Some more updates if you'd like to hear them

OK, this is turning into an infertility blog, without any explicit intent for it to turn out like that. I guess it's unavoidable, infertility being the biggest battle of my life and the thing I think about on an almost daily basis. I'm not even sure who follow this blog, but I apologize in advance for the barrage of infertility issues discussed here. If you'd like to read more about my journey with it, then read on. If not, feel free to close this page.

Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.

Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.

The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!

But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.

Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.

The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/

So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

Out with the old, in with the new! Last day of the Year of the Snake tomorrow. Be our lucky year, Year of the Horse!! 

Motherhoodwinked

It may be really early in the year to proclaim this but this book is perhaps the most remarkable book for me this year. 

I've never finished a book in under 2 hours before, and that's still with some parts reread for emphasis at that. This autobiography gripped me like nothing I've ever read before -- I saw myself in Anne's story, felt everything she felt and cried when she cried. She's right-- infertility is such a rarely-discussed topic and because of that, women suffering from it can feel so devastatingly alone and isolated. It's bad enough to have to cope with such overpowering emotions all the time -- anxiety, doubt, anger, disappointment, envy and fear -- it is even worse to have to bottle them up for fear of being misunderstood. 

I could relate to so many things she mentioned and went through. There were times I found myself nodding along or laughing out loud or just stopping -- because she had pointed out something I also felt or did but didn't quite notice. For instance, she talked about infertile women putting their lives on hold, not planning long-haul trips or making commitments months down the line, in consideration of the possibility of being pregnant. Life can tend to revolve around a future state, rather than being enjoyed at its current (though childless) glory. I can also relate to not shopping for clothes, or more often in my case not buying anything too formfitting or unstretchy like slacks, assuming it will be a waste because I'll eventually get pregnant and cannot wear them anymore. These adjustments, no matter how small, are peculiar to women dealing with infertility, and it's high time they see the light of day, because keeping them under wraps just make a hard situation unnecessarily tougher. 

I cried with her too as she went through the many let-downs and the journey through two rounds of IVF. I cried too, this time with joy as if I knew her personally as she discovered she was pregnant after the second try. I sobbed as well as she discovered the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and had to be taken out through D&C. It's such a scary journey -- this one I'm (and lots of other women are) on -- and it's one filled with more questions than answers, more doubts than guarantees and riddled with physical, emotional and mental strain-- both on you and your marriage. Science is only one part of it. That's the part people who are spared from this usually know about. All the other tests -- tests of love, tests of faith, tests of priorities, among others -- comprise the other unspoken and unseen ones. They can be much, much harder to navigate; sometimes it's hard not to think maybe this quest is starting to take on a cost you are not be willing to bear. 

Great book by a great writer, who bravely shed light on such a difficult topic. Reminds me of this woman I met a few weeks ago during a session on fertility fitness. She suggested us starting a support group about infertility, as she shares my feelings about how isolating this journey tends to be. Maybe I should give her a call....

52-week challenge, put to better use

OK, so I started the year embarking on this 52-week challenge where you save a certain bit of money every month and hopefully, you keep at it so that by the end of the year, you discover you have successfully put away a significant amount of cash.

I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.

This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.

So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.

It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?

Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.

Happy weekend!

:)

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up.  I guess it's half timing,and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life."  ~ Michael Buble

Reminder! :)

Letting Go

That's the best way I can describe this 2013. This has been a year of letting go, letting God, and letting be.

Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...

For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.

We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.

So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.

That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)

Viral exanthem and an unexpected long holiday

Atty contracted a nasty viral fever and rash combo last week (Dec 12) and it resulted to an unexpectedly long holiday for us. While I wouldn't want him to get sick anytime of year, I'm grateful it happened during this time when work really winds down anyway and he can rest at home without compromising his work commitments and requirements. And since I was already on leave, liquidating my unused 2013 days off, I was able to care for him without feeling guilty about missing work or leaving my boss hanging. So I guess there's not much to complain about. Being stuck at home for days and days also felt like a mini holiday, plus with the horrendous traffic outside, it wasn't so bad at all to be cooped up inside. 

And the good thing is, according to the doctor yesterday, his rashes should fully clear up by the 22nd or 23rd, just in time for Christmas! Woohoo!

So, the end of 2013 looms nearer and nearer. Time for my annual reflection post. Will put it together in the next few days, along with our yearly FILC survey :)

Ok, attention: me

So apparently....

1. We have an infection again. This time, the doctor assured us these are "post-party" organisms and can be expected to show up after the bigwigs are deado. So in a way, it's an improvement. Sort of. 

Dennis is really so much steadier and more level-headed than me. I was initially feeling dejected by the news but he assured me it was okay and we're just not meant to finish by 2013. Okay...... Fine.....

2. My progesterone and estradiol levels post-ovulation may be within normal range but are sub-optimal. This means that to satisfy our objectives, I need to be hitting the upper portion of the range. And my results, sadly, fall more on the lower side. Another big sigh. 

Not much can be done on this end though, apart from acupuncture. I am too scared to be tampering with hormones. 

So there. A little update on our baby-wishing quest. 

Haha! Listen to me. I better switch on the positive mood before the weekend kicks in!

This describes how I feel about work!!! :/

PARASOL

The business is up! Moving slower than I would have wanted, but my business partners and I are all fulltime professionals, so it's also expected. But finally, it's up, and hopefully it works out! Please support! :)

We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967

:)

Heart

So, I took a hysterosalpingogram last Saturday in Makati Med. A bit of a backgrounder, back in Feb 2012, when I first went to see a fertility specialist, I was told that one of the first steps in determining what I'll need to do in fertility work-ups is to get my fallopian tubes tested, to see if they are patent (meaning they are open and there are no obstructions for egg meeting the sperm). There are 2 ways to go about this: doing it via sono (meaning an ultrasound probe goes inside along with a catheter through which water will pass) or via hystero (meaning an x-ray procedure where a dye is pushed up via catheter). The good thing with the latter is it gives the OB an aerial shot of your uterus and tubes, and be able to see much more than a sono does. The bad thing with it is it's much more costly than the sono and if your doctor doesn't suspect any uterine abnormality like fibroids or endometriosis, then the sono can do. Back then, we decided on the sono, since we were still very optimistic that it will only take a few months before we successfully get pregnant and because our doctor then said it should be good enough.

Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).

So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.

So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.

After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.

To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.

Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.

My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.

As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.

So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.

Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.

Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.

I'm ranting.

OK, back to work.

Bittersweet dream

I had a dream the other day. Dennis and I were together in the bathroom (I know, weird right? But continue reading, this won't be a TMI post), and I was about to take a pregnancy test. We both watched as the liquid slowly went up to the testing window of the small plastic panel, and revealed two dark lines. Positive, in other words. I remember the feeling of bliss, joy, elation, happiness and all other words synonymous to pure happiness so vividly, I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. The feeling still felt so so so so real hours and days after that morning. I hadn't experienced anything like that before -- that kind of unadulterated, almost out-of-body sense of pure happiness, and it was unlike any pain I've also ever felt in my entire life.

OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.

As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.

Busy-bored

Realized something yesterday. While this line of work is very busy (busier in some ways than my previous job, because it covers 3 separate companies and involves shadowing a very busy man), I am also tremendously bored by it. As in I-can-fall-asleep-as-I-talk-or-think-about-it bored.

This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.

You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?

Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.

Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.

Thoughts

Okay, so everyone knows I'm about as corporate as they come, and while there have been some low points in my career so far, I need to remind myself that, for the most part, I have been extremely blessed. Probably 90% of my 10 years of working have been good- and the 10% that haven't been tiptop good were, at the very least, bearable. I've had only good bosses in my working life so far -- mentors that have made me learn & grow, not just slave away and work at their mercy. I have been financially and intellectually rewarded, and have handled some really good people as subordinates.

However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.

It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.

I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.

So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p

Thanks for reading!

Positivity

Amen!

Happy weekend!

FIBA

OK, there are many highlights to the 2013 FIBA Asia held in Manila. Gilas placed 2nd and booked a spot to FIBA 2014 in Spain. Manila did an amazing job hosting the tournament. Lots of game highlights can be found on youtube. But I only want to remember this one particular personal highlight: I was able to bring my family, especially my dad, to the FIBA games. My brothers loved the sport, and my dad loved the opportunity to be in the patron area and hobnob with the people he calls "VVIP". My dad is a starstruck corporate & political-scene fan, on top of being a basketball lover. The look of joy in his face was indescribable and the heart of a daughter beating inside my chest kept swelling up with pride and happiness. He got to take so many photos with these "VVIP"s and got to shake so many hands. He had a front-row seat to the feat that Gilas landed, and was among the thousands of cheering fans when they won that match against Korea. He was so happy and sent me a text last night expressing this joy and his gratitude.

You see, my dad is highly "choosy"-- it's supremely hard to excite him and elicit a reaction, and that makes this "achievement" mean so much more to me. Yes, it did cost me quite a lot of money to make it happen, but it was money so well spent. It's rare for me to have an opportunity like this. And I'm also grateful to have such a supportive and loving husband who didn't mind the expense and recognized what we were actually buying with that amount.

Love you, Papa - so much more than I can ever express.

A bit of TTC humor

Here's a bit of TTC humor to jumpstart this long weekend. I got my period yesterday and was feeling kinda low, as I was hoping the extreme relaxation at Siem Reap would've helped us bag our first pregnancy. Oh well, it's not meant to be. Dennis did cheer me up though by trying to act out a mini skit (I know, it's hard to imagine my teddy bear husband doing this but that's how much he loves me) showing how our baby is choosing to play peek-a-boo with mommy and daddy and teasing us before he/she makes the grand entrance.

The same idea is shown in this pic :p

Happy long weekend!

Siem Reap

is the "place we haven't been to before" vacation of 2013. We agreed that we will try our best to visit one "new place" every year, and there happened to be a great deal on airfare to Siem Reap (only 3,500 per person, yay!) so off we went to have a delayed celebration for Dennis' birthday.

And it turned out to be one of our favorite vacation spots. SR has a good mix of enough places to see and visit, and not too many distractions that will make you feel like sitting idly in a cafe and people-watching would be a waste of vacation time. It was a very chill kind of place, and we loved it! I think this was our most well-rested vacation, where upon arrival to Manila, we did not feel like we needed another vacation to recover from the vacation we just went on.

Food is cheap and good. The place is safe for tourists and there are many hotel options that don't break the bank (ours was a 4-star hotel at only $60 per night with so many free inclusions like free round-trip airport transfers, free laundry, free minibar, free breakfast & free room upgrade!). Shopping is a bit limited though, but the nice ones that are worth your dollars are also quite affordable. Tuktuks everywhere also make going around easy.

And of course, the reason one would go to SR would be to see the biggest religious complex in the world and one of the Wonders of the World - the Angkor Wat complex. It IS a must-see, at least once in your lifetime. It's marvelous how the complex was put up and how it remains so well-preserved until this day.

In fact, the Philippines can learn so much from SR. They maintained their best features / sites so well, and they take care of their tourists. Even their airport can kick all of our 3 NAIA's butts. Tsk tsk. To think this country just completely ended civil war about 12 or so years ago, and how well they have recovered and gotten back up. Galing!

So yes, visit Siem Reap when you can! :)

Mom-in-waiting

Both my sisters in law were briefly pregnant and are now both not pregnant anymore. One had a chemical pregnancy so wasn't technically pregnant, but hey a conception is a conception, regardless of whether or not it was able to implant. My other sister in law had a more painful experience -- getting confirmed to be pregnant, hearing the heartbeat, being told to go on bedrest then finding out that the baby no longer had heartbeat on its 8th week. I am only observing from the outside but even I felt immense sadness and can only imagine the pain of hearing the heartbeat only to have it taken away. I don't even want to think about it. How can a baby be there one second and be gone the next?

