I'm in Chuvaness!

Haha! This really cracked me up. I was in Grace Park the other day, with a good friend of mine, and upon sitting, I already noticed the party in front of us, composed of Chuvaness, her husband and their really loud friends. I didn't really mind them anymore afterward though I noticed they seem to be in celebration mode.

Then 2 days later, voila! I'm famous. Haha!

My YMMA acceptance speech

Click here!

More changes a-coming....

So, apparently, the grand plan does not end at me changing bosses, which happened a bit under 2 months ago. This plan of epic genius-levels also involve me changing companies, along with my boss. This new change is still quite new and I'm not yet done processing how I feel about it, but with divine help, I am able to chart a course for myself and be entirely, utterly, 100% sure of where I want to go (and where I don't want to stay). I am so so so so so thankful for having this "tip" and being guided and protected and blessed by Buddha. Thank you, thank you. I acknowledge that not everyone has the same opportunity and not everyone will have their choice followed, and for this I am deeply grateful.

I also cannot help but concede, life really isn't about OUR plans. This is a tall order for me, because I am such a planner and a meticulous planner at that. I like to be prepared and I prefer to ready myself before making big leaps and changes in my life. But now I understand and accept that not everything can be controlled at my level. We may make our overall plans and direct our lives a certain way, but that has a limitation. It ends at the same spot where divine plans start. And I am in complete awe of this plan that Buddha has for me, to enable the course of my life to go in my favor and to protect me.

There are still many uncertainties, and the details have yet to be filled up and accounted for. But for now, what matters most is I am at peace with my decision and there's no turning back.

My YMMA Interview Video

Click here.

Time for a deadline?

They say a goal without timelines is just a dream. Recently, I've begun to wonder if we should start setting a deadline for... nature to run its course and set a point when we start going back to embracing the wonders of sciece.

It's a treacherous path to traverse. On one hand, you don't want to "run out of time" and feel that you should get your ass moving to be able to achieve this dream (or goal) that you have. On the other, you also think maybe some things aren't meant to be rushed and are not meant to be decided upon by anyone else but God.

What to do... What to do...

Alabang staycation

We checked into B Hotel in Alabang yesterday and are staying until tomorrow. So far so good! We realized that this may just be the best staycation spot for us because:
- The hotel we found had a reasonable set of room rates, but more importantly,
- Alabang is near enough to Makati yet far enough to make us feel that we actually went somewhere. This is important to instill a "we're on vacay" mindset.
- Alabang is not a usual destination for us. We probably only come by once or twice in a year. It's not only against Dennis' principles to pay so much in toll and other fees just to go to a city within Metro Manila's jurisdiction but also because there's not much to come for here that you can't get in Makati.
- Alabang is deserted during vacations such as Holy Week. Residents are either just at home or are out of town.
- I do love the wide, palm tree-lined streets and the fresh air. And the urban planning within the what I call "nice Alabang" is good and makes it easy to navigate.
- All the major facilities are available and a quality hospital is nearby in case you need to rush to the ER. We did today. Long story.
- There are some good eats to be had! A major selling point.
- Most importantly.... The vibe is so chill -- perfect for staycations. And the service crew are so nice and friendly. Thumbs up! Such a great place to spend this long break in. It has really recharged us, reset our brains and taken all our stress away. We do feel as refreshed as if we went away for a vacay. But less tired and less poor than if we went abroad.

So I guess we'll be back! ;)

New keds!

Found these on sale today and couldn't resist. Love them! :)

Mother-and-child

Once I laid eyes on this beauty, it immediately grabbed me and made me fall in love with it. For two days afterward, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Something in the tender way the mom caresses the child... The way the colors depict the warmth of her love.. The way the many layers of cloth wrapped around them make the viewer feel the same comfort... The way you see her skin, so open and available, the same way she will be to her child.. Love love love. So, it was decided, I had to have it.

So tadaaaaa.... Yey! Love love love!!!!

A friend of mine also told me to treat it like a vision board :) Why not?! Let's also pray this will bring magic into our lives and let the vision come to fruition :)

Our home

Our home is now officially ours!!! As of last Friday, that is. We handed over the last cheque to close our mortgage, release the title in our name and officially own our home and very first real property! It's one of the best days of 2013 already!:)

I'm so very proud of us for this achievement. Not only have we finished paying for this home, we've started on our second property and have also gotten a second car. We've dabbled more in stocks and have also (as of yesterday) bought our second piece of art (which I love love love, but will be discussed more in a separate entry). I'm so proud, and I'm even more thankful. Attitude of gratitude, as I like to say, is what I'm all about lately. I can't say thank you enough to Buddha for these blessings and for giving me the world's best husband. I know I complain sometimes and I pine for what (or rather who) I do not have, but deep down, I'm a million times thankful for the life I do have.

Thank you!!!!!!

Domestic Diva

Lately, I've been really into preparing delicious meals for my husband. I know that I'm as corporate as they come, and I really am, but there's really that special flavor of fulfillment when you excel in the homefront and are able to put a satisfied smile on your husband's face after a good meal. Especially now that he's on a diet and I want to encourage him to stay on it, I keep my eye open for recipes that are friendly to his diet's principles but are also yummy to the palate. So far so good! He's loving the dishes and I'm loving the fact that he's loving them! Hurray!

Who is this person I'm turning into? Hahaha!

#achievementsofadomesticdiva

Loved KL!

Our feet are so tired and joints feel sore, but it was a fun trip with the Chans! :)

"Gladys"

Saw this today and found it amusing :p

Here we go...

So I guess my new role starts today. With no prior notice and no warning, my (new) boss just invited me to the ManCom meeting today and I guess that was supposed to be my cue to start this new role.

It's just a bit offfooting, to report to someone so senior.  Half the time I'm just guessing what I should do next, or if a certain question in my head even warrants being spoken out loud to him. Since his rank is so much higher and he is not the type (and shouldn't anymore be) to delve into operational details, I'm left wondering how to figure out the kinks and the details without his explanation.

Hmmm..

Such strange territory.

Guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

Oh and in other news, I got my period on Chinese New Year Eve. As I tweeted, it was such a poetic ending to the Dragon year - the year that was supposed to be "against" my sign. I was counting on it arriving tomorrow, actually, but no no no, as is the tradition between me and my lovely time-of-the-month, "she" just had to show up on such a poignant time. In the past, "she" also never passed on the chance to show up on a big day. When I was younger and in school, she would show her face on exam day or a big day like a student council election when I was running for office, or prom night, or the first day of school. When I started working, it would show up on my first day on the job or during a particularly stressful day. When I started wanting to get pregnant, it showed up on Mothers' Day.. and just recently, at the close of the Dragon Year. Hay. You little period, you. If I didn't know better, I would think you're picking on me. :p

Done deal

Change is upon us.

Time to get kikay-- 31 is around the corner!

Inspired by the Yahoo article, I want to get this from Benefit!!! It'll help me in the quest to stay "31-looking". Hehehe.

It's all clear to me now.

It's clear to me now which choice to make. Thank you, SSK, for the clarity and the sense of peace. I really cannot have everything. Sometimes, it's a matter of what kind of (potential) regret you will be more willing to live with. It helps decide which sacrifice is best to be made, for the sake of which blessing or choice you would rather have.

Thank you.

Truth be told, the decision was easy to make. Once I got a clearer view of the possible repercussions of each path, it was a NO-BRAINER.

But that's not to say there was no mourning to be done. There was. A good deal of it. For the professional in me. For the part of me that longs for achievement and professional actualization. For the part of me that LOVES this kind of work and LOVES the team I work with. For the part of me that has always been such a go-getter and never a by-stander. For the part of me that attaches a lot of self-worth to my work.

