one trip down, another one to go

Just got back from a pilgrimage in China. For some reason, even if my family goes every year, I get amazed each time I land on that oriental piece of soil. As this province we went to is as rural as rural can possibly get, the city gal in me just can't help but get disoriented everytime.

I imagine, what if my grandpa didn't make it out of China? I would've grown up in that place, had grown up as unrefined and "in the rough" as all the other girls there.... I would think a clean comfort room is an impossibility and that releasing one's mucus onto the street is as normal as anything. I would think shaving under my arms is a strange thing to do and I would think screaming is the normal way of conversing with people.

It's strange-- I grew up being told that I'm Chinese-- who happens to be born in the Philippines. Granted, my Chinese upbringing has pretty much dictated the way I'm wired-- I find more comfort in Chinese medicine, prefer Chinese food to anything else, go pretty much with the Chinese way of thinking... Just like anyone who prefers to stick to the familiar, I spent my first 16 years of life being at ease with Chinese people and Chinese people only.

However, my college years adjusted that. I learned to associate with the non-Chinese, embrace other cultures apart from my own and find beauty in the unfamiliar. Someone once told me, don't you feel like you're really Filipino-- who just happens to be born into a Chinese family?

After some thought, I came to a conclusion. Why does it have to be one or the other? Why does one have to be the overall definition of who I am, and the other cast aside as a mere incidental, as a small coincidence? When, really, both cultures-- Filipino and Chinese-- make up the person I am today. It's these two parts that make up the whole that is me. Granted, there are times (most of the time, actually) that I feel more Chinese than Filipino, but if I were to be really honest, there are also times when the Filipino in me overrides the Chinese too. Who says these two things have to be mutually exclusive anyway? If they were, I'd be a very confused individual right now :P

Oh, on a small note: Seems like I have premature arthritis. It came as a shocker to me, because I always thought the big A was something that afflicted the elderly. But, oh well, the doc gave me some pills to take and told me to give a status report when I get back from Honolulu. Oh well.

OK, this oldie is signing off na! Time to cram in as much work as can possibly be done today, because I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow! :)

filc days again?! :)

It's nice to hope that there will come a time when FILC days can be replicated.... here naman in my current place of work. It would be nice to have my girls here working at the same place I do... This place can then feel more like home and like a safe haven... :)

Maybe one day, who knows...

a house of cards

We spent the entire weekend talking about this idea of going-away.. of his going-away... of his going somewhere far away from me, where his luck might be lying, waiting for him... of him going and taking that luck as far as it brings him, then coming home to get me so we can have the life we envisioned together... He talked about sacrifice, about the idea of foregoing the present so we can have a good future...

I had so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even begin to start detailing the why's and the why not's. I don't want to stand in the way of a potentially bright future, especially of someone whom I care so much.. and someone whom I know deserves it more than anyone else in this world. Yet, how can I ever stand going day after day without you here with me? How do I go about my daily life and fill the void you will inevitably cause... and how on earth will I ever stop myself from feeling like you left me here... like you left me behind.... and hold on to the promise that you will come back for me?

It's still an idea far far away in the future.. at least I hope so. I know this kind of thing takes a long time to get done, and I sure hope that the process stays that way. Because until I've figured out how to get used to walking down life's road without you beside me, I pray you never let go of my hand. I pray you never have to leave until I'm ready to see you go. A moment too soon and I'm afraid I'll fall apart like a house of cards.

my lucky's

For some reason, I have such an addiction for Lucky magazines. Ever since the first time I went through one while getting a foot spa, I loved Lucky mags. Every new issue is packed full of clothes, shoes, bags and everything shopping-related... and even if most (if not all) of the stuff is beyond my reach (both in terms of affordability and availability), I can't help but get excited everytime I crank open a brand new issue. My eyes gloss over and get all glittery with all the eye candy inside---



What can I say... when you love it, you love it :P

hawaiiiiiiiii!!!!

