musings in the middle of OT

I was doing OT last night to rush something (as always) so it can be launched this month. In the middle of my busybee moments, part of my mind was off at lala-land and thinking about something else:

Funny how, no matter how well you plan out your life, it never quite works out the way you planned. I don't know if it's because you've changed from the time you made your plans-- meaning, your priorities and views of life may have evolved already while your plans are still the same as they were x number of years ago. Or it may be because in the course of living your life, some of your plans begin to seem unrealistic, questionable, or simply inappropriate. Does not apply. That may be what leads you to go to a direction opposite from what you initially designed.

Recently, I got something that I had previously thought was all I ever wanted to achieve this year (yez, now everyone knows that I'm so compulsive, every top of the year, I try to visualize the things I'll do in the course of it) (Oh well, if you're my friend, this wouldn't be a surprise for you anyway!) At first, I was excited and (quite honestly) jumping for joy. It was going to be a lifestyle change. Heck, it was going to be a relocation! But it was something I've been wanting so long that the fact that it was almost within arm's reach was such a high!

And this dream is something I've closely associated with myself for a long time. People I met in high school and college almost-always associated this kind of thing with me. Those that I told didn't seem to be surprised that I got it. It just seemed "so you", as they said.

But now that it's had the opportunity to sink in, to be digested in my system... I suddenly realize...

I don't think I want it anymore.

I don't mean to sound like a kid. This is not about just wanting something because I don't have it, then discarding it once I do get it. It's just that...

I don't think it fits the mold I call my life anymore. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know if it ever really fit. I might just be projecting a space in my life for it, just so I can allow myself to keep wanting it. Another thing is: A friend of mine is in the exact position that I had thought I wanted to be in. And the way we both used to be... you'd think we were twins! (Oh, coincidentally, it's her birthday today!) We seemed to identify the same goals in life, and seemed to possess the same level of drive to acheive them. But now, I'm just not sure if I'm still that same person.. All I know is, I don't think it's quite for me anymore.

So what now?! I don't know! My Year 2005 planning in January was especially designed to avoid such situations. I always admired people who knew exactly what they wanted, because I always felt that my views of the future seemed to conflict each other at times. I may just be wanting too many things, granted. But darn it, I just want to figure it all out! I don't like being uncertain of things. I don't like being caught up in the midst of emotions and taking a jump without being sure. Most of all, I don't like the idea of casting aside opportunities, esp the ones I worked so hard just to create for myself..

@_@ Anyway... back to another day of slaving away.