But maybe, all things need to end. Or at least you need to change some things around to get some things to change.

Get it? :p

Now, can we get a move on and get this done?! Game na ako! :)

"I Don't Know How She Does It"

If you've seen this movie, you know that strange feeling of wanting to be in 2 places at once, doing 2 things at once, and just basically wishing you can split your body into 2 and fulfill 2 roles.

I know that, in my last blog post, I wished for an opportunity to arrive, to get me excited again in my work days. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I love my team. But I realized that I feel like I've outgrown my current capacity and that I can still do more. I think this also started from my "subbing" for my boss when she is not around. I'm her right-hand (wo)man, and the time she was on ML and the times she would not be around, I would slip into her role as brand head like fish does to water. And while this makes me feel good that I am able to stretch myself to the next role, it also makes me think, "If I can fulfill that function and work at that (next) level, then how come I'm not yet there officially?"

Anyway, I know that I wished for an opportunity, and I guess when God hears a prayer, he REALLY hears it. Two opportunities are about to cross my way, and I thank the chance to be given a heads-up before I need to make a final decision. Route #1 presents the growth I wanted - to head a brand and be in charge of a business from start to end. Route #2 presents growth that I did NOT anticipate at all, but presents the possibility of a bigger growth trajectory. It is an opportunity with so much potency, which presents a stark contrast from route #1 which is so filled with certainty for me -- I can do that job from Day 1 and hit the ground running. This unexpected route #2 takes me out of my comfort zone and out of the career track I had built for myself. It also means it carries risk that I'm not sure I am prepared for - taking myself out of the "action" and being more consultative than executive. It's so far off from what I'm used to, and it's more full of "maybe"'s than anything.

And today, given that I am who I am, I became struck with an option. As opposed to just Route #1 VS Route #2, WHAT IF... Just WHAT IF... I ask for BOTH!

Wild, right?

I know.

I'm probably the only one who'd even consider such a thing.

But I am excited. It's the best of both worlds! Right?

And also scared. What if the "worst" of these 2 worlds prove to be more than I can handle? It's either I will high-five myself for a good choice made or I will kick myself for getting spread too thinly.

What about my personal dream of being a mother? What if these 2 jobs end up taking me farther away from that?

But then again, if I had to choose, which one?!

And since the BIG boss will be offering me the Route #2, is it even possible to turn it down?!

So many thoughts in my head right now. The overarching feeling is this excitement.. and hunger.. hunger to take it all on and not miss on an opportunity. Yet there's also this fear.. of biting off more than I can chew and being in over my head, and missing out on my personal dream. It's either I go for #1, #2 or a combo of both.

The combo sounds good..

Then again...

There's only 24 hours in a day and only 5 days in a working week. There are limits to my capacities, yet these are the same limits I am excited to push and see how far I can go. I studied so much and worked so well all these years, that I'm so excited to see where it can all take me.. how far up I can go and how much I can accomplish. Then again, when I do get pregnant and have a wee one, will I still relish the fact that my job is so challenging? Or will I curse the day I took it?!

Omg.

I am not making sense. How do high-flying career mothers do it?!?

Wild.

After everything I said, I still have no answer.

:-/

Meaning

As I read in a blog, "HAPPINESS fades away, MEANING is enduring."

I've been hoping to "stumble" upon what I hope can be my next professional step. It can be a new position in a new company, thereby replacing my current day-job, or a new project or sideline that can lead to something substantial, thereby adding an extra oomph to my usual day, especially when my day-job gives me the headaches.

I hope to be able to find it soon. I've been so inspired by my brother and sister-in-law, both of whom are happy to report that they've made a business venture out of their respective passions. I must admit it gives work a different dimension -- to be doing something that makes your heart sing and fills up your pocket as well.

Hope to get struck by my own lightbulb moment soon :)

Quite nothing like this

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Dreamed of it, prayed for it, planned for it, hoped for it, visualized it almost every day. Asked for it, pleaded for it to the point of begging, willing to trade God all other blessings in exchange for this one gift. Knocked on the door of chance relentlessly and get no response. Then see other people get welcomed into the fold seemingly effortlessly.

Today, I hit a different kind of low in this quest to make our dream come true. I was hit by a thought -- I wish I can find a way to want this a little bit less. I wish there was some kind of lever I can maneuver-- a knob of some sort that I can twist downward-- just to minimize this yearning a little, tiny bit. Just enough to give me some respite from the emotional turmoil. I wish I have a way to want it less, so my heart can break a little bit less as well. Unfortunately, in a thing like this, there's no halfway mark. It's either you want it or you don't. And once you want it, there's no unwanting.

My heart is just so tired. It has sustained so much bruising I fear it has changed color already. It has cried a whole river and a half. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now, I just wish there was a parking bay I can take my heart to.

Paying it forward...

I've been blessed to have very good bosses in my 10 years of working, and at this point in my career, I care more about paying this "goodness" forward, rather than managing upwards and impressing upper management. I care more about mentoring young people, caring for their professional development and making sure that they stay inspired. Perhaps this is also why I enjoy teaching so much. For me, there is much more fulfillment in enabling others, rather than helping myself. Of course, this is not to say I don't do anything for myself in the corporate arena. It's just that I derive so much more contentment from the former.

Since I was on leave the last 5+ working days of 2012, I had missed receiving personally the gifts of my team. I'm attaching some of the notes that my younger guys had written me. It warmed my heart to read these notes this morning. What a great way to jumpstart 2013. You know you're doing a good job as a boss when someone refers to you as their "good karma." Being Buddhist, this compliment means 1,000,000 times more to me.

 

This is the best payoff for all that work done in 2012 :)

Hello, 2013!!!

You've been pretty eventful, 2012. Please stand up and take my grateful applause for a job well done. You saw me through the last stretch of MBA school and even gave me the lone distinction honor in my graduation batch. You had us go to HK twice, then to Singapore to catch Wicked, Bangkok to discover beautiful temples and to China with my family. You also pointed us towards the direction of The Grove and gave us enough prosperity to buy our second condo unit. You marked my 5th year as a Marketing Manager and surprised me with unexpected career highlights : a promotion to Senior Manager and the YMMA award! The 5th manager-year also gave me a new Innova (again, prosperity). You also made me a godmother the second time around, and gave my lola's health her nth wind. My brother married the love of his life, and my youngest brother is on his way to jumpstarting his dream business venture. You continued to bless my parents and my husband, especially in terms of their health and respective financial standings. You also gave me a rambunctious new bunch of students to teach, and new colleagues to mentor. You saw me mark my 30th year of existence and allowed me to spend it with my one true love. You brought fulfillment, prosperity and love. Thank you.

You were uneventful in only 1 area of my life -- my sweetest dream -- and while the fruit of this dream didn't materialize this year, you did pepper it with a lot of learning and personal realizations. I am grateful for the new knowledge and the comfort it brings.

And with that, I am fully ready for you, 2013. I know you bring more blessings with you. Always keep my loved ones safe and healthy, happy and together.

And my dream, please. Please let this be THE year. My heart is bursting with longing and excitement. You have no idea just how loved this child will be. Loved beyond your wildest intention and welcomed with the most open arms ever (remember, we are a tall couple with wide arms :p ).

Cheers!!!!!

No need for HK!

Baguio is the place to be in December! Just as cold and just as cozy! But not as expensive! 👍

Best gifts this year!

❤

Spend here, spend there

We've been spending more than what we earn, for the past 2 months. Bad bad bad.

