No need for HK!

Baguio is the place to be in December! Just as cold and just as cozy! But not as expensive! 👍

Best gifts this year!

❤

Spend here, spend there

We've been spending more than what we earn, for the past 2 months. Bad bad bad.

Well, I guess we shouldn't feel too guilty since a huge chunk of it went to our medical bills with this treatment that appears to be working for us. Then the other half consists of Christmas shopping, bills, 13th month pay of our driver and maid, and remnants of our HK trip. Upcoming ones are the Baguio trip with my in-laws and the Malaysia trip with the Chans in Feb.

Need to be more conscientious come 2013 though. The math geek in me keeps tabs on how much needs to be put back in the account, for all this to break even. Let's pray for good Smart bonus in April so everything can even out.

:)

The RH debate

Here's the thing. I think people would normally assume because I have firsthand experience with infertility, I would be anti-RH and would be anti-contraception. On the contrary, I am very much pro-RH and am even more convicted about it because of my infertility experience.

The main point behind my stand is that I believe children should be born by choice and not by (unwanted) chance. My experience punctuates this even more. Imagine the joy and love poured upon a child because he or she was wanted, welcomed and dreamed of. Now imagine the reverse when a child is met by unwelcome surprise and dread. I know that children are a blessing (boy do I know that!) so all the more they should be conceived and brought into this world if the parents will be "deserving" of them -- meaning they will be able to give them quality of life, not just an existence of the barest minimum. Sex definitely starts the process of making a child, but being a good parent has nothing to do with sex.

I think this bill is at the heart of it, a population control or a contraception bill. Everything else like maternal care is already provided for by other laws. Sex ed is optional and only for secular schools (which can already mount these already anyway). And this pro-contraception part is what the anti-RH people are getting riled up about.

To each his own. If they feel their religious belief dictates that this is bad, so be it. But I believe in the separation of church and state, and the bill only gives access to these tools. It does not mandate anything. Choice is given to women and I think it's more an injustice to make a woman powerless over her body, than it is to let children go unconceived. An unwanted child is a sadder state to have than an unconceived one. I guess my stand is to spare the child if bringing him to the world will only give him a life of disadvantage. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So yes, I'm happy congress passed it. Let's go, RHBill!!!

2012 cycles = not productive

Ok, it's official as of tonight. No baby conceived in 2012.

I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be. There were previous cycles that were much more emotionally tormenting, definitely. The worst so far was the period that arrived at effing Mothers Day, of all goddamn days. The second I am guessing would be the one in October when I came face to face with the reality that it wasn't going to happen before I turned 30. This month's... Well, I did hope, in the same way I would every other cycle. But I guess what's different this time is the sense of control-- that at least, I have some degree of control over our progress in this journey. And I owe this to our doctor. We have both registered very good progress, especially Dennis and his .. Well, swimmers. I'm happy that at least I know we're moving forward. This also makes me hopeful that our baby is on his way. That time may not be now but my heart tells me it will arrive. It's not going to be a question of if. It's going to be a matter of when.

Itaga mo sa bato. I believe.

That's what's different this time.

And though it doesn't make this period pain-free, the hope does make it bearable.

So there you have it, folks. Dragon really isn't my year, that I now know.

So every 12 years, I gotta keep my head low ;)

One other thing: I have the most amazing husband. He is so gentle with me and so understanding -- a great mix of strength and kindness. The antithesis of me. My other half. The only one in this entire world I will ever need. The only one who knows what my heart yearns for, even before my mouth can give off words to express it. The one I know I live and die for.

This is why our baby will surely come along. How can you pass up a daddy like that?

:)

It's a #Panalo day!

🎉

Addition to the wish list

Isn't it lovely?:)

I know I'm on a shopping ban but...

I really like this!!!

BFFs

My best friend surprised me with a Tiffany necklace for my 30th birthday. This gift, on top of it being a complete and utter surprise, meant so much to me because it's from my oldest and dearest friend and because it represented my most precious dream. I always felt the Elsa Peretti bean looked like the tiny bean that shows up in an ultrasound during early pregnancy stages. And getting it for my 30th and getting to wear it around my neck made it ven more special. Thank you, Li! Here's to BFFs who just sense what your heart needs and to friendships that withstand time and distance.

