Watch:
http://vimeo.com/11214833
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Strange Familiar
This was my musical discovery for 2013. Particularly because of two songs. Love them both. I guess you can also guess why :p
Alibi --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJfy3kEa4hM
Courage Is --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA
Alibi --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJfy3kEa4hM
Courage Is --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA
Friday, February 07, 2014
Some more updates if you'd like to hear them
OK, this is turning into an infertility blog, without any explicit intent for it to turn out like that. I guess it's unavoidable, infertility being the biggest battle of my life and the thing I think about on an almost daily basis. I'm not even sure who follow this blog, but I apologize in advance for the barrage of infertility issues discussed here. If you'd like to read more about my journey with it, then read on. If not, feel free to close this page.
Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.
Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.
The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!
But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.
Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.
The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/
So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P
Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.
Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.
The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!
But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.
Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.
The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/
So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Out with the old, in with the new! Last day of the Year of the Snake tomorrow. Be our lucky year, Year of the Horse!!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Motherhoodwinked
It may be really early in the year to proclaim this but this book is perhaps the most remarkable book for me this year. 
I've never finished a book in under 2 hours before, and that's still with some parts reread for emphasis at that. This autobiography gripped me like nothing I've ever read before -- I saw myself in Anne's story, felt everything she felt and cried when she cried. She's right-- infertility is such a rarely-discussed topic and because of that, women suffering from it can feel so devastatingly alone and isolated. It's bad enough to have to cope with such overpowering emotions all the time -- anxiety, doubt, anger, disappointment, envy and fear -- it is even worse to have to bottle them up for fear of being misunderstood.
I could relate to so many things she mentioned and went through. There were times I found myself nodding along or laughing out loud or just stopping -- because she had pointed out something I also felt or did but didn't quite notice. For instance, she talked about infertile women putting their lives on hold, not planning long-haul trips or making commitments months down the line, in consideration of the possibility of being pregnant. Life can tend to revolve around a future state, rather than being enjoyed at its current (though childless) glory. I can also relate to not shopping for clothes, or more often in my case not buying anything too formfitting or unstretchy like slacks, assuming it will be a waste because I'll eventually get pregnant and cannot wear them anymore. These adjustments, no matter how small, are peculiar to women dealing with infertility, and it's high time they see the light of day, because keeping them under wraps just make a hard situation unnecessarily tougher.
I cried with her too as she went through the many let-downs and the journey through two rounds of IVF. I cried too, this time with joy as if I knew her personally as she discovered she was pregnant after the second try. I sobbed as well as she discovered the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and had to be taken out through D&C. It's such a scary journey -- this one I'm (and lots of other women are) on -- and it's one filled with more questions than answers, more doubts than guarantees and riddled with physical, emotional and mental strain-- both on you and your marriage. Science is only one part of it. That's the part people who are spared from this usually know about. All the other tests -- tests of love, tests of faith, tests of priorities, among others -- comprise the other unspoken and unseen ones. They can be much, much harder to navigate; sometimes it's hard not to think maybe this quest is starting to take on a cost you are not be willing to bear.
Great book by a great writer, who bravely shed light on such a difficult topic. Reminds me of this woman I met a few weeks ago during a session on fertility fitness. She suggested us starting a support group about infertility, as she shares my feelings about how isolating this journey tends to be. Maybe I should give her a call....
Friday, January 24, 2014
52-week challenge, put to better use
OK, so I started the year embarking on this 52-week challenge where you save a certain bit of money every month and hopefully, you keep at it so that by the end of the year, you discover you have successfully put away a significant amount of cash.
I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.
This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.
So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.
It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?
Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.
Happy weekend!
I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.
This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.
So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.
It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?
Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.
Happy weekend!
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
:)
"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing,and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble
Monday, January 06, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Letting Go
That's the best way I can describe this 2013. This has been a year of letting go, letting God, and letting be.
Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...
For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.
We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.
So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.
That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)
Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...
For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.
We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.
So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.
That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)
Friday, December 20, 2013
Viral exanthem and an unexpected long holiday
Atty contracted a nasty viral fever and rash combo last week (Dec 12) and it resulted to an unexpectedly long holiday for us. While I wouldn't want him to get sick anytime of year, I'm grateful it happened during this time when work really winds down anyway and he can rest at home without compromising his work commitments and requirements. And since I was already on leave, liquidating my unused 2013 days off, I was able to care for him without feeling guilty about missing work or leaving my boss hanging. So I guess there's not much to complain about. Being stuck at home for days and days also felt like a mini holiday, plus with the horrendous traffic outside, it wasn't so bad at all to be cooped up inside.
