me, myself & grief

I've never ever thought I'd lose a friend this early on in life. I always thought that all my friends would grow with me through the years and we'll pass life's little hurdles & challenges together... to finally get to become all that we're meant to be. I've been blessed with talented, good-hearted friends, and I've always assumed I'll have each and every one of them with me as I go through life...

Work today was such a struggle. I tried as mighty hard as I could to keep my concentration on the tasks at hand (and Lord knows how many tasks there were)... I wanted to immerse myself knee-deep in work and forget my grief, even just for the mandatory 9-5 (or 6 or 7) work shift.. I wanted some reprieve from the intense grief that overwhelms me... but sadly, it never left my side... Like a pest, grief's shadow followed me wherever I went today... whomever I talked to... whatever I did... Every single minute, every single second of the day... Every laugh I forced out of myself was filled with heaviness and guilt. I shouldn't be laughing at all today. Nothing ever felt so fake.. so forced.

As much as I crammed all sorts of positive and comforting thoughts into my head (I know them all-- that she's at a better place right now, maybe God has a better, bigger plan for her, that at least now she's devoid of any suffering, etc. etc.), I can't help but feel frustrated. Frustrated at the fact that... I guess, at the heart of it all, I just can't bring myself to accept the truth. That she's gone. She's gone... I can't fully believe that statement even if I say them to myself repeatedly... It hasn't sunk in.. and it probably won't for some time...

Funny, after 3 years of not recovering from her illness, one would've thought that we're all prepared for this day. One would've assumed we wouldn't be surprised, that we should've readied ourselves by now. But, as I discovered, the pain is no less sharp than if it were to happen shortly after she got sick. The little stabs at the heart are no less painful... and the memories are no less fresh... Nothing could have or would have prepared me for this... To think she was so young..

And I know this next statement is so typical it's almost a cliche: But I also wondered bitterly how, among all the people in this planet, it had to be her. Of all people. E ang dami dami namang masasamang tao sa mundo. Why did it have to happen to her?! Missy was probably the nicest in our group.. the most pleasant.. never had a single enemy... She was so vibrant, so full of life, so full of dreams & potential.. She was so talented, so driven, so hopeful of the bright future ahead... and to have such a sad fate befall her.. it's just almost too much to bear.

And to people who plead and repeatedly ask for me to be okay and to accept it, I'd very much appreciate it if you'd back off a little and cut me some slack. I know I'd have to face this head-on sometime.. and I will. Just please let me do this at my own pace. Please do not force me to carry emotions or to accept things that I'm not ready for. Please do not ask me to cry and let it all hang out, because I can't... I just can't. It's not so much about denial (though at some level, I admit it is) as much as it is a matter of survival. I have responsibilities to face, especially at work. And I can't afford to 'lose it'... I can't afford to lose control... Please understand that this is mostly a matter of trying to keep sane... I'm almost at my wits' end, please don't force me to cry because, really, I'm just scared that if I start, I can't bring myself to stop.

Just please back off and let me be. You don't understand how I feel, so please just trust that I need to let everything play out on its own. Please do not rush me. I need to do this in my own time and on my own terms. They say people grieve in their own unique ways. Please do not begrudge me of mine.