How sweet it is to loved by you...
by you...
by you...
Friday, April 29, 2005
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
goodbye, dear friend
Said my last goodbye to my dear old friend today.
It was a hot hot day, and, as I arrived at the funeral home where the last rites were being given to my friend, I felt a wave of sadness. I'll never see her again. Never get to talk to her again. Never get to be with her again. And my heart reeled with so much sadness, I doubted for a second if I could go through this day.
Luckily, E was with me (I passed by for her on the way) and we held each other's hand in support. As we entered the room and saw our other friends, I felt relief. I wasn't going to go through this day alone. And knowing that was enough to get me through the next few hours.
We walked behind the car containing her body around the block of Araneta.. It was hard to see her little brothers doing the pushing. (There is a Chinese culture that says parents are never to send their kids to their resting places. And that the men in the family should be the ones leading the send-off.) After the walking ceremony, the body was taken back inside for a Buddhist mass. It comforted me that Missy was being sent off with love c/o incense burned by friends & family and with divine grace c/o the Buddhist prayers.
I sobbed my heart out, along with the rest of the gang.. especially when her 2 sisters didn't want to let her go. I cried because I was going to miss her and because I love her. I cried because the world is devoid now of a great sister, a fantastic daughter, a gifted student, a faithful friend and a loving person.
We then all proceeded to the temple where her ashes will be laid to rest and where, afterwards, we ate the usual misua soup. My friends and I sat on one table and talked for about 2 hours.. reminiscing about the past.. about how things used to be. We talked about the 90's, what we used to do for fun, how we were the 'in crowd' (really silly, if I think back at it now), how we became friends years and years ago, how we'd cover up for each other's little slipups and little pieces of mischief... I felt transported, like I was in a time warp... back to an era where life was much simpler, things were less complicated, relations felt as strong as steel, where lifelong bonds were first established, and where childhood was lived to the max. Granted, our cozy little Chinese world was small (heck, I got culture shock when I stepped into college), but it was our world. Built in such a way that we were fortified from the inside, without being hardened by premature exposure to harsh realities. Designed, whether consciously or otherwise, to enable us to bloom in our own culture.. to bask in the uniqueness of our heritage and to understand where we came from... to ultimately grow up proud to be who we are. You know what they say... you can take the gal out of Binondo, but you most certainly can't take Binondo out of the gal.
It felt good to laugh and to look back... to remember all those fun times, relish the good memories... For the first time since I heard the news of Missy's death, I felt proud to have been part of her life. I felt honored to have been given the time to know her, to be with her and to collect enough memories to remember her for always. After we were finished with the trip down memory lane, we went over to the Buddhist chapel, lit 3 sticks of incense each, knelt down and said a little prayer for our dear Missy. For Buddha to care for her and to make sure she knows we love her.
That last stopover at the chapel did wonders for my peace of mind. Now I know for sure that she's at peace. It won't make me miss her less, or think of her less, but at least the heaviness in my heart is gone. The poignant pain is gone. Though the empty space she left behind will always be there, there is no more bitterness at Him for taking her away. I understand now that all of our loved ones are with us 'on loan'.. that's why we should cherish them and love them while we still can. But when it's time for loan collection, the best we can do is hope (and believe) that we loved them the best way we know how. And, in some ways, that's the best way of all.
Love you, dear friend. Will miss you for always.
It was a hot hot day, and, as I arrived at the funeral home where the last rites were being given to my friend, I felt a wave of sadness. I'll never see her again. Never get to talk to her again. Never get to be with her again. And my heart reeled with so much sadness, I doubted for a second if I could go through this day.
Luckily, E was with me (I passed by for her on the way) and we held each other's hand in support. As we entered the room and saw our other friends, I felt relief. I wasn't going to go through this day alone. And knowing that was enough to get me through the next few hours.
We walked behind the car containing her body around the block of Araneta.. It was hard to see her little brothers doing the pushing. (There is a Chinese culture that says parents are never to send their kids to their resting places. And that the men in the family should be the ones leading the send-off.) After the walking ceremony, the body was taken back inside for a Buddhist mass. It comforted me that Missy was being sent off with love c/o incense burned by friends & family and with divine grace c/o the Buddhist prayers.
I sobbed my heart out, along with the rest of the gang.. especially when her 2 sisters didn't want to let her go. I cried because I was going to miss her and because I love her. I cried because the world is devoid now of a great sister, a fantastic daughter, a gifted student, a faithful friend and a loving person.
We then all proceeded to the temple where her ashes will be laid to rest and where, afterwards, we ate the usual misua soup. My friends and I sat on one table and talked for about 2 hours.. reminiscing about the past.. about how things used to be. We talked about the 90's, what we used to do for fun, how we were the 'in crowd' (really silly, if I think back at it now), how we became friends years and years ago, how we'd cover up for each other's little slipups and little pieces of mischief... I felt transported, like I was in a time warp... back to an era where life was much simpler, things were less complicated, relations felt as strong as steel, where lifelong bonds were first established, and where childhood was lived to the max. Granted, our cozy little Chinese world was small (heck, I got culture shock when I stepped into college), but it was our world. Built in such a way that we were fortified from the inside, without being hardened by premature exposure to harsh realities. Designed, whether consciously or otherwise, to enable us to bloom in our own culture.. to bask in the uniqueness of our heritage and to understand where we came from... to ultimately grow up proud to be who we are. You know what they say... you can take the gal out of Binondo, but you most certainly can't take Binondo out of the gal.
