one trip down, another one to go

Just got back from a pilgrimage in China. For some reason, even if my family goes every year, I get amazed each time I land on that oriental piece of soil. As this province we went to is as rural as rural can possibly get, the city gal in me just can't help but get disoriented everytime.

I imagine, what if my grandpa didn't make it out of China? I would've grown up in that place, had grown up as unrefined and "in the rough" as all the other girls there.... I would think a clean comfort room is an impossibility and that releasing one's mucus onto the street is as normal as anything. I would think shaving under my arms is a strange thing to do and I would think screaming is the normal way of conversing with people.

It's strange-- I grew up being told that I'm Chinese-- who happens to be born in the Philippines. Granted, my Chinese upbringing has pretty much dictated the way I'm wired-- I find more comfort in Chinese medicine, prefer Chinese food to anything else, go pretty much with the Chinese way of thinking... Just like anyone who prefers to stick to the familiar, I spent my first 16 years of life being at ease with Chinese people and Chinese people only.

However, my college years adjusted that. I learned to associate with the non-Chinese, embrace other cultures apart from my own and find beauty in the unfamiliar. Someone once told me, don't you feel like you're really Filipino-- who just happens to be born into a Chinese family?

After some thought, I came to a conclusion. Why does it have to be one or the other? Why does one have to be the overall definition of who I am, and the other cast aside as a mere incidental, as a small coincidence? When, really, both cultures-- Filipino and Chinese-- make up the person I am today. It's these two parts that make up the whole that is me. Granted, there are times (most of the time, actually) that I feel more Chinese than Filipino, but if I were to be really honest, there are also times when the Filipino in me overrides the Chinese too. Who says these two things have to be mutually exclusive anyway? If they were, I'd be a very confused individual right now :P

Oh, on a small note: Seems like I have premature arthritis. It came as a shocker to me, because I always thought the big A was something that afflicted the elderly. But, oh well, the doc gave me some pills to take and told me to give a status report when I get back from Honolulu. Oh well.

OK, this oldie is signing off na! Time to cram in as much work as can possibly be done today, because I'm off to Hawaii tomorrow! :)

filc days again?! :)

It's nice to hope that there will come a time when FILC days can be replicated.... here naman in my current place of work. It would be nice to have my girls here working at the same place I do... This place can then feel more like home and like a safe haven... :)

Maybe one day, who knows...

a house of cards

We spent the entire weekend talking about this idea of going-away.. of his going-away... of his going somewhere far away from me, where his luck might be lying, waiting for him... of him going and taking that luck as far as it brings him, then coming home to get me so we can have the life we envisioned together... He talked about sacrifice, about the idea of foregoing the present so we can have a good future...

I had so many mixed feelings about it, I can't even begin to start detailing the why's and the why not's. I don't want to stand in the way of a potentially bright future, especially of someone whom I care so much.. and someone whom I know deserves it more than anyone else in this world. Yet, how can I ever stand going day after day without you here with me? How do I go about my daily life and fill the void you will inevitably cause... and how on earth will I ever stop myself from feeling like you left me here... like you left me behind.... and hold on to the promise that you will come back for me?

It's still an idea far far away in the future.. at least I hope so. I know this kind of thing takes a long time to get done, and I sure hope that the process stays that way. Because until I've figured out how to get used to walking down life's road without you beside me, I pray you never let go of my hand. I pray you never have to leave until I'm ready to see you go. A moment too soon and I'm afraid I'll fall apart like a house of cards.

my lucky's

For some reason, I have such an addiction for Lucky magazines. Ever since the first time I went through one while getting a foot spa, I loved Lucky mags. Every new issue is packed full of clothes, shoes, bags and everything shopping-related... and even if most (if not all) of the stuff is beyond my reach (both in terms of affordability and availability), I can't help but get excited everytime I crank open a brand new issue. My eyes gloss over and get all glittery with all the eye candy inside---



What can I say... when you love it, you love it :P

hawaiiiiiiiii!!!!

One of the perks of this job is the travel... Oh, I looooove travelling! :P

And 2 weeks from now, this job takes me to.... HAWAII! A week of glorious glorious Hawaiian sun. Who cares if I'm supposed to be there to attend a convention?! There's always time to sneak in a few sunshine rays and/or a shopping trip here and there....

Super cool! I'm so excited! Can barely wait....

Is it, is it??

Sometimes I don't know if I'm asking for too much.. Or if I'm asking for it all too soon... Maybe everything really happens in due time, if at all they're meant to happen. Maybe the more you're searching for something, the more you can't find it. Maybe you should just sit still, and somehow, good things will come and find you instead.

People have been known to surpass the odds and go beyond the initial cards life deals them.

Yet again, people have also been known to disappoint. Horribly and heartbreakingly.

I don't know.

online window-shopping

Recently discovered this blog, and I love it! It's so full of gorgeous & interesting bags that I often turn to it whenever I feel a shopping urge which MUST be contained. Hehehehe.

Check it out: http://www.purseuing.com

......

My ultimate fear and what would be the greatest failure in my life is being unworthy of you. You're offering me your everything, yet I don't know why it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I'd rather sound cruel than be a liar.

I'm scared to death to find out that, in the end, this beautiful thing we have will die not because of what you don't have, but what I can't give. Contrary to what you think, it's my own limitations, my own weaknesses and my own cowardice that's keeping us apart this way.

How's that possible-- I know I can't lose you, yet I don't know how to keep you. Maybe my problem really stems from focusing on what I'll lose, rather than on what I'll be gaining at its cost.

Postscript: When all in the world seems to look wrong and you feel like your insides are being torn up to shreds and you dread looking at yourself in the mirror in case you'll see someone you never wanted to end up being, it sure does feel good to have real friends you can depend on, who will take the time to listen to your ramblings, despite running only on a couple hours' sleep, and who will not judge you, no matter how despicably you judge yourself. It may not solve the problem or take your troubles away, but it sure does make you feel less alone. Especially on days when you feel so damn crappy, you can barely keep your head above water. Thanks, friends, your support is my lifeline.

teaching assistant

In a twist of life, I've somehow found myself in a weird position. For 2nd sem of SY 2006-2007, yours truly shall be the teaching assistant of Mr. Bong Mojica, who will teach the class Brand Management to UA&P IMC seniors, who incidentally also happens to be my boss here at SMART.

Ultimately, it's a non-paying job that will expose me to additional hours with my boss outside of the work setting. Great. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing... :P

obsession, compulsion and me....

I don't know what's wrong with me----

1. I seem to have an obsession with shopping and a compulsion towards parting with money. Despite a resolution to lay off the clothing/shoes/bags acquisition binge I've been on for the longest time, I found myself with new stuff again this weekend. Got a cute cute dress at Topshop and new shoes from Chocolate and a new book from Powerbooks. And on top of that, I'm looking forward to the sale at New World and the book fair this coming weekend. Hay... I should find a cheaper hobby to occupy my energies with...

2. I've never been one to envy other people. This stems mainly from the fact that I've led a pretty privileged life since birth. I've never had to go without, so there was never really a good reason to be jealous of someone else's life. My parents taught me to be thankful and to never be presumptious as to feel entitled to something I don't have, simply because God has already given me so much.... Despite all that and despite myself, I couldn't help but feel jealous of the ease with which some people crossed over to the next stage in life called marriage. I couldn't help but envy the way that things just happened for them or the way that everything just fall on their laps. They go from dream to reality with just a snap of their fingers. They wake up with a house already purchased in their name or a honeymoon package to the Caribbean with their name on the tickets, appearing like magic, without them having to do anything but just be there to receive the bounty. On the other hand, I look at this wonderful man I'm with, and wonder why, of all people, he has to be the one to bear the burden of the future on his shoulders. Unlike most of his friends or people we know, he has the seemingly Herculean task of making something from nothing. He doesn't have any of the restbacks or fallbacks that most people we know have. He is feeling the pressure, I know, and he is trying his darnest. For that, I'm very very very proud of him. Though, in the same breath, I look at others and I can't help but envy.

Just a thought... If you envy on behalf of someone else, does that count?!

Tsk tsk, two evils: shopping and envy... must shake off these compulsions. Must, must, must....

presenting...

the new Sony VAIO FJ Series



Isn't it cute? :-p

not a wasted holiday

Unlike every other working person in the Philippines, I had a non-holiday weekend. Due to a pre-arranged seminar at AIM, I had to attend a lecture today instead of lounging around with my family. At first, admittedly, I dreaded it. Blasted international school--- they don't honor special holidays.

But, I was pleasantly surprised and won over by the very articulate, very enlightening marketing professors. Today proved not a total waste of a holiday after all! The topics were very interesting, and the insights were very valuable to a department such as yours which values niche markets more than the mass-based groups. Oh, and for the case-study workshop, we were even grouped with the people working for the arch-nemesis, and guess what, we were able to collaborate and come up with a collective answer to the problem! Who would've thought! :-p

Apart from the seminar (which continues onto tomorrow and Wednesday too), my weekend went really great. Saturday was spent exclusively in the company of my beau, with the evening filled with great food paired with great conversation by great company. I must admit, my boyfriend's friends are seriously starting to grow on me. I find that, underneath all the lawyering shit-shit, they're pretty cool! :)

Oh, and how can I forget-- Sunday. The day where I again spent more than I intended (which is PhP0.00) I ended up visiting Lori at the Rockwell Vintage Bazaar and instead of just showing support, I found myself leaving the venue 30 minutes later carrying 1 top and 3 pairs of shoes. So much for not shopping anymore :-p

The non-holiday weekend was ended with a flourish by a grand family dinner. Even if I gained 3 pounds post-celebration, I had lots of fun. I love my family, I love my beau, I love my job... What else can I ask for? :)

Oh, and my boss told me today that I can take a leave anytime I want this week or next week to make up for the holiday I spent working today. SWEET!

nice!

