BabyPlus!

My friend KQ told me about BabyPlus when she was pregnant with her daughter in 2009. It's a prenatal education system that uses heartbeat tones as the "medium of instruction". There are 16 lessons that you play at a prescribed schedule starting Week 18 (which I'm at as of today!). You strap the thing onto your belly and use it twice a day for an hour each. The machine is preprogrammed to be at an optimum volume level and will automatically shut off after an hour. 

I first used it today at 12nn and I must admit, the sound is very noticeable indeed! I'm glad I chose to use it at 12nn and 6pm - i.e. least disruption to my officemates. Hehe. 

I also notice some stretching in my uterus when I was playing it and about an hour or two afterwards. The FAQs in the website says this is expected and in fact, once I can feel the baby moving, I'll even notice the increased activity more whenever I use BabyPlus. 

So here it is! I keep the contraption in a ziplock bag with a matching calendar of lessons that I tick off as I go through it. 

I must also admit something: this machine is also special to me because it's the first thing I ever bought in anticipation of getting pregnant. I saw it on sale online and figured I might as well buy it, way back in March 2011! I was that naive in thinking we will easily get pregnant so might as well get a good deal for Babyplus. :p Oh well. I'm just happy I finally get to use it :)

18 weeks today! :) Hope you're cozy and comfy in there, baby!

Birth photography

I only found out there was such a thing when I started reading Project Mom but it peaked my curiosity and led me to research online. It looks so interesting!!

www.mymommyology.com/2012/03/06/my-mommyology-recommends-oh-happy-day-birth-photography-by-polly-fong/

This video also explains it. She seems like such "good vibes" I'm very interested!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21grv6QVThQ

:)

Project Mom

Here's my reading material this long Papal Visit weekend :) Found it on 50% off online, so I pulled the trigger and got it.  I've always been curious about it but didn't want to pluck down a thousand bucks for a book.

We did a 16-week ultrasound yesterday-- my first pelvic ultrasound (yay, no more transV!!) and we tried to see the gender. Baby was shy and kept the legs crossed. Hehe. Next time then, which is in 2 weeks or so :)

Bringing my highlighter out to take note of the tips I like! :)

Options

Ok, so I opened the year with some thoughts and with it, some lessons. In our annual FILC 'surveys', there's a question on what life lesson you learned during the year concerned. I think I already have my answer for 2015 -- The beauty about having money isn't about the money per se, or the things it can buy. It lies in the options it affords you to consider and allows you to make. Having choices is such a luxury -- one that oftentimes money can buy.

Anyone reading this blog regularly will also know that I am a planner at heart. So as early as now, I am thinking of what to do when the baby arrives. My thought process goes as follows (and these little thoughts may not always harmonize with each other, hehehe):

1. I've waited for this baby for a long time, and leaving him/her to go to work after 2 months seems unjust to the cause I've fought and to the little fighter who clawed and fought his/her way into our lives. I didn't just wait to get pregnant. I waited to have a baby. I feel I owe it to myself, to our little family and to the heavenly beings I flooded and bombarded with my endless pleas and prayers to maximize our little one's littlest months. To do otherwise feels ungrateful.

2. On the other hand, to be a full-time mother costs money (at least forgoes the earning of money). Money that, strictly speaking, we may have in our stashed-away funds, but money that we will miss nonetheless. Should I 'buy' this period of time (in my head, it's a full year as 6 months still doesn't sound enough)? Me being me, I already have a figure in my head for how much this year will cost. Should I do it? Will it be responsible of me (fiscally speaking) to do so?

3. The other thing to consider is the impact to my career in the long run.... which leads me to the next point....

4. By the time the baby arrives, I would have spent 2 years in this media company. I came here to (1) learn something new while (2) affording myself a flexible, non-critical yet substantial role at work to still be able to earn and be productive with my brain and efforts, while pursuing infertility treatment. A big check on both counts, but I also feel the time has come (the mark of which is at 2 years) to end it. I've done what I came here to do. Moving-on is the next logical thing.