It felt good to laugh and to look back... to remember all those fun times, relish the good memories... For the first time since I heard the news of Missy's death, I felt proud to have been part of her life. I felt honored to have been given the time to know her, to be with her and to collect enough memories to remember her for always. After we were finished with the trip down memory lane, we went over to the Buddhist chapel, lit 3 sticks of incense each, knelt down and said a little prayer for our dear Missy. For Buddha to care for her and to make sure she knows we love her.
That last stopover at the chapel did wonders for my peace of mind. Now I know for sure that she's at peace. It won't make me miss her less, or think of her less, but at least the heaviness in my heart is gone. The poignant pain is gone. Though the empty space she left behind will always be there, there is no more bitterness at Him for taking her away. I understand now that all of our loved ones are with us 'on loan'.. that's why we should cherish them and love them while we still can. But when it's time for loan collection, the best we can do is hope (and believe) that we loved them the best way we know how. And, in some ways, that's the best way of all.
Love you, dear friend. Will miss you for always.
Monday, April 25, 2005
me, myself & grief
I've never ever thought I'd lose a friend this early on in life. I always thought that all my friends would grow with me through the years and we'll pass life's little hurdles & challenges together... to finally get to become all that we're meant to be. I've been blessed with talented, good-hearted friends, and I've always assumed I'll have each and every one of them with me as I go through life...
Work today was such a struggle. I tried as mighty hard as I could to keep my concentration on the tasks at hand (and Lord knows how many tasks there were)... I wanted to immerse myself knee-deep in work and forget my grief, even just for the mandatory 9-5 (or 6 or 7) work shift.. I wanted some reprieve from the intense grief that overwhelms me... but sadly, it never left my side... Like a pest, grief's shadow followed me wherever I went today... whomever I talked to... whatever I did... Every single minute, every single second of the day... Every laugh I forced out of myself was filled with heaviness and guilt. I shouldn't be laughing at all today. Nothing ever felt so fake.. so forced.
As much as I crammed all sorts of positive and comforting thoughts into my head (I know them all-- that she's at a better place right now, maybe God has a better, bigger plan for her, that at least now she's devoid of any suffering, etc. etc.), I can't help but feel frustrated. Frustrated at the fact that... I guess, at the heart of it all, I just can't bring myself to accept the truth. That she's gone. She's gone... I can't fully believe that statement even if I say them to myself repeatedly... It hasn't sunk in.. and it probably won't for some time...
Funny, after 3 years of not recovering from her illness, one would've thought that we're all prepared for this day. One would've assumed we wouldn't be surprised, that we should've readied ourselves by now. But, as I discovered, the pain is no less sharp than if it were to happen shortly after she got sick. The little stabs at the heart are no less painful... and the memories are no less fresh... Nothing could have or would have prepared me for this... To think she was so young..
And I know this next statement is so typical it's almost a cliche: But I also wondered bitterly how, among all the people in this planet, it had to be her. Of all people. E ang dami dami namang masasamang tao sa mundo. Why did it have to happen to her?! Missy was probably the nicest in our group.. the most pleasant.. never had a single enemy... She was so vibrant, so full of life, so full of dreams & potential.. She was so talented, so driven, so hopeful of the bright future ahead... and to have such a sad fate befall her.. it's just almost too much to bear.
And to people who plead and repeatedly ask for me to be okay and to accept it, I'd very much appreciate it if you'd back off a little and cut me some slack. I know I'd have to face this head-on sometime.. and I will. Just please let me do this at my own pace. Please do not force me to carry emotions or to accept things that I'm not ready for. Please do not ask me to cry and let it all hang out, because I can't... I just can't. It's not so much about denial (though at some level, I admit it is) as much as it is a matter of survival. I have responsibilities to face, especially at work. And I can't afford to 'lose it'... I can't afford to lose control... Please understand that this is mostly a matter of trying to keep sane... I'm almost at my wits' end, please don't force me to cry because, really, I'm just scared that if I start, I can't bring myself to stop.
Just please back off and let me be. You don't understand how I feel, so please just trust that I need to let everything play out on its own. Please do not rush me. I need to do this in my own time and on my own terms. They say people grieve in their own unique ways. Please do not begrudge me of mine.
Work today was such a struggle. I tried as mighty hard as I could to keep my concentration on the tasks at hand (and Lord knows how many tasks there were)... I wanted to immerse myself knee-deep in work and forget my grief, even just for the mandatory 9-5 (or 6 or 7) work shift.. I wanted some reprieve from the intense grief that overwhelms me... but sadly, it never left my side... Like a pest, grief's shadow followed me wherever I went today... whomever I talked to... whatever I did... Every single minute, every single second of the day... Every laugh I forced out of myself was filled with heaviness and guilt. I shouldn't be laughing at all today. Nothing ever felt so fake.. so forced.
As much as I crammed all sorts of positive and comforting thoughts into my head (I know them all-- that she's at a better place right now, maybe God has a better, bigger plan for her, that at least now she's devoid of any suffering, etc. etc.), I can't help but feel frustrated. Frustrated at the fact that... I guess, at the heart of it all, I just can't bring myself to accept the truth. That she's gone. She's gone... I can't fully believe that statement even if I say them to myself repeatedly... It hasn't sunk in.. and it probably won't for some time...
Funny, after 3 years of not recovering from her illness, one would've thought that we're all prepared for this day. One would've assumed we wouldn't be surprised, that we should've readied ourselves by now. But, as I discovered, the pain is no less sharp than if it were to happen shortly after she got sick. The little stabs at the heart are no less painful... and the memories are no less fresh... Nothing could have or would have prepared me for this... To think she was so young..