One of the perks of this job is the travel... Oh, I looooove travelling! :P

And 2 weeks from now, this job takes me to.... HAWAII! A week of glorious glorious Hawaiian sun. Who cares if I'm supposed to be there to attend a convention?! There's always time to sneak in a few sunshine rays and/or a shopping trip here and there....

Super cool! I'm so excited! Can barely wait....

Is it, is it??

Sometimes I don't know if I'm asking for too much.. Or if I'm asking for it all too soon... Maybe everything really happens in due time, if at all they're meant to happen. Maybe the more you're searching for something, the more you can't find it. Maybe you should just sit still, and somehow, good things will come and find you instead.

People have been known to surpass the odds and go beyond the initial cards life deals them.

Yet again, people have also been known to disappoint. Horribly and heartbreakingly.

I don't know.

online window-shopping

Recently discovered this blog, and I love it! It's so full of gorgeous & interesting bags that I often turn to it whenever I feel a shopping urge which MUST be contained. Hehehehe.

Check it out: http://www.purseuing.com

......

My ultimate fear and what would be the greatest failure in my life is being unworthy of you. You're offering me your everything, yet I don't know why it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I'd rather sound cruel than be a liar.

I'm scared to death to find out that, in the end, this beautiful thing we have will die not because of what you don't have, but what I can't give. Contrary to what you think, it's my own limitations, my own weaknesses and my own cowardice that's keeping us apart this way.

How's that possible-- I know I can't lose you, yet I don't know how to keep you. Maybe my problem really stems from focusing on what I'll lose, rather than on what I'll be gaining at its cost.

Postscript: When all in the world seems to look wrong and you feel like your insides are being torn up to shreds and you dread looking at yourself in the mirror in case you'll see someone you never wanted to end up being, it sure does feel good to have real friends you can depend on, who will take the time to listen to your ramblings, despite running only on a couple hours' sleep, and who will not judge you, no matter how despicably you judge yourself. It may not solve the problem or take your troubles away, but it sure does make you feel less alone. Especially on days when you feel so damn crappy, you can barely keep your head above water. Thanks, friends, your support is my lifeline.

teaching assistant

In a twist of life, I've somehow found myself in a weird position. For 2nd sem of SY 2006-2007, yours truly shall be the teaching assistant of Mr. Bong Mojica, who will teach the class Brand Management to UA&P IMC seniors, who incidentally also happens to be my boss here at SMART.

Ultimately, it's a non-paying job that will expose me to additional hours with my boss outside of the work setting. Great. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing... :P

obsession, compulsion and me....

I don't know what's wrong with me----

1. I seem to have an obsession with shopping and a compulsion towards parting with money. Despite a resolution to lay off the clothing/shoes/bags acquisition binge I've been on for the longest time, I found myself with new stuff again this weekend. Got a cute cute dress at Topshop and new shoes from Chocolate and a new book from Powerbooks. And on top of that, I'm looking forward to the sale at New World and the book fair this coming weekend. Hay... I should find a cheaper hobby to occupy my energies with...

2. I've never been one to envy other people. This stems mainly from the fact that I've led a pretty privileged life since birth. I've never had to go without, so there was never really a good reason to be jealous of someone else's life. My parents taught me to be thankful and to never be presumptious as to feel entitled to something I don't have, simply because God has already given me so much.... Despite all that and despite myself, I couldn't help but feel jealous of the ease with which some people crossed over to the next stage in life called marriage. I couldn't help but envy the way that things just happened for them or the way that everything just fall on their laps. They go from dream to reality with just a snap of their fingers. They wake up with a house already purchased in their name or a honeymoon package to the Caribbean with their name on the tickets, appearing like magic, without them having to do anything but just be there to receive the bounty. On the other hand, I look at this wonderful man I'm with, and wonder why, of all people, he has to be the one to bear the burden of the future on his shoulders. Unlike most of his friends or people we know, he has the seemingly Herculean task of making something from nothing. He doesn't have any of the restbacks or fallbacks that most people we know have. He is feeling the pressure, I know, and he is trying his darnest. For that, I'm very very very proud of him. Though, in the same breath, I look at others and I can't help but envy.