5. But of course, move on how? Here is where the options come in:

Option 1: Take a 1-year sabbatical after my maternity leave (subject to approval, of course) and return to Smart by mid-2016.
Upside: I keep my tenure and will be working walking-distance away at a place I have paid my dues in and no longer need to exert too much effort in proving myself. Work is familiar. This option is likely the most palatable to all bosses concerned, including HR, making the sabbatical easier to approve.
Downside: I don't like the current management. I won't be learning anything new. May also have career implications of staying too long in 1 industry/company.

Option 2: Similar as Option 1 except instead of Smart, I look for elsewhere within the Group (that is not media).
Upside: I can leverage on the last 9 years I invested in this group. It also tends to be financially rewarding and at least my last package from Smart can still be honored. Depending on the company, I will learn something new.
Downside: Location may not be favorable to me unless it's PLDT (gulp!) and I doubt my current boss will not feel bad if I choose another 'sister-company' over the one he heads.

Option 3: Take the sabbatical, look for work while on break, and go from there.
Upside: The reverse of the above. And I have a fresh start.
Downside: Pretty tough to find work that's as physically close to my home as Smart is. Plus, there would be backlash in taking a sabbatical only to resign later on.

Option 4: Resign from the onset.
Seems there's no upside. Haha!

If you notice, coming back to my current position is not an option for me. It's not good for my career in the long run. It's also not close to my place, and there's no 'passion' on my end for this industry.

So there. That's where I am right now. I wish money were not an issue at all, so that I can have another option, which is to be a consultant and work part-time indefinitely. But I know that's not fair to my family and as it is, the one year off already carries cost.

Wish me luck! Have about 4 months before I need to give notice. :)

Goodbye, 2014! Hello,2015!

As this year comes to a close, I find myself in deep deep gratitude as I recap the blessings we received this year. Finally getting pregnant is the biggest highlight of the year, and I know giving birth and finally meeting our precious little fighter will be 2015's best moment. And for that, I am thanking all my lucky stars. Thank you thank you. Getting to this point was definitely challenging, riddled with many heartbreaks and disappointments. But as every ultrasound showed me, it all just melts away when I come face to face with our little fighter via the ultrasound machine. I can't wait for June when the real face-to-face happens. 

On the career end, I got promoted to AVP level, much to my surprise. I honestly thought I was just coasting along at work, as it was a convenient pit stop professionally as I pursued infertility treatments. All I asked for was some flexi time and understanding. A promotion and all the benefits that come with it was the furthest thing from my mind. A blessing when you weren't looking. Thank you. 

On the finances end, we really took a beating here. Two rounds of ivf and a hell lot of other medical conditions amounted to such a big cash-based expense, but no complaints here. All that was worth it to finally be on the way. I am grateful to have had the chance these past 4 years to get bonuses to save for this big project of our marriage. If it wasn't for this "war chest", I know I'd be stressing out now. 

The year wasn't filled with travel-- that's one thing that sets 2014 apart from the three other years we've been married. Other priorities took over. I'm grateful to have gotten so travel-drunk the past few years that I barely even noticed we haven't been traveling much. Onto other priorities, I guess. 

Thank you, 2014. You're ending in such a brighter, better way that you started. 

Welcome, 2015. All I ask is that you bring me a healthy, happy baby --- healthy in mind, body and spirit--- and a safe pregnancy and delivery. No other requests. 

:) Cheers!!!

Nuchal translucency test: Passed!

So I had my first trimester screening the other day, and baby passed! It measures the thickness of the back of the neck to check for any swelling. My baby's measured 1.1cm and I think the upper limit of normal is 4. So yay!

And here's a shot from the ultrasound!

(I must say, Kato takes better ultrasound pics than St Lukes) :p

Hello there, little love! You were so good the other day, staying on your side as the doctor measured the back of your neck. Good job! :)

The sweetest video EVER

Sharing and posting this here because it's one of the best digital campaigns I've ever stumbled upon and the sweetest video ever made--

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0C5R_12zpKM

Thanks to IVF, I know the exact date of our "first day together", little one. And Mommy loves you too. So much more than you will ever ever know. 

<3

Graduation from KATO!