That's why sometimes I wonder if I am better off in my current situation of not having anything happen at all, rather than fall pregnant, be over the moon about it, get all excited and hopeful, only to come crashing down to earth. 

Then again, I guess all this is still worth it to go through, if only to learn from the experience, have a better chance next time and hopefully be able to give birth to a bouncing, beautiful baby. 

To each her own path, I guess. 

I pray for all broken-hearted moms-in-waiting. 

:-/

Trying not to be too let-down, even if we did get a tip already before to manage expectations. It's just so tough. 

I wish. 

I wish many things. 

Oh well.

Halfway through 2013

It's July 1, so that means we just passed the halfway mark through 2013. Lots to look forward to : Siem Reap in July, China in September, Bangkok in October and Baguio again in December. We would've added another trip in August but well, that didn't work out hehe. Also look forward to my husband pursuing hjs acqdemic plans-- which I prefer and support over the foreign-service idea before. Then before we know it, the year will be over and it'll be 2014! How fast! 

I am only human so let me get this off my chest....

Whenever I see posts from pregnant women who are whining, complaining or bitching (the stages of complaining) about their symptoms, whether it's morning sickness, fatigue, bodyaches, zits, etc., I feel like telling them, "Ok I'll take all your symptoms away but can that mean I take on your pregnancy for you too?" I know that I feel this way because they have something I don't have, but it just strikes me as.... Okay, since I'm getting ultra honest here.... as unbelievably ungrateful to be complaining about temporary discomforts when these are a small price to pay in exchange for a blessing that some women would PAY to have. The way I see it, the aches and pains come with the territory --- a territory that you presumably wanted  to enter in the first place. You've been blessed with a gift-- a gift not everyone gets to have-- so take it lock, stock and barrel. 

Because really, at the end of the day, women like me would KILL, PAY and BEG (choose whichever desperate action you prefer) to be in your acne-laden, nauseous, bloated and overly fatigued positions. We'll take all that in exchange for a baby on the way. We'll take your OB checkups over our fertility consults and invasive procedures. We'd rather be in your shoes. And you wouldn't want to be in our symptom-free, baby-free ones. If you knew just how closely infertile women stalk symptoms, magnify every little ache or nausea, in the hopes of joining your club, I believe you'd see your symptoms for the blessings that they truly are. 

It's like rich people telling poor people the hassles of having money. Or privileged kids in school whining about homework to street children. Or that they don't like the baon that was packed for them. Earns the "tang ina naman" response, right?

So please. Please choose which side you wanna be in. And take all that that side entails. You will not be uncomfortable forever. But you will be someone's mom forever. Some of us are still waiting if our turn to be that will ever come.

Ok, glad that's off my chest. If you're one of these women, please don't take offense. Nothing personal. Just a general sentiment. 

I will miss you and love you forever.

Day 1 -- My new (and first ever) room

Welcome to my new office!

New wallet! <3

<3

MD

So, it's the second year in a row that I got my period on Mothers' Day. Last year was pretty rough on me, but this year, there's been an improvement in how I received this, well, unwelcome visitor. I guess what's different now is that I am letting time & fate do their jobs. 

But still hoping and praying that I get the one promotion I've been praying for and the one completely and utterly out of my hands. 

Happy mothers' day to all moms out there. Hopefully, it's in my fate to join your ranks by next year. 

Bye for now

Bye for now to this super-convenient setup I have with my condo and my office. Bye for now to the hours of my life saved by just being 3 minutes away from my work. Bye for now to the peace of mind from being able to go home anytime I need to, whether my maid has a health emergency (one time she had a severe allergic reaction to tuna) or if I need to go home an d rest because I don't feel well. Bye for now to eating lunch at home, leisurely watching tv or catching a short nap before heading off to work. Bye for now to not minding OT work because I am just a stone's throw away from my condo (and my waiting husband).

I know it may seem like a small thing but I really do love this setup I've had for over 2 years now. It makes everyday just a sliver better. I need to say a proper good ye to this super convenient setup and start acclimatizing again to riding a vehicle to and from the office :p

Trips for balance year!

Apart from the annual Co Family trip to China every September, we have the following trips lined up for 2013 :

1. Siem Reap in July for Dennis' birthday
2. Bangkok in October with FILC and husbands

Yay!!!!

I'm in Chuvaness!

Haha! This really cracked me up. I was in Grace Park the other day, with a good friend of mine, and upon sitting, I already noticed the party in front of us, composed of Chuvaness, her husband and their really loud friends. I didn't really mind them anymore afterward though I noticed they seem to be in celebration mode.

Then 2 days later, voila! I'm famous. Haha!

My YMMA acceptance speech

Click here!

More changes a-coming....

So, apparently, the grand plan does not end at me changing bosses, which happened a bit under 2 months ago. This plan of epic genius-levels also involve me changing companies, along with my boss. This new change is still quite new and I'm not yet done processing how I feel about it, but with divine help, I am able to chart a course for myself and be entirely, utterly, 100% sure of where I want to go (and where I don't want to stay). I am so so so so so thankful for having this "tip" and being guided and protected and blessed by Buddha. Thank you, thank you. I acknowledge that not everyone has the same opportunity and not everyone will have their choice followed, and for this I am deeply grateful.

I also cannot help but concede, life really isn't about OUR plans. This is a tall order for me, because I am such a planner and a meticulous planner at that. I like to be prepared and I prefer to ready myself before making big leaps and changes in my life. But now I understand and accept that not everything can be controlled at my level. We may make our overall plans and direct our lives a certain way, but that has a limitation. It ends at the same spot where divine plans start. And I am in complete awe of this plan that Buddha has for me, to enable the course of my life to go in my favor and to protect me.