I like, I like, I like!

life lessons

Just doodling random thoughts---

Ang buhay, patibayan lang ng loob, patigasan lang ng mukha, at pagalingan lang ng diskarte.

1. Patibayan lang ng loob
Real life is not for the faint-hearted. Success is dependent on your resilience and your ability to take the hits and survive the blows, whether deserved or not, anticipated or not. What can help is the strength derived from a good family, a good set of friends, a good relationship with God, and a good sense of self. These are armors to protect you from setbacks and misfortune. Oh, and of course, a good upbringing is amunition so rare these days.

2. Patigasan lang ng mukha
This does not mean rudeness or thick-facedness in the crass, tactless way. This pertains to your ability to swallow your pride and resist the temptation of "face-saving" when doing what's right or when righting a wrong. It also refers to your ability to balance confidence with humility, and your adamant refusal to let yourself cross the line over to arrogance. For a swollen ego can blind you like you wouldn't believe.

3. Pagalingan lang ng diskarte
Life lessons are not learned from books nor are they obtained through lectures or sermons. Life is like a chess game where only strategy matters. You may have certain advantages gifted to you prior to the start of the race, like good looks, an established family or even a big fat inheritance. But once the race starts and the game is played, what will get you through the finish line is not any of the frills you donned, but the way you go through the hoops, jump through the hurdles and crawl through the maze. There's no hard-and-fast rule-- no set formula. There are a million ways to navigate through life, and no one holds the secret to the winning recipe. We all have to find it ourselves. Or get lost trying.

In that sense, life is fair.

=)

missed those banking halls for a little while there...

Earlier this week, an FGD happened to coincide with the day I decided to take some hours off from work, so I figured, I should join. Why not? The token pay was P800 and the topic was something I could discuss for hours. The point of discussion (or research, in this case) is related to my previous job, and given this background of mine, I had a wealth of inputs to give to anyone who'll listen.

The token pay was good-- hey, who wouldn't appreciate pocketing P800 for 2 hours of talking and giving your opinion?-- but more than that, I picked up a sense of nostalgia towards my old job. It was not enough of a nostalgic sense to want to go back but just a warm feeling of appreciation for my first professional pitstop. That place, for all its limitations & faults, was a good one to learn the basics and grow corporate legs in. I appreciate it all the more vis-a-vis by my current work, because without that initial exposure to corporate life, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground running in this place. I'd probably be eaten alive by the politics, scared shitless and unsure of the when, where, how or why.

Just wanted to say thank you. To the people filling up those hallowed banking halls. Spending my professional infancy in your care is proving to be the best move to set-off my career. You're such an underrelated corporate launching-pad. I don't think I ever appreciated you this much. It's true what they say-- hindsight is always 20-20.

Well, better late than never :)

more prayers needed

My dear friend, I will continue to pray for your brother. He's in my nightly prayers ever since the accident happened. I know things look dim right now and the doctors' diagnosis looks bad, but keep up your faith-- people defy the odds and prove doctors wrong all the time. I know he'll pull through, I just know it.

To everyone viewing this page, please please pray for Remington Siy's speedy recovery.

working smart vs working at smart

Just found out that a friend's business grosses 500k a month-- about 6M a year. It's divided among her and her two partners, sure, and they mostly bankroll it back to their business as working capital, but still.. that's still a lot better than her current paycheck. The long-term promise of this is also better than staying in the corporate world. At least her business will always be hers; it will never fire her or treat her badly.

My gosh, if I re-channel all my work-related efforts towards setting up a business and managing it, I can very well gross that much too and be able to have more free time for myself. Hmm...

That little discovery has jumpstarted my desire to be entrepreneurial. I'll rehash the research work I've compiled thus-far on setting up a little business establishment. Let's see where this goes this time.. :)

growing up at the speed of light

The past week was composed of the following: one baby shower, one bridal shower, one baptism and one hecka shopping trip hunting down gifts for the three events mentioned above. I can't believe how fast life is going for these friends of mine. On top of these three, I have three more who are getting married in the next 12 months, and one who's seriously considering/discussing the prospect with her significant other, and two who're worrying about the feasibility of their ever-getting-hitched before 2008.

As I said, life is speeding by really fast. Looking at people in my age range taking the plunge of married life and taking the even deeper plunge of babyhood, I can't help but feel totally unready. I'm not mature enough to even qualify as a wife, much less a mommy. I have things I have yet to achieve, milestones I have yet to land, before I can even attempt to think about the long-term. I know I've found the man I want to be with forever, but I just can't see even a vague timeline in my head. I know it's easy to claim a date or a year to make that big jump, but I don't know how I'm gonna get there. Much like any big project, there are mini-projects to accomplish in the short and middle term, all of which I doubt my capacity and ability to tackle on. It's easy to say "I'll be married by this time" or "I'll start a family by this time", but how does one ever know if she's ready? Being "married" is not just a label; it's a reality. And it's a touch-move. Once you've made it, you've gotta live it. Don't like it much? Suck it up. There's no replay and rewind with this one. I'd hate to wake up one day and think "what the f*ck did I get myself into?"

There's no hurry, I know. But part of me thinks these things must already be considered, lest I get sidetracked completely and lose sight of the end-goal, daunting as it may seem right now. I do want to be married; I do want to have kids. That much I know. When and how exactly I'm gonna get there are TBA.

Hay, I don't know! Bahala na!

promoted!

I didn't think it would actually happen this early. As a friend warned me, in this company, it's rare to have people promoted upon regularization. Given the level of politics that's at play within these halls, it's challenging to rise one-rung up without jumping through unbelievably fiery hoops.

But it did. It happened!

I was promoted yesterday. Not totally unprecedented, as my boss said, but very rare. So I should be proud.

I am. But more than that, I'm just deliriously happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.

love, people, love!

A lot of people downplay attraction, intensity and passion in a relationship. A lot of reading materials and a lot of advice out there center on the security, practicality and compatibility in a relationship. They insist these things matter more, and that the stuff that makes your eyes glitter and your heart flutter is all fluff and nothing else.

I've never realized how much I disagree with that until now. I've seen people fall into relationships without that spark in their eyes or that spring in their step. I observe people around me who are with their partners only because it works or simply "Why not?" I'd like to challenge these people to ask "Why?" Why are you with this person and not another one? What makes you stay with him and not prefer to be alone? If he undergoes mid-life crisis 30 years from now, what's going to keep you from going insane living with him?

I think a relationship should always have that extra something. Because that extra something is what would carry you through a crisis, is what would bond you together in the face of adversity, is what would enable you to trust blindly in the face of doubt, is what would allow you to forgive transgressions and forget lapses in judgment. That extra something inspires loyalty, erases hurt, eases tension and preserves your relationship from the everyday wear-and-tear of life. It's what's gonna keep you from cheating or from taking him for granted. It's what gonna keep you together.

That extra something would fortify your relationship year on year and bridge your union from decade to decade. Friendship doesn't do that. Kilig or infatuation doesn't do that. Real love does. What commits you to the person and what spurs you to stand by that person as your lifelong partner isn't friendship, isn't compatibility, isn't practicality, isn't reason--- it's love.

I'm not saying forget rationality and go crazy with love. I'm just saying that let's not miss the entire point of being in a relationship. Love has been severely underrated, people. Sure, security is good-- no one likes to be left hungry or wandering the streets for money. Sure, compatibility is good-- you can't live with a messy person if you're extremely OC. Sure, practicality is good-- it's a little difficult to be with someone who lives in Mindanao. But you gotta remember what it all boils down to, what it's all supposed to be about. You've got to love that person. You're not supposed to say "I like his personality", not supposed to say "he's okay", and certainly not supposed to say "eh why not?" You're supposed to jump with joy and giddily acclaim "I love him!" If you're the shy type, you can just giddily whisper this to yourself and to God, I don't care. As long as you do. Otherwise, you're not just fooling the person you're with. You're robbing yourself of an experience, a gift and a treasure to last you a lifetime.

my birthday beau

My beau is now 27 years old. Hehehe. We celebrated yesterday by taking leaves from our respective jobs, and having a super-dragged-out lunch buffet at Spiral. Armed with my dad's privilege card that entitled us to 50% discount, we stuffed our faces silly of food, food and more food at the buffet spread at the Philippine Plaza. I don't remember eating that much in my entire life.... this year. Hehehe. Ooof-- the diet goes out the window.

We spent the rest of our day together walking the calories off and going baby-clothes shopping for an upcoming baptism and an upcoming baby shower this week. He complained about the heavy amount of walking usually associated with shopping with me, but it was just fake whining. He was happy, I could see. Nothing could break his mood yesterday. Not the rain, not the walking, not anything.

Mass and dinner with his family ensued. The happy and contented look on his face mirrored mine, which made our very simple birthday celebration even more perfect. We didn't have to do anything special or out-of-the-ordinary, yet the feeling you take away from the day is one of happiness. Of pure, unadulterated happiness.