Last Sunday, Kato gave me my walking papers, which refers to a medical certificate, a medical referral letter, an IVF report and an ultrasound report, meant to aid my OB (who will now handle my pregnancy fulltime). I got released at less than 10 weeks because they said there was no medical reason to keep me there longer - I had no bleeding, my cervix is closed and the baby is growing on schedule. I was so happy! Part of me never stopped bracing for something wrong, and to hear that I ticked all the boxes brought such great relief and encouragement - I've done well in optimizing myself for this baby, despite all the other issues I have. 

Also the highlight of Sunday was seeing our babylove again! This time, she grew so much bigger and even managed to show us several times that she can now wiggle her arms and legs. Awwww <3

Here she is! Dennis took a video, which I'll find a way to post here somehow. Now that I'm turned over to an OB, my ultrasounds won't be as frequent anymore, so I'm very glad to have this video to play over and over until next month when I get to take a peek again:)

2 months!

Officially 2 months pregnant, or 8 weeks 1 day to be very exact. 

Had my 8th week scan today and this time, my loving mama came along with me as Dennis couldn't get out of a work commitment. I was also happy to have my mom there, to experience this miracle with her and to share with her the overwhelming joy of seeing that strong heartbeat flickering on the screen. There's no more glorious sight to behold in this entire world, I tell you. 

So here's my little love @ 2 months gestation:

Our little bean is now 1.5cm, right on time, it seems, and the lovely little heart is beating at 151bpm. Love. My heart is full. 

Next up is a consult with my immunologist. She still has me on 10mg of Prednisone daily, which I would like to ask if it can be lowered. While I know many people take it throughout pregnancy, I would like to continue taking medication that is absolutely necessary. Especially as Prednisone is a steroid. 

Then again, because it's meant to manage my ANA-positive condition, a part of me is also nervous to cut down on the meds. Does that sound strange? Because I waited for this little love for so long, I want to do everything in my power to optimize and protect this pregnancy. I just find myself flipflopping on the best steps to achieve that goal. 

Anyway, that issue aside, pregnancy is so far so good to me. Except for the bouts of nausea and the constant upper-back spasms. What's up with that?! I read somewhere the back cramps may be due to my boobs becoming heavier and as I wasn't particularly athletic pre-pregnancy, my back is complaining. Geez. I wonder if that's true. As it is, my back spasms bother me enough to wake me from sleep. 

But no complaints. At all. Anything for my little love. Anything. 

My heart is truly full. So this is what gratitude feels like.

Miracle Birthday 2014

Posting this because:

- I did this just now

- I've never seen a "successful" one before

- I wanted a more "traditional" proof of our miracle especially since making it happen had us traveling down an unconventional path

- I just want to ;)

Even if I first found out officially about a week and a half ago, I still wanted to pee on a preggers stick. I want to see that positive second line - the more conventional way that people find out they're on the way. It was as satisfying as I imagined. I loved it. Loved looking at it. Loved waving it around at my husband. Loved it. 

Love the little one finally finding its way and is burrowing into my uterus. 

Love love love. 

I didn't want to update sooner because.... well, I guess a part of me was still "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Infertility traumatizes in so many ways and I am surprised to experience this weird sense of "bracing" for the miracle to be taken away. Getting disappointed way too many times does that to you. Failing too many times can make you start to doubt if you deserve to succeed. A part of me wanted more proof, before I could allow myself to write these words. 

By no means am I over it - this sense of "bracing" - but I do feel like the unbelievably good news has started to sink in more and more each day. Especially - most especially - during the milestone little victories whenever we have a blood test and ultrasound (now every 5 days) to make sure the baby is growing well. One good side in IVF is the constant monitoring. I find myself waiting for the next check to put my mind at ease that everything is going well. 

We've told some people but not too many - just family, very good friends who've been with us in this journey and of course, as a matter of necessity, my colleagues because they needed to understand my frequent skip-outs and absences. 

We've also allowed ourselves to dream - to imagine, to think farther ahead. We've also started saying "baby" instead of embryo. And saying "baby" sends so much joy into my heart- more than I can ever express. 