Well, I guess we shouldn't feel too guilty since a huge chunk of it went to our medical bills with this treatment that appears to be working for us. Then the other half consists of Christmas shopping, bills, 13th month pay of our driver and maid, and remnants of our HK trip. Upcoming ones are the Baguio trip with my in-laws and the Malaysia trip with the Chans in Feb.

Need to be more conscientious come 2013 though. The math geek in me keeps tabs on how much needs to be put back in the account, for all this to break even. Let's pray for good Smart bonus in April so everything can even out.

:)

The RH debate

Here's the thing. I think people would normally assume because I have firsthand experience with infertility, I would be anti-RH and would be anti-contraception. On the contrary, I am very much pro-RH and am even more convicted about it because of my infertility experience.

The main point behind my stand is that I believe children should be born by choice and not by (unwanted) chance. My experience punctuates this even more. Imagine the joy and love poured upon a child because he or she was wanted, welcomed and dreamed of. Now imagine the reverse when a child is met by unwelcome surprise and dread. I know that children are a blessing (boy do I know that!) so all the more they should be conceived and brought into this world if the parents will be "deserving" of them -- meaning they will be able to give them quality of life, not just an existence of the barest minimum. Sex definitely starts the process of making a child, but being a good parent has nothing to do with sex.

I think this bill is at the heart of it, a population control or a contraception bill. Everything else like maternal care is already provided for by other laws. Sex ed is optional and only for secular schools (which can already mount these already anyway). And this pro-contraception part is what the anti-RH people are getting riled up about.

To each his own. If they feel their religious belief dictates that this is bad, so be it. But I believe in the separation of church and state, and the bill only gives access to these tools. It does not mandate anything. Choice is given to women and I think it's more an injustice to make a woman powerless over her body, than it is to let children go unconceived. An unwanted child is a sadder state to have than an unconceived one. I guess my stand is to spare the child if bringing him to the world will only give him a life of disadvantage. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So yes, I'm happy congress passed it. Let's go, RHBill!!!

2012 cycles = not productive

Ok, it's official as of tonight. No baby conceived in 2012.

I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be. There were previous cycles that were much more emotionally tormenting, definitely. The worst so far was the period that arrived at effing Mothers Day, of all goddamn days. The second I am guessing would be the one in October when I came face to face with the reality that it wasn't going to happen before I turned 30. This month's... Well, I did hope, in the same way I would every other cycle. But I guess what's different this time is the sense of control-- that at least, I have some degree of control over our progress in this journey. And I owe this to our doctor. We have both registered very good progress, especially Dennis and his .. Well, swimmers. I'm happy that at least I know we're moving forward. This also makes me hopeful that our baby is on his way. That time may not be now but my heart tells me it will arrive. It's not going to be a question of if. It's going to be a matter of when.

Itaga mo sa bato. I believe.

That's what's different this time.

And though it doesn't make this period pain-free, the hope does make it bearable.

So there you have it, folks. Dragon really isn't my year, that I now know.

So every 12 years, I gotta keep my head low ;)

One other thing: I have the most amazing husband. He is so gentle with me and so understanding -- a great mix of strength and kindness. The antithesis of me. My other half. The only one in this entire world I will ever need. The only one who knows what my heart yearns for, even before my mouth can give off words to express it. The one I know I live and die for.

This is why our baby will surely come along. How can you pass up a daddy like that?

:)

It's a #Panalo day!

🎉

Addition to the wish list

Isn't it lovely?:)

I know I'm on a shopping ban but...

I really like this!!!

BFFs

My best friend surprised me with a Tiffany necklace for my 30th birthday. This gift, on top of it being a complete and utter surprise, meant so much to me because it's from my oldest and dearest friend and because it represented my most precious dream. I always felt the Elsa Peretti bean looked like the tiny bean that shows up in an ultrasound during early pregnancy stages. And getting it for my 30th and getting to wear it around my neck made it ven more special. Thank you, Li! Here's to BFFs who just sense what your heart needs and to friendships that withstand time and distance.

So far so good...

With this new doctor, at least.

We've seen considerable improvement in the 1 month we've been seeing him. It's the most amount of progress we've seen, especially when compared to our past OBs. Thank God. This doc is officially the best person I met this year (in relation to the FILC annual survey questionnaire hehehe)

Here's to hoping the progress keeps going! :)

YMMA

So, I got nominated twice to this marketing awards thing called YMMA - first by my boss and second by my good friend Neil. I initially filled out the info sheet but lost interest in putting together the main entry with all the details asked for. October was a jampacked month for me, with work obligations and personal matters, and the deadline was right on Oct 31. So I decided to forego the application. Besides, to be really honest, I wasn't so hot on entering. I guess watching Neil's awarding last February kind of made me feel iffy about entering -- all that attention and hoolabaloo.

So I thought that was it.

Then yesterday, the founder of this awards thing actually personally texted me, asking when they can expect my entry, even if it's well past the deadline. And guess what, he copied in my boss in his text message! Omg! Sinumbong ako!

So my boss goes to me and pushes me (or rather demands) to submit the data. Put it together now and submit it today. Exag!!!!!!

I still tried to get out of it but to futility. She was bent on it and if you knew my boss, she's the kind of person that pushes for what she wants.

So I'm sending it in today. Yikes.

:-/

My first day as a 30-y.o.

As the day comes to an end and the first day of my 3rd decade on earth will be over soon, I make a fervent wish for the next decade -- for this wish to mark these upcoming 10 years.

Please. Let it come true.

❤

HBD in HK!

Blogging now from HK! We're resting at our hotel, taking a break before we head out for my birthday dinner. It's been a relaxing trip so far, with the pace being very slow and chill, and the itinerary being wide open for whatever we may fancy. Earlier today, we went to Dialogue in the Dark -- a totally new experience of a tour. You enter a dark room with zero lighting and are guided by a blind tour guide. You are given a cane and instructions on how to navigate the grounds. We found it disconcerting at first since the place was pitch black and it's a bit weird to not see anything at all. But soon enough, the body adjusted and it was interesting to have all other senses heightened to compensate for the lack of vision. The tour started out in a forest garden then to a boat then to market, a normal street crossing, a store and finally a cafe. It was such a refreshing and humbling experience to step into the shoes of a blind person for 75 minutes. It made us more grateful people too. A nice way to start a birthday.

Then we explored Langham Mall - an innovative concept and an interestingu architectural building. We had a lunch feast of one of my all-time favorite food -- tonkatsu! Brilliant choice! Loooved it!!

Then we did some street shopping along Kowloon and Nathan Roads then it's back to the hotel for a bit of rest. Dinner tonight will be at Morton's. I'm excited.

❤

Project30 launches tomorrow!

So we're off to HK tomorrow for a 5-day trip to celebrate my birthday! Yay! I initially planned to go somewhere farther, specifically Australia. But with our recent medical bills, it wasn't very prudent to splurge that much. I figured HK is still a good option since: (1) the food is goooood ; (2) weather will be nice and autumn-y ; (3) pretty good place to shop, eat and sightsee - a good travel itinerary mix. So off to HK we go!

I also already know what my birthday gift from Dennis is. And I love love love it!!!! I'll attach a sneak peek slash clue below on what it is :)

I am very, truly, deeply grateful. I know that being pregnant is one of the dreams I asked to be realized before I turn 30, but even if that blessing wasn't given in the time frame I asked, I believe and humbly pray that it will come true soon. I guess timing really is out of our hands.

Nonetheless I do feel so blessed. I feel I've used the last decade very fruitfully, responsibly and lovingly. Let's review a bit on how the past 10 years have been like for me:

- Education : I graduated college at the top of my class and bagged a pretty good job afterwards. I also embarked on post-graduate studies and finished it with distinction honors, while still maintaining a fulltime job and teaching on the side.

