Doesn’t it stink that no matter how progressive our society claims to have become, the most basic and most primal of human relationships still remains where it was ages ago? Granted, it’s not exactly as bad as it once was—I mean, these days, girls are no longer bartered off at the market like a piece of meat, nor are they forced to bind their feet in an effort to be deemed beautiful. Girls are no longer treated as second-class citizens—in fact, I dare say there’s now a growing % of parents who reckon having female children is as good as having sons.
But, this weekend made me realize the baby steps the people in my culture have actually taken towards progressive thinking—especially (oh, dear lord, especially..) in the topic of marriage.
Imagine, my boyfriend is just starting out to be a lawyer—a baby, really, in his chosen field, for the results of his regulatory exams have yet to be unveiled next month. He’s merely a fledgling in his profession, and already, my family expects to receive some sort of sign that he is serious about me. Take note that, in this culture, being serious is something that can only be proven by a ring. And a dowry. Love and affection, trust and respect—you know, those things that make a relationship work-- don’t count unless you’ve got the rock to show for it.
Their argument: We’ve been dating for almost a year. I am, in their terms, nearing my ‘expiration date’ – an invisible, yet unbelievably palpable, date whereby an unwedded me is officially a cast-off, whom no man in his right mind or ripe age will ever marry, and therefore a forever burden to my family. He, on the other hand, is ‘mature enough to take a wife’—meaning he’s reached the age respectable enough to marry. Upon being bestowed his official title as lawyer, he’s got no other excuse for not offering his hand. Unless, of course, yours truly is not the one he wants.
Hence, they deem themselves reasonable in expecting something to happen—if not now, then in the foreseeable future (read: within 2006). If not, then it’s better that I keep my eyes open and myself available for other ‘takers’—as if I were an item being auctioned off to the public. It’s better, they say, to scope out other options than put all your eggs in one basket, only to realize later on that your chosen one will not choose you for the long haul.
How cruel this fate—they say. Imagine giving the best years of your life betting on a relationship that won’t be yours forever anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with this—in fact, this is also a fear of mine. What I detest about this line of thinking, though, is the pressure they keep laying on—and laying on thick—when, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not something to even think about at this point. I’m not ready to get married, so is he. I know he loves me enough to marry me, but he’s just not settled enough in his field to risk it. I know I love him enough to marry him, but I’m just not yet done with all that I want to achieve as a single person. We’re both not ready, which is not to be confused with not willing. These aren’t excuses or alibis for not getting married. They’re reasons. Legitimate ones.
I guess they think that way because they don’t know what we—the two of us—talk about privately. They don’t hear about the plans we have, the dreams for the future, the vague picture we have in our heads of how our life together will look. I don’t fault them for it, because, after all, how on earth can they possibly know? However, I am very tempted to fault them for thinking there’s no such plan. For assuming that we’re a couple of foolish kids who don’t think about the future, who don’t weigh the possibilities, who don’t look out for ourselves. It’s annoying to be put in that position—to have other people in your life make decisions for you just because they don’t think you’re mature enough or you know enough about the world to navigate your way through life. It’s irritating, because not only does it apply unbelievable heaps of pressure, it also makes you feel like an unnecessary factor, an insignificant detail, a small ant in this process—when it’s your life they’re talking about.
Finally, I just find this entire thing to be such a joke—a joke because it just doesn’t feel real. The whole sentiment that a girl is only as good as her dowry is just plain dumb. I am as traditionally Chinese as the next girl, but I certainly don’t subscribe to the belief that a girl’s sole purpose in life is to be a wife and a mom. Take note, I have nothing against being a wife and being a mom. What I don’t agree with is believing that that is all that a girl should become, or ever hope of becoming. Life doesn’t end with getting married and having kids. And, more importantly, a woman’s worth is not to be measured by how many men want to marry her, or how young she got married, and heaven forbid, how many sons she gave her mother in law.
I’m just frustrated. And really ticked off by all this “is he ever going to marry you? If he is, why hasn’t he said anything? Where is the ring? You’re old na, you should really start getting concerned” talk. AAARG! Leave me alone! Are we in the Middle Ages?!
And, oh, it gets better.
To take it a step further, they sat me down and told me they’re concerned about the frequency of our dates. It’s all related to the argument I cited above. They say it goes against my welfare to be seen in public so often with him, because (here goes..):
A daughter should always be treated with care. When she is seen very often with a man, people make assumptions about her. If she is seen often in public with him, holding hands or being affectionate, they assume that she will end up with him. If she doesn’t, (suppose they broke up), and she is seen out with another man in public in the same manner, they will assume she is a “woman with multiple relations with men” and that’s damaging to her reputation. Hence, if Dennis does not show any intent to marry you, you should think twice about being seen so often with him in public.
Oh my god, you can just imagine my horror. WTF!? I was never informed that there was such a thing! Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous line of thought?! The argument persists:
In fact, until a girl is engaged to the man, she is never to go out-of-town or abroad with him. Even if and especially if it’s with his family. Never. People will assume she is easy, that something has happened to her and the man. So, should they break up or not end up together for whatever reason, no sane man would take her as a wife, for she has ‘already been with another’. In the same manner, if the event is a big celebration where the man’s entire extended family is in attendance, the girl should not attend alone. She must always be with a chaperone, lest she be misunderstood as ‘under the illusion that she is part of the family’, or worse that she is easy.
All this, of course, gets thrown out the window once the man proposes marriage. After which, all events or trips can be attended by the girl.
Again, WTF?!
I can see the hint of wisdom deeply embedded in these words. I agree that a girl should always take good care of herself, to be aware of how she comes off to people and how her actions can be misinterpreted. I agree that a girl should always care for her name and that a girl should never allow herself to be taken for granted in the most humiliating way.
However, I think these words should also be tempered by reason. There comes a point where you shouldn’t care about what other people will say. There is a balance between noting how your actions can come across and doing things that make you happy. As long as you know you’re not doing anything bad or hurting anyone or going overboard with doing as you please, then that should be okay.
It’s just really tiring to live by someone else’s rules, be bound by philosophies that aren’t your own. It gets taxing to act and decide out of tradition and not out of principle. And it gets tiresome to take into account the world’s opinion and ignore your own.
Well…. (Sighs)…
I’ll just take his advice and take it all in stride. After all, in this society, resistance to tradition is futile. Unless you wanna live out in the streets.
Or unless you get married.
Whichever comes first.
Harharhar! Oh well…if you can’t fight them… laugh at them nalang! =P