I know there's still a long road to go from here. I'm only 5 and a half weeks along, and due to my immunologic issues, there are many things to manage. But I am all prepped for it. Injections of heparin have to be done daily. And those shots can hurt. They can look innocent like this -

But they can cause bruises on the stomach as bad as this --

(Don't be too alarmed. Since then I've learned to inject very very slowly, as in over 3-4 minutes, and to wait 10 seconds before pulling the needle out. But still, this mother fucker of a bruise still freaked me out when it appeared hahaha)

On top of that, I need to double up on acupuncture and to continue my LIT rounds. Pricey when they all pile up, but no money has ever been more worth spending. 

What else... Not much symptoms so far but I know it's still early. The only big one so far is the cramping in the early morning, enough to wake me up. I just find myself talking to the baby, telling it to go ahead and keep growing and not worry about the cramping. Mommy can take it all and much much more just to make sure he/she is healthy and growing strongly. Nothing else matters. 

Love. 

This has been the best birthday, best month, best time of my life. I can't find enough words to describe it - truly a dream come true. 

Thank you so much. 

Thank you. 

My heart is full. 

PUPO take 2!

Okay, I mentioned before what PUPO meant, right? In infertility lingo, it means "pregnant until proven otherwise" and this is a term that women use after undergoing an embryo transfer, because technically, you have a living embryo in your uterus but then it's too early for you to know for sure if it took and if the pregnancy has officially begun. Anyway...

So yesterday was my FET. I arrived at KATO at 11am to get my blood drawn for my progesterone level. My last blood work showed that my P4 levels were on the low side of normal so the doctor said we have to check again on FET day to make sure I was making enough progesterone. It was a bit of a wait as there was a marked increase in the number of women who were there at the same time. So Dennis and I took turns playing games on the iPad (I’m currently obsessing on Diner Dash 2015, try it!) to pass the time. After an hour, the doctor went to me and said “we’re a go!” Hoorah!

So the next step was for the embryologist to thaw my lone blastocyst (which took 7 days to achieve blasto stage, coming from a semi mature egg that went through IVM or in vitro maturation) and see if it can survive enough for transfer. We were sent off to lunch and told to come back in an hour. Nerves in my midsection once again!!! I prayed that my dear little fighter could survive the thawing process. I knew it developed slowly back in June when we did the retrieval (if you want a reminder of how this part of the story unfolded, go to this: http://mylittlesanctuary.blogspot.com/2014/06/embryologist-consult.html)

I guess it’s due to being only half-mature at the egg stage and I read somewhere that the energy for an embryo to go along the dev’t stages all came from the egg. Ironically though, this particular blasto originally had a companion – a second egg cultured to blasto stage using a mature egg. I would’ve assumed the mature contender would make a stronger blast but surprise surprise, it disintegrated on day 6. My little fighter of a semi-mature egg turned slowly into a blast by day 7 and held on! Wow! The embryologist was initially concerned about its slow dev’t but it made it on Day 7 and was sent to be frozen. So that brings my frozen inventory to 2 : one blast and one day-2 embie. Then I found out I had autoimmune conditions that I had to address first before doing the transfer phase. So my two snow babies were frozen from then on until October when my LAT scores finally went up.

Okay, so back to my FET story. We came back from lunch early and waited anxiously for the thaw report. We were called in after a few minutes and were told that yes, our little fighter made it to thaw and the embryologist subjected it to laser assisted hatching or LAH as they called it because they felt its outer shell was harder than they wanted it to be, especially considering that this blast was on the “weaker” side as its dev’t was quite slow at the onset. They said this LAH step should increase its chances of implanting because the hatching part will easier. I hadn’t quite thought much about assisted hatching at that point but I felt what they said made sense. I was then led to the prep room to prepare for the transfer.

The transfer itself went well partly because I already knew what to expect. I emptied my bladder and changed into the gown and put on my OR cap in quick succession. No more tentative steps like with my first ivf. This ain’t my first turn on the merry-go-around after all. While waiting to be called into the OR, I said a prayer and found myself sobbing the words out in my head. I prayed for a safe procedure and a successful transfer. I prayed that this little fighter was going to be our take-home baby. There’s got to be a reason why it was able to hold on against the odds. I cried out all my anxiety and found a sense of calm afterwards. Just in time to be called into the OR.