Just a thought... If you envy on behalf of someone else, does that count?!

Tsk tsk, two evils: shopping and envy... must shake off these compulsions. Must, must, must....

presenting...

the new Sony VAIO FJ Series



Isn't it cute? :-p

not a wasted holiday

Unlike every other working person in the Philippines, I had a non-holiday weekend. Due to a pre-arranged seminar at AIM, I had to attend a lecture today instead of lounging around with my family. At first, admittedly, I dreaded it. Blasted international school--- they don't honor special holidays.

But, I was pleasantly surprised and won over by the very articulate, very enlightening marketing professors. Today proved not a total waste of a holiday after all! The topics were very interesting, and the insights were very valuable to a department such as yours which values niche markets more than the mass-based groups. Oh, and for the case-study workshop, we were even grouped with the people working for the arch-nemesis, and guess what, we were able to collaborate and come up with a collective answer to the problem! Who would've thought! :-p

Apart from the seminar (which continues onto tomorrow and Wednesday too), my weekend went really great. Saturday was spent exclusively in the company of my beau, with the evening filled with great food paired with great conversation by great company. I must admit, my boyfriend's friends are seriously starting to grow on me. I find that, underneath all the lawyering shit-shit, they're pretty cool! :)

Oh, and how can I forget-- Sunday. The day where I again spent more than I intended (which is PhP0.00) I ended up visiting Lori at the Rockwell Vintage Bazaar and instead of just showing support, I found myself leaving the venue 30 minutes later carrying 1 top and 3 pairs of shoes. So much for not shopping anymore :-p

The non-holiday weekend was ended with a flourish by a grand family dinner. Even if I gained 3 pounds post-celebration, I had lots of fun. I love my family, I love my beau, I love my job... What else can I ask for? :)

Oh, and my boss told me today that I can take a leave anytime I want this week or next week to make up for the holiday I spent working today. SWEET!

nice!

I like, I like, I like!

life lessons

Just doodling random thoughts---

Ang buhay, patibayan lang ng loob, patigasan lang ng mukha, at pagalingan lang ng diskarte.

1. Patibayan lang ng loob
Real life is not for the faint-hearted. Success is dependent on your resilience and your ability to take the hits and survive the blows, whether deserved or not, anticipated or not. What can help is the strength derived from a good family, a good set of friends, a good relationship with God, and a good sense of self. These are armors to protect you from setbacks and misfortune. Oh, and of course, a good upbringing is amunition so rare these days.

2. Patigasan lang ng mukha
This does not mean rudeness or thick-facedness in the crass, tactless way. This pertains to your ability to swallow your pride and resist the temptation of "face-saving" when doing what's right or when righting a wrong. It also refers to your ability to balance confidence with humility, and your adamant refusal to let yourself cross the line over to arrogance. For a swollen ego can blind you like you wouldn't believe.

3. Pagalingan lang ng diskarte
Life lessons are not learned from books nor are they obtained through lectures or sermons. Life is like a chess game where only strategy matters. You may have certain advantages gifted to you prior to the start of the race, like good looks, an established family or even a big fat inheritance. But once the race starts and the game is played, what will get you through the finish line is not any of the frills you donned, but the way you go through the hoops, jump through the hurdles and crawl through the maze. There's no hard-and-fast rule-- no set formula. There are a million ways to navigate through life, and no one holds the secret to the winning recipe. We all have to find it ourselves. Or get lost trying.

In that sense, life is fair.

=)

missed those banking halls for a little while there...

Earlier this week, an FGD happened to coincide with the day I decided to take some hours off from work, so I figured, I should join. Why not? The token pay was P800 and the topic was something I could discuss for hours. The point of discussion (or research, in this case) is related to my previous job, and given this background of mine, I had a wealth of inputs to give to anyone who'll listen.

