Post-it!

Found this to be an interesting read. Parking it here for reference --

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4466210

Decision on teaching

Lest you think all I think about now is my little bub, well, you're only 20% wrong! Hahaha! While I do try my best to not think about it all the time, it's still sitting somewhere else in my brain whenever I do think of something else. Aaaahwell, who can blame me? Anyway, the other 20% of the time, I do get to dwell on different topics, such as.... Teaching!

I've been asked again to teach this year. I do miss it, and I do want to go back to it. But at the same time, my Saturday afternoons have been occupied by acupuncture sessions and the only way for me to accomodate it in my sched is to do it on Sat morning. 

Dennis says to decline them again this year because he doesn't want me to get tired or stressed or both on Saturdays when I should enjoy it as a respite from the stressball that is TV5. I guess he has a point. 

So sorry again, alma mater! Maybe next year! :)

Stork Chase: the waiting game

So we're now officially in the 12-day wait to know the verdict of the IVF cycle. I decided to take the time off from work because I didn't want any what-ifs and regrets. I want to know and be able to tell myself that I gave this the best possible shot. I'm just not used to not doing anything, haha! So I'm getting restless already and it's only the second day. Haha!

Boredom aside, I was struck by a thought a while ago while strolling around the mall after my friends had gone back to work. No matter what the outcome, I already love this little speck of white inside my uterus. I may still feel a bit funny referring to myself as pregnant, but I do feel that this is *my baby* inside me already. It feels so real this early, and I feel as much love and protectiveness over this little white speck, even if implantation hasn't started yet and I'm still 10 days away from confirmation, as I would when day 12 comes. I don't know if that makes sense but at this point, I feel lucky to have this advance knowledge that this little bub is already around. If this was a natural conception, I would not be aware of the little white speck until I miss my period in about 2 weeks. But because we did IVF, I have been fully aware of its existence and been able to love it *this* early. May sound odd to those who've never gone through infertility. But that's how I feel now and I doubt that will change. I had that thought because I caught myself *talking* to it, encouraging bubby to keep growing and to please latch on strongly later. I love it already. I don't know what else to use to describe this feeling. 

So while waiting may not be something I welcome, I would gladly go through it. Waiting, praying, waiting, praying. All for you, little speck of love. 

PUPO

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. 

That's the lingo used among infertility circles that describe the stage after embryo transfer but before the beta hCg blood test that confirms a successful implantation. I'm sure it's by no means a medical term but infertile chatrooms use it to pertain to this precarious state. You're partially successful yet you are one critical step away from really calling it a cycle that worked. It's quite funny, how infertiles have created such grey areas where there are none among those who can naturally conceive. Oh well. Such is how this condition goes. And really, I'm very thankful to have gotten this far and remain very optimistic that we'll ride the rest of the way smoothly and cross fingers, successfully. 

So that's where I am now -- PUPO. We were up at 8am this morning, after an anxious sleep because we didn't know what we'll hear at the other end when we called to check on our embryo's progress. 

So at 8:08am, we called Kato and after verifying my identity (as I mentioned, this clinic is very strict with this), the embryologist informed us that yes, we have a 6-cell Grade 1 embryo and I can come in at 10am this morning to have the transfer. 

You cannot imagine our happiness upon hearing this news. Our embryo is developing well! Dennis cried tears of joy, which I didn't expect because he would so often be the stronger one in our pair. Upon seeing his tears, I cried as well. So much relief and so much joy in hearing the first confirmation that, no matter how this turns out, our little bub was growing well. 

So off we went at 9:45, and after vital signs were taken, I was led to the operating room for the procedure. It was explained to me there that by then, the Grade 1 embryo had changed classification into Grade 3, most likely because the 6-cells have begun another round of division. You see, in IVF, embryos are graded from 1-4 with 1 being the highest. 1 means that the cells are dividing into equal parts and there is no fragmentation (breaking up of cells). At this point, I worried a bit but then decided to lift it all up. We'vereached this   point and this group of dividing cells is *my baby*, no matter what the medical field may call it. 

So after some cleaning, they showed me the embryo being fed into the catether by the embryologist. Then it was handed to the doctor to be inserted through my cervix and into my uterus. I got to watch the monitor and witness the whole thing, live. It was very surreal and high-techy. The wonders of science. If phones were allowed, I would've taken a video :p

After the catether released the embryo, they took a screen shot and gave me a printout. Here it is -

That little white dot on the left is it! The little ball of cells that hold all my love. Hi there, little bub. Please stick and hold on! We will have a good ride together, I promise :) 

After, I was told to rest for 15 minutes then I was released and given post-op instructions. Our next visit will be on May 26 where I'll do the blood test. In the meantime, I am to take all this 3x a day -

No problem! I can do all that and more, to help make my little bub stick and hold on. 