If only every day is filled with as much love and happiness as the 17th of July, 2006:



I love you.

need your prayers...

Shoutout to everyone viewing this page:

My best friend Lianne's family needs your prayers. Her brother was in a terrible car accident last weekend on a road trip to Calgary. Though he's emerged from a successful operation which realigned his spine, the doctor's prognosis regarding lower body movement is dim. He's also still in the ICU, with machines helping him breathe. Please help us pray for him to recover quickly and be able to walk again. Hopefully, if we all pray loud enough and hard enough, Lord will heed us.

Life can change so drastically in a heartbeat. One moment, you're off to a vacation and you can't wait to unwind and relax. Then the next moment, your life is turned upside down and you find yourself in the middle of a tragedy. It pains me to know that my friend is in a lot of distress right now and there's not a lot I can do a million miles away but pray. I want to comfort her, hug her and assure her that everything will be okay. I want her to derive strength from me so she can face day after day with resolve & hope. Sure, the mobile phone is a good way to communicate and stay in touch with her, but nothing beats physical presence and face-to-face conversations. There's only so much comfort you can send through phone wires.

I've never known distance to be this frustrating.

How I wish I can be there with you right now.

a heartbreaking story

I have a friend who's been ready to be married since I'd met her two years ago. She's been with her boyfriend for 7 years now, and has been waiting so badly for him to take the plunge and propose to her already. She wanted to have kids already and was ready to settle down and give up her career to have a family.

February of this year, after much struggle with herself, she decided to sit him down and talk about their future: What's the plan? Am I part of your future, because if I'm not, tell me now and let me go.. let me go so I can be part of someone else's life. I deserve someone who'll go the distance for me.

Sadly, he replied with a feeble I'm just not ready and bargained with her to give him until the end of this year. My friend, who's loved this guy for so long that it's taken all her guts to even start that conversation, resignedly agreed. After all, what's another year after seven have already gone by? She hadn't for once questioned if his readiness is only a function of time. Or if it's the way things will always be. She loved him too much to question him further. She didn't know if she was ready for the truth. It's much easier to just wait for the other shoe to fall, whenever that may be.

Fast forward to 5 months later: Just a few days ago after a routine executive checkup, she found out that her once-very-healthy ovaries have suddenly become polycystic. And that it would be very difficult for her to concieve. It's unknown when or even if this condition would reverse itself. There is treatment available, but the outcome is not definite. Few women have come out of this situation pregnant.

After the initial shock wore off, she cried. She cried out of misery and frustration, angry at fate and angrier at herself for letting so much time pass. She was angry at fate for being so cruel-- if this is fate's way of telling her waiting for him to come around had been the wrong decision, if this is her punishment for putting someone else ahead of herself, then it's way too harsh, almost inhumane. As for her boyfriend, she couldn't even look at him straight in the eye after finding out, because a part of her blames him for his inaction. His indecision had ultimately cost her her long-standing dream of being a mom.

She looked at me with tear-strained eyes, asking me what she did wrong. She was angry at herself for putting her life on hold for a guy who may never ever be ready to be with her for the long haul. She had shelved her future to accommodate this person in her life, unwittingly throwing away her chances of ever having babies. And for what?

I realized, as I looked at her, that you can never really plan your life. Sure, you can plan your next vacation or the next color your room will be painted. But you cannot, sure as hell, plan the big things. This friend of mine enjoyed her youth to the max and scheduled when her life's milestones will happen. She got herself an MBA degree and a well-paying job to fund all her indulgences. She initially planned to get married around 25 or 26, but when her boyfriend seemed unready, she rescheduled marriage towards her late twenties. She told herself many women married late these days and, like them, she'd just start motherhood late and would still be able to catch up. Alas, she discovered, she's wrong. Heartbreakingly wrong. Her best-laid plans had failed her, as did her ovaries.

Who knew a woman's system could change at lightning speed? My friend cried buckets more as she reeled from the pain of realizing her body, as well as her entire life, wasn't totally in her control. Society has come to condition women to think that they can do whatever they want and be whomever they want to be, but really, ultimately, a higher and much stronger power is calling the shots.

My heart broke for her, as my ability to speak comforting words escaped me. What could I really say to make her feel better? She did postpone her future, but she did so because she loves this guy. Who was to know that this is the price she'll pay for that love? As for him, he's always struck me as a self-involved guy (not selfish, just self-involved).. the kind of person who has his hands full just taking care of himself. He's the kind of guy who'd never be able to make space for another person in his life, because it's taking up all his power & energy just to keep himself afloat. He's the kind of guy who's just not the marrying type. He loves her, make no mistake, but he will never be the man she needs him to be. He will not let her go, but he will not commit himself fully either. He's not evil-- just limited in that sense. And everyone has limitations. Who am I or my friend to judge?

It's not fair. And it's sad. It's too sad for words.

this is the real thing...

You know you have real friends when they defend you to the ground in front of anyone who dares attack your good name. You know you have real friends when they cry as you cry and they hurt as you hurt. Good times do not mark true friendships. It's the bad ones.

Real friends. They're rare, but once in a while, you chance upon them.

I thank my lucky stars for the real friends I have in my life.

relationships, relationships...

Relationships are complicated.

That's my conclusion from the various developments that arose today.

First, there is the work stuff. It's no big secret how big a factor politics is around here. I guess all companies have that, but this place is somethin' else, man. Grabe! All projects here not only have financial and marketing weight, they also have loads of political repurcussions. It may be entertaining at times, but it sure is fucking draining to contend with egos and personalities day in and day out. The big boss sat beside me today and advised me that the exposure I get here is training for the real world. Coming from this place, I can survive anywhere. I can even run for public office at this rate. Hahahaha!

Then there's romantic relationships. God knows how complicated those can be. When political relationships are based on power-juggling and influence-manuevering, romantic relationships are about emotions and the payback (or ROI, in marketing terms) of your emotional investment. Unrequited love sucks like day-old milk, and everyone's in a romantic relationship hoping, if not expecting, to be loved. True love must be unconditional, but that doesn't mean you have to be an unloved martyr. Let's face it, you're in the relationship because you expect something out of it-- requited love, earned trust, unwavering loyalty, unquestioning acceptance. If not for those things, why the hell would you even bother? I guess that's the reason behind the nasty name-calling, backbiting and blackmailing that characterizes a lot of breakups. You break my heart; you gotta pay.

OK, enough of all this relationship talk. I'm hungry. Time to meet up with my girls.

cool weekend

Sad to see that the weekend has passed, because I loved it!

Saturday was FILC lunch (minus Kaye :( but it's all right, she had a family thing). Though it was marked by an unfortunate development in the life of one of FILC's members, it was fun to be with girlfriends and talk about girl stuff. Even the confession was entertaining to discuss. I guess girls will always be girls, and this is stuff we'll only talk more about in the years to come.

After lunch with the girls is shopping and a splendid little dinner with my beau. Lovely, lovely! We went back to the venue of our first dinner date. It wasn't planned or anything, which made it extra-nice :)

Sunday was mass with my family, a super duper HUGE lunch at Sugi, then some more shopping. After walking around with tired feet, my beau and I treated ourselves to a little foot pampering. D was so cute, he fell asleep on the couch about 5 minutes into the treatment. Tuloy, he couldn't appreciate the massage to its entirety-- he missed most of it! Hahahaha! I, on the other hand, enjoyed every single minute. My feet were begging for some relief! :-p

The weekend was simple in the sense that I didn't really do anything extraordinary. But it was filled with all the people I love, and I can only ask for more weekends just like it for the rest of my life.

Side note: I SHOULD STOP SHOPPING & SPENDING MONEY. My wallet is suffering from intense, severe, chronic hemorhaging. (But, there's an upcoming Zara sale!) WAAAAH! Poverty is such an impediment to cultivating good fashion sense.

let's see the world

I only have one friend who not only has the passion for travel (as in, 100% real, honest-to-goodness love for seeing & exploring the world) but also has the resources to make her travel dreams a reality. She's definitely one of a kind! She not only loves the idea of trekking different places of planet Earth, she also loves meeting new people and living new cultures. And, clicking through the pics from her recent jaunts, I couldn't help but wish I could be like her--a true-blue globetrotter, who can pack up and leave for any destination the next day without any reservation for cost or danger, without anything holding her back (no one and nothing she'll miss too much) and without any qualms about dropping all notions of comfort and luxury.

I wish I could be like that, one day. For now, I live vicariously-- oh so vicariously!-- through her.

You go, girl. Conquer the world!

the shame letter

I know you will never get to read this... Ignorance is indeed bliss. I at least find absolution and relief in knowing none of this ever hurt you, because you never knew about it. It's actually the only reason I can forgive myself for this....

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry for two things.

1. I thought I was being the realistic and practical one for worrying about it the way I did. I thought I was just being responsible and grounded for focusing on the practical side of life, when really I've never been more deluded.

The reality is that when you love someone, you love them through and through. Completely. You don't cherry-pick only the parts that you like. Selectively loving is not loving at all.

It's not fair of me to pick and choose the good sides to you and then reject or resent the parts of your life that I do not want. When I choose a man, I have to be able to stand next to him-- and stand proudly at that.

And I know I love you, that's why I have to be honest-- I have yet to make peace with the parts of your life that are less than ideal. It's going to be a process, I know, but I will do it, because that's the only way I can do justice to this relationship.... and in fact, that's the only way I can prove to myself that I love you. That I accept you heart and soul-- both the good and the bad.