So far so good...

With this new doctor, at least.

We've seen considerable improvement in the 1 month we've been seeing him. It's the most amount of progress we've seen, especially when compared to our past OBs. Thank God. This doc is officially the best person I met this year (in relation to the FILC annual survey questionnaire hehehe)

Here's to hoping the progress keeps going! :)

YMMA

So, I got nominated twice to this marketing awards thing called YMMA - first by my boss and second by my good friend Neil. I initially filled out the info sheet but lost interest in putting together the main entry with all the details asked for. October was a jampacked month for me, with work obligations and personal matters, and the deadline was right on Oct 31. So I decided to forego the application. Besides, to be really honest, I wasn't so hot on entering. I guess watching Neil's awarding last February kind of made me feel iffy about entering -- all that attention and hoolabaloo.

So I thought that was it.

Then yesterday, the founder of this awards thing actually personally texted me, asking when they can expect my entry, even if it's well past the deadline. And guess what, he copied in my boss in his text message! Omg! Sinumbong ako!

So my boss goes to me and pushes me (or rather demands) to submit the data. Put it together now and submit it today. Exag!!!!!!

I still tried to get out of it but to futility. She was bent on it and if you knew my boss, she's the kind of person that pushes for what she wants.

So I'm sending it in today. Yikes.

:-/

My first day as a 30-y.o.

As the day comes to an end and the first day of my 3rd decade on earth will be over soon, I make a fervent wish for the next decade -- for this wish to mark these upcoming 10 years.

Please. Let it come true.

❤

HBD in HK!

Blogging now from HK! We're resting at our hotel, taking a break before we head out for my birthday dinner. It's been a relaxing trip so far, with the pace being very slow and chill, and the itinerary being wide open for whatever we may fancy. Earlier today, we went to Dialogue in the Dark -- a totally new experience of a tour. You enter a dark room with zero lighting and are guided by a blind tour guide. You are given a cane and instructions on how to navigate the grounds. We found it disconcerting at first since the place was pitch black and it's a bit weird to not see anything at all. But soon enough, the body adjusted and it was interesting to have all other senses heightened to compensate for the lack of vision. The tour started out in a forest garden then to a boat then to market, a normal street crossing, a store and finally a cafe. It was such a refreshing and humbling experience to step into the shoes of a blind person for 75 minutes. It made us more grateful people too. A nice way to start a birthday.

Then we explored Langham Mall - an innovative concept and an interestingu architectural building. We had a lunch feast of one of my all-time favorite food -- tonkatsu! Brilliant choice! Loooved it!!

Then we did some street shopping along Kowloon and Nathan Roads then it's back to the hotel for a bit of rest. Dinner tonight will be at Morton's. I'm excited.

❤

Project30 launches tomorrow!

So we're off to HK tomorrow for a 5-day trip to celebrate my birthday! Yay! I initially planned to go somewhere farther, specifically Australia. But with our recent medical bills, it wasn't very prudent to splurge that much. I figured HK is still a good option since: (1) the food is goooood ; (2) weather will be nice and autumn-y ; (3) pretty good place to shop, eat and sightsee - a good travel itinerary mix. So off to HK we go!

I also already know what my birthday gift from Dennis is. And I love love love it!!!! I'll attach a sneak peek slash clue below on what it is :)

I am very, truly, deeply grateful. I know that being pregnant is one of the dreams I asked to be realized before I turn 30, but even if that blessing wasn't given in the time frame I asked, I believe and humbly pray that it will come true soon. I guess timing really is out of our hands.

Nonetheless I do feel so blessed. I feel I've used the last decade very fruitfully, responsibly and lovingly. Let's review a bit on how the past 10 years have been like for me:

- Education : I graduated college at the top of my class and bagged a pretty good job afterwards. I also embarked on post-graduate studies and finished it with distinction honors, while still maintaining a fulltime job and teaching on the side.

- Love and Family : I met and married the love of my life. I left the care of my parents but continue to be just as devoted to them. I am still my brothers' big sister on whom they know they can always rely.