I've also taken the time off from work, to avoid mental stress and unnecessary exersion. In fact, bedrest is not necessary and may not be very good for blood flow. But stress is never a good factor, so I'm lying low for a while. 

We may go off for a short out-of-town break next week though. To help pass the time and to help me relax more. 

So there. Wish me good health these next 12 days and for our little love to stick to mommy! Prayers please! :)

This *is* it!

Yes, the egg retrieval happened today! What an experience! 

So off we went to Kato at 8am this morning, after following the care instructions they gave me for last weekend which involved 3 rounds of nasal sprays containing some ovulation-a activating agent plus taking ibuprofen to sort of make the egg follicle stay in place and not burst. It's a delicate dance between immature follicle that won't fertilize and a mature follicle that's fertilization-feasible but needs to be extracted at the right time, I was told. And that's why some natural-ivf cycles get cancelled -- when the egg isn't caught in time or punctured / extracted prematurely. 

So all weekend long, that's what I prayed for and thought about. Channeling positive vibes, I would often "talk" to my egg and tell it to stay in place until Monday. On Sunday night, I had a fitful sleep because I was so excited for the procedure the following morning. 

So off we went at 7:45am to head over to Enterprise. As advised, I did not apply anything to my body that might carry chemicals, like deodorant (I know...), makeup, perfume, etc. Apparently, eggs are susceptible to chemicals. I even had to take off my nail polish the day before. I didn't mind though. At this point, that's a non-issue and doesn't even count as a sacrifice. 

When we got there, the nurses were expecting me already and guided me to my assigned bed in the recovery room. I was instructed to change into the lab gown and unload my bladder, put my hair in a net and wait to be collected. The nurse came by after a few minutes to get my vital signs, then she led me to the operating room. 

I was so impressed with their SOP particularly with the repeated verification of my identity (which if you're familiar with mistaken identities when it comes to assisted reproductive techniques, you will find great comfort in their insistence in making sure you are who you say you are and that your samples are labelled correctly and checked and read carefully every time it's touched) and the full disclosure of what to expect before something is done to you. The operating chair was also pretty high-tech, very Japanese. The stirrups were leather and hence not metallic and cold, complete with velcro straps that can hold your legs in place and minimize involuntary movements that may jeopardize the procedure. There was also a screen to my left and my right, which gave me full view of whatever is being done. 

The doctor then asked me, after inserting the speculum, cleaning me and inserting the ultrasound wand, if I felt cramping the night before. I did feel some twinges but was hoping they were just usual pre-ovulatory signs. I suddenly felt nervous it may mean the follicle had burst. 

Next thing I knew, the extraction was being done quickly and being explained to me as I was led to look at the left screen. The doctor explained to me afterwards that when we started, the follicle had already begun to burst. That's why she jumped to quick action and asked for the extraction needle right away. Thank God, and I know Buddha was watching over me, she managed to catch the egg that still lay inside the follicle, and hurray, it's a mature egg! Fully ripened! You can't imagine how happy I was! The embryologist again repeated my name, Kato patient number and birthday, then showed me through thescreen  the egg that was collected. Then it was over and I was led back to the recovery room. 

While alone in the recovery room, I couldn't help but cry with relief and joy. We had a mature egg, caught just in time! One step down, 2 to go!

After resting for about half an hour, I came out to wait for Dennis and then together, we waited for the embryologist to discuss our status. We waited about an hour which they warned us about beforehand, as this was the window needed to analyze the sperm sample. When we were called in, I was surprised to receive another set of good news -- our sperm sample was higher than the previous tests we've done. Count has gone up to 44m, from the usual 12-20M level that we're used to seeing. Motility was okay too and morphology, while still low, was workable. She recommended we do ICSI, given our results and we only had 1 egg to work with. After asking some questions on how they perform ICSI, we decided to go for it, trust the process and cross our fingers. After all, we've already gotten this far. 

After that, I was given some meds and instructions on what to do and not to do. We'll know by Wednesday morning if the fertilization went well and the embryo responded well, given the 2-day embryo criteria that they observe. Assuming our little bub is viable, they'll do the transfer to me on that day as well. That's the 2nd step to hurdle. I'm concentrating my prayers on that leg now. Bit by bit, with prayer and some good luck, hopefully, we'll get to the point we've worked so far to get to. 