- Love and Family : I met and married the love of my life. I left the care of my parents but continue to be just as devoted to them. I am still my brothers' big sister on whom they know they can always rely.

- Money and Career : Dennis and I have been able to start a good nest, and are on track to paying off our mortgage by 2013. I also now have a car in my name, at a cost that's almost free. I worked hard and took great care of my career; I have been very fortunate too to see my labor bear early fruit. I am thoroughly satisfied with my career progression, having bagged a manager position at age 25 and managing to end my 20s with a senior marketing position. I am also poised to be my boss' replacement / successor and I do feel valued by my bosses. I've been lured enough by other offers outside and this increases my confidence that the work I put in throughout these 9+ years have been worth it.

I also began a different career - teaching. While it means taking out 3 hours every Saturday for 5 straight months every year, I love teaching and I love my students. The pay is minuscule, if you only consider the paycheck as the payback. But if you count the joy, fulfillment and peace that comes along with the task of being a professor, you'll find that the exercise is worth it thousand times over.

- Travel : The past 10 years featured travel to the US/Canada, Middle East, Europe and Asia. Travel really is a great teacher and I'm grateful to have had these opportunities.

- Friendship : I forged 3 of my most solid friendships during this decade. Filc is one of the blessings in my 20s and I'm so thankful to have these girls in my life. I also met Jane and Karen - my two "ate"'s who guide me and have been the ate's I never had. I stayed in touch with old friends I met as a child and I'm thankful for them. I have the best professional team in TNT too! So all around, this arena of my life has been a resounding success.

I thank God / Buddha so fervently for all the above. It has been a good ride- my 20s. My 30s definitely have large shoes to fill. Pressure! Haha! I hope I've done my share - charity, giving back to my school/s and upholding a good spiritual life- in deserving all these blessings. I promise to not take anything for granted.

Happy birthday to me! :)

Revelation - the best 30th-bday gift of all!!!

Ok, I just got the best gift to mark my turning 30.

Atty and I went to see a genitourinary doctor yesterday and he gave the best explanation re: infertility that we've ever received. I just think it's very sad how OBs do not work in conjunction with this little-explored medical field. I can imagine how many diseases can be prevented by doing this initial step first. And it's not just for infertility, mind you. Lots of babies are born via going through an infected genital tract of the mom and hence contract many infections that otherwise could've been prevented. Likewise, a lot of things can be impaired by infection. Even the big C is initially triggered by an infection. Sounds so simple yet no one really bothers to get their genitals checked regularly, the way we normally do for our blood or heart or lungs. But the fact is, the genitals are probably the most prone to infection, given the ways and frequency that they are used. Yet maybe it's the lack of awareness plus stigma that's associated with the genital tract that is the culprit for keeping this field under wraps.

Truly, it was a day of revelation and it's the first time that this journey made sense to us. I'm so grateful. There is so much to tell with regards to the background of this field and I'll be too happy to share with anyone who asks.

I'm so grateful. The birthday is complete even before it has happened. Knowledge truly is power.

Another thing that struck me yesterday was the realization that, despite instincts to do otherwise, one should never trust or put faith into a doctor. Not that there's anything malicious with your doctor. It's just that doctors are only human-- busy and distracted by many other concerns just like you and me ; just as potent for mistakes and errors just like you and me. Hence, see your doctor as merely a contracted agent to help you along with your medical situation. Do not put blind faith on him or her, because you will only do yourself a disservice. Try to understand the facts and make your own conclusions, with the help of the medical community. I say "with the help", not the sole responsibility of the physician whose care you are under.

I realized this because I think that's how I saw my past 2 OBs. I saw them as experts in their field; hence, who am I to not fully believe what they say. But all along, my gut was uneasy with the term "unexplained infertility" and while I had bouts of "whatever will be, will be", the nerd in me struggled to put blind faith on anyone. And I'm glad it kinda paid off. I mean, we're not pregnant yet and I'm not saying this is the only answer and we'll be smooth sailing already. It's just that it feels good to have information and gain new understanding (and respect) for our bodies. It's liberating, like a huge weight just came off. Faith implies so much pressure - and unnecessary pressure in this case.

I am breathing really big gulps of relief. The unexplained has gotten a pretty good chunk of explaining. Whew.

Thankful

For fresh starts.

Yet another "next time"

OK, so last cycle is over. This one wasn't as bad as the Mothers' Day one, but it was definitely one of the hardest. I can't explain it - I guess it's the despair that makes this a bit different. It's my birthday month, i.e. the month I turn 30. I always imagined having a baby on the way (or already out) before this milestone in my life. And the realization that that wasn't going to happen was unlike anything I anticipated. It's a horrible combo of fear, despair, doubt and pain... I would never wish it on anyone.

I also realized something, this being the first time I brought up the idea of assisted methods. I was so "game" for it, seeing it as a possible way to solve this situation and realize our dream. He saw it differently. After all, my reaction was natural - I didn't have to do anything (save for the paying the bill part which we both participate in), I just need to lie down, bear some discomfort, then the procedure is over. For the man, it is an entirely different thing. While natural cycles depend largely on the woman's body, assisted measures depend largely on effort from the man (if you get my drift). Hence, it raises questions for guys, like "Does this make me less of a man?", which would tend to raise to shore varying emotions of pain and fear. So I said, we don't have to if he's not ready. I said early on in this journey that I will not sacrifice any part of my marriage in this quest for a baby, and I meant that. If my husband isn't emotionally or mentally ready for this next step, then we are not taking it. He will always be my first priority. Simple as that. A lot of this infertility thing is not simple - in fact it is so complicated. But this part is so clear to me. Clear as day.

Besides, I do believe that this has nothing to do with what makes a man and what doesn't. If something uncontrollable defined a man, then hair color or skin color would define a man as much as infertility does. Obviously, this makes no sense at all. What defines a man are, among others, how he treats his wife, how he treats people in general, how much love he can give and how much strength he can muster. All I know is THIS does not in any way define a man. Though I can understand where the question comes from, especially since I am all too familiar with the disappointment you cannot help but feel when your body lets you down. All my life, I had the impression that all you had to do was have sex and you'll get pregnant. Little did I know, this was a big fat farce.

So here we are in another cycle... another "next time". Sometimes I fear going through my FB feed, because when I see someone post a picture of a sonogram, or make a happy announcement, I can't help but feel this sinking feeling in my gut, this stab in my chest. But I push myself to do it anyway, because I cannot live in fear of this "thing" all my life. I will be able to beat it, I pray. But I can NEVER ever let it beat me. I can never let it beat out my capacity to be happy for other people and to wish them well. I can never let it make me bitter, angry or fearful. I have to fight it; otherwise, I will let it change me. For the worse. And if that happens, that's when I am truly defeated. So no. I am fighting back.

So, here's to another "next time".

PRAYER

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

The same prayer.

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

Another bag love post

Here's another bag I love. It's a Kate Spade Scout crossbody bag in denim, and it's special because Atty gifted me with it when I finished my MBA with honors. This blog held witness to my struggles with finishing the degree, so I think it's fitting that I make this post :)

Giving is indeed better than receiving

God is really a genius!!

I now know why I had that epiphany.