- Money and Career : Dennis and I have been able to start a good nest, and are on track to paying off our mortgage by 2013. I also now have a car in my name, at a cost that's almost free. I worked hard and took great care of my career; I have been very fortunate too to see my labor bear early fruit. I am thoroughly satisfied with my career progression, having bagged a manager position at age 25 and managing to end my 20s with a senior marketing position. I am also poised to be my boss' replacement / successor and I do feel valued by my bosses. I've been lured enough by other offers outside and this increases my confidence that the work I put in throughout these 9+ years have been worth it.

I also began a different career - teaching. While it means taking out 3 hours every Saturday for 5 straight months every year, I love teaching and I love my students. The pay is minuscule, if you only consider the paycheck as the payback. But if you count the joy, fulfillment and peace that comes along with the task of being a professor, you'll find that the exercise is worth it thousand times over.

- Travel : The past 10 years featured travel to the US/Canada, Middle East, Europe and Asia. Travel really is a great teacher and I'm grateful to have had these opportunities.

- Friendship : I forged 3 of my most solid friendships during this decade. Filc is one of the blessings in my 20s and I'm so thankful to have these girls in my life. I also met Jane and Karen - my two "ate"'s who guide me and have been the ate's I never had. I stayed in touch with old friends I met as a child and I'm thankful for them. I have the best professional team in TNT too! So all around, this arena of my life has been a resounding success.

I thank God / Buddha so fervently for all the above. It has been a good ride- my 20s. My 30s definitely have large shoes to fill. Pressure! Haha! I hope I've done my share - charity, giving back to my school/s and upholding a good spiritual life- in deserving all these blessings. I promise to not take anything for granted.

Happy birthday to me! :)

Revelation - the best 30th-bday gift of all!!!

Ok, I just got the best gift to mark my turning 30.

Atty and I went to see a genitourinary doctor yesterday and he gave the best explanation re: infertility that we've ever received. I just think it's very sad how OBs do not work in conjunction with this little-explored medical field. I can imagine how many diseases can be prevented by doing this initial step first. And it's not just for infertility, mind you. Lots of babies are born via going through an infected genital tract of the mom and hence contract many infections that otherwise could've been prevented. Likewise, a lot of things can be impaired by infection. Even the big C is initially triggered by an infection. Sounds so simple yet no one really bothers to get their genitals checked regularly, the way we normally do for our blood or heart or lungs. But the fact is, the genitals are probably the most prone to infection, given the ways and frequency that they are used. Yet maybe it's the lack of awareness plus stigma that's associated with the genital tract that is the culprit for keeping this field under wraps.

Truly, it was a day of revelation and it's the first time that this journey made sense to us. I'm so grateful. There is so much to tell with regards to the background of this field and I'll be too happy to share with anyone who asks.

I'm so grateful. The birthday is complete even before it has happened. Knowledge truly is power.

Another thing that struck me yesterday was the realization that, despite instincts to do otherwise, one should never trust or put faith into a doctor. Not that there's anything malicious with your doctor. It's just that doctors are only human-- busy and distracted by many other concerns just like you and me ; just as potent for mistakes and errors just like you and me. Hence, see your doctor as merely a contracted agent to help you along with your medical situation. Do not put blind faith on him or her, because you will only do yourself a disservice. Try to understand the facts and make your own conclusions, with the help of the medical community. I say "with the help", not the sole responsibility of the physician whose care you are under.

I realized this because I think that's how I saw my past 2 OBs. I saw them as experts in their field; hence, who am I to not fully believe what they say. But all along, my gut was uneasy with the term "unexplained infertility" and while I had bouts of "whatever will be, will be", the nerd in me struggled to put blind faith on anyone. And I'm glad it kinda paid off. I mean, we're not pregnant yet and I'm not saying this is the only answer and we'll be smooth sailing already. It's just that it feels good to have information and gain new understanding (and respect) for our bodies. It's liberating, like a huge weight just came off. Faith implies so much pressure - and unnecessary pressure in this case.

I am breathing really big gulps of relief. The unexplained has gotten a pretty good chunk of explaining. Whew.

Thankful

For fresh starts.

Yet another "next time"

OK, so last cycle is over. This one wasn't as bad as the Mothers' Day one, but it was definitely one of the hardest. I can't explain it - I guess it's the despair that makes this a bit different. It's my birthday month, i.e. the month I turn 30. I always imagined having a baby on the way (or already out) before this milestone in my life. And the realization that that wasn't going to happen was unlike anything I anticipated. It's a horrible combo of fear, despair, doubt and pain... I would never wish it on anyone.