And I know this next statement is so typical it's almost a cliche: But I also wondered bitterly how, among all the people in this planet, it had to be her. Of all people. E ang dami dami namang masasamang tao sa mundo. Why did it have to happen to her?! Missy was probably the nicest in our group.. the most pleasant.. never had a single enemy... She was so vibrant, so full of life, so full of dreams & potential.. She was so talented, so driven, so hopeful of the bright future ahead... and to have such a sad fate befall her.. it's just almost too much to bear.
And to people who plead and repeatedly ask for me to be okay and to accept it, I'd very much appreciate it if you'd back off a little and cut me some slack. I know I'd have to face this head-on sometime.. and I will. Just please let me do this at my own pace. Please do not force me to carry emotions or to accept things that I'm not ready for. Please do not ask me to cry and let it all hang out, because I can't... I just can't. It's not so much about denial (though at some level, I admit it is) as much as it is a matter of survival. I have responsibilities to face, especially at work. And I can't afford to 'lose it'... I can't afford to lose control... Please understand that this is mostly a matter of trying to keep sane... I'm almost at my wits' end, please don't force me to cry because, really, I'm just scared that if I start, I can't bring myself to stop.
Just please back off and let me be. You don't understand how I feel, so please just trust that I need to let everything play out on its own. Please do not rush me. I need to do this in my own time and on my own terms. They say people grieve in their own unique ways. Please do not begrudge me of mine.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Missy Lim
A dear childhood friend of mine passed away yesterday at 2:30 in the afternoon. After nearly 4 long and painful years of struggle with ensephalytis.
I heard from M at about 3pm.. right when Dennis rang the bell of our house to pick me up. I didn't have time to let it sink in.. So in typical Gladys fashion, I pushed it to the back of my head and... well, denied to death.
So we watched Guess Who, and I tried desperately to immerse myself in the comedy and forget about my loss. I was vaguely successful with that... I managed to laugh at the movie... even talked to some people on the phone quite animatedly-- as if nothing happened.
Luckily, Dennis knew what had happened. My mom talked to him about it prior to us leaving the house. So, when a barkada friend of mine called to urge me to meet up with them that night, he gently proded that I should really go. It's time to be with people who share the same grief. If you don't want to cry, then don't. But I promise you'll feel better if you're surrounded by them-- the very people who knew Missy like you did, the same people you all grew up with, the same people who'd know exactly what you're going through. I think that's the only way you'll be able to sleep peacefully tonight.
He's never met any of them, except for E, who set us up. But he said all that, and even volunteered to stay with me the entire time.. so if I wanted to leave at any point because I didn't want to talk or think about her anymore, I could easily walk out and be able to go home..
He was right. As soon as we got there, I felt tremendous relief & comfort. As soon as I strolled into M's living room, we all looked at each other, with a knowing expression on our faces. We all understood what had happened-- who we lost. But thankfully, no tears were shed. She was brought up minimally, as though nobody wanted to really talk about her and, as a result, make her death real.
Which, honestly, suited me perfectly. I know I have to dwell on it sometime, but not last night. It was all too fresh, all too new... All I needed was the company of my kababata's and that's exactly what I got.
And Dennis was amazing with them. As I said, he didn't know a single soul in that house except for me (Our common friend was in the province), but he impressed me by how he chatted them up and even played mahjong with the boys. He never implied that he felt out-of-place, or that he'd rather be somewhere else. The entire time, he made me feel that I could stay as long as I want, or as long as it takes, for me to feel better. If that's not amazing, I don't know what is.
The 1st night of the wake is supposed to be today. I was told we'll be informed where the lamay was gonna be. But, here's the thing: It's Dennis' graduation night tonight. Our original plans were to have dinner with his family later, then go to a frat celebraton afterwards.
On our way home last night, though, he said: If you want to skip the frat party and go to the wake instead, then let's do that. When I protested (because, hello, it's his graduation night... an entirely happy occasion... and he'd rather go to a wake and spend the night with an ultimately depressing gang of Chinese friends?!), he said: I wouldn't be able to enjoy at the party if I knew you were somewhere else, probably crying and carrying a heavy burden. Believe me, I'd feel more at ease if I was able to at least relieve you of some pain by being with you when you need me. There's no other way I'd rather spend tomorrow than that.
So, there.. And I gotta admit, it feels good to have him with me right now. I thank the heavens that I'm not going to go through this alone, and that I have someone who's somewhat detached from the entire thing, to be able to hold me up when the grief becomes overwhelming. I need that. I know it's going to hit me like a tidal wave sooner or later.. and I'm glad I won't be by myself if ever, or rather when, that happens.
Thank you, Lord.. I guess you really know what you're doing.
I heard from M at about 3pm.. right when Dennis rang the bell of our house to pick me up. I didn't have time to let it sink in.. So in typical Gladys fashion, I pushed it to the back of my head and... well, denied to death.
So we watched Guess Who, and I tried desperately to immerse myself in the comedy and forget about my loss. I was vaguely successful with that... I managed to laugh at the movie... even talked to some people on the phone quite animatedly-- as if nothing happened.
Luckily, Dennis knew what had happened. My mom talked to him about it prior to us leaving the house. So, when a barkada friend of mine called to urge me to meet up with them that night, he gently proded that I should really go. It's time to be with people who share the same grief. If you don't want to cry, then don't. But I promise you'll feel better if you're surrounded by them-- the very people who knew Missy like you did, the same people you all grew up with, the same people who'd know exactly what you're going through. I think that's the only way you'll be able to sleep peacefully tonight.