1. Dennis called me the other day, complaining about his blackberry's defective trackball. It's been bothering him for months and that particular day was just the really stressful kind that drives your patience thinner than usual. He wanted to throw the phone out the car window, and probably would have, if it didn't mean not being able to contact me. So it hit me! It was the perfect time to get him the S3 he has been wanting but will never spend so much to buy for himself. My husband is that kind of guy - the one who will spoil his loved ones (esp his wife!) but will hesitate to splurge on himself. It was the perfect idea!!! So after some scouting, I found a great price for the latest color Samsung S3 and surprised him with it tonight before we headed to our dinner and movie date. The look on his face was priceless!! It was a mix of confusion, shock and love. I loved it!!! Sooo much more worth it than any of the things I wanted. And because I will not splurge on those things anymore, the cost of the phone is doable for us. Love love love.

2. One of our kitchen doors got broken, due to age. It was a part of the condo that we opted not to change when we bought the place, since it still looked pretty okay. Hay. One big lesson learned. Better indeed to get everything new. Anyway, I got the work contracted and it seems to also cost quite a lot, since I can't exactly just change 1 door and not the rest. It will look ugly, so to redo the entire thing will cost more. In fact I even have 2 options to think of now : change all 7 lower doors only or change all 15 doors. Obviously all 15 means the most cost. So maybe 7 is a good compromise.

Anyway, so these are the 2 more urgent and more worth-it causes to pour money into, compared to the frivolous list I had. Truly a blessing to have realized and stopped myself before it was too late and we would've spent so much more than we were ready for. Instinct really is heaven's way of communicating with us :)

Mature epiphany

OK, I know this is a funny entry to post right after I make one about birthday and Christmas wish lists. Haha! But just today, while I was having lunch at home, I was struck by a series of thoughts:

1. I don't need a new bag. I definitely have more than a girl's fair share of bags. 'Nuff said.

2. My current macbook, while almost 8 years old, is still functioning. True, it has quite a number of kinks already, has crashed twice and has been hanging more and more often. But strictly speaking, it still works. And for as long as it still does its main functionalities, I do not need a new one. Yes, the new macbook air is really pretty and super duper light (one of my complaints about my current one when I take it to UA&P to teach with), but again, I don't need it.

3. The wallet I'm using now is the bordeaux-colored Gucci one that I snagged on sale about 6 years ago. I love it, despite its looking like it's been through WW3. Being a leather wallet, some corners look very worn down and there are quite a number of scratches. But despite that, on the outside, it still looks really pretty. And the leather still feels soft... Which leads me to my last point, I do not need a new wallet. This LV style that I quite like is also quite expensive - it's about 500 euros, which is incidentally also how much our quarterly SunLife insurance premium costs. Obviously, the latter is more important as it goes towards our future. I'm not sure it's very wise to put in a quarter's insurance money into a wallet, when the one I have is just as luxurious, pretty and, most importantly, functional.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: It's really tempting to make a gift wishlist, especially when a milestone birthday is coming up. It's even more tempting when your husband is so generous and offers to get you one of these 3 things for your birthday. But I need to take the high road and be more responsible. I have splurged some this year, and I've also saved some. So I need to continue to strike this delicate balance. Enjoy life, yet still be mostly sensible with money and put some away for a better purpose. We've already planned to go to HK to celebrate my milestone birthday, and I don't need to splurge on a material gift on top of that. Besides, a bigger savings account is also kind of like a gift --- a gift that keeps on giving, in fact :)

OK, I think it's off my system already. Yay! :)

Birthday and Christmas wish list

We're here in China!

Not in the pic are Kendrick, Ellen and Dennis :)

Bag love

I have a lot of bags, and I love them all. So why not start a chronicle of them?

Here's the first bag I'll feature. This bag is about my age and belonged to my grandmother. She's a very simple woman, mind you, so she didn't buy this for herself. Her sister who is based in the US and has much grander tastes gifted it to her. She has never used it though and the bag stayed in its box throughout more than 2 decades. This is why the leather is still so perfect - it still smells delicious, feels so soft, has no scratches and is just perfect! My grandma gave this to me when I got engaged, for it to form part of my dowry. It was the star, actually, because it was the most beautiful thing I owned.

I love it so much because it's something I'll always remember my grandma by, even next time when she's no longer physically with us. I also love it because it's so pretty and I would never otherwise get to carry one had it not been an heirloom.

❤❤❤

Hanging issue laid to rest

I mentioned a few posts ago that there's a career opportunity that I got really excited about - it's actually the one opportunity that got me psyched, in all these 7 years I've worked in Smart. Anyway, I'm officially giving up on the opportunity. It's been more than a month since the last update and I'm guessing that, while I may have made the cut in terms of qualifications, my pay grade may have been way beyond the level they need. Admittedly, if I were honest with myself, I'd say that I am overqualified for the position. I was just really interested because the training I would receive in that place was worth more than the incremental pay I would get. In fact, I was willing to take a paycut, can you imagine! It was that exciting to me. But I guess it's not meant to be. For better or worse, I guess it wasn't meant to be my next professional stop.

I am going for an interesting meeting tomorrow though. I hope that one pans out. :)

China!

Off to China next week for our annual family pilgrimage ;)

Thank you for my family, my husband and Santo Singkong.

2nd year!

Atty surprised me with this today ❤

Thank you, Lord, for him.

Domestic issues

So much issues with our housegirl -- health issues, actually. Praying everything gets resolved soon.

D&G II

In a week's time, we would hit our second wedding anniversary. 24 months of wedded bliss. I'm so grateful to have married the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate and my perfect complement. The past 24 months were not 100% perfect, of course. There were low moments, or more like moments when we were on opposite sides of the fence. But, as I said, these were just "moments", not even days, or mornings or evenings. Moments like an hour... a few minutes... And for that, I am so grateful. I'm grateful to have a respectful, loving marriage, to a respectful, loving person - someone who strives to understand my perspective and who is willing to let his pride and his guard down so we can come to a compromise and come together after taking opposite stands. I strive to be the same type of partner to him, and I hope I succeed more than I fail.

These 24 months were in part totally honeymoony - your typical "I can't believe you're mine forever" feeling whenever I wake up and see him beside me, the random discoveries about each other, the little things that we do for each other "just because" and the totally opposite but totally compatible bursts of realizations that "I can't believe it's already been 24 months" and "I can't believe it's only been 24 months!" Being married to Atty has been the best thing I've done.

These 24 months were also full of learning - about each other and about life. It is of no secret to anyone who reads this blog that we've been praying for our own little miracle to grace our married life. Sure, we did "not try" for the first 6 months of marriage, but the past 18 months have been almost exclusively focused on this dream. And this "dream", by any measure, has been the hardest struggle and harshest trial to-date. Apart from the financial costs associated with reaching for this dream, it is the costs to the heart that ask for a lot of recovery time and recovery love. While the wait and the monthly failure that we've faced so far do take a toll, I have decided with all my heart and mind that there is definitely one casualty that I am not willing to accept or sacrifice - and that is our relationship. I refuse to let our marriage disintegrate into clinical, almost sterile attempts to procreate and I refuse to give in to the negativity that sometimes feels like a magnetic pull. It's hard, I tell you, and sometimes I'm afraid I ask for so much of his patience and understanding, and that I may not be giving him the same amount in return. At times, I'm afraid that I may be pulling away from him whenever I take on the pressure myself or feel that he cannot possibly understand fully how I feel, because his body does not undergo what my body does. I feel those fears whenever I get tempted to shut him out, not bothering to explain how I feel, thinking that no matter how many words I use, he cannot possibly understand how it feels to have a bloated uterus from injection shots or super sore boobs for 8 days only for the soreness to disappear a day before the goddamn bleeding arrives. Or that even if you try to manage your expectations, the PMS-y symptoms buoy up your hopes for good news, and when that comes crashing down, the pain feels like an underwater current pulling you into a deep, unexplainable sadness that, in my head, someone without a uterus or a vagina cannot possibly understand. I try to catch myself though, whenever I feel like this, and try to snap out of the self-pity fog and realize that maybe his pain may actually be much bigger than mine, precisely because he cannot feel what I feel. The mystery behind how things actually feel inside a wife's body may translate into a wholly different level, but just as acute, pain to a husband. I cannot claim monopoly of pain, and he needs comforting as well. I've come to learn this and respect it these past 2 years.