There are still many uncertainties, and the details have yet to be filled up and accounted for. But for now, what matters most is I am at peace with my decision and there's no turning back.

My YMMA Interview Video

Click here.

Time for a deadline?

They say a goal without timelines is just a dream. Recently, I've begun to wonder if we should start setting a deadline for... nature to run its course and set a point when we start going back to embracing the wonders of sciece.

It's a treacherous path to traverse. On one hand, you don't want to "run out of time" and feel that you should get your ass moving to be able to achieve this dream (or goal) that you have. On the other, you also think maybe some things aren't meant to be rushed and are not meant to be decided upon by anyone else but God.

What to do... What to do...

Alabang staycation

We checked into B Hotel in Alabang yesterday and are staying until tomorrow. So far so good! We realized that this may just be the best staycation spot for us because:
- The hotel we found had a reasonable set of room rates, but more importantly,
- Alabang is near enough to Makati yet far enough to make us feel that we actually went somewhere. This is important to instill a "we're on vacay" mindset.
- Alabang is not a usual destination for us. We probably only come by once or twice in a year. It's not only against Dennis' principles to pay so much in toll and other fees just to go to a city within Metro Manila's jurisdiction but also because there's not much to come for here that you can't get in Makati.
- Alabang is deserted during vacations such as Holy Week. Residents are either just at home or are out of town.
- I do love the wide, palm tree-lined streets and the fresh air. And the urban planning within the what I call "nice Alabang" is good and makes it easy to navigate.
- All the major facilities are available and a quality hospital is nearby in case you need to rush to the ER. We did today. Long story.
- There are some good eats to be had! A major selling point.
- Most importantly.... The vibe is so chill -- perfect for staycations. And the service crew are so nice and friendly. Thumbs up! Such a great place to spend this long break in. It has really recharged us, reset our brains and taken all our stress away. We do feel as refreshed as if we went away for a vacay. But less tired and less poor than if we went abroad.

So I guess we'll be back! ;)

New keds!

Found these on sale today and couldn't resist. Love them! :)

Mother-and-child

Once I laid eyes on this beauty, it immediately grabbed me and made me fall in love with it. For two days afterward, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Something in the tender way the mom caresses the child... The way the colors depict the warmth of her love.. The way the many layers of cloth wrapped around them make the viewer feel the same comfort... The way you see her skin, so open and available, the same way she will be to her child.. Love love love. So, it was decided, I had to have it.

So tadaaaaa.... Yey! Love love love!!!!

A friend of mine also told me to treat it like a vision board :) Why not?! Let's also pray this will bring magic into our lives and let the vision come to fruition :)

Our home

Our home is now officially ours!!! As of last Friday, that is. We handed over the last cheque to close our mortgage, release the title in our name and officially own our home and very first real property! It's one of the best days of 2013 already!:)

I'm so very proud of us for this achievement. Not only have we finished paying for this home, we've started on our second property and have also gotten a second car. We've dabbled more in stocks and have also (as of yesterday) bought our second piece of art (which I love love love, but will be discussed more in a separate entry). I'm so proud, and I'm even more thankful. Attitude of gratitude, as I like to say, is what I'm all about lately. I can't say thank you enough to Buddha for these blessings and for giving me the world's best husband. I know I complain sometimes and I pine for what (or rather who) I do not have, but deep down, I'm a million times thankful for the life I do have.

Thank you!!!!!!

Domestic Diva

Lately, I've been really into preparing delicious meals for my husband. I know that I'm as corporate as they come, and I really am, but there's really that special flavor of fulfillment when you excel in the homefront and are able to put a satisfied smile on your husband's face after a good meal. Especially now that he's on a diet and I want to encourage him to stay on it, I keep my eye open for recipes that are friendly to his diet's principles but are also yummy to the palate. So far so good! He's loving the dishes and I'm loving the fact that he's loving them! Hurray!

Who is this person I'm turning into? Hahaha!

#achievementsofadomesticdiva

Loved KL!

Our feet are so tired and joints feel sore, but it was a fun trip with the Chans! :)

"Gladys"

Saw this today and found it amusing :p

Here we go...

So I guess my new role starts today. With no prior notice and no warning, my (new) boss just invited me to the ManCom meeting today and I guess that was supposed to be my cue to start this new role.

It's just a bit offfooting, to report to someone so senior.  Half the time I'm just guessing what I should do next, or if a certain question in my head even warrants being spoken out loud to him. Since his rank is so much higher and he is not the type (and shouldn't anymore be) to delve into operational details, I'm left wondering how to figure out the kinks and the details without his explanation.

Hmmm..

Such strange territory.

Guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.

Oh and in other news, I got my period on Chinese New Year Eve. As I tweeted, it was such a poetic ending to the Dragon year - the year that was supposed to be "against" my sign. I was counting on it arriving tomorrow, actually, but no no no, as is the tradition between me and my lovely time-of-the-month, "she" just had to show up on such a poignant time. In the past, "she" also never passed on the chance to show up on a big day. When I was younger and in school, she would show her face on exam day or a big day like a student council election when I was running for office, or prom night, or the first day of school. When I started working, it would show up on my first day on the job or during a particularly stressful day. When I started wanting to get pregnant, it showed up on Mothers' Day.. and just recently, at the close of the Dragon Year. Hay. You little period, you. If I didn't know better, I would think you're picking on me. :p

Done deal

Change is upon us.

Time to get kikay-- 31 is around the corner!

Inspired by the Yahoo article, I want to get this from Benefit!!! It'll help me in the quest to stay "31-looking". Hehehe.

It's all clear to me now.

It's clear to me now which choice to make. Thank you, SSK, for the clarity and the sense of peace. I really cannot have everything. Sometimes, it's a matter of what kind of (potential) regret you will be more willing to live with. It helps decide which sacrifice is best to be made, for the sake of which blessing or choice you would rather have.