The actual procedure felt a bit more painful than I remembered. Maybe because I had given Dr. Mendiola a printout of my bicornuate uterus beforehand (which I didn’t do the first time around) to guide him on where to best deposit the embryo. As a result, he seemed to have prodded around a bit before settling on a spot. I hope this was a good sign. Everything else was routine. Oh and my uterine lining was a good 10! Yay!

In the end, I got this picture of our expanding blast and got sent home with Progynova, progesterone suppositories and Dydrogesterone tabs to take until my beta day next week. That was a surprise for me as I thought it would take 9 days to do my blood test. Apparently, the LAH cut down a bit of the wait time and I test for the outcome exactly a week after. Nice. Less waiting time means less crazy time with the hormones messing with my head and my emotions and with the idle time on my hands leading me to Google stuff online that I shouldn't be reading anyway. Haha!

And here’s the snapshot of my little fighter. Say hello!

It was graded a "D" with A being the highest. I am not sure how they do blastocyst grading in KATO, as it doesn't coincide with world standards (or maybe American standards, to be precise, which uses a mix of numbers and letters in blastocyst grading). In any case, I figure, there's no use obsessing about it anyway, since I would have still done the transfer no matter what the implications of the grading may be. This little fighter will get his or her chance to grow into a baby inside me, and only fate will be the final arbiter if it makes it or not.

Hang in there, little fighter! Mommy loves you already.

Waiting for you, love!

Looks like we're a go for Tuesday's embryo transfer of our Day-5 embaby. Please pray for us that everything goes well!!

I have this superstitious thing of doing everything differently from the first ivf round, in the hopes that it leads to a different result. For instance, no staycation this time. Plus, I'll do a traditional Pinoy hilot in the abdominal area tonight as a form of prep work for Tuesday. I'm also not taking the entire 10 days off from work. I'll only be out for 4 working days, giving myself about 6 days post transfer to let the embryo implant. After that, I'll go back to the office for about 3-4 more days before the results day. I'll also do acupuncture the day after the transfer. All these things, I did differently in the first round. I know it's pure superstition but hey, what if it works?! Hehe. 

Praying for you to come along this time around, little love. Let this be IT. 

So this happened today...

I pray it's a harbinger of better things to come in the future, specifically this month as we try again to fulfill our baby dream! 

From my coworker, as texted to her by HR:

Good morning. I'm rushing to include Gladys' midyear promotion to Center Head/AVP for implementation this coming payroll. I think  you'd concur but I still need your "yes" to my sms then I'll send the panel feedback form ☺ Tks.

Grateful. 

Very grateful. 

This happens just when we wrapped up last weekend by talking about finances, cutting back and managing better. Can't help but see this as a sign that things will be alright, that Someone up there looks out for us, and that (hands together in prayer) we'll see the fruition of that which we have been wishing for for so long. 

Thank you again, my earthly boss. And thank you even more, to the Boss up there. You made this happen. 

:)

Start of FET and a bit of a story about an ex-friend

Okay, just a small update: Yesterday marked the first day of my first frozen embryo transfer (aka FET) cycle, which means I'm off to Kato today after an almost 3-month break due to immunological issues. It's time to resume my IVF and get our little frozen embaby transferred by mid-October. Wish us luck!!

What I wanted to blog about today doesn't concern infertility. Surprised? Hehe. I'm sorry if this blog has sort of morphed into an infertility memoir but I guess that's unavoidable as it's the single most significant force in my life now. Anyway, there are a lot of other things going on and I feel that maybe this one recent occurence should be written down so I can remind myself in the future why I decided to go a certain route with regard to a certain friend. 

Okay, I have this good friend (friend of about 10 years or so) who's always been that girl with issues - aka hyperdriven at work to compensate for loneliness in other parts of her life, who can be a bit judgmental, a bit hard to manage but overall a loving and caring person. I've always sought to understand her as she also endeavored to support and understand me as well. I've always thought we had a solid friendship. Until now. 