He's never met any of them, except for E, who set us up. But he said all that, and even volunteered to stay with me the entire time.. so if I wanted to leave at any point because I didn't want to talk or think about her anymore, I could easily walk out and be able to go home..
He was right. As soon as we got there, I felt tremendous relief & comfort. As soon as I strolled into M's living room, we all looked at each other, with a knowing expression on our faces. We all understood what had happened-- who we lost. But thankfully, no tears were shed. She was brought up minimally, as though nobody wanted to really talk about her and, as a result, make her death real.
Which, honestly, suited me perfectly. I know I have to dwell on it sometime, but not last night. It was all too fresh, all too new... All I needed was the company of my kababata's and that's exactly what I got.
And Dennis was amazing with them. As I said, he didn't know a single soul in that house except for me (Our common friend was in the province), but he impressed me by how he chatted them up and even played mahjong with the boys. He never implied that he felt out-of-place, or that he'd rather be somewhere else. The entire time, he made me feel that I could stay as long as I want, or as long as it takes, for me to feel better. If that's not amazing, I don't know what is.
The 1st night of the wake is supposed to be today. I was told we'll be informed where the lamay was gonna be. But, here's the thing: It's Dennis' graduation night tonight. Our original plans were to have dinner with his family later, then go to a frat celebraton afterwards.
On our way home last night, though, he said: If you want to skip the frat party and go to the wake instead, then let's do that. When I protested (because, hello, it's his graduation night... an entirely happy occasion... and he'd rather go to a wake and spend the night with an ultimately depressing gang of Chinese friends?!), he said: I wouldn't be able to enjoy at the party if I knew you were somewhere else, probably crying and carrying a heavy burden. Believe me, I'd feel more at ease if I was able to at least relieve you of some pain by being with you when you need me. There's no other way I'd rather spend tomorrow than that.
So, there.. And I gotta admit, it feels good to have him with me right now. I thank the heavens that I'm not going to go through this alone, and that I have someone who's somewhat detached from the entire thing, to be able to hold me up when the grief becomes overwhelming. I need that. I know it's going to hit me like a tidal wave sooner or later.. and I'm glad I won't be by myself if ever, or rather when, that happens.
Thank you, Lord.. I guess you really know what you're doing.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
malala na ito...
I just got my new cellphone today, which I've been waiting (and saving up) for for a long time... But because of this.... wretched little issue... I can't even bring up the proper level of excitement for this new toy.
Shit. Malala....
Shit. Malala....
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
gray area
Ok, it all began with an innocent story you started. It opened a topic that I had always wondered about... so I took a chance and threw the question in the air...
Woah! I discovered that the answer wasn't what I had hoped. Or was even prepared to hear.
Oh, dear Lord, I wish I didn't have to ask, so I didn't have to know. Now it's just.. unsettling... Bothersome. Nags at my mind. But as much as I wish I can go and take that question back.... what's done is done. What's heard has been heard. Now my heart just can't rest. Can't rest.
Ah, what the hell... In all likelihood, it's nothing to even obsess over. It might really be nothing. But the fact that it was unrefuted, undenied... that's just really unsettling. And I hate it. Esp since it was * that even linked us together in the first place. It's just, well, ironic, I guess.
I hate gray areas. I hate being uncertain about something... rather, someone that I care about. It was hard not to react to what you said earlier, but I hope I achieve some level of success with that. The last thing I want is for you to know how affected I was. Because I was. Really. More than I ever ever ever want to let on.
Shit. Such a great day ended so..... bad. =(
Woah! I discovered that the answer wasn't what I had hoped. Or was even prepared to hear.
Oh, dear Lord, I wish I didn't have to ask, so I didn't have to know. Now it's just.. unsettling... Bothersome. Nags at my mind. But as much as I wish I can go and take that question back.... what's done is done. What's heard has been heard. Now my heart just can't rest. Can't rest.
Ah, what the hell... In all likelihood, it's nothing to even obsess over. It might really be nothing. But the fact that it was unrefuted, undenied... that's just really unsettling. And I hate it. Esp since it was * that even linked us together in the first place. It's just, well, ironic, I guess.
I hate gray areas. I hate being uncertain about something... rather, someone that I care about. It was hard not to react to what you said earlier, but I hope I achieve some level of success with that. The last thing I want is for you to know how affected I was. Because I was. Really. More than I ever ever ever want to let on.
Shit. Such a great day ended so..... bad. =(
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
yay!
My little bro made it to 5th year! Yay!
Congratulations!! I'm so proud of you, little bro (who's actually taller and bigger than me).
Congratulations!! I'm so proud of you, little bro (who's actually taller and bigger than me).
Sunday, April 17, 2005
=D
There's nothing like spending a ride home belting out the lyrics "I would give anything I own... Give up my life, my heart, my home... I would give everything I own... Just to have you back again... Just to touch you... once again..."
As I told Vic earlier, he just... cracks me up! Whenever we're together, it's just so... spontaneous, goofy, silly.... It's just so much fun, you can't help but look forward to next time.
That's all I'll share as of now =D
As I told Vic earlier, he just... cracks me up! Whenever we're together, it's just so... spontaneous, goofy, silly.... It's just so much fun, you can't help but look forward to next time.