These past 24 months were also about a lot of fun and a lot of blessings. We've been blessed to have visited a lot of places and taken a lot of trips. We've gone to Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong, KL, Paris, Rome, China and Thailand. We've also visited Boracay, Cebu and Davao, watched Broadway plays, tried out new places to eat and reached career goals. We've been able to enrich our savings account and even bought a second condo unit. We've been able to pay down our housing loan to the last 22%, and are on track to finishing the loan by end-2013. So many blessings. So much more than what we expected.

Truly, the past 24 months have been special - both for the good things they have brought (mostly for that!) and even for the tough times that came. I hope the next 24 months will be even happier, and (I just need to say it) also see the arrival of our dream.

Cheers to D&G II! :)

Waiting

Was told over the weekend, through a Buddha-mankind messaging system that we observe in our religion, to wait. To be patient. To know that there is a season for everything. To learn to stay still. To learn to let go, sit back, and... there it is again, wait.

I've been trying, and sometimes I think I'm successful, but there are times when waiting is just too hard and almost feels cruel. Time passes so painfully slowly when you are itching to get moving but you're obliged to stay put and.... wait.

OK, so let's wait.

Thankful for

My team, my boss and my job :)

Sofitel getaway

Had a short staycation at Sofitel from Sunday to Monday -- a way to "delay" the short holiday by way of changing our surroundings and hibernating, at least for about 20 hours straight. Loved it! First off, our room was upgraded to the next level up and to a bay-facing one, to my delight since I had only booked the cheapest room. Second, the room was newly renovated - another plus! The hotel wasn't too full too, I guess coz people felt the 1-day extra day off was "bitin". Glad they felt that way :p

We enjoyed the grounds, lounged around, swam a bit, had a long, leisurely dinner and watched 2 episodes of Suits in our room. This morning, instead of availing of the usual buffet breakfast, we opted for a simple, plated Pinoy meal. Loved the simplicity of the holiday, the serenity and quiet, the seclusion and the really comfortable room. My kind of staycation :p

Promotion treat!

I was not supposed to buy anything anymore, until my birthday when we go to HK. That was what I told myself the other day, after buying myself a top at Tala.

Then, today, while waiting for Atty to finish his meeting, I saw this ballet Mary Janes at Repetto. They had this in a red color and a really light taupe color that was to-die-for. I tried them on and miraculously the biggest size fit me. I was so surprised, because usually Repetto's biggest size would still be a bit of a snug fit on me. Curses, those tiny French feet! But these fit like a glove....

And they were on 45% sale, aka 5,400 pesos cheaper!

Temptation....

Temptation....

Temptation....

Then I told myself, this will be my treat to myself for my well-deserved, long-overdue promotion. I got the salary increase credited to my account last week, and the company kindly gave me the increase retroactive to January -- so 8 months worth of the increase! Told myself I will charge this beautiful pair to that increase, and promise to save the balance. I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning -- that is, withdraw the balance from my payroll and deposit it into our savings account. Promise!

So, yay! New shoes! Love love love. Been wanting a pair of Repetto's since I saw them in Paris when we went last year. Good thing I didn't buy then, and found these today.

Yay!

A promotion and a hanging opportunity

As of yesterday, my promotion to Sr Manager is official. I say it was only official as of yesterday and not as of two weeks ago when my boss told me, because I finally saw it in my payslip. Haha! Let's tell the truth, a promotion is only real when you see the moolah.

Anyway, the moolah ain't that big. It is actually pretty insignificant, I guess because I just got an 8% increase last month due to my annual performance evaluation. Needless to say, it is an achievement I'm proud of, not only because in my heart of hearts, I know I have worked hard for it but also because many people in the organization, and senior people at that, have affirmed it to me. I know that sounds kinda funny because if I already knew I deserved it, why do I need other people's validation? That is true. But I will not hide the fact that hearing it from other people has a different sense of fulfillment :)

There's also a hanging opportunity in the air! Of course, life has to have some sort of suspense!!

I interviewed for an opportunity late last year with a multinational company that has interested me for a while. Nothing materialized then, after that initial meeting. Until about 6 weeks ago, that is. I got a call and was asked to come in to meet several people in the brand management hierarchy. I met with them and am happy to discover that, despite my lack of experience in the area, was accepted into the position.

Alls well that ends well? Not quite yet. It's been about a week since the big boss has come back, and I was told she needs to approve my job offer, which was checked and rechecked by the HR manager to make sure that the salary level I asked for is truly based on my current scheme in Smart. No feedback yet until now. I honestly do not know what to think. I have also flipflopped several times in the past few weeks on whether this is still something I'm interested in. Now that my promotion is in place, I also feel like there's "kahiyaan" also mixed into the equation now.

So what now?! As I said in the title, it's a hanging issue. No resolution yet. I want to and am hoping to see an actual offer to respond to, so I can close out this chapter in my life and move on. I'm counting on this company to be professional and extend me the courtesy of rounding up our discussion and not leaving me hanging. Let's see! For now, yay on the promotion!:)

Ops Smile update!

We received the update from Operation Smile about the little girl who benefited from our donation. Warms the heart in ways that no amount of self-indulging spending can do. :)

We plan to do this regularly, with the next one in October when I celebrate my big 3-0! :)

Exciting purchase

Atty and I went over to the sales office last Saturday, intending only to inquire about the new promotion on payment terms. Little did I know, the visit will end with us confirming our interest and telling the agent that we will be back the following Monday to place our reservation fee.

Yay!

We bought a studio unit at the Tower E of 

Double yay!

I'm excited!! Not only is the property beautiful, it is also poised to rise in value once the turnover is completed in late 2015. The agent also told us that Rockwell bought the adjacent lot to the Grove and will be developing a smaller version of the Rockwell Center there. This assured the logical side of my brain which was trying to forecast the risks and returns of this investment. The emotional side of me was doing cartwheels though, because to be honest, this emotional side of me was envisioning never having to sell the unit and just using it as a half-way house of sorts -- a nearby Anvaya, where we can rest and relax, just to get away from our usual surroundings, without having to leave Metro Manila. All the comforts of "away" without the hassle of travel. Triple yay!

So psyched :D

And so thankful too, for the blessings in our lives that enable us to make this purchase.

:)

Opportunity (like life) is unfair.

Okay, the main thing that marred this past week (the first full week of August 2012) is the rain-with-no-name --- the nameless devil of a waterworld that took Metro Manila by surprise. My family and I were fortunate enough not to be affected by the bad weather. In fact, the second day, Wednesday, my youngest brother even stayed with us in our condo, because I refused to have my dad drive all the way from Laguna to pick him up in Makati then drive back to Paranaque. Not in the middle of that scary-looking 5pm-looking 3pm sky and the relentless rain. I count us to be so incredibly lucky, to have a solid roof above our heads, no water on our feet and enough food in our ref. We have enough resources to get back to normal, even assuming we get affected. I have colleagues who actually got flood damage, but I also still count them as lucky because they are able to get back to normal AT WILL. Choice is really something so crucial and so important in this life, because it's something majority of Filipinos do not have.