And the good thing is, according to the doctor yesterday, his rashes should fully clear up by the 22nd or 23rd, just in time for Christmas! Woohoo!
So, the end of 2013 looms nearer and nearer. Time for my annual reflection post. Will put it together in the next few days, along with our yearly FILC survey :)
Thursday, November 28, 2013
So apparently....
1. We have an infection again. This time, the doctor assured us these are "post-party" organisms and can be expected to show up after the bigwigs are deado. So in a way, it's an improvement. Sort of.
Dennis is really so much steadier and more level-headed than me. I was initially feeling dejected by the news but he assured me it was okay and we're just not meant to finish by 2013. Okay...... Fine.....
2. My progesterone and estradiol levels post-ovulation may be within normal range but are sub-optimal. This means that to satisfy our objectives, I need to be hitting the upper portion of the range. And my results, sadly, fall more on the lower side. Another big sigh.
Not much can be done on this end though, apart from acupuncture. I am too scared to be tampering with hormones.
So there. A little update on our baby-wishing quest.
Haha! Listen to me. I better switch on the positive mood before the weekend kicks in!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
PARASOL
The business is up! Moving slower than I would have wanted, but my business partners and I are all fulltime professionals, so it's also expected. But finally, it's up, and hopefully it works out! Please support! :)
We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967
:)
We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967
:)
Monday, November 11, 2013
Heart
So, I took a hysterosalpingogram last Saturday in Makati Med. A bit of a backgrounder, back in Feb 2012, when I first went to see a fertility specialist, I was told that one of the first steps in determining what I'll need to do in fertility work-ups is to get my fallopian tubes tested, to see if they are patent (meaning they are open and there are no obstructions for egg meeting the sperm). There are 2 ways to go about this: doing it via sono (meaning an ultrasound probe goes inside along with a catheter through which water will pass) or via hystero (meaning an x-ray procedure where a dye is pushed up via catheter). The good thing with the latter is it gives the OB an aerial shot of your uterus and tubes, and be able to see much more than a sono does. The bad thing with it is it's much more costly than the sono and if your doctor doesn't suspect any uterine abnormality like fibroids or endometriosis, then the sono can do. Back then, we decided on the sono, since we were still very optimistic that it will only take a few months before we successfully get pregnant and because our doctor then said it should be good enough.
Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).
So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.
So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.
After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.
To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.
Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.
My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.
As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.
So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.
Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.
Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.
I'm ranting.
OK, back to work.
Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).
So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.
So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.
After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.
To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.
Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.
My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.
As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.
So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.
Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.
Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.
I'm ranting.
OK, back to work.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Bittersweet dream
I had a dream the other day. Dennis and I were together in the bathroom (I know, weird right? But continue reading, this won't be a TMI post), and I was about to take a pregnancy test. We both watched as the liquid slowly went up to the testing window of the small plastic panel, and revealed two dark lines. Positive, in other words. I remember the feeling of bliss, joy, elation, happiness and all other words synonymous to pure happiness so vividly, I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. The feeling still felt so so so so real hours and days after that morning. I hadn't experienced anything like that before -- that kind of unadulterated, almost out-of-body sense of pure happiness, and it was unlike any pain I've also ever felt in my entire life.
OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.
As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.
OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.
As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Busy-bored
Realized something yesterday. While this line of work is very busy (busier in some ways than my previous job, because it covers 3 separate companies and involves shadowing a very busy man), I am also tremendously bored by it. As in I-can-fall-asleep-as-I-talk-or-think-about-it bored.
This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.
You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?
Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.
Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.
This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.
You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?
Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.
Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Thoughts
Okay, so everyone knows I'm about as corporate as they come, and while there have been some low points in my career so far, I need to remind myself that, for the most part, I have been extremely blessed. Probably 90% of my 10 years of working have been good- and the 10% that haven't been tiptop good were, at the very least, bearable. I've had only good bosses in my working life so far -- mentors that have made me learn & grow, not just slave away and work at their mercy. I have been financially and intellectually rewarded, and have handled some really good people as subordinates.
However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.
It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.
I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.
So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p
Thanks for reading!
However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.
It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.
I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.
So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p
Thanks for reading!
Friday, September 06, 2013
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