Thank you.

Truth be told, the decision was easy to make. Once I got a clearer view of the possible repercussions of each path, it was a NO-BRAINER.

But that's not to say there was no mourning to be done. There was. A good deal of it. For the professional in me. For the part of me that longs for achievement and professional actualization. For the part of me that LOVES this kind of work and LOVES the team I work with. For the part of me that has always been such a go-getter and never a by-stander. For the part of me that attaches a lot of self-worth to my work.

But maybe, all things need to end. Or at least you need to change some things around to get some things to change.

Get it? :p

Now, can we get a move on and get this done?! Game na ako! :)

"I Don't Know How She Does It"

If you've seen this movie, you know that strange feeling of wanting to be in 2 places at once, doing 2 things at once, and just basically wishing you can split your body into 2 and fulfill 2 roles.

I know that, in my last blog post, I wished for an opportunity to arrive, to get me excited again in my work days. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I love my team. But I realized that I feel like I've outgrown my current capacity and that I can still do more. I think this also started from my "subbing" for my boss when she is not around. I'm her right-hand (wo)man, and the time she was on ML and the times she would not be around, I would slip into her role as brand head like fish does to water. And while this makes me feel good that I am able to stretch myself to the next role, it also makes me think, "If I can fulfill that function and work at that (next) level, then how come I'm not yet there officially?"

Anyway, I know that I wished for an opportunity, and I guess when God hears a prayer, he REALLY hears it. Two opportunities are about to cross my way, and I thank the chance to be given a heads-up before I need to make a final decision. Route #1 presents the growth I wanted - to head a brand and be in charge of a business from start to end. Route #2 presents growth that I did NOT anticipate at all, but presents the possibility of a bigger growth trajectory. It is an opportunity with so much potency, which presents a stark contrast from route #1 which is so filled with certainty for me -- I can do that job from Day 1 and hit the ground running. This unexpected route #2 takes me out of my comfort zone and out of the career track I had built for myself. It also means it carries risk that I'm not sure I am prepared for - taking myself out of the "action" and being more consultative than executive. It's so far off from what I'm used to, and it's more full of "maybe"'s than anything.

And today, given that I am who I am, I became struck with an option. As opposed to just Route #1 VS Route #2, WHAT IF... Just WHAT IF... I ask for BOTH!

Wild, right?

I know.

I'm probably the only one who'd even consider such a thing.

But I am excited. It's the best of both worlds! Right?

And also scared. What if the "worst" of these 2 worlds prove to be more than I can handle? It's either I will high-five myself for a good choice made or I will kick myself for getting spread too thinly.

What about my personal dream of being a mother? What if these 2 jobs end up taking me farther away from that?

But then again, if I had to choose, which one?!

And since the BIG boss will be offering me the Route #2, is it even possible to turn it down?!

So many thoughts in my head right now. The overarching feeling is this excitement.. and hunger.. hunger to take it all on and not miss on an opportunity. Yet there's also this fear.. of biting off more than I can chew and being in over my head, and missing out on my personal dream. It's either I go for #1, #2 or a combo of both.

The combo sounds good..

Then again...

There's only 24 hours in a day and only 5 days in a working week. There are limits to my capacities, yet these are the same limits I am excited to push and see how far I can go. I studied so much and worked so well all these years, that I'm so excited to see where it can all take me.. how far up I can go and how much I can accomplish. Then again, when I do get pregnant and have a wee one, will I still relish the fact that my job is so challenging? Or will I curse the day I took it?!

Omg.

I am not making sense. How do high-flying career mothers do it?!?

Wild.

After everything I said, I still have no answer.

:-/

Meaning

As I read in a blog, "HAPPINESS fades away, MEANING is enduring."

I've been hoping to "stumble" upon what I hope can be my next professional step. It can be a new position in a new company, thereby replacing my current day-job, or a new project or sideline that can lead to something substantial, thereby adding an extra oomph to my usual day, especially when my day-job gives me the headaches.

I hope to be able to find it soon. I've been so inspired by my brother and sister-in-law, both of whom are happy to report that they've made a business venture out of their respective passions. I must admit it gives work a different dimension -- to be doing something that makes your heart sing and fills up your pocket as well.

Hope to get struck by my own lightbulb moment soon :)

Quite nothing like this

Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Dreamed of it, prayed for it, planned for it, hoped for it, visualized it almost every day. Asked for it, pleaded for it to the point of begging, willing to trade God all other blessings in exchange for this one gift. Knocked on the door of chance relentlessly and get no response. Then see other people get welcomed into the fold seemingly effortlessly.

Today, I hit a different kind of low in this quest to make our dream come true. I was hit by a thought -- I wish I can find a way to want this a little bit less. I wish there was some kind of lever I can maneuver-- a knob of some sort that I can twist downward-- just to minimize this yearning a little, tiny bit. Just enough to give me some respite from the emotional turmoil. I wish I have a way to want it less, so my heart can break a little bit less as well. Unfortunately, in a thing like this, there's no halfway mark. It's either you want it or you don't. And once you want it, there's no unwanting.

My heart is just so tired. It has sustained so much bruising I fear it has changed color already. It has cried a whole river and a half. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now, I just wish there was a parking bay I can take my heart to.

Paying it forward...

I've been blessed to have very good bosses in my 10 years of working, and at this point in my career, I care more about paying this "goodness" forward, rather than managing upwards and impressing upper management. I care more about mentoring young people, caring for their professional development and making sure that they stay inspired. Perhaps this is also why I enjoy teaching so much. For me, there is much more fulfillment in enabling others, rather than helping myself. Of course, this is not to say I don't do anything for myself in the corporate arena. It's just that I derive so much more contentment from the former.

