Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Dreamed of it, prayed for it, planned for it, hoped for it, visualized it almost every day. Asked for it, pleaded for it to the point of begging, willing to trade God all other blessings in exchange for this one gift. Knocked on the door of chance relentlessly and get no response. Then see other people get welcomed into the fold seemingly effortlessly.
Today, I hit a different kind of low in this quest to make our dream come true. I was hit by a thought -- I wish I can find a way to want this a little bit less. I wish there was some kind of lever I can maneuver-- a knob of some sort that I can twist downward-- just to minimize this yearning a little, tiny bit. Just enough to give me some respite from the emotional turmoil. I wish I have a way to want it less, so my heart can break a little bit less as well. Unfortunately, in a thing like this, there's no halfway mark. It's either you want it or you don't. And once you want it, there's no unwanting.
My heart is just so tired. It has sustained so much bruising I fear it has changed color already. It has cried a whole river and a half. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now, I just wish there was a parking bay I can take my heart to.
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