the big picture

You can't always get what you want, but if you try, sometimes you find, you get what you need :)

The past few days have really been a growing-up period for me. First off, I had to adjust with the revelation at work that meant I had to get out of my comfort zone and dive in head-first into an unknown area of business and try to perform as well as I possibly can. All this while juggling my other considerations and leaving behind the team that I love so dearly.

Then yesterday was a day of reckoning in terms of my personal life, specifically our expenses and how our financial outlook as a couple will be in the next few years. I crunched some numbers and had the sinking realization that I could either get the honeymoon of my dreams or keep significant cushion money (aka buffer money) for our little nest egg to grow, given that the expenses we'll have when we get married practically equal what we bring home on a net basis. I knew I had a choice-- either I push for the honeymoon I want but pay for the price of uncertainty because that amount of money could've been our safety net... or I could postpone this dream of a trip and relish the security of knowing that I have some stash of money hidden away for a rainy day. I had to weigh my options and to be honest, at the core of me, I knew what the right thing to do was. It's the bratty side of me that was adamant on being able to go where we intended to go, but the mature me already knew what I had to do. Also, when I talked to Dennis, I was also given some discoveries, such as the fact that he had actually not minded where we go for our honeymoon, it doesn't have to be NYC. He just wanted to celebrate being married to me, and he only wanted to go to NYC because he knew how much I wanted it. Even if it meant forcing the issue financially, he would do it because he knew I wanted it and he already felt like I made so many compromises by agreeing to marry him (which, for the record, is sooo untrue). He said he understands our predicament but would support me in any choice I make.

I felt so bad that I had kept my eyes solely on the goal of going to NY that I had totally forgotten about the big picture. That we are in this to build a life together, not just a measly 7 or 8 days abroad. And I realized that the dream already is right in front of me, which is the dream of building a life together with the man I love and putting up a home to house that love. Everything else is a bonus, an optional thing, gravy or the cherry on top. I already have everything I need when I have this man who's willing to do anything he can to make me happy.

So without even waiting for him to ask me again, I've decided to forego the original plans and go for our Plan B, which, I must remind myself, is not that bad and is in fact pretty cool. We've decided to go to Japan instead, and this may actually end up being as good an option as NY, because not only will we be able to indulge in our favorite food (after Chinese, of course), we'll still be able to go to a cold place (which is what Dennis loves) and we will actually be going to a place that neither of us have ever been to. The downside of our original plan of Sing + NY was that both places are not new to me. With this new plan, we get the best of both worlds- Singapore is the place mired with personal history for me, yet we also share the experience of first-time travel in Japan. I don't at all feel shortchanged that the original plans won't push through. I have to admit, I spent the better half of yesterday and today feeling like I lost a dream, but now that I've allowed reality (and maturity) to sink in, I actually feel really good about this decision. This whole thing may turn out to be a blessing through and through after all. I not only feel better because I'm being more responsible, I am actually starting to get excited :) Which is what any honeymoon should be about anyway.

So yeah, this brings me back to the first sentence that starts this post. In the process of not getting what you (originally) wanted, you may just find that you instead just got what you really really needed. And at the end of the day, you find that what you've been reaching so far out for has always been within your reach. Right by your side.

:)