so often or should I use the more natural Gripe Water? (Doc days use my judgment- this vague answer that leaves a lot of doubt in my mind annoys me haha)

Motherhood. What an overwhelming ride. I am overwhelmed at how overwhelmed I am. Does that make sense?

Ok. Baby is up. Time to feed!

Griffin's birth story

Is over at his wordpress blog :)

Instead of writing about what happened here, I figure I might as well write it over at Griffin's page so that he can read it when he's older. 

It's been 5 weeks since, and I still remember all the details. Decided to fight through the fatigue and put it down in writing to make sure my memory doesn't betray me later on. Hehe. 

Head on over there if you want to read up on my baby boy's entry into the world :)

May 30, 2015

The best day ever. 

Countdown (to my last working day)

I have 7 remaining days at work.

Hooray!

As in, seriously.

Haha!

I know some people think that going on leave a good week before is premature and 'sayang'. On one hand, I do see where they're coming from. On the other, if you knew the issues going on at work, you'd understand why I'd prefer to be away. I just don't want to think about this network's problems anymore, as they never ever end and never seem to get anywhere. I just want to be at peace and think about the coming arrival of my baby Griffin.

So, yes, I'm officially off starting June 1st. No more making board presentations, talking about issues that drag on forever, etc. I'm on Mommy Mode for the rest of the year! :) Yay! It's a privilege, I know, and a huge luxury (ask our bank account later on, if you want to verify) but I am eternally grateful and know that this time will not come by again.

7 days to go!

Griffin's corner :)

I set up a blog to chronicle anything and everything Griffin.

https://ourlittlewarriorgriffin.wordpress.com/

:)

31 weeks!

Here's my belly :p

Update! We have a date!

So, we consulted fengshui for the best times to bail Griffin out of my uterus and we were given three dates:

June 12

June 16

June 19

Then we asked Buddha (SSK) for the best option among the three. June 9 is also actually a good date but it was "counter" (or kontra) to my sign so that made it a non-contender. 

He chose.... Are you ready....

June 12! Hooray!

For some reason, even back in October when I found out I was pregnant and that my due date was June 30, I had a feeling already about June 12. As early as then, I started thinking (and even told Dennis once) what if I give birth on June 12 instead. Isn't this so cool?

So there you have it. We have about 6-ish weeks left to go. 

Makes me want to go shopping for baby stuff now. Haha!

Yay! See you soon, baby boy! :)

Update!

Got an interval ultrasound yesterday as ordered by Dr Manahan and was pleasantly surprised (or shocked may have been the better word) to hear that my darling little fighter has breached the 3 pound mark in just 2 weeks! He is now on the 65th percentile for his gestational age. I'm so proud! And grateful for Magnum (the ice cream) and this oppressive heat! Hooray!

So Dr M checked all his other measurements and was very happy with them. He also looked over my bloodwork and reiterated I need to eat more sodium-laden food. Omg. I dunno how much more salt I need to add to my diet! 

Oh and he broached the topic of a CS delivery yesterday. He said that while he think it's not impossible for me to do this the normal way, I do have the three criteria that he uses to recommend CS:

- Precious baby (usually referring to a much-awaited baby often resulting from invasive fertility treatments)

- Immune condition of the mother 

- Special uterine shape of the mother

So medyo check na check ako for all three. He also explained that while normal is easier on the mother, it is harder on the baby physically-speaking. The burden of being birthed falls on him. Since my baby is a "precious baby" as defined above, he said doctors usually take extra precaution and go for CS. This way, baby enters the world in the most peaceful way (peaceful from his perspective because he just goes from warm, dark womb to lighted, cold OR in a span of 1 second, VS being squeezed for hours in every contraction, finding his way to the cervix, and then finagling his head through the small opening). He also said that my specially shaped uterus may pose pathway challenges to Griffin if I try to push him out. The surface may not be smooth and he may run into structural impediments that "trap" him no matter how I push. Some of his patients with a specially shaped uterus who insist on a vaginal birth end up CS anyway when the labor results in fetal distress. So why risk it?

At first, I was saddened because in my head, giving birth meant doing the whole water bursting, contractions coming, pushing in the DR, etc. I even asked Dennis if I should feel "robbed" of the experience. He waved me off and reminded me the priority is Griffin and we have long surrendered the "ideal" when we accepted we needed science's help to have a baby. So keep on embracing science and just focus on the upside. 