There were also a number of relief operations, one of them held in my alma mater and where I currently teach part-time. While I felt bad for the people who lost their homes, I have not been compelled to take action, mostly because I didn't particularly like the idea of providing temporary relief, to tide hunger over, etc. Not that these are not important, take note. I know that they are. But I guess with our many other disasters, and many to the point that they are probably semi-annual at this point, I am guilty in saying I've been a bit desensitized in terms of making the effort and helping out.

That is, until today.

I walked in to my classroom, prepared to start my lecture for the day. Then I realized one of my most diligent students, who always sits on the front row, was absent. I asked his best friend why this is so and she sadly told me that he is currently still stuck in the evacuation center in Marikina and is unable to come to school, because he has no money for fare, no school shoes, no things and no clothes. This is because his family lost everything (whatever small 'everything' that they had) in the flood. He is also unsure as to how to rebuild their lives. I would say that coming back to school is probably not the biggest priority right now.

My heart bled for this kid. You see, he is a full scholar and comes from very humble beginnings. In a school like mine, he is the overwhelming minority. Most of the kids who go to this school come from very comfortable homes, born into this world with a chockful of opportunities, theirs for the taking. I am one of these kids, so I am comfortable in saying that these kids have never had to want for anything. On the other hand, here is this full scholar, a bit awkward and intimidated in this classroom-full of well-dressed, well-heeled students, who speak English more like a primary language than anything else, and who probably never even gave a second's thought to things that constantly worry him. It seems so unfair, for Cris (that's his name) to have worked so hard so far in his life, to be able to go above his humble past and carve out a path for himself, to be forced by circumstances to start all over again. Whereas his other classmates probably relished the 2 days with no classes because they didn't have to endure any major personal damage by the bad weather. To use an analogy, his other classmates have had all resources at their disposal all this time, to build a tower worth of blocks. On the other side is Cris, who is building his tower with dilapidated blocks and an uneven floor. Then nature comes by and knocks Cris' tower down, and nary a block out of place among the towers of the other kids. Makes me want to throw things and scream right into Life's ear. WTF.

I'm not judging rich kids, take note. I'm just saying how badly I feel for kids like Cris, who have had to fight tooth and nail to get opportunities that come so easily and almost automatically for other chidlren. As someone said before, it's the luck of the draw at birth - to get the kind of cards you're dealt.

So I plunged into action and collated monetary help (which is what he needs the most) to give to him to help his family rebuild... and hopefully get him back to school ASAP. I have also offered to buy him new shoes and new school supplies. The last thing I want is for this calamity to affect his studies -- the one way he can work at to improve his family's way of life. I want to do what I can to make sure he gets back on track ASAP. It's not been fair, so I'd like to try to help him get back up.

Just a bitch-out post, I guess. I wish life were just a tiny bit kinder to kids like Cris.

My brother's wedding, some advice and hopes on moving-forward

Some updates of late:

It was my brother's wedding last Saturday. Boy was it an emotional day for me! I cried twice during the ceremony and again during the reception when I gave my speech as matron-of-honor. I couldn't help it - I kept getting overwhelmed by the fact that my baby brother was getting married, and that things are not going to be the same. Granted, they will change for the better, but still, I guess nostalgia is really a huge-assed tearjerker.

The wedding was beautiful! I can't sing enough praises about my new sister-in-law, who was really a master organizer. Every little detail was accounted for and thought about, and she made sure that suppliers really made her dream a reality, all within reason, of course. She's such a joy to watch and to observe, and I really give it to her because I think most of the wedding was prepared by her and not my brother (really, it's brides in charge of the wedding for the most part :p)

It was also a day marked with lots of "are you pregnant yet?" questions. Of course, I expected these and hence was able to take them in stride. I think Atty didn't though (I guess coz boys don't really think of that consciously) and hence was getting agitated whenever a well-meaning (or otherwise, as he would sometimes insist) relative or friend would touch my belly and ask if there's "laman". Sometimes, just to make light of the situation, I say, "oo, may taba". Hehe.

We also got very good advice from the sister (and brother-in-law) of the bride, whom incidentally are also good friends of ours. The BIL of the bride is actually Dennis' good friend from law school. They talked about their journey to parenthood and gave us lots of insights to chew on. Really helpful perspectives, especially coming from a couple who struggled for 7 years before finally conceiving. She's due on Friday. So excited for her!

It's also been a really grueling past couple of days at work for me. These few days were also marked with lots of realizations, on top of lots of stress. My boss is currently on maternity leave and as a result, I am filling in for her as OIC and am getting lots of upper-management exposure. Some people would term this time as a good opportunity for me career-wise. Generally, I would agree. However, with what I've seen these days of what upper management is really like, I think I've most much of my innocence in terms of shedding any romantic ideas I may have had before about our bosses.  And I am now even more hopeful and anxious regarding the next path that I can take, given what I have seen and how I feel about those things. Sorry for not getting into much detail, but just be content in knowing that I am very disillusioned. And I've always said that career movements always have 2 components: a push and a pull. There is a force that is pushing you away from your current capacity and there is another force that will pull you toward it. Simply put, you often have a reason to leave and a reason to join. I'm hoping that the latter can be crystalized soon, as the former is definitely in the bag after what I went through these past 3 days.

Please!!!

That's it. July is about to be done, then it'll be August soon, and then... the BER months will be here! Time flies! 2012, I have high hopes for you! Please bring me everything I wish for!!!! :)

Oh, wait, one more update. This year, for Atty's birthday, since our trip was really ultra cheap (less than 2k for our tickets and free hotel accomodations), he decided to further celebrate by doing a life-changing good deed for someone. So we decided that it will be a child, and the life-changing help will be in the form of sponsoring his/her operation to take out a cleft lip. This led us to Operation Smile, to whom we donated 15k for the full sponsorship of 1 cleft operation. We're expecting the full report tomorrow or Friday, and I can't wait to see it and see the face of the little kid whose life has been improved vastly through our donation. It feels really good to bestow a gift as life-enhancing as this, to a child who does not have the financial means to have this corrective surgery. I also cannot think of a better way to thank God for having brought Atty into my life. Without him, I really cannot imagine how life would be like.

:)

Mini break :)

We went to Cebu last weekend to celebrate Dennis' birthday. While it was probably the shortest (and nearest to Manila) break that we had, it was good enough and it came at the right time. Dennis was having a really long, stressful week before we went, and the trip became the best chance for him to recuperate without the physical stress of travel. He was so relaxed during our trip, and even if some clients still insisted on calling and texting while we were there, I could see that he was still detached from work.
It was a good break made up of good food, lots of downtime, and a precious visit to the temple where we got the best answer EVER! Will share this in the coming months when it does come true :)

Happy birthday to my Atty! :)

13 days to go...

til my brother's wedding!

Excited! :D

Teaching SY2012

Last Saturday was the first day of my teaching stint for SY2012-2013. This is a particularly huge class - I have 43 students!!! That would be challenging in terms of cramming in all of them to do the presentations and output in class within 3 hours, and challenging (on a more basic level) to remember names and faces. Oh well. I can do this!!!!!! (I hope!)


Anyway, just wanted to add that I discovered something a bit peculiar last Saturday. I don't know if it's because this is my 4th batch and I'm gaining a bit of reputation, but I gathered some feedback (both through directly asking and indirectly sourcing) and discovered the ff:


1. The kids are intimidated by me. I officially have a rep for being a tough teacher.


2. The kids think I'm some kind of marketing genius. Apparently, there is a story circulating that to-date, I hold the highest IMC GPA record. I have NO idea if this is true. I only know that I topped my batch in terms of GPA when we found out we made it to the 5th year. Apart from that, who knows?! I actually kinda don’t appreciate this sort of thing going around, especially if the story came from the school itself. I have a feeling it did, because.. really, how else!? I really wish this wasn’t going around.