That's all I'll share as of now =D
Thursday, April 14, 2005
quake scare
Whispered 'did-you-know''s about the supposedly-predicted earthquake turned into anxious 'let's-go-down-and-save-ourselves' talk around mid-afternoon today, leading to an 'earthquake scare' right smack in Citibank Square at about 5pm.
Here's a backgrounder: Supposedly, the psychic that predicted the Tsunami disaster warned that there was going to be an earthquake today at about 5 in the afternoon that would devastate Manila, especially Quezon City. Given that Eastwood lies squarely on a fault line, some people started circulating worried words of warning all throughout the office. Some immediately moved their previously-scheduled meetings to Figaro (which is right across) or Starbucks or Coffee Bean (which are a good trek away from our office). Some just scheduled their coffee breaks at 5pm, so they could casually walk out under the guise of 'taking a break' and effectively, save themselves.
Some, like me, hadn't wanted to be part of the dubious hearsays.. but by the time 4:38 to 4:40pm rolled out, people on our floor stood up and started walking out. A mass coffee break.
Why would I stay and be the only 1 on the floor? If people are deserting their work stations, why should I stay? So I went with them-- the whole time protesting that this was foolish and quite frankly a waste of time.
But when I saw the volume of people, from other departments, leaving the building, I couldn't help but feel worried myself. Oh my gosh, is this really going to happen!? What should I do?! I search my brain for emails about what to do during a quake. The search came out empty. We started debating-- what does the 'triangle of life' really cover? What if you're outside and the building ends up falling on you?
Even funnier is our choice of 'evacuation center'.
McDonald's.
Hahahaha! When I saw where we were headed, I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, hello?! First of all, McDonald's is surrounded by high-rise apartments on one side, and a row of restaurants on the other. Do they really think that's a safe place to seek refuge?
It gets funnier. When I got to the counter to place my order, the lady cashier goes, "Ma'am, bakit po kayo nandito, d nyo po ba alam lilindol daw?" I just laughed and replied, "E at least busog ako kung lumindol."
Well, as you all know now, nothing happened. This is what happens when a bunch of people believe a hoax and start spreading it to people who also fall for it. Haha! Well, at least we all got a coffee break (or McDo break in my case) out of it. :)
Here's a backgrounder: Supposedly, the psychic that predicted the Tsunami disaster warned that there was going to be an earthquake today at about 5 in the afternoon that would devastate Manila, especially Quezon City. Given that Eastwood lies squarely on a fault line, some people started circulating worried words of warning all throughout the office. Some immediately moved their previously-scheduled meetings to Figaro (which is right across) or Starbucks or Coffee Bean (which are a good trek away from our office). Some just scheduled their coffee breaks at 5pm, so they could casually walk out under the guise of 'taking a break' and effectively, save themselves.
Some, like me, hadn't wanted to be part of the dubious hearsays.. but by the time 4:38 to 4:40pm rolled out, people on our floor stood up and started walking out. A mass coffee break.
Why would I stay and be the only 1 on the floor? If people are deserting their work stations, why should I stay? So I went with them-- the whole time protesting that this was foolish and quite frankly a waste of time.
But when I saw the volume of people, from other departments, leaving the building, I couldn't help but feel worried myself. Oh my gosh, is this really going to happen!? What should I do?! I search my brain for emails about what to do during a quake. The search came out empty. We started debating-- what does the 'triangle of life' really cover? What if you're outside and the building ends up falling on you?
Even funnier is our choice of 'evacuation center'.
McDonald's.
Hahahaha! When I saw where we were headed, I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, hello?! First of all, McDonald's is surrounded by high-rise apartments on one side, and a row of restaurants on the other. Do they really think that's a safe place to seek refuge?
It gets funnier. When I got to the counter to place my order, the lady cashier goes, "Ma'am, bakit po kayo nandito, d nyo po ba alam lilindol daw?" I just laughed and replied, "E at least busog ako kung lumindol."
Well, as you all know now, nothing happened. This is what happens when a bunch of people believe a hoax and start spreading it to people who also fall for it. Haha! Well, at least we all got a coffee break (or McDo break in my case) out of it. :)
musings in the middle of OT
I was doing OT last night to rush something (as always) so it can be launched this month. In the middle of my busybee moments, part of my mind was off at lala-land and thinking about something else:
Funny how, no matter how well you plan out your life, it never quite works out the way you planned. I don't know if it's because you've changed from the time you made your plans-- meaning, your priorities and views of life may have evolved already while your plans are still the same as they were x number of years ago. Or it may be because in the course of living your life, some of your plans begin to seem unrealistic, questionable, or simply inappropriate. Does not apply. That may be what leads you to go to a direction opposite from what you initially designed.
Recently, I got something that I had previously thought was all I ever wanted to achieve this year (yez, now everyone knows that I'm so compulsive, every top of the year, I try to visualize the things I'll do in the course of it) (Oh well, if you're my friend, this wouldn't be a surprise for you anyway!) At first, I was excited and (quite honestly) jumping for joy. It was going to be a lifestyle change. Heck, it was going to be a relocation! But it was something I've been wanting so long that the fact that it was almost within arm's reach was such a high!
And this dream is something I've closely associated with myself for a long time. People I met in high school and college almost-always associated this kind of thing with me. Those that I told didn't seem to be surprised that I got it. It just seemed "so you", as they said.
But now that it's had the opportunity to sink in, to be digested in my system... I suddenly realize...
I don't think I want it anymore.
I don't mean to sound like a kid. This is not about just wanting something because I don't have it, then discarding it once I do get it. It's just that...