Well, I suppose there are upsides. We get to choose his birthday - Dr M said as early as June 9, I can hold my baby in my arms already! And being Chinese, we can look up the best day and time. I can take my last shower (last in a whole month) leisurely without any pain of contractions, I can plan my hospital stay, etc. Having known variables is a big advantage. 

Dr M also said a CS is less tiring, so I can devote my energy to the latching and breastfeeding right after, if the baby is given the go-signal. Which I so want. One thing I was dreading about the possibility of a long drawn-out labor and delivery was being too zapped to apply the breastfeeding principles I've read up on. And while I didn't have this baby the conventional way, I do want to feed him the way nature intended. At least I do want to give it the best try I can. 

So next question was where to give birth. MMC was my original choice assuming a normal delivery. I felt much more confident in the staff there. And I heard the anesthesiologists in SLMC are not very good. 

Dr M allayed my concerns by telling me that he only has to use the anes on duty in SLMC only for epidurals in normal deliveries. For CS, it is patient's choice. So I will use his partner anesthesiologist who is a champ! And SLMC's facilities are better and newer. So it is really my choice. No special advantage now for MMC, which is actually more expensive pa than SLMC. 

So now I'm torn - even leaning towards the newer hospital. Might as well, right? 

Which brings me to a pedia conundrum. The pedias I talked to were both MMC-based. So now I have to expand my search to those that practice in SLMC because I want a pedia to catch my baby. Again, precious baby and all. 

No dull moment with this pregnancy, huh? 

So how does a June 12 birthday sound, Griffin? Assuming it's fengshui-approved, having a holiday for a birthday means daddy and mommy will always be available the whole day + traffic in the metro will always be light. Haha!

Dear Griffin,

You're officially 30 weeks and 1 day in Mommy's tummy, my love. I've felt you become stronger and bigger just through feeling your kicks and tumbles - once as soft as a feather and now powerful enough to make my clothes move and to make me catch my breath. I love every single minute of knowing I'm the only one in the world right now who knows your every move. 

We've started getting ready for your arrival. AhMa got you your bedside crib already and Guama got you a white noise machine that will hopefully help you go to sleep. Ahchiak will give you the stroller and car seat that Achi Fuji used. And your baby showers are being planned already too - you'll realize when you're bigger just how much fun it is to receive and open gifts. For now, your only job is to grow healthily and steadily and to please reach fullterm. 

That's it. That's really all Mommy wants for you- to be as healthy as possible. I know your environment may not be the most optimum, Griffin, because Mommy's uterus space is smaller than others and my blood may clot faster than other moms'. But hopefully you won't feel the difference much and the interventions that our doctors have done and will do end up being enough. These daily injections and all these tests are nothing- I can get through them all and more, for you. So please be healthy. 

Mommy can't wait to meet you, my love. Hopefully not before the next 7 weeks and even more hopefully in 10 weeks' time. This means you would've gotten as big as possible and have had enough time to mature your lungs. 

In the meantime, just keep growing. And keep moving. Kick, tumble, elbow... Whatever you like. Mommy doesn't mind. In fact, I love it. I often stop what I'm doing when you make those big jabs, because I want to savor your every single move. Even at just under 3 lbs., you're already the biggest force in Mommy's life and you already occupy the biggest space in my heart. Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes I get scared I just might love you so much more than I love your Daddy. Not because I don't love him enough. But because I love you at depths I never knew existed, even for your Dad who already really is the original love of my life. I literally think of you every minute of every day, and I haven't even met you yet! Isn't that amazing?

I think you're sleeping now as I haven't felt movement for a while. Sleep tight, my little big love. And grow some more. Mommy loves you. 

My baby's beautiful face.... Who looks like....

Mommy!!

And Daddy agrees! Hehehe.

We got a 3D scan right before the Easter break at In My Womb. My OB referred us there, vs the one done at the hospital, because they take their time to get the best possible shot, compared to hospitals who really focus on the medically necessary aspects instead. I'm glad we followed his advice because this place got us this beautiful full-frontal shot of my Griffin --

Love love love. 

Don't you agree he looks like me?

Spurt!

This is me now. 

Hiccups!

I woke up this morning to a weird sensation. One side of my tummy was moving softly every 1-2 seconds. This went on for about 2-3 minutes, then stopped. I realized midway that Baby Griffin was hiccuping! How adorable! I woke up his sleepyhead daddy so he can feel the little hiccupy movements. Love love love.

That's all I wanted to say. Haha!

Add this to my myriad of health concerns...

Tadaaaaa!

Baby name reveal!!

Because I want to shout it out to the world ---

Our little darling's name is:

Griffin Andrew Chan! :)

Griffin: a mythical creature that's half lion and half eagle. Means noble and brave. Inspiration for Gryffindor. My little fighter's perfect name. 