Since I was on leave the last 5+ working days of 2012, I had missed receiving personally the gifts of my team. I'm attaching some of the notes that my younger guys had written me. It warmed my heart to read these notes this morning. What a great way to jumpstart 2013. You know you're doing a good job as a boss when someone refers to you as their "good karma." Being Buddhist, this compliment means 1,000,000 times more to me.

 

This is the best payoff for all that work done in 2012 :)

Hello, 2013!!!

You've been pretty eventful, 2012. Please stand up and take my grateful applause for a job well done. You saw me through the last stretch of MBA school and even gave me the lone distinction honor in my graduation batch. You had us go to HK twice, then to Singapore to catch Wicked, Bangkok to discover beautiful temples and to China with my family. You also pointed us towards the direction of The Grove and gave us enough prosperity to buy our second condo unit. You marked my 5th year as a Marketing Manager and surprised me with unexpected career highlights : a promotion to Senior Manager and the YMMA award! The 5th manager-year also gave me a new Innova (again, prosperity). You also made me a godmother the second time around, and gave my lola's health her nth wind. My brother married the love of his life, and my youngest brother is on his way to jumpstarting his dream business venture. You continued to bless my parents and my husband, especially in terms of their health and respective financial standings. You also gave me a rambunctious new bunch of students to teach, and new colleagues to mentor. You saw me mark my 30th year of existence and allowed me to spend it with my one true love. You brought fulfillment, prosperity and love. Thank you.

You were uneventful in only 1 area of my life -- my sweetest dream -- and while the fruit of this dream didn't materialize this year, you did pepper it with a lot of learning and personal realizations. I am grateful for the new knowledge and the comfort it brings.

And with that, I am fully ready for you, 2013. I know you bring more blessings with you. Always keep my loved ones safe and healthy, happy and together.

And my dream, please. Please let this be THE year. My heart is bursting with longing and excitement. You have no idea just how loved this child will be. Loved beyond your wildest intention and welcomed with the most open arms ever (remember, we are a tall couple with wide arms :p ).

Cheers!!!!!

No need for HK!

Baguio is the place to be in December! Just as cold and just as cozy! But not as expensive! 👍

Best gifts this year!

❤

Spend here, spend there

We've been spending more than what we earn, for the past 2 months. Bad bad bad.

Well, I guess we shouldn't feel too guilty since a huge chunk of it went to our medical bills with this treatment that appears to be working for us. Then the other half consists of Christmas shopping, bills, 13th month pay of our driver and maid, and remnants of our HK trip. Upcoming ones are the Baguio trip with my in-laws and the Malaysia trip with the Chans in Feb.

Need to be more conscientious come 2013 though. The math geek in me keeps tabs on how much needs to be put back in the account, for all this to break even. Let's pray for good Smart bonus in April so everything can even out.

:)

The RH debate

Here's the thing. I think people would normally assume because I have firsthand experience with infertility, I would be anti-RH and would be anti-contraception. On the contrary, I am very much pro-RH and am even more convicted about it because of my infertility experience.

The main point behind my stand is that I believe children should be born by choice and not by (unwanted) chance. My experience punctuates this even more. Imagine the joy and love poured upon a child because he or she was wanted, welcomed and dreamed of. Now imagine the reverse when a child is met by unwelcome surprise and dread. I know that children are a blessing (boy do I know that!) so all the more they should be conceived and brought into this world if the parents will be "deserving" of them -- meaning they will be able to give them quality of life, not just an existence of the barest minimum. Sex definitely starts the process of making a child, but being a good parent has nothing to do with sex.

I think this bill is at the heart of it, a population control or a contraception bill. Everything else like maternal care is already provided for by other laws. Sex ed is optional and only for secular schools (which can already mount these already anyway). And this pro-contraception part is what the anti-RH people are getting riled up about.

To each his own. If they feel their religious belief dictates that this is bad, so be it. But I believe in the separation of church and state, and the bill only gives access to these tools. It does not mandate anything. Choice is given to women and I think it's more an injustice to make a woman powerless over her body, than it is to let children go unconceived. An unwanted child is a sadder state to have than an unconceived one. I guess my stand is to spare the child if bringing him to the world will only give him a life of disadvantage. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

So yes, I'm happy congress passed it. Let's go, RHBill!!!

2012 cycles = not productive

Ok, it's official as of tonight. No baby conceived in 2012.

I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be. There were previous cycles that were much more emotionally tormenting, definitely. The worst so far was the period that arrived at effing Mothers Day, of all goddamn days. The second I am guessing would be the one in October when I came face to face with the reality that it wasn't going to happen before I turned 30. This month's... Well, I did hope, in the same way I would every other cycle. But I guess what's different this time is the sense of control-- that at least, I have some degree of control over our progress in this journey. And I owe this to our doctor. We have both registered very good progress, especially Dennis and his .. Well, swimmers. I'm happy that at least I know we're moving forward. This also makes me hopeful that our baby is on his way. That time may not be now but my heart tells me it will arrive. It's not going to be a question of if. It's going to be a matter of when.

Itaga mo sa bato. I believe.

That's what's different this time.

And though it doesn't make this period pain-free, the hope does make it bearable.

So there you have it, folks. Dragon really isn't my year, that I now know.

So every 12 years, I gotta keep my head low ;)

One other thing: I have the most amazing husband. He is so gentle with me and so understanding -- a great mix of strength and kindness. The antithesis of me. My other half. The only one in this entire world I will ever need. The only one who knows what my heart yearns for, even before my mouth can give off words to express it. The one I know I live and die for.

This is why our baby will surely come along. How can you pass up a daddy like that?

:)

It's a #Panalo day!

🎉

Addition to the wish list

Isn't it lovely?:)

I know I'm on a shopping ban but...

I really like this!!!

