a heartbreaking story

I have a friend who's been ready to be married since I'd met her two years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for 7 years now, and has been waiting so badly for him to take the plunge and propose to her already. She wanted to have kids already and was ready to settle down and give up her career to have a family.

February of this year, after much struggle with herself, she decided to sit him down and talk about their future: What's the plan? Am I part of your future, because if I'm not, tell me now and let me go.. let me go so I can be part of someone else's life. I deserve someone who'll go the distance for me.

Sadly, he replied with a feeble I'm just not ready and bargained with her to give him until the end of this year. My friend, who's loved this guy for so long that it's taken all her guts to even start that conversation, resignedly agreed. After all, what's another year after seven have already gone by? She hadn't for once questioned if his readiness is only a function of time. Or if it's the way things will always be. She loved him too much to question him further. She didn't know if she was ready for the truth. It's much easier to just wait for the other shoe to fall, whenever that may be.

Fast forward to 5 months later: Just a few days ago after a routine executive checkup, she found out that her once-very-healthy ovaries have suddenly become polycystic. And that it would be very difficult for her to concieve. It's unknown when or even if this condition would reverse itself. There is treatment available, but the outcome is not definite. Few women have come out of this situation pregnant.

After the initial shock wore off, she cried. She cried out of misery and frustration, angry at fate and angrier at herself for letting so much time pass. She was angry at fate for being so cruel-- if this is fate's way of telling her waiting for him to come around had been the wrong decision, if this is her punishment for putting someone else ahead of herself, then it's way too harsh, almost inhumane. As for her boyfriend, she couldn't even look at him straight in the eye after finding out, because a part of her blames him for his inaction. His indecision had ultimately cost her her long-standing dream of being a mom.

She looked at me with tear-strained eyes, asking me what she did wrong. She was angry at herself for putting her life on hold for a guy who may never ever be ready to be with her for the long haul. She had shelved her future to accommodate this person in her life, unwittingly throwing away her chances of ever having babies. And for what?

I realized, as I looked at her, that you can never really plan your life. Sure, you can plan your next vacation or the next color your room will be painted. But you cannot, sure as hell, plan the big things. This friend of mine enjoyed her youth to the max and scheduled when her life's milestones will happen. She got herself an MBA degree and a well-paying job to fund all her indulgences. She initially planned to get married around 25 or 26, but when her boyfriend seemed unready, she rescheduled marriage towards her late twenties. She told herself many women married late these days and, like them, she'd just start motherhood late and would still be able to catch up. Alas, she discovered, she's wrong. Heartbreakingly wrong. Her best-laid plans had failed her, as did her ovaries.

Who knew a woman's system could change at lightning speed? My friend cried buckets more as she reeled from the pain of realizing her body, as well as her entire life, wasn't totally in her control. Society has come to condition women to think that they can do whatever they want and be whomever they want to be, but really, ultimately, a higher and much stronger power is calling the shots.

My heart broke for her, as my ability to speak comforting words escaped me. What could I really say to make her feel better? She did postpone her future, but she did so because she loves this guy. Who was to know that this is the price she'll pay for that love? As for him, he's always struck me as a self-involved guy (not selfish, just self-involved).. the kind of person who has his hands full just taking care of himself. He's the kind of guy who'd never be able to make space for another person in his life, because it's taking up all his power & energy just to keep himself afloat. He's the kind of guy who's just not the marrying type. He loves her, make no mistake, but he will never be the man she needs him to be. He will not let her go, but he will not commit himself fully either. He's not evil-- just limited in that sense. And everyone has limitations. Who am I or my friend to judge?

It's not fair. And it's sad. It's too sad for words.