Andrew: just a name his dad thought of that will go well with his first name. Idea came to Daddy as he was brushing his teeth the morning after we found out the gender. 

:) 

Love. 

Updates: Me and the baby

We're on our 25th week by tomorrow. Last week, as scheduled, I did my second doppler, and the results were as follows:

- Because I reverted back to my daily heparin injections, the level of flow for my left uterine artery improved a little bit, though it was still sub-par.

- However, because of the length of time of the blood flow being sub-par, the middle cerebral artery showed slight elevation. The doctor's explanation for this is because the system detected that the blood flow is less than ideal, it automatically tells the arteries to prioritize the brain, hence the middle CEREBRAL artery. Is it just me or anything with the word "cerebral" is just freakout-inducing?

- Anyway, weight-gain wise, the perinatologist doing my exam initially told me that the baby's weight was coming in within normal values. It turns out that he's hitting only the 18th percentile in terms of weight. While this may be normal for most pregnancies, (1) my OB wants him to be over the average in case we need to resort to preterm delivery ; (2) we are aware of the blood flow issue, which means his current estimated weight of 636grams is really not meant to be his size at this time, if it weren't for the blood flow issue. This second point debunks the possibility that this just might be his size or that he may be a small baby, really hitting the smaller percentile. We do know that me and my husband are not particularly small people, plus, the subpar blood flow means the baby would probably weigh a lot more if he had access to more nutrients and oxygen. So it is a bit worrisome but not cause for worry --> something most doctors say to me, which I don't really understand.

Anyway, my immunologist upped my heparin dosage to 50 units per shot, daily, from 35. She also initially prescribed a steroid for me - something I took during the first trimester- that is an immuno-suppressant drug meant to essentially tell my immune system to calm the F down because the baby is NOT an invader. I already bought the pills for 2 weeks as she prescribed, when my OB (whom I saw the day after) said NO. He told me to get these progesterone shots from him every week instead of the steroids. He explained that the shots essentially isolate the immune suppression to just those that affect the baby and leave out the rest of the body. The pills, on the other hand, are like a bazooka explosion of suppressing effect, which means my entire resistance will be down. Because I'm pregnant, getting sick or catching a really bad bug is not a good idea, even with this blood flow issue. So, I followed him as usual, as he seems to be more of a thinking doctor than my immunologist is.

So there we stand, at almost 25 weeks. My next scan will be on April 1, for my 3D ultrasound, and then April 7 for my third doppler which I PRAY SHOWS ALL NORMAL RESULTS.

On the matter of the 3D ultrasound: People usually get 4D ultrasounds, but since the difference between 3 and 4D is just that the latter is in video format, I opted for 3D instead. Also, there are no medical reasons for other people to do it, but in my case, I do need to, because the immune drugs I took at the first trimester carry a risk on the baby to develop a cleft palate. This was a risk I knew about going in, and it was a smaller risk compared to the scarier prospect of my immune system triumphing over the baby, so we went ahead anyway. Since the 3D scan will be able to see the baby's face clearly, assuming he is cooperative and stays still, this would definitely allay my fears. Or inform us of procedures he may need after delivery. I am praying it is the former.

Oh, and it doesn't end there: So far, we've been monitoring the baby and the blood flow issues due to my overly enthusiastic immune system. I've been feeling exhausted lately, sometimes dizzy and lightheaded, and I would also get shortness of breath. I chalked it up to usual pregnancy symptoms as advised by Dr Google and to my asthma. It turns out, when I asked my OB about it, he looked alarmed and asked the nurse to take my BP. My BP then, even after eating a good breakfast and taking the stairs up to the 3rd floor of MMC, was only 90/50. He said this was not good at all, married with the subpar blood flow. My acupuncturist wasn't happy about it either, when I told her Saturday afternoon. She said this was a threat to me, not just the baby. And since the baby was depending on me for blood, then it was something that needed attention right away.

So not only am I supposed to up my calorie intake, I am supposed to take more salt into my system and more 'hypertension-causing' food too. Lechon, here I come!

So, definitely an exciting pregnancy, won't you say?

Last night, my mom saw me injecting my tummy with the 50mg heparin and as a result, she also saw my bruise-laden tummy. One bruise in particular was so unsightly, my mom's face fell and I think she felt sorry for me. But seriously, I do not at all feel bad for myself, despite all these things I need to do to my body to get my baby delivered safely. Nothing else matters, really. No physical pain is too painful to bear. Just that he is safe and healthy.  Sometimes, I think the worry and the anxiety is much much worse.