Good vibes only! Til the next update, hopefully a good one! ;)

Isdizit?

I'm back at KATO, after being here just yesterday, because the doctor felt it may be *the* time to harvest my egg. Dennis and I are both excited and eager to get the process going. If today's ultrasound looks good, we may be looking at egg collection this weekend, then fertilization shortly after that, then fingers crossed that the embryo comes out strong, enough to be deemed worthwhile to transfer unto my uterus. That's all in just a short span of 2-3 days, then it will be about 10-12 days of waiting to see if the embryo implanted well. Please please please! We're both very optimistic and excited to start the process. Hopefully thisisit!!

Stork chase update and other stuff that's going on

So, I went to Kato again yesterday and did an ultrasound to monitor my ovulation. As mentioned before, we're doing a natural-cycle IVF so the first part is figuring out when my follicle for the month will mature and try to time the egg retrieval at the optimum time. Of course, part and parcel of that is making sure I'm healthy, eating well and doing things like acupuncture to make sure the egg is at its healthiest.

So off I went and the doctor tells me that my follicles look a bit on the small side still, this being Day 11 of my cycle. Since I usually have 30-day cycles, it looks like this will be another one of those and hence, we should see better 'egg action' by tomorrow, Thursday. Then she said it looks like, from her estimation, egg collection will be Saturday. This will also be the time when a sperm sample will be required and in-vitro fertilization will soon take place.

So far so good, in short. Not much activity yet.

Oh and I got my hormone test results back and while some values are on the low side, they're all normal. Whew.

Work, on the other hand, is getting really hectic. A big part of this is because of the bad shape that the company is in. It's been so draining being part of this and, while I want to help out my boss in every way I can, I also know I have my personal objectives and I don't want to overly stress myself out. Hayayay. So here I am considering maybe only taking 5-7 working days off, instead of the original 2 weeks I planned. Just because it seems like such a bad time to be out (then again, because the company is in such deep sh*t, is there ever going to be a good time to be out?!).

What to do, what to do...

Oh, and UA&P is knocking on my door again to teach this upcoming semester. On one hand, I really want to do it. I've missed teaching and it's such a good way for me to keep a balanced perspective about work.It allows me to do something I'm good at and I enjoy, and has no complications in the way that work always has. But on the other hand, I am also worried because it's still a big commitment and it's still pretty time-consuming.

What to do, what to do...

:-S

Shrinking fears

I am full of fear, I admit.

Reading this blog post made me realize it's natural, even 'right', to be feeling this way. Feeling fearful that the IVF may not work affirms that this is very important to me, and that the risks are far outweighed by the potential rewards.

Logging this here, so I don't forget --- that fears are natural, but they can be 'put in their place', that perspective is crucial in surviving this with my sanity and marriage intact, that this *is* hard, there's no shame in admitting that.

http://www.catchingrainbowsfertility.co.uk/2012/11/how-to-shrink-your-fears/

For future re-reading and re-reading and re-reading.

Chasing the Stork

So the (scientific) stork chase formally starts today. I will attempt to chronicle this experience, both so that I can look back on it (hopefully with positivity and gratitude) and so that it can help me sort through the mixed bag of emotions that accompany any fertility treatment. 

So we're here today at Kato, for the first step of the process, which is a Day-2 blood draw to see my hormone levels and an ultrasound to get baseline stats of my uterine lining. What makes Kato different from other fertility practices is they use a protocol in the administration and management of IVF, which means that they leave less things to chance than conventional practice. This doesn't mean they guarantee success but I guess the comfort is that you know your procedure is less dependent on the actual practitioner assigned to that particular procedure on a certain day, but more on the accomplishment of each step of a carefully designed protocol that took years in Japan to come up with. So the first of those steps is to come in the day after you get your period.  Hence we're here today. 

I had a fitful sleep last night imagining many scenarios, including both positive and negative outcomes. I guess thinking of the possibility of failing, then thinking of the next steps to take after that, is less about being pessimistic or not being positive enough... And more about self-preservation. Only those going through infertility know what this feels like - that self-defense mechanism inside you that comes from going through more heartbreaks and more "no"s than you thought you would need to. While you want a positive result, more than anything else in the world, you also know you need to be able to move on from failure. Because giving up is not an option. 

So here we are. Pray for us. Pray for a smooth road here in Kato and for a successful outcome. Please. 