2. I'm also sorry for believing that some prophecy was more important and more indicative of this relationship's potential than what we've been through. I was wrong in letting some man's allegations and predictions precede what my heart tells me. Leafing through past emails to friends and past blog entries made me realize that. What we have is real, and that prophecy isn't. Whether it does foretell things to come is out of the question. It was stupid of me to think the fate of this relationship is anything but ours to create. Our story is ours, D. We write it. Nobody else. It develops and matures the way we let it; if it does end, it will end because we chose it to. Nobody else. Again, I was deluded enough to think otherwise.

I've been unfair and I'm sorry. I wronged you in ways so fundamental, I feel like the biggest fraud in the universe of girlfriendhood. I'm sorry. You love me more than anything in the world and you've done nothing but devote yourself to me every day that God creates. In return, the best assurance I can give is the promise to try-- to try to cherish you in all the ways I can, to make peace with all the baggage you come with and to stand by you through the peaks and valleys of life.

That's the best I can do for now, and the bittersweet part of this is I know you'll be okay with that. I revel at how nothing I do to you can ever be too wrong-- too unforgivably, irreparably wrong. You will never take all this against me, and I love you even more because of that.

And you know what, no matter how life turns out, I'll love you forever for that.

tell me how and i'll do it

If your feelings for someone seem so intertwined with his, how do you know where his love ends and yours begins? Does the way your love had come to life dictate how it's going to end?

If he hadn't knocked at your life so insistently, would you have opened the door and allowed a space in it for him? If he had turned and walked away at the initial no, would you have called him back? Or would you have gone on, none the wiser about what you missed?

.. and if the stars say he's not the one for you, how do you tell your heart you're wrong? How? How? How do you change what seems meant to be and make it adapt to the choices you've already made-- the same choices you want oh-so-desperately to hold on to? How do you twist the shape of fate into what you think it ought to be?

At times like this, I miss my best friend. I wish she were back here at home with me, and not miles and miles away.

guilty as charged

I'm guilty. I did it. I was wrong.

For the past few days, I've been terribly guilty of committing the crime of not appreciating the blessings I have. Particularly when it comes to this wonderful wonderful man who loves me more than life itself.

I've been wrong in seeing the shortcomings and focusing on what he doesn't have, instead of appreciating the good traits he has and the good things he brings into this relationship. No other person has given me so much security, so much love, so much faith and so much devotion. He would gladly take a bullet for me, would be honored to offer his life in exchange for mine and wouldn't hesitate to give up everything for me. He'll get me the world if I wanted it and would also let it all go, if I so wished.

Instead of always being thankful and always appreciating all this, I've been so unwise and so immature as to complain inwardly about the things he lacks, when, really, this relationship is so rich in the good stuff that love is made of. I'm the girl with the cake who's looking for the cherry on top.

Good thing, though, I wasn't so unwise as to verbalize those complaints and risk hurting this one angel in my life. Good thing, I wasn't that stupid.

Sigh...

I know better now, though. And I vow to always know better-- everyday of my life.

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lifestyle change

The halls of Smart are about to be transformed by the entry of our new boss today, who shall assume the role of marketing director. Contrary to his predecessors, this new boss times in at 7:30am, thereby adjusting the body clocks of everyone in the marketing department. Now, everyone has to time in at 9am!

Hahahaha! Today is his first day; hence also the first day of this new time-in policy. I came into work with a full-on headache, having been forced to wake up 2 hours earlier. About half of the floor felt the same way. The other half had really swollen eyes badly abused by excessive rubbing-away of sleep.

It was so funny. Our floor was full of life already at 10am, when it was meet-and-greet sessions with the new boss. However, now at about 2:30 in the afternoon, everyone's already low-batt.

HAHAHAHA! Oh well... This must be how little kids feel on the first day of class after being on vacation and sleeping-in for the longest time.

:-p

waaaaah! BLOOPER!

FUCK!!!

I can sooooo stab myself right now-- I can't believe how irresponsible and inconsiderate I was today!

OK, it all started two weeks ago when Dr. T called me to set up a breakfast date. He called later that day to move it to two weeks later, because another thing came up. So we set it up for Monday, May 29, 8:30am in Bizu Greenbelt. I had even jotted it down in my notepad at home, so I would be reminded on Sunday night to leave earlier than usual.

Fast forward to last night: I did not get the reminder, because the maid moved the notepad's location (previously easily within eyesight range when I get ready for work). So I went along my usual business today-- logging in at work at 10am, working all day long, getting home at 10pm, eating dinner, taking a shower...

While I was in the shower, BAM! It hit me like a tidal wave. FUCK!!! For a moment, I hoped that I had remembered the appointment wrong-- that it was supposed to be Tuesday (hence, tomorrow) and I did not just stand up the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences of UA&P who has to-date been nothing less than SUPERB to me.

No, no, no...

I hurriedly jumped out of the shower, covered myself in a towel, and ran with lightning speed across the room to look for that damn little notepad.

FUCK!

There it was: May 29, Monday, 8:30 at Bizu. Be there!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I flushed red with shame as I picked up my cellphone and called the first man I had stood up in my entire life.

"Doc! Kill me now! I'm soooo sorry!!!" was the start of my 5-minute apology. Hyperventilation, here I come!

As usual, he was very gracious about it, telling me not to worry, that he had used the time to work and that nothing was really to be sorry about. He tried to call me earlier this morning but my Globe line (he only has my Globe number) was out of reach.

AAAH! FUCK GLOBE! GLOBE SUCKS! I HATE GLOBE! GLOBE SUCKS! GO TO HELL, GLOBE!

So anyway, after apologizing profusely, we set another appointment -- for DINNER this time, and I gave him my Smart number, which, I said, I use all day, everyday, and NEVER LOSES SIGNAL!

I love Doc. He was super gracious about everything-- even made fun of me giving myself a heart attack (because I was near hysterical when apologizing). I mean, if I were him, I'd be pissed off.

Hay nako.... My face is fire-engine hot right now just recapping what happened. Waaah! KAKAHIYA!!

i love this song...

When You Know
Shawn Colvin


When You Know
That you know
Who you love
You can’t deny it
Or go back
Or give up
Or pretend
That you don’t buy it

When its clear this time
You’ve found the one
You never let him go
Cause you know
And you know
That you know

When you feel
In your skin
In your bones
And the hollows
Of your heart
There’s no way
You can wait
Till tomorrow

When there isn’t any
Doubt about it
Once you come this close
Cause you know
And you know
That you know

You can feel
Love's around you
Like the sky
Round the moon

This is how
Love has found you
Now you know
What to do

When you know
That you know
Who you need
You cant deny it
Or go back
Or give up
Or pretend
That you don’t buy it

When its clear this time
You’ve found the one
You’ll never let him go
Cause you know
And you know
That you know

And its time
You come in
From the cold

And you know
That you know

the stain in my little white sheet

Most days, I love working here. Judging from the workplaces I've seen in my short professional career thus-far, this by far offers the most extensive, most intensive marketing experience. In the span of time I've been here, I've never seen a more dynamic work environment. Things move so fast it makes your head spin. The pace not only hones your ability to adapt, it also sharpens your skill set in record time.

I love it here because it's real marketing, in real-time. The work is more than I can ever hope it to be. I wanted marketing, and I got it here.

The only blemish in this otherwise utopian place is the amount of social politics going on. There have been one too many times when I was shocked stiff by the intrigues and the pulitika going on. Coming from my old company, it was indeed a rude awakening-- to see the desperate lengths people go to protect their agenda, the backbiting and the mudslinging that would've put the showbiz scene to shame. I guess it's a slice of real life also-- it's part of the real world to contend against people who are willing to stab whomever and whatever necessary to get ahead. Style na bulok, I know, and it's just so sad to see that some people believe that the only way to get ahead is to abandon loyalties and con their way up.

And, I may be naive, but I find it really pathetic. It's pathetic because victory obtained through those means just seems so empty. That's truly no way to work (not to mention no way to live). How can you enjoy your title when you can't look at yourself in the mirror or sleep soundly at night? How can you truly relish your success when it was won at the expense of others? Wouldn't a clean conscience and a clean name be deemed as a worthier prize to covet?

However, I'm trying to be realistic with this too-- in the sense that I know I have to play this game, whether I like it or not. Playing this game does not mean stooping to their antics and jumping into the foray. For me, playing this game is just being careful and watching my own back-- knowing that in this dog-eat-dog world, nobody is ever truly my friend... and hope against hope that my gut will tell me when it's time to fight back, when it's time to back down, and when (hopefully it never happens) it's time to step out of this jungle because enough is enough.

No job is ever worth your integrity.

amazing cebu!

I'm back from amazing, amazing Cebu!

I love being on vacation. I did nothing but eat, sleep, swim, (a little) shopping, and just rest. I looooved our hotel and our 7,000-a-night room, which we paid nada for. There's nothing better than Cebuano lechon! I love it, I love it, I love it!

I can't believe I have to go back to work again tomorrow.. Back to the daily grind..

However, on the bright side, Doc Torralba called me this morning and asked me for a meeting. Hmm.. I smell an upcoming project in the horizon! :) Hope it's something exciting :)

calculated risk

I'm very amused with a friend of mine right now. As a backgrounder, she is what one would call a sigurista. She prefers to have a strong footing over a situation before putting one step forward into it. She's cautious with herself and guarded as to who gets real close. This is not to say, though, that she is untrusting or perpetually suspicious. It's just a sense of self-protective wariness that stems from not wanting to be hurt. A perfectly human thing.