It started with a phone call. She called me in hysterics and told me she was in my brother's restaurant and was enraged at the staff for refusing to accept her JCB credit card. Backgrounder: She is the country manager for JCB in the Phils and one of their major business challenges is market acceptance and understanding that partner-bank terminals can accept their cards. This has thrown her into a hissy fit before, and I witnessed it myself when we had brunch in a different place about a year ago. Anyway, she told me the server quoted management directions that indicate JCB cards were not accepted in their establishment and since I didn't know the full story why that was the case, I told her I was saddened to hear what happened and that I will ask my brother. I felt at that point, what else was there for me to say? She went on and on though, even going to the point of telling me "I am here altruistically supporting your brother and this is what I get in return? I will never come back here again!"

That got me upset, as you can imagine. But at this point, I still held it together and told her I'll find out what happened. 

We then hung up the phone and I whatsapped my brother to ask what happened. While waiting for his reply, I checked the FB notifications I've been receiving this entire time and was flabbergasted to see that this incensed friend had the gall to post about being in my brother's resto and tagged me in the post. Which meant my family and frienda on FB could see it. This by itself is not something to react to, you might say. I would agree, except she updated her status by adding that the place is horrible, she wanted to puke out everything she ate and never wanted to go back there. Basically badmouthing it. To my face, since I was tagged. In front of the world, at least the FB world. 

This was the last straw. 

By this time, my brother replied. The explanation was that JCB wasn't part of the regular module of their POS provider and while their BDO terminal could accept the charge, it cannot be read by the POS and hence their chits won't tally at the end of the day and the imbalance would mean accounting issues later on. He also said that he has requested for the additional module, which would cover JCB and Amex, but the supplier hasn't sent someone over to install. He went on to ask if my friend was still upset and what he could do to appease her in the meantime. My brother's nice reply made me feel even madder at my friend, as he was extending extra courtesy to her given my friendship, yet she went on to lambast his establishment IN SPITE of our friendship. Anyway, I replied a simple "it's okay, I'll handle it" and left it at that. I went on to FB and untagged myself from the awful post. And replied to my friend via text a seething explanation. 

I told her the reason why her beloved card couldn't be accepted. And suggested to her that perhaps instead of blowing her top at merchant partners, her company should just invest in PR with POS providers and in an educational campaign with merchants. I then ended with telling her I did not appreciate her tone, choice of words and actions about this issue. I did NOT owe her anything, and how dare she rub in my face that she was "altruistically" supporting my brother. I never made friends spend money in my family's businesses if they didn't want to and I soooo did not appreciate being made to feel that way. I felt her behavior cheapened our friendship and made it look like it was made of nothing of value. If she didn't care how her words could hurt me and my family, then that says a lot about her, not me. 

I remember being so mad, my hands were shaking. Dennis just hugged me to try and comfort me. I felt so attacked. I felt my family was unduly attacked. By a friend, no less. 

She then texted back some bullshit message about being stressed at work, pressured to expand the business, etc. even dragged feng shui into it, about it being a bad year for her sign. I don't give a rat's ass. That's not a valid reason to hurt people.

Anyway, cut to a few weeks later where she texts me that our common friend was in town and was in pain over a recent career situation. I knew it was an effort to reach out to me but I wasn't ready to engage with her. Texted back a curt "yes I know. I'm in touch with her. Thanks" to which she replied "okay" and a "sorry na" in reference to what happened. Firstly, "sorry na" ain't an apology in my book. Secondly, what happened isn't something a text could make disappear. I ignored it. 

A replay (meaning she texted again when our common friend was about to fly out, saying pretty much the same thing including the apology with matching "it won't happen again") happened about 2 weeks later. Also ignored it. 

At this point, I am no longer mad at her as much as I am disappointed and disillusioned. I cannot view our friendship the same way again. How can I just sweep this under the rug? 

I still don't know how to talk to her again without thinking of what happened, so I have not talked to her in months. I just can't shake it off. What has been said cannot be unsaid. A line that's been crossed cannot be uncrossed. 

