Missy Lim

A dear childhood friend of mine passed away yesterday at 2:30 in the afternoon. After nearly 4 long and painful years of struggle with ensephalytis.

I heard from M at about 3pm.. right when Dennis rang the bell of our house to pick me up. I didn't have time to let it sink in.. So in typical Gladys fashion, I pushed it to the back of my head and... well, denied to death.

So we watched Guess Who, and I tried desperately to immerse myself in the comedy and forget about my loss. I was vaguely successful with that... I managed to laugh at the movie... even talked to some people on the phone quite animatedly-- as if nothing happened.

Luckily, Dennis knew what had happened. My mom talked to him about it prior to us leaving the house. So, when a barkada friend of mine called to urge me to meet up with them that night, he gently proded that I should really go. It's time to be with people who share the same grief. If you don't want to cry, then don't. But I promise you'll feel better if you're surrounded by them-- the very people who knew Missy like you did, the same people you all grew up with, the same people who'd know exactly what you're going through. I think that's the only way you'll be able to sleep peacefully tonight.

He's never met any of them, except for E, who set us up. But he said all that, and even volunteered to stay with me the entire time.. so if I wanted to leave at any point because I didn't want to talk or think about her anymore, I could easily walk out and be able to go home..

He was right. As soon as we got there, I felt tremendous relief & comfort. As soon as I strolled into M's living room, we all looked at each other, with a knowing expression on our faces. We all understood what had happened-- who we lost. But thankfully, no tears were shed. She was brought up minimally, as though nobody wanted to really talk about her and, as a result, make her death real.

Which, honestly, suited me perfectly. I know I have to dwell on it sometime, but not last night. It was all too fresh, all too new... All I needed was the company of my kababata's and that's exactly what I got.

And Dennis was amazing with them. As I said, he didn't know a single soul in that house except for me (Our common friend was in the province), but he impressed me by how he chatted them up and even played mahjong with the boys. He never implied that he felt out-of-place, or that he'd rather be somewhere else. The entire time, he made me feel that I could stay as long as I want, or as long as it takes, for me to feel better. If that's not amazing, I don't know what is.

The 1st night of the wake is supposed to be today. I was told we'll be informed where the lamay was gonna be. But, here's the thing: It's Dennis' graduation night tonight. Our original plans were to have dinner with his family later, then go to a frat celebraton afterwards.

On our way home last night, though, he said: If you want to skip the frat party and go to the wake instead, then let's do that. When I protested (because, hello, it's his graduation night... an entirely happy occasion... and he'd rather go to a wake and spend the night with an ultimately depressing gang of Chinese friends?!), he said: I wouldn't be able to enjoy at the party if I knew you were somewhere else, probably crying and carrying a heavy burden. Believe me, I'd feel more at ease if I was able to at least relieve you of some pain by being with you when you need me. There's no other way I'd rather spend tomorrow than that.

So, there.. And I gotta admit, it feels good to have him with me right now. I thank the heavens that I'm not going to go through this alone, and that I have someone who's somewhat detached from the entire thing, to be able to hold me up when the grief becomes overwhelming. I need that. I know it's going to hit me like a tidal wave sooner or later.. and I'm glad I won't be by myself if ever, or rather when, that happens.

Thank you, Lord.. I guess you really know what you're doing.