I don't blame her. In fact, there are times I see myself in her, but there are also times when I wish I could have her strength. I admire her for her natural instinct of self-preservation. I admire how she's sure enough of herself to expect a level of quality in people and in situations that, when the gauge falls below the bar, she can walk away from whatever is being offered, knowing that she deserves more than that.

There have been times, I admit, that I didn't calculate risk as much as I should've. I ended up getting disappointed, hurt or angry-- more at myself than at another person. Pissed at myself for knowing I was worth more but succumbing anyway.

But this friend of mine currently finds herself at the cusp of something that has all the potential of being great. She's at the brink of having something that, not only has she never had before, she's always wanted. She's made enough security measures, that's for sure. Nothing less is expected of her. But as she faced me yesterday and asked me questions on how to know if something is real, or how long is long enough.. I couldn't help but laugh.

The thing is, when it comes to love and relationships, nothing is ever for sure. You can try everything in your power to stack up the odds in your favor. Calculate the risk, project the probability of failure, measure the length and breadth of his emotions, and all you'll end up with are logical conclusions which, in the final analysis, have no relation to love anyway. In the end, you just have to believe. Believe that you've seen all that can be seen, he's shown all that can be shown, and that the rest is simply a leap of faith. Know that there's a risk involved, but hey that's life, and nothing in life is worth having if it's not something you can lose.

You can win, you can fail. You can reap the rewards of your faith, or you can stumble and fall face-first into the puddle of your mistake. There's no guarantee you won't be lied to, you won't get hurt, you won't be left behind... But that's the beauty of it. There's no guarantee. Everything is up to you and him. It's about what you two make of this great possibility that lies before you.

The ultimate crime will be not trying.

cebu escapade

In spite of myself, I'm really looking forward to my upcoming vacation in Cebu this weekend. The flight and accomodations were free (long story how we got it), so Giselle and I are embarking on a three-day, two-night escapade this weekend.

And guess where we're staying....





Presenting Hilton Cebu Resort and Spa Hotel. It's a resort nestled right on a private beach in Lapu-Lapu City in Cebu. At first, when I saw the hotel confirmation sheet, I wasn't sure if it's gonna be a good place, since our benchmark was Mactan Shang... But after checking out their website... how cool does that look?! I was suddenly washed over with excitement and enthusiasm over this impending trip. I've been lamenting the fact that I haven't gone on vacation yet this summer season and the fear that the sunshiney season will come and go without me ever enjoying its benefits..... and then, this gift lands on my lap! How lucky is that? :)

Too bad lang that my beau won't be able to join us. For one thing, he can't take a leave on Friday. Another thing, if he comes with us, he'll be bunking alone, 'coz Gis and I are sharing a room... So oh well, next time nalang.

I can't wait to go on vacation!!!! :)

credit shmedit

I called HSBC earlier to inquire about the balance my credit card has racked up so far. It will be due sometime towards the end of this month na, and I have a feeling it will be bloated really really badly, so I was thinking of preparing already beforehand, i.e. making deductions from my two bi-monthly payslips to settle the amount.

When the digits were read out to me by their IVRS machine, I nearly fell off to the floor. P33,640!!! WTF?!?! I've never ever seen a figure that high on my credit card bill -- any bill with my name on it, for that matter.

Hay...

update!

The anniversary

Last Friday marked the 365th day I've been in this fun-filled and love-filled relationship. And I'm lovin' it.

To be honest, when we were first going out, I have to admit that the attraction wasn't instantaneous for me. Sure, I liked the attention (what girl doesn't?) and his persistence in doing everything and anything that would please me. But, learning from experience, much as these things are enjoyable (what girl minds being waited on hand-and-foot?), I reserved judgment until I could see something more substantial-- a sense of commitment and security, as well as a connection charged with enough potential that a good future is in sight. A lot of "now" and not enough "tomorrow" just strikes me as a total waste of time.

So time passed by, and we got to know each other a bit more. This stage is under-rated, in my opinion-- as this is the most crucial. What's more commonly known as ligaw shouldn't be misinterpreted as a period where the man proves himself to the girl. It's a mutual thing, I believe-- what's being tested is not one person's sincerity but the bond and connection between both parties.

In the end, it was the build-up of great dates, great conversations and the rolls and rolls of laughter that finally got me sold. Sure, he was very persistent in impressing upon me, his diligence and consistence in that effort, and his unrelenting desire to please me. But, more than anything else, it's the personality of this great great guy that did me in at the tailend.

So, here I am, one year of loving him and being with him..


and I'm lovin' it.

The new toy

After some difficulties in setting it up and getting used to it, my little new toy and I are finally getting along!


Welcome, Gladys, to the world of mobile music!

The new film

Just finished watching a new DVD-- another really dorky film, something only I would find so much interest in. I don't know exactly where the allure of this comes from, but I guess it's just because, deep down, I'm just ... a dork. A nerd.



Oblige me, please. It's a good film. :)

The new books

I have a new favorite author-- Jodi Picoult-- and a new favorite book:


Borrowing the synopsis written in her webpage, this book is about Anna, a young girl of 13, who is not sick, but who might as well be. By age thirteen, she has undergone countless surgeries, transfusions, and shots so that her older sister, Kate, can somehow fight the leukemia that has plagued her since childhood. The product of preimplantation genetic diagnosis, Anna was conceived as a bone marrow match for Kate - a life and a role that she has never questioned… until now. Like most teenagers, Anna is beginning to question who she truly is. But unlike most teenagers, she has always been defined in terms of her sister - and so Anna makes a decision that for most would be unthinkable… a decision that will tear her family apart and have perhaps fatal consequences for the sister she loves. My Sister's Keeper examines what it means to be a good parent, a good sister, a good person. Is it morally correct to do whatever it takes to save a child's life… even if that means infringing upon the rights of another? Is it worth trying to discover who you really are, if that quest makes you like yourself less?

The conclusion
As you can see, these past few days have been very eventful-- lots of new things happening and a celebration of something that, though not new per-se, still feels as fresh and exciting as if it started just yesterday.

I love this life! :)

another book down...

Just finished this..


Such a fun, light read! Sometimes, I take 30-minutes off my lunch hour and steal off to Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf to read a few pages of this and take the pressure of work off my shoulders for a few minutes. I love chick-lit, especially by Jane Green, because her protagonists are so adorably imperfect that you can't help but root for them to win in the end.

Now, it's off to a semi-serious read, The Tipping Point. My dorky self is taking over my system again. :-p

the dork that is me

Because I'm such a dork, I actually spent money to buy this DVD in HK and spend 2 hours of precious rest time to watch it. And, predictably, I loooved it! Hehehe..

I'm such a dork. I can't imagine people my age liking this stuff..



It's a real good story though-- It detailed the whole background of and reasons why the Enron bubble burst... and burst real big.

Apart from this, the dorky side of me is rearing its ugly head again... I heard of this certificate course in accountancy you can take to get a license in accounting. Not exactly the same as a CPA, but a level below it. It takes 6 hours of classroom time per session, over a period of 8 weeks, with a grand finale of a government-issued licensing exam.... and guess what, I'm interested! Like, seriously interested.

How nerdo / weirdo is that?!?!

HK!

Loved the family vacation to HK! Was able to rest, shop, bond and EAT to our hearts' content. And the weather cooperated too! At first, I was wary of heading to HK, because I was afraid it was going to be as hot, if not hotter, than Manila. God knows we don't need that. But as soon as we landed, we discovered the weather was an airy and cool 19 degrees. And it proceeded to fall lower and lower in the following 3 days we were there. Glorious :)

I gained 8 pounds in the 4 days I was there. But hey, got some nice new clothes, got to see some relatives I haven't seen in a while, got to bond with my brothers as the 3 of us shared 1 room (just like old times when we were little kids and could all fit in 1 queen-sized bed), and reveled in the cool weather. Priceless :)

s'pore!

Just came back from Singapore, and let me start my update with the most important part of it all.

I now know why God sent me to work in Smart. It's just so this would finally happen---



I know it sounds so baduy, but who cares! I'm so happy! :) I only managed this picture with him while he was signing autographs after our launch in Fort Canning Park-- because I said it was for documentation! I had to appear nonchalant when I asked for a pic (which took all my energy)... wait wait, I'm getting ahead of myself..

It all started on Saturday early early morning, when I found myself lining up at the check-in counter with Bea and her assistant. Where the hell is JL? He was late, not surprisingly (according to other people there, he is often late). But when I saw him, he's immediately forgiven. Lord, how could you have made a person so unbelievably good-looking?!

I was tongue-tied and didn't say much throughout the trip. Halfway through the way to Singapore, I realized how the hell am I supposed to actually get my work done if I can't even say two words to him without blushing like a damn beet? So, once landed, I just switched with my officemate and took charge of Richard Gutierrez instead. (BTW, that boy is so pretty, he's almost a girl.) Have some kuwento about Richard and Anabelle too, but nothing as important as JL. (Although, I was surprised to discover that Anabelle is actually a very very nice woman, contrary to her image in showbiz...)

