goodbye, dear friend

Said my last goodbye to my dear old friend today.

It was a hot hot day, and, as I arrived at the funeral home where the last rites were being given to my friend, I felt a wave of sadness. I'll never see her again. Never get to talk to her again. Never get to be with her again. And my heart reeled with so much sadness, I doubted for a second if I could go through this day.

Luckily, E was with me (I passed by for her on the way) and we held each other's hand in support. As we entered the room and saw our other friends, I felt relief. I wasn't going to go through this day alone. And knowing that was enough to get me through the next few hours.

We walked behind the car containing her body around the block of Araneta.. It was hard to see her little brothers doing the pushing. (There is a Chinese culture that says parents are never to send their kids to their resting places. And that the men in the family should be the ones leading the send-off.) After the walking ceremony, the body was taken back inside for a Buddhist mass. It comforted me that Missy was being sent off with love c/o incense burned by friends & family and with divine grace c/o the Buddhist prayers.

I sobbed my heart out, along with the rest of the gang.. especially when her 2 sisters didn't want to let her go. I cried because I was going to miss her and because I love her. I cried because the world is devoid now of a great sister, a fantastic daughter, a gifted student, a faithful friend and a loving person.

We then all proceeded to the temple where her ashes will be laid to rest and where, afterwards, we ate the usual misua soup. My friends and I sat on one table and talked for about 2 hours.. reminiscing about the past.. about how things used to be. We talked about the 90's, what we used to do for fun, how we were the 'in crowd' (really silly, if I think back at it now), how we became friends years and years ago, how we'd cover up for each other's little slipups and little pieces of mischief... I felt transported, like I was in a time warp... back to an era where life was much simpler, things were less complicated, relations felt as strong as steel, where lifelong bonds were first established, and where childhood was lived to the max. Granted, our cozy little Chinese world was small (heck, I got culture shock when I stepped into college), but it was our world. Built in such a way that we were fortified from the inside, without being hardened by premature exposure to harsh realities. Designed, whether consciously or otherwise, to enable us to bloom in our own culture.. to bask in the uniqueness of our heritage and to understand where we came from... to ultimately grow up proud to be who we are. You know what they say... you can take the gal out of Binondo, but you most certainly can't take Binondo out of the gal.

It felt good to laugh and to look back... to remember all those fun times, relish the good memories... For the first time since I heard the news of Missy's death, I felt proud to have been part of her life. I felt honored to have been given the time to know her, to be with her and to collect enough memories to remember her for always. After we were finished with the trip down memory lane, we went over to the Buddhist chapel, lit 3 sticks of incense each, knelt down and said a little prayer for our dear Missy. For Buddha to care for her and to make sure she knows we love her.

That last stopover at the chapel did wonders for my peace of mind. Now I know for sure that she's at peace. It won't make me miss her less, or think of her less, but at least the heaviness in my heart is gone. The poignant pain is gone. Though the empty space she left behind will always be there, there is no more bitterness at Him for taking her away. I understand now that all of our loved ones are with us 'on loan'.. that's why we should cherish them and love them while we still can. But when it's time for loan collection, the best we can do is hope (and believe) that we loved them the best way we know how. And, in some ways, that's the best way of all.

Love you, dear friend. Will miss you for always.