BFFs

My best friend surprised me with a Tiffany necklace for my 30th birthday. This gift, on top of it being a complete and utter surprise, meant so much to me because it's from my oldest and dearest friend and because it represented my most precious dream. I always felt the Elsa Peretti bean looked like the tiny bean that shows up in an ultrasound during early pregnancy stages. And getting it for my 30th and getting to wear it around my neck made it ven more special. Thank you, Li! Here's to BFFs who just sense what your heart needs and to friendships that withstand time and distance.

So far so good...

With this new doctor, at least.

We've seen considerable improvement in the 1 month we've been seeing him. It's the most amount of progress we've seen, especially when compared to our past OBs. Thank God. This doc is officially the best person I met this year (in relation to the FILC annual survey questionnaire hehehe)

Here's to hoping the progress keeps going! :)

YMMA

So, I got nominated twice to this marketing awards thing called YMMA - first by my boss and second by my good friend Neil. I initially filled out the info sheet but lost interest in putting together the main entry with all the details asked for. October was a jampacked month for me, with work obligations and personal matters, and the deadline was right on Oct 31. So I decided to forego the application. Besides, to be really honest, I wasn't so hot on entering. I guess watching Neil's awarding last February kind of made me feel iffy about entering -- all that attention and hoolabaloo.

So I thought that was it.

Then yesterday, the founder of this awards thing actually personally texted me, asking when they can expect my entry, even if it's well past the deadline. And guess what, he copied in my boss in his text message! Omg! Sinumbong ako!

So my boss goes to me and pushes me (or rather demands) to submit the data. Put it together now and submit it today. Exag!!!!!!

I still tried to get out of it but to futility. She was bent on it and if you knew my boss, she's the kind of person that pushes for what she wants.

So I'm sending it in today. Yikes.

:-/

My first day as a 30-y.o.

As the day comes to an end and the first day of my 3rd decade on earth will be over soon, I make a fervent wish for the next decade -- for this wish to mark these upcoming 10 years.

Please. Let it come true.

❤

HBD in HK!

Blogging now from HK! We're resting at our hotel, taking a break before we head out for my birthday dinner. It's been a relaxing trip so far, with the pace being very slow and chill, and the itinerary being wide open for whatever we may fancy. Earlier today, we went to Dialogue in the Dark -- a totally new experience of a tour. You enter a dark room with zero lighting and are guided by a blind tour guide. You are given a cane and instructions on how to navigate the grounds. We found it disconcerting at first since the place was pitch black and it's a bit weird to not see anything at all. But soon enough, the body adjusted and it was interesting to have all other senses heightened to compensate for the lack of vision. The tour started out in a forest garden then to a boat then to market, a normal street crossing, a store and finally a cafe. It was such a refreshing and humbling experience to step into the shoes of a blind person for 75 minutes. It made us more grateful people too. A nice way to start a birthday.

Then we explored Langham Mall - an innovative concept and an interestingu architectural building. We had a lunch feast of one of my all-time favorite food -- tonkatsu! Brilliant choice! Loooved it!!

Then we did some street shopping along Kowloon and Nathan Roads then it's back to the hotel for a bit of rest. Dinner tonight will be at Morton's. I'm excited.

❤

Project30 launches tomorrow!

So we're off to HK tomorrow for a 5-day trip to celebrate my birthday! Yay! I initially planned to go somewhere farther, specifically Australia. But with our recent medical bills, it wasn't very prudent to splurge that much. I figured HK is still a good option since: (1) the food is goooood ; (2) weather will be nice and autumn-y ; (3) pretty good place to shop, eat and sightsee - a good travel itinerary mix. So off to HK we go!

I also already know what my birthday gift from Dennis is. And I love love love it!!!! I'll attach a sneak peek slash clue below on what it is :)

I am very, truly, deeply grateful. I know that being pregnant is one of the dreams I asked to be realized before I turn 30, but even if that blessing wasn't given in the time frame I asked, I believe and humbly pray that it will come true soon. I guess timing really is out of our hands.

Nonetheless I do feel so blessed. I feel I've used the last decade very fruitfully, responsibly and lovingly. Let's review a bit on how the past 10 years have been like for me:

- Education : I graduated college at the top of my class and bagged a pretty good job afterwards. I also embarked on post-graduate studies and finished it with distinction honors, while still maintaining a fulltime job and teaching on the side.

- Love and Family : I met and married the love of my life. I left the care of my parents but continue to be just as devoted to them. I am still my brothers' big sister on whom they know they can always rely.

- Money and Career : Dennis and I have been able to start a good nest, and are on track to paying off our mortgage by 2013. I also now have a car in my name, at a cost that's almost free. I worked hard and took great care of my career; I have been very fortunate too to see my labor bear early fruit. I am thoroughly satisfied with my career progression, having bagged a manager position at age 25 and managing to end my 20s with a senior marketing position. I am also poised to be my boss' replacement / successor and I do feel valued by my bosses. I've been lured enough by other offers outside and this increases my confidence that the work I put in throughout these 9+ years have been worth it.

I also began a different career - teaching. While it means taking out 3 hours every Saturday for 5 straight months every year, I love teaching and I love my students. The pay is minuscule, if you only consider the paycheck as the payback. But if you count the joy, fulfillment and peace that comes along with the task of being a professor, you'll find that the exercise is worth it thousand times over.

- Travel : The past 10 years featured travel to the US/Canada, Middle East, Europe and Asia. Travel really is a great teacher and I'm grateful to have had these opportunities.

- Friendship : I forged 3 of my most solid friendships during this decade. Filc is one of the blessings in my 20s and I'm so thankful to have these girls in my life. I also met Jane and Karen - my two "ate"'s who guide me and have been the ate's I never had. I stayed in touch with old friends I met as a child and I'm thankful for them. I have the best professional team in TNT too! So all around, this arena of my life has been a resounding success.

I thank God / Buddha so fervently for all the above. It has been a good ride- my 20s. My 30s definitely have large shoes to fill. Pressure! Haha! I hope I've done my share - charity, giving back to my school/s and upholding a good spiritual life- in deserving all these blessings. I promise to not take anything for granted.