Sunday was the big day, and as expected, the crowd came in droves. Arnel was so funny & lively as a host-- I'm tempted to always get him to host all our events. After the launch was the picture-taking and autograph signing, where yours truly finally finagled a photo with the love of my life. Thank God for the need for documentation =P

PLDT Singapore hosted a big dinner at the end of the day. Frustrated to see that I won't be seated in the same table as JL, I kept bugging the manager of PLDT Singapore that my trip won't be complete without another encounter with him. I mean, I was there already so might as well milk the opportunity. When saying this, though, I was half-joking-- Little did I know that she will actually do it. When JL stood up to leave (he had another engagement so had to leave early), Edith tells him "How can you leave so early, when it's her birthday today?" referring to me as the fake-birthday girl!

JL then gave me this laglag-panty, super cute look for, like, 5 seconds... then said "awww, I didn't know, I made plans already.." After which he greeted me happy birthday, MADE ME BESO AND LEFT ME HIS CELLPHONE NUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right at "awwww", I felt all my blood rush to my face. I must've looked so stupid, unable to say anything more than the feeble "thank you"..

It may not have been my real birthday, but with that JL experience, it's even better than if it were actually my birthday. Hahahaha! What a trip!

Okay, JL aside, I had tons of fun in Singapore. Spent a little more than I should have (hehe, who's surprised by that, huh?) but it was all worth it :) Got to taste good ol' Singaporean food once again, and passed by my old primary school. Also got to meet up with Cia, Ferds and Kenny, as well as my old friend from school. Fun fun fun!

I hope there'd be more business events in Singapore soon. In the meantime, I'll be working on the business proposal to make JL the permanent spokesperson for the brands I'm handling. Hahahahaha! :)

Singapore, here I come!

My supposed trip last weekend to Singapore got moved to this weekend instead, so I'm flying out this Saturday to once again set foot in the place I called home for about 10 months when I was a kid...

I'm excited-- though that excitement is tempered by a tinge of disappointment. My boyfriend's bar exam results are coming out on Thursday, and I know he planned to celebrate this weekend. But, because of my new travel plans, the celebration would have to go on without me..

Hay..

Oh well, will make it up to him somehow...

footwear malfunction

Here I am, cheerfully walking down Ayala Ave on the way to the office, when...

SPLAT!

Footwear strap breaks. Holy crap!

To think this pair of shoes was pretty expensive and from a "reliable" brand. I was so furious-- and since I was in the middle of the walkway, I had to drag my left foot like an injured imbecile all the way to the taxi stand in the next block. People were staring at me like I was an alien from outer space.

Once I found a taxi, I was finally off to an unexpected rendesvous to the mall to buy a new pair. All while already being late to an important meeting. My cellphone was ringing annoyingly from the time I tried on a new pair for size to the very minute I paid and walked out of the store.

Since the big boss who called the meeting is a guy, I couldn't very well explain my predicament. I just smiled and gave my hasty apologies as I sat at the back of the room.

All because of those stupid shoes.

Which I threw away the first chance I got, by the way.

Hay, what a day!!!

A quote for everybody who loves....

Knowing when it's right NOT TO RESCUE has been one> of my greatest lessons. Since my natural tendency is to jump in to the fray and solve problems for my loved ones, it took me many years to learn what a disservice this can be.” — Chelle Thompson, Editor of Inspiration Line

2 weddings and a planning session...

are what I've been up to lately.

Attended 2 weddings over the weekend- both held at the same venues. Funny, seems like Edsa Shang has become quite popular for wedding receptions..

Anyway, it was such a nice weekend, because it was filled with visions of love, of celebration, of dancing, of speeches & tears, and of friendship. I love weddings! They're just so happy and so full of love, refreshing a mind and body that's been harassed by work all throughout the week. I loved it! :)

The nice relaxing weekend was followed by a hectic 2-day planning session out-of-town, and an even more hectic day back (today). It's incredible how much work can pile up after 2 days, and it's even more incredible how time flies by so fast just when you need it to slow down a bit. Can barely catch my breath.

On the good side, I'm super busy but I'm super having fun too. That's the main difference, I guess, with my old job, where my feet are practically scraping the pavement as I drag myself to accomplish one task after another.

More updates soon... Have to get back to work =P

busy bee...

It's been a hectic couple of days at work-- I hardly even had time for a bathroom break in between board meetings, agency presentations, and project defenses. I feel like I've been here for ages, and not just 3 months. Sometimes, just when I feel like asking people to cut me some slack, due to the fact that I've only been here for 3 months and have barely warmed my bottom in this place, the achiever complex in me refuses to even utter those words of excuse. I'm gonna do this. I've done this before. I can do this.

In other news, I've got myself a new phone! (How sad that a new phone is my perkup for the week). Got a sweeeet deal for it-- I guess that's one of the few perks in working for a telco. Well, at least I have a new toy to tinker with when in transit from one meeting to another =P

Haha, how pathetic! =P

resign to your fate, dear girl...

Doesn’t it stink that no matter how progressive our society claims to have become, the most basic and most primal of human relationships still remains where it was ages ago? Granted, it’s not exactly as bad as it once was—I mean, these days, girls are no longer bartered off at the market like a piece of meat, nor are they forced to bind their feet in an effort to be deemed beautiful. Girls are no longer treated as second-class citizens—in fact, I dare say there’s now a growing % of parents who reckon having female children is as good as having sons.

But, this weekend made me realize the baby steps the people in my culture have actually taken towards progressive thinking—especially (oh, dear lord, especially..) in the topic of marriage.

Imagine, my boyfriend is just starting out to be a lawyer—a baby, really, in his chosen field, for the results of his regulatory exams have yet to be unveiled next month. He’s merely a fledgling in his profession, and already, my family expects to receive some sort of sign that he is serious about me. Take note that, in this culture, being serious is something that can only be proven by a ring. And a dowry. Love and affection, trust and respect—you know, those things that make a relationship work-- don’t count unless you’ve got the rock to show for it.

Their argument: We’ve been dating for almost a year. I am, in their terms, nearing my ‘expiration date’ – an invisible, yet unbelievably palpable, date whereby an unwedded me is officially a cast-off, whom no man in his right mind or ripe age will ever marry, and therefore a forever burden to my family. He, on the other hand, is ‘mature enough to take a wife’—meaning he’s reached the age respectable enough to marry. Upon being bestowed his official title as lawyer, he’s got no other excuse for not offering his hand. Unless, of course, yours truly is not the one he wants.

Hence, they deem themselves reasonable in expecting something to happen—if not now, then in the foreseeable future (read: within 2006). If not, then it’s better that I keep my eyes open and myself available for other ‘takers’—as if I were an item being auctioned off to the public. It’s better, they say, to scope out other options than put all your eggs in one basket, only to realize later on that your chosen one will not choose you for the long haul.

How cruel this fate—they say. Imagine giving the best years of your life betting on a relationship that won’t be yours forever anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with this—in fact, this is also a fear of mine. What I detest about this line of thinking, though, is the pressure they keep laying on—and laying on thick—when, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not something to even think about at this point. I’m not ready to get married, so is he. I know he loves me enough to marry me, but he’s just not settled enough in his field to risk it. I know I love him enough to marry him, but I’m just not yet done with all that I want to achieve as a single person. We’re both not ready, which is not to be confused with not willing. These aren’t excuses or alibis for not getting married. They’re reasons. Legitimate ones.

I guess they think that way because they don’t know what we—the two of us—talk about privately. They don’t hear about the plans we have, the dreams for the future, the vague picture we have in our heads of how our life together will look. I don’t fault them for it, because, after all, how on earth can they possibly know? However, I am very tempted to fault them for thinking there’s no such plan. For assuming that we’re a couple of foolish kids who don’t think about the future, who don’t weigh the possibilities, who don’t look out for ourselves. It’s annoying to be put in that position—to have other people in your life make decisions for you just because they don’t think you’re mature enough or you know enough about the world to navigate your way through life. It’s irritating, because not only does it apply unbelievable heaps of pressure, it also makes you feel like an unnecessary factor, an insignificant detail, a small ant in this process—when it’s your life they’re talking about.

Finally, I just find this entire thing to be such a joke—a joke because it just doesn’t feel real. The whole sentiment that a girl is only as good as her dowry is just plain dumb. I am as traditionally Chinese as the next girl, but I certainly don’t subscribe to the belief that a girl’s sole purpose in life is to be a wife and a mom. Take note, I have nothing against being a wife and being a mom. What I don’t agree with is believing that that is all that a girl should become, or ever hope of becoming. Life doesn’t end with getting married and having kids. And, more importantly, a woman’s worth is not to be measured by how many men want to marry her, or how young she got married, and heaven forbid, how many sons she gave her mother in law.

I’m just frustrated. And really ticked off by all this “is he ever going to marry you? If he is, why hasn’t he said anything? Where is the ring? You’re old na, you should really start getting concerned” talk. AAARG! Leave me alone! Are we in the Middle Ages?!

And, oh, it gets better.

To take it a step further, they sat me down and told me they’re concerned about the frequency of our dates. It’s all related to the argument I cited above. They say it goes against my welfare to be seen in public so often with him, because (here goes..):

A daughter should always be treated with care. When she is seen very often with a man, people make assumptions about her. If she is seen often in public with him, holding hands or being affectionate, they assume that she will end up with him. If she doesn’t, (suppose they broke up), and she is seen out with another man in public in the same manner, they will assume she is a “woman with multiple relations with men” and that’s damaging to her reputation. Hence, if Dennis does not show any intent to marry you, you should think twice about being seen so often with him in public.