Long update

(Warning: Long post)

As they say, we all have our own crosses to bear. I have accepted that this is ours, and I just pray for divine guidance and protection to ensure that everything will be okay in the end.

OK, to recap, my husband and I went to Taiwan last February, mainly for a vacation with his parents, but while we were there, I felt it prudent to visit the IVF clinic there and get some tests done. We were there already, after all, and it will only take one morning to get everything done. One thing I heard is that the clinic there has a 100X better magnification for their semen analysis and hopefully it sheds more light on why we have been unsuccessful in our attempts so far at natural conception.

So off we went to Mackay Memorial Hospital. It's a much smaller place than I imagined, and not exactly looking top-of-the-line, if you get my drift. Makati Med and St Lukes look so much better and much more 'high tech', but this place has the highest success rate in Asia, so maybe looks can be deceiving. We had our consult with the famous Dr Robert Lee, and had our blood tests done. Dennis also had his semen analysis done and then off we went to enjoy the rest of our trip.

Fast forward to two weeks later and I get an email on the results. The Taipei diagnosis for me is that I have fair ovarian reserve, which means I have egg quality and quantity that matches my age. That's good news. However, Dennis has oligoasthenoteratozoospermia. A mouthful to say, I know, but an even bigger mouthful to swallow and accept. Basically, it means sub-par sperm on all 3 counts (or 3 factors by which sperm is judged -- count, motility and morphology or the level of normal-form sperm VS abnormally-shaped).

His count was an 11, when the healthy minimum is 40 and the average fertile man has hundreds. Motility is 36% when the average is 40%. What really worried me was the morphology result -- he only got a 2% as per Kruger's criteria (a stringent criteria by which 'normal' sperm is judged. It's a highly strict criteria, so high that a result of 14% is treated as extremely good). I worry because morphology can be linked to chromosomal abnormalities, and I am fearful of what that may mean to our future child. Given his results, the Taipei clinic recommended IVF-ICSI to our case. This is a more aggressive form of IVF (yes, IVF has yet another MORE aggressive version than the test-tube one people are more familiar with, believe it or not) that has to do with injecting one single sperm into the egg. Essentially the clinic is recommending this because they feel the sperm is of a weak composition that it will likely not be able to penetrate the egg at all. So a form of additional 'manual help' is administered, with an embryologist picking out a sperm that to his eye, looks healthy and injects that into the egg. Poof! Off goes natural selection. No more 'may the strongest sperm win'. If we do this, our future child will not be the 'sperm that won' but the 'sperm that the embryologist chose'. There are a lot of risks here and a lot of choices to be made -- some I'm still trying to navigate through. I do not want to make a mistake. This is our baby we're talking about. Few other choices compare to this one in terms of significance.

Like any warm-blooded man, Dennis took the news quite badly. Seeing him so sad and dejected was enough to make me cry, but I resolved to stay strong because he couldn't and that's what marriage is all about. I resolved at the start of this journey that in no way will I allow infertility to hurt our marriage, and this was probably the toughest test yet. I told him, "how would you want me to feel if it was me that had the problem? Would you want me to be ashamed? Would you want me to feel undeserving of you and your love? Would you want me to be afraid that you will leave me because I am the reason we can't have a child? Would you want me to feel less of a person, less of a woman, less of a wife, just because of a physical weakness that I had nothing to do with? Take all your answers to those questions and apply them to yourself, because that's how I want you to feel." Deep inside, my heart was breaking, but I couldn't let him see that. I feel all the 'normal' emotions that someone in my shoes would, but I couldn't allow myself to show weakness, when he already felt the heavy brunt of it. It all feels so unfair, presenting options that I feel are risky in one way or another, and making choices that I know I will forever second-guess. It felt that way when the news hit and it still does, until now. I know that staying positive is key, but the reality is staying positive feels impossible sometimes, especially when you don't know the reason why this unfair thing happened to choose you and not someone else. Why bad things happen to good people. Why children are elusive to people who would make good parents yet are born all the time to people who are unready for them.