And while I may be able to eventually fully forgive her, I cannot forget it. So while I don't harbor bad feelings anymore, I also cannot say I have positive feelings towards her either. No motivation to start up a conversation again, much less a bond. I have no interest in the idea. At all. And without that, how can a friendship survive and move forward? Does that make sense to you? 

So there we are. Ex-friends. Not by my design. Sad but I don't know how to change how I feel.

Lesson learned too. Definitely avoid opening your mouth and speaking your mind when you're upset. :-/

More hormones and a tear-jerker of a photo

So today, I researched "Prednisone" - the latest in the lineup of drugs I take for management of my various infertility issues. It's a synthetic hormone and it's designed to lower your immune system to allow better chances of implantation. I just read that the common side effects are insomnia, weight gain / bloating, steroidal osteoporosis (shit!), sometimes depression and mania (this I experienced early on, like on the second day --- freaky!). Insert big sigh. Oh well, just gotta suck it all up. I hope it works for this natural cycle, or if not, for next month's FET (frozen embryo transfer) when we resume IVF in October.

So if I'm extra bloated the next time you see me, please be polite and don't say anything about it. Hehe.

Meanwhile, saw this online in an infertility blog and instantly cry as soon as I read it. The blogger and her husband were on a vacation and were on a hiatus after an almost 4-year battle with infertility. At the resort, part of the activities they joined was this sort of 'get to know you' thing among guests, like this "before I die" bucket list. Her husband had this answer:

It made me cry. Only because it could have been an answer of my own husband. He wants nothing more - absolutely NOTHING MORE in this world-  than to be a dad.

LAT: check!

Today's good news! 

So we'll do one more "for the road" then we can hurry back to our frozen embabies next cycle! Wish us luck and please continue praying! :)

To Whom It May Concern

A song I'm loving now.

I know it was written addressed to a future lover, but to me the song represents my wait for my precious child.

Listen :)

"To Whom It May Concern"

Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I missed you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently

Envy

I won't lie. Pregnancy announcements bring me so much pain. Anguish. Envy. Sometimes anger. Envy. Bitterness. Sadness. Envy. Despair. 

And envy. 

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Have you ever had just one wish, one dream fill every idle thought? Have you ever prayed just one prayer, the same prayer, for years and years, wondering if it gets heard? Have you ever changed your life so much, sacrificed so much, to try to have something others get seemingly so easily? In a drop of a hat. In a month's try. Just like that.

Some people even go on to share that they've "waited" for it, for a year, for 6 months. Hearing that tears at my already battered heart just a little bit more. Let me tell you what waiting really means. 

Some proudly proclaim it was a stroke of luck. Some call it an unexpected blessing. Reading that on a post is like getting ice sliced through my chest. Not that I don't think they deserve the blessing, but my knee-jerk thought revolves around wondering if we deserve it less. And if we did, what did we do to have this fate thrown on our laps? What did we do that was so wrong?

But after all those feelings of pain, anger and even bitterness subside, the longer lingering emotion that is much tougher to quell is bone-crushing envy. I want want want want want to be in her shoes. So bitterly badly. So desperately badly. I would trade everything in my life to be in her lucky shoes. I am not a jealous person by nature, so being jealous over someone else's blessing hurts me probably the most out of all these feelings evoked by a pregnancy announcement - feelings I never wanted to have. 

You see, I am a good person. I wish people well. I wish people good luck. I am happy for people when something good happens to them. I celebrate alongside people I love. I pray for other people's intentions. I am a good person. 

But this good person is also human. And this good person gets sad. Very very sad. This good person's good nature has taken quite a beating from infertility. This good person feels so much unwanted jealousy that it brings on so much shame. I am not this bitter, jealous person. I am not. Infertility can't make me.  It can't.

But it does. 

I let it. Tonight. When I saw that announcement on Instagram. I allowed all those feelings in, and I allowed myself to cry. 

Because even good people have bad moments. And even good people have bad emotions. I allow myself that. 

Tonight. I cry. 

Second Donor LIT done!

Next up: Blood test on Sept 2! Wish us luck!

Fuji!!!

Gigil over these photos!! Love you, baby girl!!