Oh my god, you can just imagine my horror. WTF!? I was never informed that there was such a thing! Have you ever heard of such a ridiculous line of thought?! The argument persists:

In fact, until a girl is engaged to the man, she is never to go out-of-town or abroad with him. Even if and especially if it’s with his family. Never. People will assume she is easy, that something has happened to her and the man. So, should they break up or not end up together for whatever reason, no sane man would take her as a wife, for she has ‘already been with another’. In the same manner, if the event is a big celebration where the man’s entire extended family is in attendance, the girl should not attend alone. She must always be with a chaperone, lest she be misunderstood as ‘under the illusion that she is part of the family’, or worse that she is easy.

All this, of course, gets thrown out the window once the man proposes marriage. After which, all events or trips can be attended by the girl.

Again, WTF?!

I can see the hint of wisdom deeply embedded in these words. I agree that a girl should always take good care of herself, to be aware of how she comes off to people and how her actions can be misinterpreted. I agree that a girl should always care for her name and that a girl should never allow herself to be taken for granted in the most humiliating way.

However, I think these words should also be tempered by reason. There comes a point where you shouldn’t care about what other people will say. There is a balance between noting how your actions can come across and doing things that make you happy. As long as you know you’re not doing anything bad or hurting anyone or going overboard with doing as you please, then that should be okay.

It’s just really tiring to live by someone else’s rules, be bound by philosophies that aren’t your own. It gets taxing to act and decide out of tradition and not out of principle. And it gets tiresome to take into account the world’s opinion and ignore your own.

Well…. (Sighs)…

I’ll just take his advice and take it all in stride. After all, in this society, resistance to tradition is futile. Unless you wanna live out in the streets.

Or unless you get married.

Whichever comes first.

Harharhar! Oh well…if you can’t fight them… laugh at them nalang! =P

thinking w/o thinking...

Jumpstarted my love affair with books again recently. Been on a roll, reading one book after the other-- from fiction to a biography back to fiction then this:


I think all businesspeople, marketers and advertisers, especially account planners, need to read this book. It's a revolutionary way of thinking about... well, thinking. It debunks the world's reliance on the spoken word-- on taking people's words with more weight than their actions or their facial expressions or other details and nuances that actually contain more insight into what they truly feel. There was more "aha!" moments from this book than I expected, and I think it's an important piece of lit for anyone who's working in any communication or business field.

memoirs of a geisha

For a book that I loooved from start to finish, I was a little iffy about watching the big-screen adaptation. Usually, based-on-bestseller flicks end up being a delight to non-book readers and an utter disappointment for the book-lovers.

Luckily... this movie wasn't much like those sorry movies. I looooved it! It weaves the story of Sayuri in the same manner as the book-- and conveys the same awe and emotion that the book takes you through page after page.

Memoirs the movie certainly did not disappoint. I can hear Memoirs the book sigh a huge whew of relief for this. =P

yearbook CD

Finally got the much talked-about Continuum yearbook CD today, thanks to my little bro who's still in school.

My favorite part is the prophecy for SDL-- it's hilarious! All the whips and jokes about people were even more endearing, because they're all linked somehow to a memory, a personality trait, a weird quirk, a trademark, or a legacy of each person. It perfectly encapsulates every SDL blockmate, and captures the fun & the richness that's so intrinsic in this ultra-great block :) It does great justice to us. I loooooved it!

And, I must say, the IMC stuff was way more interesting than the other courses' (haha, sorry! Pero sa totoo lang naman...) :P

the last 36 hours, a blow-by-blow...

What happened...

It all started on Tuesday night.

Got home a little later than usual, not because of extended quality-time with my beau, but because of extended time at work. For some reason, work got so hectic towards the latter part of the day. All of a sudden, I found myself juggling multiple tasks-- while keeping an eye at the clock that was ticking 6pm, then 6:30 then 7:00... all the way til about 8.30.

Started feeling a little tightness in the chest area but chalked it up to fatigue and not eating on time.

So when I got home, after resting for a bit and catching up with my family, I went to bed.

Woke up at 1 am in a terrible fright-- I couldn't breath. My chest felt like there was a 2-ton weight pushing on it. I had to fight very hard to get each breath in. I hurriedly called my mom's room. She rushed in with my dad, and they rushed me to the ER.

My dad drove like a madman. He blew the horn on every car that attempted to block his way and he ran every red light we passed. My mom later on realized he shouldn't have driven. We should've just woken the driver and had him take us (in our rush, we didn't even think of that). Since my dad was tense because he's worried about me, he wouldn't have been in tiptop shape to drive.

Western medicine says...
In the ER, the doctor hooked me up to an oxygen tank and gave me a pill to take. Later on, I found out it was valium. No wonder, after a few minutes, I zonked out -- as in, out cold. My body felt like rubber when I woke up.

Later on, when the tightness was considerably ebbed, they confined me to a hospital room for 1.5 days under observation. The tightness was mostly gone, though I had a difficult time taking deep breaths. The cardiologist had me take some heart tests, ruling out the heart-attack option, and some x-rays too.

The tests came back to say that I'm normal, except that one of my heart's valves doesn't open and close properly, thereby causing that feeling when I get tense, stressed or tired. I've apparently had this since birth. The doc though cannot explain why this was only triggered now. He probed me further about the circumstances before this happened, but, to be honest, I really didn't think I was that stressed. I mean, I've been more stressed in the past, and I felt fine.

It's not necessarily about work daw, but work is the largest possible contributor. Other factors are emotional stress, like fighting with someone or feeling bad or, the worst of all, worrying. All that will strain my heart and cause the tightness to happen again.

So now, after I've been discharged, the doc said we'll monitor it and, should the tightness happen frequently after today, I have to go back. Most probably to be hooked up to a heart monitor and/or to take some drugs for the thingie (otherwise called the valve).

Chinese belief says...
Not many people know that my family is devout Buddhist. Partly because my mom's side of the family is brought up in the Buddhist faith (with my mom and her siblings all attending Buddhist schools in their teens) and because both sides of my family is deeply rooted in our Chinese culture, my family attends mass at the Buddhist temple every Sunday morning, no fail (unless, of course, we're out of the country or something...). If it weren't for my friends and for attending an Opus Dei university, I wouldn't come to know the Catholic religion.

Anyway, the buddha to whom we usually pay our respects had earlier warned me (through a medium) that this lunar year is going to be a very bad one for me, especially in terms of my health. He gave me 3 pieces of gold paper to burn for 3 consecutive days, which would lead the holy army to come and protect me from evil spirits. He then also gave me 4 extra pieces of gold paper, with the instruction to burn 1 along with 36 sticks of incense, then call his name repeatedly, whenever I have a problem. Don't be scared, he said, I'll be there when you need me.

For some reason, my parents and I forgot about this Tuesday night as we rushed out of the house. When I got settled na in the hospital room, M, who has a third eye that can see and hear the buddha, asked my mom why we didn't do as told (referring to the instruction above). She also advised me against attending very very happy and very very sad occasions/events, such as attending weddings or grand birthday celebrations, visiting a sick person, attending a funeral, etc. Because my system is very susceptible to attacks of the evil nature. As much as evil is present in bad occasions, evil is lurking around during good times too.

Before dismissing this as hoolabaloo... How else can one explain why that valve thing only happened now? As stressed as Tuesday's work day may have been, I've been through tougher, more stress-packed days. In fact, before Tuesday, I've been quite free at work, and my hours are even shorter now than before in Citi. I've also been through sadder, more emotionally straining moments (my friend's death last year,for instance). I wasn't fighting with anyone that night, and the most I could worry about in my life was the fact I had no money to shop, which I wasn't worrying about-- not that it's really anything to worry about in the grand scheme of things. :P

As I've chosen to do over and over before, I'll just take both explanations to heart and follow them judiciously. After all, it's not like they're contradictory. I just have to take better care of myself, especially throughout this lunar year.

That's all, folks. Now I have to go back to the bed and rest up. :) It's been a long long couple of days..

business, business, business...

Been wanting to start my own business for a while. Shopping around for ideas online led me to stumble on some pretty neat stuff. Case in point: check this operation out-- http://www.tshirtdeli.com/

The concept is, you walk in, tell them what you want made, and they'll make it for you right before your eyes, they pack it up in a nice paper bag, with a complementary bag of chips inside, then off you go! Every shirt is different, just like how you can customize sandwiches or salads in a regular deli.

The owner, some girl from Chicago even got her idea patented, to prevent copycats from even getting any cock-eyed ideas on copying her concept.

I think it's interesting. And unsurprisingly, her shirts are selling like hotcakes.

Or sandwiches, for that matter :-P

it just hit me today....

life will always be best lived if it's lived with you.
=)

love this book!

Been so stressed with work that reading this book on the side has helped me hold on to my sanity. Jemima J is nice and light but fast-paced enough to keep you interested... and keep you laughing. It's about a girl whose never really been noticed, never had a boyfriend, never been in love, come to terms with herself and feel good in her own skin, with a boy in tow or not.

A really good piece of chick lit. A nice book to relax with and have a cup of coffee over. :)


Finally, it's the weekend! Time to rest :) Thought the end of this unbelievably long week would never come. It was filled with endless meetings, discussions, computations, papers, presentations, and then more meetings, discussions, computations, papers, etc... that I felt kinda sick already last night ;) Buti nalang,the weekend rolled in. Hurrah!