I don't think it fits the mold I call my life anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know if it ever really fit. I might just be projecting a space in my life for it, just so I can allow myself to keep wanting it. Another thing is: A friend of mine is in the exact position that I had thought I wanted to be in. And the way we both used to be... you'd think we were twins! (Oh, coincidentally, it's her birthday today!) We seemed to identify the same goals in life, and seemed to possess the same level of drive to acheive them. But now, I'm just not sure if I'm still that same person.. All I know is, I don't think it's quite for me anymore.
So what now?! I don't know! My Year 2005 planning in January was especially designed to avoid such situations. I always admired people who knew exactly what they wanted, because I always felt that my views of the future seemed to conflict each other at times. I may just be wanting too many things, granted. But darn it, I just want to figure it all out! I don't like being uncertain of things. I don't like being caught up in the midst of emotions and taking a jump without being sure. Most of all, I don't like the idea of casting aside opportunities, esp the ones I worked so hard just to create for myself..
@_@ Anyway... back to another day of slaving away.
Funny how, no matter how well you plan out your life, it never quite works out the way you planned. I don't know if it's because you've changed from the time you made your plans-- meaning, your priorities and views of life may have evolved already while your plans are still the same as they were x number of years ago. Or it may be because in the course of living your life, some of your plans begin to seem unrealistic, questionable, or simply inappropriate. Does not apply. That may be what leads you to go to a direction opposite from what you initially designed.
Recently, I got something that I had previously thought was all I ever wanted to achieve this year (yez, now everyone knows that I'm so compulsive, every top of the year, I try to visualize the things I'll do in the course of it) (Oh well, if you're my friend, this wouldn't be a surprise for you anyway!) At first, I was excited and (quite honestly) jumping for joy. It was going to be a lifestyle change. Heck, it was going to be a relocation! But it was something I've been wanting so long that the fact that it was almost within arm's reach was such a high!
And this dream is something I've closely associated with myself for a long time. People I met in high school and college almost-always associated this kind of thing with me. Those that I told didn't seem to be surprised that I got it. It just seemed "so you", as they said.
But now that it's had the opportunity to sink in, to be digested in my system... I suddenly realize...
I don't think I want it anymore.
I don't mean to sound like a kid. This is not about just wanting something because I don't have it, then discarding it once I do get it. It's just that...
I don't think it fits the mold I call my life anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know if it ever really fit. I might just be projecting a space in my life for it, just so I can allow myself to keep wanting it. Another thing is: A friend of mine is in the exact position that I had thought I wanted to be in. And the way we both used to be... you'd think we were twins! (Oh, coincidentally, it's her birthday today!) We seemed to identify the same goals in life, and seemed to possess the same level of drive to acheive them. But now, I'm just not sure if I'm still that same person.. All I know is, I don't think it's quite for me anymore.
So what now?! I don't know! My Year 2005 planning in January was especially designed to avoid such situations. I always admired people who knew exactly what they wanted, because I always felt that my views of the future seemed to conflict each other at times. I may just be wanting too many things, granted. But darn it, I just want to figure it all out! I don't like being uncertain of things. I don't like being caught up in the midst of emotions and taking a jump without being sure. Most of all, I don't like the idea of casting aside opportunities, esp the ones I worked so hard just to create for myself..
@_@ Anyway... back to another day of slaving away.
Sunday, April 10, 2005
meet the co's; meet the friends
I don't know what is it about this guy, but we can't seem to go out purely at night. He doesn't seem to want to pick me up after sundown. All our previous dates were the same-- whenever we're together, we don't spend less than 8 hours together. I don't know if that's a sign of anything but it's just interesting to point out.
Anyway, when he got here yesterday, he already knew what was on the agenda. Meet my grandma and my dad. He had already met my mom before, and with the enthusiasm that my mom showed, I could see he was greatly reassured that my parents ain't some shotgun-toting pair. (Haha, such a leap of faith-- he hasn't even met my dad at this point).
Aba, in standard Dennis fashion, when he got here, he brought flowers. Not for me. For my grandma. As Guia would say, matinik at marunong!
So I showed him inside and almost as soon as the front door swang open, the troops came down one by one. My mom first, then my grandma, then my dad, then my brother. Dennis made mano to my grandma and gave her the flowers. Aba, sold na si lola! She coyly said thanks and that he shouldn't have.
And so we all sat down.
Then my cellphone rang. It's KQ! I missed her so much that I picked up the phone and took the call in the next room. I thought kasi it wouldn't take long. Turns out when I got back, they were already eating and the conversation was in full swing. Dennis looked so nervous though, so I felt guilty about leaving him there for the Co's to scrutinize.
My dad didn't say anything, by the way. He just sorta sat there and looked at him. Haha! Dennis asked me afterwards if my dad was mad at him. I told him my dad is usually shy around friends of his kids, and even more quiet around guys that come over. But at least he wasn't shooting him bad looks, so that's a good sign.
(By the way, I got affirmation that my dad likes him, because he asked me if Dennis wanted to come along to our family dinner later)
So, after a few more minutes, I put him out of his misery and made paalam for both of us to go ahead. Even if it's 4 in the afternoon, we were "gonna be late" for our plans.
So my lola walked us out of the gate. I was walking ahead; she and Dennis were falling behind, because my lola had taken both his hands, held them in hers... while the convo went like this:
(in Chinese)
Lola: You seem like such a good boy. You can always come back ah. This house is open for you all the time.