The token pay was good-- hey, who wouldn't appreciate pocketing P800 for 2 hours of talking and giving your opinion?-- but more than that, I picked up a sense of nostalgia towards my old job. It was not enough of a nostalgic sense to want to go back but just a warm feeling of appreciation for my first professional pitstop. That place, for all its limitations & faults, was a good one to learn the basics and grow corporate legs in. I appreciate it all the more vis-a-vis by my current work, because without that initial exposure to corporate life, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground running in this place. I'd probably be eaten alive by the politics, scared shitless and unsure of the when, where, how or why.

Just wanted to say thank you. To the people filling up those hallowed banking halls. Spending my professional infancy in your care is proving to be the best move to set-off my career. You're such an underrelated corporate launching-pad. I don't think I ever appreciated you this much. It's true what they say-- hindsight is always 20-20.

Well, better late than never :)

more prayers needed

My dear friend, I will continue to pray for your brother. He's in my nightly prayers ever since the accident happened. I know things look dim right now and the doctors' diagnosis looks bad, but keep up your faith-- people defy the odds and prove doctors wrong all the time. I know he'll pull through, I just know it.

To everyone viewing this page, please please pray for Remington Siy's speedy recovery.

working smart vs working at smart

Just found out that a friend's business grosses 500k a month-- about 6M a year. It's divided among her and her two partners, sure, and they mostly bankroll it back to their business as working capital, but still.. that's still a lot better than her current paycheck. The long-term promise of this is also better than staying in the corporate world. At least her business will always be hers; it will never fire her or treat her badly.

My gosh, if I re-channel all my work-related efforts towards setting up a business and managing it, I can very well gross that much too and be able to have more free time for myself. Hmm...

That little discovery has jumpstarted my desire to be entrepreneurial. I'll rehash the research work I've compiled thus-far on setting up a little business establishment. Let's see where this goes this time.. :)

growing up at the speed of light

The past week was composed of the following: one baby shower, one bridal shower, one baptism and one hecka shopping trip hunting down gifts for the three events mentioned above. I can't believe how fast life is going for these friends of mine. On top of these three, I have three more who are getting married in the next 12 months, and one who's seriously considering/discussing the prospect with her significant other, and two who're worrying about the feasibility of their ever-getting-hitched before 2008.

As I said, life is speeding by really fast. Looking at people in my age range taking the plunge of married life and taking the even deeper plunge of babyhood, I can't help but feel totally unready. I'm not mature enough to even qualify as a wife, much less a mommy. I have things I have yet to achieve, milestones I have yet to land, before I can even attempt to think about the long-term. I know I've found the man I want to be with forever, but I just can't see even a vague timeline in my head. I know it's easy to claim a date or a year to make that big jump, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there. Much like any big project, there are mini-projects to accomplish in the short and middle term, all of which I doubt my capacity and ability to tackle on. It's easy to say "I'll be married by this time" or "I'll start a family by this time", but how does one ever know if she's ready? Being "married" is not just a label; it's a reality. And it's a touch-move. Once you've made it, you've gotta live it. Don't like it much? Suck it up. There's no replay and rewind with this one. I'd hate to wake up one day and think "what the f*ck did I get myself into?"

There's no hurry, I know. But part of me thinks these things must already be considered, lest I get sidetracked completely and lose sight of the end-goal, daunting as it may seem right now. I do want to be married; I do want to have kids. That much I know. When and how exactly I'm gonna get there are TBA.

Hay, I don't know! Bahala na!

promoted!

I didn't think it would actually happen this early. As a friend warned me, in this company, it's rare to have people promoted upon regularization. Given the level of politics that's at play within these halls, it's challenging to rise one-rung up without jumping through unbelievably fiery hoops.

But it did. It happened!

I was promoted yesterday. Not totally unprecedented, as my boss said, but very rare. So I should be proud.

I am. But more than that, I'm just deliriously happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.