After some time, my husband, God bless his heart, came around and told me he is ready to support whatever choice I wanted to make. This is where another tough part lies. There are many options to consider and many research to wade through. People who know me well know how much of a nerd I am and how studious I am at knowing about things I want to know about. Obviously, this ranks at the top, and despite the amount of stuff I have read, most especially about the incremental risks of ICSI, I am still unsure of where to stand. On one hand, I want to choose the procedure that will work, but on the other hand, I know it's not just about the procedure that will get me pregnant, but the procedure that will likely yield us a healthy baby. I am so uneasy about the risks on the child, because my conscience keeps telling me it's unfair to expose a baby to additional risks that his peers are not subjected to, when it is me and his dad that are making the choices, not him. Yet, the price of these choices will be borne by him, not us. Does that make sense? It's one thing to toy around with my body, injecting hormones that may increase my risk for ovarian cancer, or taxing my ovaries to the point that they may explode (which is fatal, by the way). But all that is on me. It's another thing to expose a hapless, innocent child to risks that he may have to bear his whole life, to satisfy a maternal need in my heart.

So essentially these are the questions to be answered:
1. How do I want to ovulate?
Option A: Ovulate naturally. The clinic I'm looking to go to has an option of natural ovulation. They will not give me medicine to induce ovulation and will instead just monitor my normal cycle and aspirate (suck out, in short) the lone egg in my ovary once it has matured.

Option B: Ovulate with stimulation. This is close to the conventional IVF whereby I will be injected with medicine that will stimulate my ovaries to produce more than 1 egg. The conventional IVF done in St Lukes and Taiwan inject an irregularly huge amount of hormones. The clinic in Enterprise I'm considering only do it 'minimally', which means their aim is to yield about 2-3 eggs whereas the conventional method aims to get 10-20 or sometimes even 25 eggs. This is huge given that nature's version is only 1 per cycle.

2. How do I want to fertilize?
Option A: Conventional test-tube fertilization whereby the egg is placed on a dish then a concentrated solution of sperm is poured over it. This has less success rate than Option B below but is closer to nature, because the method still allows the best sperm to enter the egg. However, with Dennis' condition, the indication is that this method will likely fail.

Option B: ICSI or the injection of one lone sperm, which was selected by the human eye of an embryologist (tao lang, pwedeng magkamali) but carries a higher success rate. This is quite expected, because you eliminate issues about weak sperm and/or an egg with a covering layer that is thicker than normal, making it hard for a sperm (much less a weak sperm) to penetrate. While this has a higher rate of pregnancy, it has also shown higher (50% more!) risk of congenital defects, like vascular defect, cleft palate, and even learning disabilities. Scientists suspect that this higher level of risks (which are still considered small in relation to the total universe, like a 2% chance) is due to the fact that the weak sperm that otherwise would not be allowed by nature to fertilize an egg, managed to because of a syringe and manual intervention. Hence, a weaker sperm may carry defective genes that were allowed to perpetuate. Oh and there's also evidence that if the procedure yields a baby boy, that boy also carries the risk of being infertile. Yes, infertility can be genetic.

So there. Two options for two questions. Risks every way I turn. Risk of failure. Risk of something wrong. Risk everywhere.

I wish I can tell you (and myself) that there's a way to avoid risks completely. But unfortunately, in the world of IVF, risk is a necessary evil. There's always risk when you use science to deal with something that, once upon a time, only Mother Nature had jurisdiction over. Risk is part and parcel of the game -- it's the nature of the beast. The only thing I can do is to try to choose the route that gets us the result we want, at the least possible risk for my baby.

So where is that line? Where shall I draw the line on the sand?

You may say, so why even try IVF? Why not try naturally forever and see how that goes? My answer to that is because time is possibly the single, most valuable factor in fertility. Time affects egg quality. Time affects endometrium quality. Time affects many other fertility aspects. I don't want to wait and wait, only to find out there's nothing waiting for me at the end of this line. Also, while there are risks to IVF, especially IVF-ICSI, it's still minimal compared to the odds of having a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy baby. So while the risk is there, the reward is also very much there.

As I said, infertility is such a gray area, there's no use looking for the black and white. There are no guarantees in this.

So far, we've told ourselves we'll start the process in May. I have until then to decide what particular method to choose.

In other news, I informed my boss yesterday about my intention to do IVF and what that may mean for my work schedule. Specifically, I told him this means for sure that I will need to be on leave for two weeks in May. This also raises the possibility that the leave may be extended, depending on our outcome, or shortened, also depending on the outcome. There's really nothing definite I can commit to, because I am not in control of how this plays out. And I hoped with all my heart that he will stand with me as I faced this part of my personal life.