Please pray all goes well !!

Updates

Baby and I hit 23 weeks today! A week more to go until we're officially 6 months pregnant. Time for some updates:

1. Because of my immune issues, my immunologist asked me to do a doppler velocimetry test at Week 19. It's apparently a test that only a perinatologist (i.e. high-risk pregnancy OB) can perform  so St Lukes could only pencil me in on my 21st week. I was a bit anxious about this, as it was a good 2 weeks after the ideal time, but I had no other choice. Anyway, the test is a colored ultrasound that measures the flow of blood from and to the baby. The two uterine arteries supply blood into the umbilical artery, which reaches the baby. The ideal results is normal for all three arteries.

My results showed that while my right uterine artery was doing its job, my left one was supply blood at a sub-par level. This led to the baby coming in a bit underweight (about 453 grams VS the ideal 500 grams at the gestational age he was in). Plus, he is so far coming in at about a week and a half advanced in terms of height. Which makes his being underweight even more concerning. The weight that bones account for is higher than usual, because he's taller.

Of course, this got me worried. On one hand, I was relieved my very cautious OB insisted I still did heparin shots even though my immunologist said I could stop already at 12 weeks. Dr Manahan said he is more comfortable if I at least did every-other-day shots instead of stopping altogether. Back then, I figured, might as well follow his advice, as it's better to have been safe than sorry. Turns out, it's SUCH A GOOD DECISION because I refuse to even consider what could've happened if I did stop. The flow may not have been good at all. As it is, my baby relies more on the right side's flow, it being at 100%.

So what's the next step? My immunologist actually said to keep up my every-other-day heparin shots until my repeat doppler velocimetry on March 10th. I think her approach tends to be on the 'chill' side, because (1) she is the head of PGH-Immunology; hence, I think she carries a 'keep costs at a minimum' mindset ; (2) the majority of her patients are much more complicated cases compared to me, because she usually tells me not to worry because other people have it much harder.

My OB, on the other hand, is really more a doctor with patients that, well, for the lack of a better term, can afford to spend. He also has a belief, which I share, that it's always better to spend more on preventive care now, at the prenatal stage, and it's always more worth it compared to spending later on when the baby is out and we have issues post-natally. I agree wholeheartedly. I know that there are people with more limited means than us, and there are people who have worse immune conditions than me, but no offense, I really only care about myself and my baby as far as this pregnancy is concerned. I want to and will always do the best I can and pick the best possible option for my baby. It's got nothing to do with anyone else.

So, suffice to say, my OB said to disregard my immunologist's instructions and resume daily heparin. This way, the March 10 velocimetry test will be even more useful for us because we'll know if daily heparin gets the job done (rather than evaluate if the every-other-day should really be stopped). If the results are still sub-optimal, then I can up my dosage to twice a day. More blood flow means more nutrients, more oxygen and much better care for my baby. To Dr Manahan, the every-other-day is off the table. Minimum daily is the way to go, at the minimum.

He also told me that since my baby is a bit underweight, I have to eat WAY more than I currently do. I must admit, I have not really been eating significantly more than I did before. I know this is normal for people with normal pregnancies - you are, after all, only supposed to add a few more calories on top of your usual diet. But Dr Manahan wants me to prep (physically and mentally) for a possible preterm delivery. He says if my immune reaction gets worse (and it just might get worse because as the baby grows bigger, the bigger the signal it makes to my immune system that there is a huge invader to my body), at month 7, doctors usually deem it safer for the baby to be out of the womb than remain in it. This means that the bigger I can get my baby at month 7, the better the outcome can be for him. He also already administered the sulfactant shots to me last week -- this is the steroid typically given at month 7 if there is a risk of preterm labor. It hastens the dev't of the lungs - the last organ to develop. He says it's better to give a dose now, then see later on if my baby will benefit from a second round. This way, we give him the best shot possible at having capable lungs even if he meets the world ahead of schedule.

Doesn't this sort of approach just make you feel safer under a doctor's care? I'm really grateful I met this guy and that he's the one taking care of me and my little fighter.

2. We've settled on a name! Love love love it!!!

3. Work is boring. (haha!) But the good news is that the huge bonus that we're looking forward to is confirmed to be arriving to our bank accounts on March 10. Hooray! Such a blessing to receive this year of all years, when I am scheduled to take some months off with no pay. Thank you thank you. I am so so so grateful.

That's about it. Pray for me that my results on March 10 are normal.

:)