3. The kids are all happy to have "gotten" me or my class.


4. All my previous batches feel like experts after finishing my class. Last year's class even regard some of their current 4th-year classes as easy, after going through me. This is my fave feedback and makes my heart swell with joy :) The third one is quite cool too. It's really good for self-esteem to find that kids hope to land in my class. But feedback 1 and 2 are really quite strange for me. I already explained why I don’t like feedback 2. But as for feedback 1, I'm now examining myself if I do exude any "terror" or "tough teacher" vibe. All this time, I felt I was a fun teacher. Hindi ba?! Haha!!


This class will be a big challenge for my teaching skills, I know it. But I'm also excited. Last Saturday, I caught some of the usual expressions of comprehension I normally look for when I lecture. And I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels whenever I see that I'm getting through to a student, or that I've imparted something they've never thought of before. It's value-adding and life-enriching, and I'm eternally grateful for this opportunity. Because of that gratitude, all my future students can be rest assured I'll keep trying to improve my teaching so that I can always be a better teacher than the previous year's.

Life's work

My brain (and body) have been so overworked this whole week. Even if there was a holiday on Tuesday, I still feel so overstretched and overworked, having worked on strat documents befitting executives several notches and levels above me. I'm still happy about it though, tired muscles and brain cells and all... Because I got validation that I am : (1) f*cking good at my job ; (2) enjoying my job immensely. With all the crap that goes with it, with the compromises and agreements that the marketing purist in me resists, I really do love my work. And this is the kind of work I've always been meant to do. There's such a sense of accomplishment, of validation and of identity in discovering that where you are professionally is where you are really meant to be in. There's also that special spring in step and special bundle-of-excited-nerves feeling after presenting a deck successfully. There's that sense of pride in having applied what you learned and practiced what you love. In the end, practice is repetition and doing what you love repeatedly can only bring you repeat joy. This is indeed my life's work. No matter how much I may whine sometimes about being a fulltime wife (and even a fulltime mom in the future), I know in my heart of hearts that my happiness will not lie there. There is a big part of me that relishes engaging in marketing work, and I fear that compromising that part, even if it is for personal quests like family, will ultimately lead to a boring, unfulfilled life.

And for that, I'm grateful that this week happened. It feels good to know that my spot under the sun is where I really belong. :)

Take note:

There are multiple ways to make a dream a reality:)

sad day

Yesterday was one sad sad sad day.

All I want to remember of it is my husband comforting me, hugging me and singing to me so I'll feel better. I just want to remember his steady arms holding me firmly as I cried, letting me lower my guard and let all my frustrations and disappointment out. I want to remember his loving words devoid of any judgment or impatience, full only of understanding and love. I only want to retain the memory of him telling me he is 100% with me on this journey and that the way he feels about me will not change regardless of the outcome of this quest. He offered me options, leaving it to me to choose which next step to take - to forge ahead or to take a breather and a step-back. There was no pressure, no questions and no demands. There was only love.

That's all I want to retain of that day. Nothing else.

Next chapter coming up...

Less than 6 months to go until I turn 30. Some people told me there's no difference compared to the 20s, whereas others warned me that skincare will now take more effort (coz beauty upkeep comes at a higher level of commitment when you go past the 30 mark). Let me share some thoughts I have about this chapter-turning event, at least some musings I've had since I started thinking of how to celebrate this milestone.

1. It is not the same as the 20s.

- I mean, let's be practical. When I was in my 20s, at least the early 20s, I didn't know what the real world was like. I didn't have a clue as to what being a full-fledged adult was like. True, I was never what people would label as irresponsible or, gasp, wild, but still, that kind of innocence is something that is (or should be) a thing of the past when you've hit 30. If you still have it, I would tend to judge you for that. A lack of life experience over 10 years is not something to be proud of. I believe I know myself better now, and that I have a stronger handle on who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in, what I want out of life and what I need to do to get there. I also think I have less dependence on my peers and have more self-mastery.

- There are also responsibilities now, which the 20's didn't really include. Granted, I got married when I was 27 and started a bank loan then. But in terms of being fully responsible for my life, I think there's a marked difference between my 20-something self with my current, on-the-brink-of-30 self. I'm definitely what you would call more "boring" when it comes to spontaneous spending. Of course, there's always going to be the retail therapy sessions here and there (I am still a girl, you know), but there's someone else in my life now to consider when it comes to who I answer to. I am no longer just beholden to myself.

2. It's okay that it's over, because I think I used my time well. Good things come to an end, rightfully so.

- The 20s had its run and fun, and it was a good ride overall. I was able to achieve most of the dreams that I started out with, and I think my 30-year-old self will more or less be in the place that my 20-year-old self hoped it would. For example, I'm glad to have gotten married at 27, having found the love of my life 5 years prior. I'm glad to have a stable home and a good-sized bank account to fall back on. I'm also proud to be able to say I love the career I've set up for myself and that I'm in a good place professionally. I've been able to generate and earn the respect of my colleagues, some so much older than me. I've also seen enough of the world to want to see more of it. I've kept my promises and learned my lessons each time I fell.

- I'm also proud to be a "full person" when I turn 30 in 6 months. I mean this in the following ways:

- I'm proud of the person I've become when I met my husband and took the matrimonial plunge. I am glad to be able to say that I do not depend on him for anything apart from just loving me. I can pay for my own bills and can speak for my own mind. I can stand up for and by myself; I stand by my husband because I choose to, not because I need to.

- Same goes for my parents. I'm so happy that we have such a good relationship and I am viewed by them as an adult worthy of being consulted. You do not understand how big of an honor this is until you meet and get to know my parents, who have one of the highest expectations ever created. I am proud of myself for having earned their respect and admiration. I have their love by virtue of being their child, but being viewed as an equal with my own valid opinions and decisions is purely discretionary on their part. Hence, I treasure this in a way that's different compared to having their love.

- I'm proud of the sister I've become - someone that my brothers seek out for advice and depend on for support. Again, I have their love as a birthright. But the rest is purely a gift from them and a testament to the sister I've become.

- I'm at peace with the person I've become, and I think at the end of the day, that's what matters. I can look at myself in the mirror and can sleep well at night, knowing that I've been as authentic to myself as possible. There's no price in the world that can pay for that.

3. It's only the beginning!

- While 30, to be honest, really sounds like a big number to me, I think the best is yet to come and this is only the beginning. Just thinking of how the next 2/3rds of my life (assuming my life expectancy is in the range of the 80s-90s) is enough to get me excited! So much to do, so much to see, so much to go to and so much love to give and receive!

- I read somewhere that the 20s is when you try to figure out what you want to do with your career. Your 30s is when you get the needed skills and exposure to equip you to achieve the career apex you want. Your 40s is about wealth generation. This is when you'll be at your most productive. Your 50s is when you try to wind down and see what else you want to involve yourself in apart from moneymaking. Your 60s to 70s is when you enjoy the fruits of your labor, hoping to have as minimal regrets as possible. So yes, the 30s is just the beginning of my career! Looking forward to better opportunities.

- Obviously, as this blog has said over and over, I want my 30s to be marked with the births of my children. :) This would be the biggest gift ever.

I'm still thinking of how to celebrate this upcoming decade, but maybe as opposed to just celebrating it as a milestone birthday, I'll also think of it as an opening salvo to the next chapter of my life. I've done well so far, in my humble opinion, and I'm so grateful. Now I can't wait to see how the next part unveils :)