Sadly, I was disappointed. For a man I held in such high regard and for whom I made quite a number of sacrifices, I was left wanting. When I expected kindness, empathy and understanding, what I got was a reluctant okay, a mild threat and an order to 'think deeply about my career aspirations.' I was so surprised, and my innocence lost, because I thought he would come through for me the way I felt I always came through for him. To have the audacity to do otherwise was probably the biggest professional slap in the face (okay, not that dramatic, so maybe just a symbolic 'cold water splashed on my face') I have ever received. And if there was any ideas being entertained in my head before of "maybe I can try to manage this pregnancy quest with helping him push his corporate agenda, maybe I can make it work somehow, with some days I go to the office and some other days I stay home", that's now out the window. If you are not looking out for me, then there's no reason for me to do the same for you. In a way, it was liberating -- I now know there's nothing else I could have done. How dare he try to make me choose between him and my personal life -- and how dare he even think he can win in such a choice. Such arrogance.

So there. So much heartache, I tell you. So much more than I thought I could ever bear in my life. I have more questions than answers, more sources of disappointment than sources of hope, more fears than when I started walking this path. I just pray and hold on to my faith... and to my belief that after all this is done, in the end, good things will happen to good people.

Please pray for us.

Fuji is here!!!

Gratitude

Thank you.

WHAT IF

Watch:




http://vimeo.com/11214833

The Strange Familiar

This was my musical discovery for 2013. Particularly because of two songs. Love them both. I guess you can also guess why :p

Alibi --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJfy3kEa4hM

Courage Is --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA

Reading material... :p

http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

Some more updates if you'd like to hear them

OK, this is turning into an infertility blog, without any explicit intent for it to turn out like that. I guess it's unavoidable, infertility being the biggest battle of my life and the thing I think about on an almost daily basis. I'm not even sure who follow this blog, but I apologize in advance for the barrage of infertility issues discussed here. If you'd like to read more about my journey with it, then read on. If not, feel free to close this page.

Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.

Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.

The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!

But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.

Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.

The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/

So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Out with the old, in with the new! Last day of the Year of the Snake tomorrow. Be our lucky year, Year of the Horse!! 

Motherhoodwinked

It may be really early in the year to proclaim this but this book is perhaps the most remarkable book for me this year. 

I've never finished a book in under 2 hours before, and that's still with some parts reread for emphasis at that. This autobiography gripped me like nothing I've ever read before -- I saw myself in Anne's story, felt everything she felt and cried when she cried. She's right-- infertility is such a rarely-discussed topic and because of that, women suffering from it can feel so devastatingly alone and isolated. It's bad enough to have to cope with such overpowering emotions all the time -- anxiety, doubt, anger, disappointment, envy and fear -- it is even worse to have to bottle them up for fear of being misunderstood. 

I could relate to so many things she mentioned and went through. There were times I found myself nodding along or laughing out loud or just stopping -- because she had pointed out something I also felt or did but didn't quite notice. For instance, she talked about infertile women putting their lives on hold, not planning long-haul trips or making commitments months down the line, in consideration of the possibility of being pregnant. Life can tend to revolve around a future state, rather than being enjoyed at its current (though childless) glory. I can also relate to not shopping for clothes, or more often in my case not buying anything too formfitting or unstretchy like slacks, assuming it will be a waste because I'll eventually get pregnant and cannot wear them anymore. These adjustments, no matter how small, are peculiar to women dealing with infertility, and it's high time they see the light of day, because keeping them under wraps just make a hard situation unnecessarily tougher. 

I cried with her too as she went through the many let-downs and the journey through two rounds of IVF. I cried too, this time with joy as if I knew her personally as she discovered she was pregnant after the second try. I sobbed as well as she discovered the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and had to be taken out through D&C. It's such a scary journey -- this one I'm (and lots of other women are) on -- and it's one filled with more questions than answers, more doubts than guarantees and riddled with physical, emotional and mental strain-- both on you and your marriage. Science is only one part of it. That's the part people who are spared from this usually know about. All the other tests -- tests of love, tests of faith, tests of priorities, among others -- comprise the other unspoken and unseen ones. They can be much, much harder to navigate; sometimes it's hard not to think maybe this quest is starting to take on a cost you are not be willing to bear. 

Great book by a great writer, who bravely shed light on such a difficult topic. Reminds me of this woman I met a few weeks ago during a session on fertility fitness. She suggested us starting a support group about infertility, as she shares my feelings about how isolating this journey tends to be. Maybe I should give her a call....

52-week challenge, put to better use

OK, so I started the year embarking on this 52-week challenge where you save a certain bit of money every month and hopefully, you keep at it so that by the end of the year, you discover you have successfully put away a significant amount of cash.

I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.

This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.

So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.

It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?

Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.

Happy weekend!

:)

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up.  I guess it's half timing,and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life."  ~ Michael Buble