I also realized something, this being the first time I brought up the idea of assisted methods. I was so "game" for it, seeing it as a possible way to solve this situation and realize our dream. He saw it differently. After all, my reaction was natural - I didn't have to do anything (save for the paying the bill part which we both participate in), I just need to lie down, bear some discomfort, then the procedure is over. For the man, it is an entirely different thing. While natural cycles depend largely on the woman's body, assisted measures depend largely on effort from the man (if you get my drift). Hence, it raises questions for guys, like "Does this make me less of a man?", which would tend to raise to shore varying emotions of pain and fear. So I said, we don't have to if he's not ready. I said early on in this journey that I will not sacrifice any part of my marriage in this quest for a baby, and I meant that. If my husband isn't emotionally or mentally ready for this next step, then we are not taking it. He will always be my first priority. Simple as that. A lot of this infertility thing is not simple - in fact it is so complicated. But this part is so clear to me. Clear as day.

Besides, I do believe that this has nothing to do with what makes a man and what doesn't. If something uncontrollable defined a man, then hair color or skin color would define a man as much as infertility does. Obviously, this makes no sense at all. What defines a man are, among others, how he treats his wife, how he treats people in general, how much love he can give and how much strength he can muster. All I know is THIS does not in any way define a man. Though I can understand where the question comes from, especially since I am all too familiar with the disappointment you cannot help but feel when your body lets you down. All my life, I had the impression that all you had to do was have sex and you'll get pregnant. Little did I know, this was a big fat farce.

So here we are in another cycle... another "next time". Sometimes I fear going through my FB feed, because when I see someone post a picture of a sonogram, or make a happy announcement, I can't help but feel this sinking feeling in my gut, this stab in my chest. But I push myself to do it anyway, because I cannot live in fear of this "thing" all my life. I will be able to beat it, I pray. But I can NEVER ever let it beat me. I can never let it beat out my capacity to be happy for other people and to wish them well. I can never let it make me bitter, angry or fearful. I have to fight it; otherwise, I will let it change me. For the worse. And if that happens, that's when I am truly defeated. So no. I am fighting back.

So, here's to another "next time".

PRAYER

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

The same prayer.

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

Another bag love post

Here's another bag I love. It's a Kate Spade Scout crossbody bag in denim, and it's special because Atty gifted me with it when I finished my MBA with honors. This blog held witness to my struggles with finishing the degree, so I think it's fitting that I make this post :)

Giving is indeed better than receiving

God is really a genius!!

I now know why I had that epiphany.

1. Dennis called me the other day, complaining about his blackberry's defective trackball. It's been bothering him for months and that particular day was just the really stressful kind that drives your patience thinner than usual. He wanted to throw the phone out the car window, and probably would have, if it didn't mean not being able to contact me. So it hit me! It was the perfect time to get him the S3 he has been wanting but will never spend so much to buy for himself. My husband is that kind of guy - the one who will spoil his loved ones (esp his wife!) but will hesitate to splurge on himself. It was the perfect idea!!! So after some scouting, I found a great price for the latest color Samsung S3 and surprised him with it tonight before we headed to our dinner and movie date. The look on his face was priceless!! It was a mix of confusion, shock and love. I loved it!!! Sooo much more worth it than any of the things I wanted. And because I will not splurge on those things anymore, the cost of the phone is doable for us. Love love love.

2. One of our kitchen doors got broken, due to age. It was a part of the condo that we opted not to change when we bought the place, since it still looked pretty okay. Hay. One big lesson learned. Better indeed to get everything new. Anyway, I got the work contracted and it seems to also cost quite a lot, since I can't exactly just change 1 door and not the rest. It will look ugly, so to redo the entire thing will cost more. In fact I even have 2 options to think of now : change all 7 lower doors only or change all 15 doors. Obviously all 15 means the most cost. So maybe 7 is a good compromise.

Anyway, so these are the 2 more urgent and more worth-it causes to pour money into, compared to the frivolous list I had. Truly a blessing to have realized and stopped myself before it was too late and we would've spent so much more than we were ready for. Instinct really is heaven's way of communicating with us :)