Dennis: Yes, lola, next weekend, I'll be back :)
Lola: Basta, you really love my granddaughter and basta, you're decidido. Ok ka na kay lola! Just be sure you take care of my apo. Nag-iisa lang yang princesa dito, basta you love her, okay na.
Oh my gohd! I was horrified! I went back, dragged Dennis out and said, "bye, lola!" before she could say anything more. My gohd! I don't want him thinking I planned this out and had my lola drop those hideous lines! I still get goosebumps thinking about it.
When we got to the car, I told him nonchalantly, "Don't take my lola seriously; sometimes she's hallucinating ng gising."
Then he goes, "Why not? Totoo naman sinabi niya."
After that, we went around Rustan's to look for swimsuits for Boracay. Then, we had halo-halo (aaah, sarap!) and then went to Seaside for dinner with his friends.
I don't know how many of my friends have been there, but it's surprisingly good! Well, you have to discount the smell ( shempre, palengke nga eh)and the wet grounds (again, shempre, palengke nga eh) and the not-so-clean environment. But the dining area is nice and clean, airconditioned and air-freshened.
The food was so gooooood! The seafood was fresh and the food was bagong luto- I think I had 5 helpings of crab and salmon and squid. Yum yum!
His friends were cool-- nice and kuwela. One reminds me of Smokey Manoloto- he's so kalog he's practically bouncing off the wall! Haha! Funny! :) One of them (the girl) asked pointblank kung kami na. Muntik akong masamid. I swear, sometimes, girls can't keep questions to themselves =p
After that, we headed to Greenbelt to watch The Pacifier and then that was it.
'Twas such a full day-- this is what we get for going out waaay too early in the day and coming home late. I still can't get over what my grandma said.. but hey, I have to act all cool about it, lest he thinks I had something to do with it talaga. =P
Anyway, when he got here yesterday, he already knew what was on the agenda. Meet my grandma and my dad. He had already met my mom before, and with the enthusiasm that my mom showed, I could see he was greatly reassured that my parents ain't some shotgun-toting pair. (Haha, such a leap of faith-- he hasn't even met my dad at this point).
Aba, in standard Dennis fashion, when he got here, he brought flowers. Not for me. For my grandma. As Guia would say, matinik at marunong!
So I showed him inside and almost as soon as the front door swang open, the troops came down one by one. My mom first, then my grandma, then my dad, then my brother. Dennis made mano to my grandma and gave her the flowers. Aba, sold na si lola! She coyly said thanks and that he shouldn't have.
And so we all sat down.
Then my cellphone rang. It's KQ! I missed her so much that I picked up the phone and took the call in the next room. I thought kasi it wouldn't take long. Turns out when I got back, they were already eating and the conversation was in full swing. Dennis looked so nervous though, so I felt guilty about leaving him there for the Co's to scrutinize.
My dad didn't say anything, by the way. He just sorta sat there and looked at him. Haha! Dennis asked me afterwards if my dad was mad at him. I told him my dad is usually shy around friends of his kids, and even more quiet around guys that come over. But at least he wasn't shooting him bad looks, so that's a good sign.
(By the way, I got affirmation that my dad likes him, because he asked me if Dennis wanted to come along to our family dinner later)
So, after a few more minutes, I put him out of his misery and made paalam for both of us to go ahead. Even if it's 4 in the afternoon, we were "gonna be late" for our plans.
So my lola walked us out of the gate. I was walking ahead; she and Dennis were falling behind, because my lola had taken both his hands, held them in hers... while the convo went like this:
(in Chinese)
Lola: You seem like such a good boy. You can always come back ah. This house is open for you all the time.
Dennis: Yes, lola, next weekend, I'll be back :)
Lola: Basta, you really love my granddaughter and basta, you're decidido. Ok ka na kay lola! Just be sure you take care of my apo. Nag-iisa lang yang princesa dito, basta you love her, okay na.
Oh my gohd! I was horrified! I went back, dragged Dennis out and said, "bye, lola!" before she could say anything more. My gohd! I don't want him thinking I planned this out and had my lola drop those hideous lines! I still get goosebumps thinking about it.
When we got to the car, I told him nonchalantly, "Don't take my lola seriously; sometimes she's hallucinating ng gising."
Then he goes, "Why not? Totoo naman sinabi niya."
After that, we went around Rustan's to look for swimsuits for Boracay. Then, we had halo-halo (aaah, sarap!) and then went to Seaside for dinner with his friends.
I don't know how many of my friends have been there, but it's surprisingly good! Well, you have to discount the smell ( shempre, palengke nga eh)and the wet grounds (again, shempre, palengke nga eh) and the not-so-clean environment. But the dining area is nice and clean, airconditioned and air-freshened.
The food was so gooooood! The seafood was fresh and the food was bagong luto- I think I had 5 helpings of crab and salmon and squid. Yum yum!
His friends were cool-- nice and kuwela. One reminds me of Smokey Manoloto- he's so kalog he's practically bouncing off the wall! Haha! Funny! :) One of them (the girl) asked pointblank kung kami na. Muntik akong masamid. I swear, sometimes, girls can't keep questions to themselves =p
After that, we headed to Greenbelt to watch The Pacifier and then that was it.
'Twas such a full day-- this is what we get for going out waaay too early in the day and coming home late. I still can't get over what my grandma said.. but hey, I have to act all cool about it, lest he thinks I had something to do with it talaga. =P
Friday, April 08, 2005
new toy
Got myself an mp3 player today. It's cheap lang and I've been meaning to get one... And it's worth the price, especially considering the memory capacity. It looks nice pa, and small enough to carry anywhere..