On the flip side, the bosses loved my presentation last Monday. The boss of Jane even called her the next morning to ask what my level was because he thought I should get promoted already. Hehehe. For someone who's only been there for 1.5 months, that's really something to be happy about :)

'di ka na bata...

Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing dress-up-- waking in the morning and putting on office attire, walking along the streets of a busy city, going up the elevator of a swanky office building on my way to a cubicle an eighth of my room at home..

Tapping away at the keyboard, typing up proposals on projects and programs costing millions and millions of pesos..

Facing a board meeting to defend a project, absorbing all inputs good and bad (sometimes, getting upset over the bad inputs), dealing with office politics, at times silently taking in harsh words I used to think only my dad had the right to say to me..

Getting a paycheck every 2 weeks, going to the bank to withdraw this hard-earned money, heading to the mall and buying things with this money.. my money.. Going bankrupt more times than I’d care to.. Being more cost-conscious, having to win my own bread this time around..

I’ve been doing this for more than 3 years now but it still feels surreal at times. After being a kid for the first 20 years of my life, without having the littlest care about money, work and politics, it’s taking a while for this adult, grown-up thing to fit like second skin.

Then again, maybe it’s just a matter of time.

Hope the wrinkles don’t get the better of me before that time comes.

Or, better yet, hope the wrinkles never come. Ever.

Hehe. Wala lang. Just musing...

lights, camera, action!

Look out for my first feature interview by ABS-CBN!

Yesterday, in the midst of celebrating the New Year at the temple that my family frequents, the ABS-CBN crew came and took various shots of the temple, as well as testimonials from devotees, to use as material for an upcoming feature on the Santo Singkong temple.

And one of the people featured was yours truly! Put on the spot, I racked my brains furiously to come up with something intelligent to say. Finally, a few seconds to go before the camera was on me, I decided to just, well, speak from the heart. Religion is more of a heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul connection anyway.

My dear beau looked on, along with my family, as I embarked on my 3-minutes of fame. It was only after my turn was done when I realized: "Shet! Ang gulo ng hair ko!" Oh well. =P

In other news, one word that best described the past weekend is: BUSOG. Last night, I went to the new Hyatt hotel and had a buffet feast with my family and beau. The chocolate fountain was my favorite part. Can't remember how many times I went to and from the dessert area =P

Kung hei!

kung hei fat choy!

Happy Year of the Fire Dog!

It's Chinese New Year again! Indeed, time flies. Now the house is full of food once again, with lively chatter and laughs that I feel it's an extension of the recently concluded holiday celebrations.

On the aside, I went on a book-buying binge this afternoon. Hehe.. Took advantage of the 20%-off Powerbooks sale and stocked up on interesting reads. Hope I continue having the time to bundle up and read :)

Oh, and I have major presentation to the top honchos on Monday. I'm standing in for Jane, my boss, and I'll be representing our entire team in the presentation on our 2006 commitments. I found it a little funny that the newest member of the team should present the 2006 key programs, but hey, I welcome the challenge. I know Jane is counting on me, and I guess her appointing me to be the representative, despite my being the newest person around, is something to be happy and honored about.

From the looks of my slides, this is shaping up to be an IMC-esque presentation. Hmm... I hope my skills aren't too rusty =P

Wish me luck!

Kung hei again! :) May you be showered with blessings, blessings and more blessing this coming year!!

....

Finally got to listen to "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam.

Now I understand why you drive slow when I'm in the car with you.

I love you!

love??

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

--Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

If time is the best currency of love, my boss is the greatest love of my life.
Harharhar!

i love this dress!

parting with my money

After being so good over the weekend and successfully keeping myself from shopping, my resolve gave way last night.

I finished early from work, since I was boss-less yesterday and had already finished all pending jobs by 6:30pm. Had to wait for my brother to finish up at his work in the ad agency, so I hiked over to the mall to walk around. Note: Key word is walk. Not shop around.

But, as I said, I failed miserably. After a short detour in Powerbooks where I didn't find the book I wanted, I proceeded to buy myself 1 new skirt, 1 new bag and 3 new tops, and finally had to restrain myself from buying 2 pairs of shoes that I found at 50% off! I could hear the justification rising up my throat "It's getting 2 shoes for the price of one!" Thankfully, my brother texted that he's done, so the damage to the wallet was curtailed. Somewhat.

I knew it-- I should never have left Powerbooks. Now I'm a little bit poorer... but a little bit more fashionable too! Hehehehe.... Despite mourning for my money, I do looooooove the stuff I bought.

=P Wala lang. This is just a-girl-being-a-girl kind of post... =P

eurostar carnival

Finally got to check out the much talked-about Eurostar Carnival.

For 400 bucks, it was actually not very bad. If you're the adventurous type with the guts to go on the scary rides, then your 400 bucks will be super worth it. There was one ride which goes all the way up (ala Anchors Away from EK) and then over, about 7 times, that I got dizzy just looking from down below. At the end of the 7 continuous turns, it stops in mid-air for about 20 seconds, which is enough to turn my insides inside and out =S

Good thing, my beau is also not the gungho carnival fan. So we mostly just walked around, tried 2 rides, including the nice big ferris wheel, and just enjoyed each other's company. The other couples we went with tried most of the rides, while we mostly just waved from down below. I know, I know, KJ-- but hey, I'd rather make sure I get home not dizzy and in one piece than risk it =P

By the way, prior to that, when we were walking to Eurostar, from nowhere came a guy who just blurted to me "Hey miss, do you have the time?" It took my mind about 10 seconds to figure out who it was, and to recognize the person! It was a friend whom I haven't seen for the longest time! He looked different, so at first, I didn't recognize him.

What's funny is, afterwards, my boyfriend told me to be thankful that I recognized the guy when I did, because he (and the couple we were with) actually thought I was being accosted by a stranger. He and his friend, actually, were about to jump into my rescue and clobber the poor skinny guy, when I suddenly yelled "hey! How've you been?!" Hahahaha! He's so cute =) I love him...

best boss to have

You can have a smart boss, a funny boss, a friendly boss, a kuwela boss, etc... but the best thing to have, hands down, is an inspiring boss. Someone who makes you want to become not just a better professional but a better person. Someone who teaches you not only about work but also about life. Not by preaching it but by living it.

Butch J. was made the head of our department when ARM left the company. They're worlds-apart, I gather. For example, Butch tends to be more quiet and subdued while ARM was all over the place. Butch tends to stick to the regular working hours while his predecessor worked round the clock.

The most striking for me, though, is their differences in terms of outlook-- outlook about life, about work, about the world.

Check out Butch's blog (butchgjimenez.blogspot.com) to know more about this inspiring man. I haven't met an executive this family-oriented, this God-centered, yet this successful and this savvy as a professional. No wonder he commands great respect. Because he commands not just respect at work but respect in the realest sense possible.

pet peeve

I really hate clients who push around their agencies and suppliers like they're people with no other purpose on earth but to service them. I mean, hello, they're people too! They have their own agenda, their own time frames, their own considerations, their own lives! I know you pay them to accomplish certain things, but everything can be done with respect and professionalism. Just because you're on the paying side of the transaction does not give you the right to treat other people like pawns on a chess table.

Considering I'm from client side, this may be a bold statement to make. But I really really despise people who make their agencies wait, who make their agencies spin around town like headless chickens to rush something that the client could've informed them about earlier. I understand (boy, do I understand!) that sometimes, shit just happens-- that unfortunate things just take you by surprise and you have to act fast. But c'mon, have some consideration, have some decency, have some tact, have some heart, have some brain, for cryin' out loud!

I really wish that one day, someone can knock some sense into these people. Let it not be me, please, 'coz they'll really get a mouthful.

Grrrr....

Welcome 2006!

Happy New Year!

For some reason, New Year's this year feels a little off-- in the sense that it's not as big a bang as in previous years. I don't know if it's just me-- maybe it's 'coz this year, we didn't have the grand reunion at our house like we've had in these past 5 or so years-- but something about 2005's celebration didn't feel quite... celebratory. Oh well.

Anyway, it was a nice weekend nonetheless. Full of family stuff, as usual, but this time 'family' includes my boyfriend's on top of my own. It's been a nice holiday to get to know people, laugh, relax, unwind, have fun... and just be. After 12 months of hectic frenzy, of working so hard you hardly catch your breath, it was a refreshing 3-days of stopping, of resting, of just plain, simple living.

2005 was very good to me. Looking back, if I make a rundown of the highlights...:
- I lost my dear friend to ensephalitis. Despite missing her to bits, I'm sure she's up there in heaven, finally having the peace she looked for for a long time.
- Li came home after years of being away. Too bad she missed meeting Dennis, but it's okay-- she'll finally get to meet him 3 months from now.
- Speaking of Dennis, I met the most incredible guy in the world and fell in love with him.
- I went to Boracay with my FILC girls, thereby starting (hopefully) a string of new adventures that will last a lifetime.
- I finally quit being a pseudo-banker and landed an exciting new job.
- Dennis took his bar exams, and landed a cool law-firm post before the year ended (yay!).

Indeed, 2005 was a good year for me. It was a year of letting people go, of welcoming new people in, of leaving what's comfortable and giving way for the new and unfamiliar (sometimes scary). It's taking a gamble and cashing in, way before you ever expected to. It's been a great year, indeed, and I just hope 2006 is just as great, if not better.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!