Ok, ok, I'll stop rationalizing. I had a rather pricey lunch and got pa a manicure and pedicure today, and did some shopping the other day. I got 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of capris. I saw a pair of black heels I wanted, but fortunately, was able to restrain myself.
Hay. I should really start living well within my means. This does not mean saving just enough so my net-net status is not negative. I mean honest-to-goodness, well-above-the-minimum saving. Saving 5% of my pay isn't exactly gonna make me a millionaire by the time I hit 30!
I aim to be able to save at least 40% of my salary every month-- and put this on a high-yield account. How else can I finance my 2-trips-a-year "live it up" dream-lifestyle?! @_@
So many dreams, so little moolah.
Ok, ok, I'll stop rationalizing. I had a rather pricey lunch and got pa a manicure and pedicure today, and did some shopping the other day. I got 2 pairs of jeans and a pair of capris. I saw a pair of black heels I wanted, but fortunately, was able to restrain myself.
Hay. I should really start living well within my means. This does not mean saving just enough so my net-net status is not negative. I mean honest-to-goodness, well-above-the-minimum saving. Saving 5% of my pay isn't exactly gonna make me a millionaire by the time I hit 30!
I aim to be able to save at least 40% of my salary every month-- and put this on a high-yield account. How else can I finance my 2-trips-a-year "live it up" dream-lifestyle?! @_@
So many dreams, so little moolah.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
stakeholders
Didn't realize how many stakeholders my love life has. This thought struck me sometime between 2-3pm today at the office. The following have voluntary emotional stake in the success (or sometimes just mere movement) of my love life:
1. My Family: Especially my parents and my grandma. They can't wait for me to finally end up with somebody suitable. "Suitable" of course, has its own special context in my case (which I'm not about to get into right now).
2. My Friends: For obvious reasons. Especially my FILC girls. I love them.
3. Mon: My boss called me over this afternoon only to talk about him. After I made a summary of what's happened so far, Mon goes, "I have to have lunch with this guy before anything official happens, okay? My sisters don't date guys I don't pre-approve, so the same thing goes for you. You hear?!" I couldn't help but laugh! His eyes widen and he says, "I'm serious."
4. Eps & Jinjin: I love these two women. They take turns giving me little bits of advice, share the same kilig expressions when I make kuwento, and make sermon whenever they hear about my late-night phone conversations (it's bad for the skin daw and it affects my concentration at work). Haha! Actually, Jinjin even sat me down and talked to me seriously about the real criteria to use when making decisions about love. Being Chinese, she understands the situation I'm in, as well as the cultural rules that we are bound to as decendants of the Tsinoys. I'll write about it next time, when I'm in the mood... It's quite a list eh.
5. Dane, Karen, Van & Dang: My office barkada. Though Karen left already, she is as involved as the other 3.
And I love this because I get perspectives from so many different viewpoints.. and best of all, I see joy & excitement in so many eyes whenever a new development arises. I love how everyone (especially Mon) goes overprotective whenever they see my eyes gloss over due to kilig overabundance, because he doesn't want anyone hurting me. I love how they 'follow-up' on the status, as if it's some major project. And I love how they all wanna meet the guy and believe that he's as lucky as hell, and should he not be aware of that fact, they're gonna make damn sure he knows it (especially... who else, Mon!) Haha! He's even invited to Dang's wedding at the end of the month, can you believe?! Haha! Imagine the scrunity the poor guy's gonna get, with all these Citibankers watching his every move.
Haha! It's nice to have so many people care. I love having them all in my life :)
1. My Family: Especially my parents and my grandma. They can't wait for me to finally end up with somebody suitable. "Suitable" of course, has its own special context in my case (which I'm not about to get into right now).
2. My Friends: For obvious reasons. Especially my FILC girls. I love them.
3. Mon: My boss called me over this afternoon only to talk about him. After I made a summary of what's happened so far, Mon goes, "I have to have lunch with this guy before anything official happens, okay? My sisters don't date guys I don't pre-approve, so the same thing goes for you. You hear?!" I couldn't help but laugh! His eyes widen and he says, "I'm serious."
4. Eps & Jinjin: I love these two women. They take turns giving me little bits of advice, share the same kilig expressions when I make kuwento, and make sermon whenever they hear about my late-night phone conversations (it's bad for the skin daw and it affects my concentration at work). Haha! Actually, Jinjin even sat me down and talked to me seriously about the real criteria to use when making decisions about love. Being Chinese, she understands the situation I'm in, as well as the cultural rules that we are bound to as decendants of the Tsinoys. I'll write about it next time, when I'm in the mood... It's quite a list eh.
5. Dane, Karen, Van & Dang: My office barkada. Though Karen left already, she is as involved as the other 3.
And I love this because I get perspectives from so many different viewpoints.. and best of all, I see joy & excitement in so many eyes whenever a new development arises. I love how everyone (especially Mon) goes overprotective whenever they see my eyes gloss over due to kilig overabundance, because he doesn't want anyone hurting me. I love how they 'follow-up' on the status, as if it's some major project. And I love how they all wanna meet the guy and believe that he's as lucky as hell, and should he not be aware of that fact, they're gonna make damn sure he knows it (especially... who else, Mon!) Haha! He's even invited to Dang's wedding at the end of the month, can you believe?! Haha! Imagine the scrunity the poor guy's gonna get, with all these Citibankers watching his every move.
Haha! It's nice to have so many people care. I love having them all in my life :)
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