Happy birthday to me! :)

Revelation - the best 30th-bday gift of all!!!

Ok, I just got the best gift to mark my turning 30.

Atty and I went to see a genitourinary doctor yesterday and he gave the best explanation re: infertility that we've ever received. I just think it's very sad how OBs do not work in conjunction with this little-explored medical field. I can imagine how many diseases can be prevented by doing this initial step first. And it's not just for infertility, mind you. Lots of babies are born via going through an infected genital tract of the mom and hence contract many infections that otherwise could've been prevented. Likewise, a lot of things can be impaired by infection. Even the big C is initially triggered by an infection. Sounds so simple yet no one really bothers to get their genitals checked regularly, the way we normally do for our blood or heart or lungs. But the fact is, the genitals are probably the most prone to infection, given the ways and frequency that they are used. Yet maybe it's the lack of awareness plus stigma that's associated with the genital tract that is the culprit for keeping this field under wraps.

Truly, it was a day of revelation and it's the first time that this journey made sense to us. I'm so grateful. There is so much to tell with regards to the background of this field and I'll be too happy to share with anyone who asks.

I'm so grateful. The birthday is complete even before it has happened. Knowledge truly is power.

Another thing that struck me yesterday was the realization that, despite instincts to do otherwise, one should never trust or put faith into a doctor. Not that there's anything malicious with your doctor. It's just that doctors are only human-- busy and distracted by many other concerns just like you and me ; just as potent for mistakes and errors just like you and me. Hence, see your doctor as merely a contracted agent to help you along with your medical situation. Do not put blind faith on him or her, because you will only do yourself a disservice. Try to understand the facts and make your own conclusions, with the help of the medical community. I say "with the help", not the sole responsibility of the physician whose care you are under.

I realized this because I think that's how I saw my past 2 OBs. I saw them as experts in their field; hence, who am I to not fully believe what they say. But all along, my gut was uneasy with the term "unexplained infertility" and while I had bouts of "whatever will be, will be", the nerd in me struggled to put blind faith on anyone. And I'm glad it kinda paid off. I mean, we're not pregnant yet and I'm not saying this is the only answer and we'll be smooth sailing already. It's just that it feels good to have information and gain new understanding (and respect) for our bodies. It's liberating, like a huge weight just came off. Faith implies so much pressure - and unnecessary pressure in this case.

I am breathing really big gulps of relief. The unexplained has gotten a pretty good chunk of explaining. Whew.

Thankful

For fresh starts.

Yet another "next time"

OK, so last cycle is over. This one wasn't as bad as the Mothers' Day one, but it was definitely one of the hardest. I can't explain it - I guess it's the despair that makes this a bit different. It's my birthday month, i.e. the month I turn 30. I always imagined having a baby on the way (or already out) before this milestone in my life. And the realization that that wasn't going to happen was unlike anything I anticipated. It's a horrible combo of fear, despair, doubt and pain... I would never wish it on anyone.

I also realized something, this being the first time I brought up the idea of assisted methods. I was so "game" for it, seeing it as a possible way to solve this situation and realize our dream. He saw it differently. After all, my reaction was natural - I didn't have to do anything (save for the paying the bill part which we both participate in), I just need to lie down, bear some discomfort, then the procedure is over. For the man, it is an entirely different thing. While natural cycles depend largely on the woman's body, assisted measures depend largely on effort from the man (if you get my drift). Hence, it raises questions for guys, like "Does this make me less of a man?", which would tend to raise to shore varying emotions of pain and fear. So I said, we don't have to if he's not ready. I said early on in this journey that I will not sacrifice any part of my marriage in this quest for a baby, and I meant that. If my husband isn't emotionally or mentally ready for this next step, then we are not taking it. He will always be my first priority. Simple as that. A lot of this infertility thing is not simple - in fact it is so complicated. But this part is so clear to me. Clear as day.

Besides, I do believe that this has nothing to do with what makes a man and what doesn't. If something uncontrollable defined a man, then hair color or skin color would define a man as much as infertility does. Obviously, this makes no sense at all. What defines a man are, among others, how he treats his wife, how he treats people in general, how much love he can give and how much strength he can muster. All I know is THIS does not in any way define a man. Though I can understand where the question comes from, especially since I am all too familiar with the disappointment you cannot help but feel when your body lets you down. All my life, I had the impression that all you had to do was have sex and you'll get pregnant. Little did I know, this was a big fat farce.

So here we are in another cycle... another "next time". Sometimes I fear going through my FB feed, because when I see someone post a picture of a sonogram, or make a happy announcement, I can't help but feel this sinking feeling in my gut, this stab in my chest. But I push myself to do it anyway, because I cannot live in fear of this "thing" all my life. I will be able to beat it, I pray. But I can NEVER ever let it beat me. I can never let it beat out my capacity to be happy for other people and to wish them well. I can never let it make me bitter, angry or fearful. I have to fight it; otherwise, I will let it change me. For the worse. And if that happens, that's when I am truly defeated. So no. I am fighting back.

So, here's to another "next time".

PRAYER

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

The same prayer.

Praying.

Praying.

Praying.

Another bag love post

Here's another bag I love. It's a Kate Spade Scout crossbody bag in denim, and it's special because Atty gifted me with it when I finished my MBA with honors. This blog held witness to my struggles with finishing the degree, so I think it's fitting that I make this post :)

Giving is indeed better than receiving

God is really a genius!!

I now know why I had that epiphany.

1. Dennis called me the other day, complaining about his blackberry's defective trackball. It's been bothering him for months and that particular day was just the really stressful kind that drives your patience thinner than usual. He wanted to throw the phone out the car window, and probably would have, if it didn't mean not being able to contact me. So it hit me! It was the perfect time to get him the S3 he has been wanting but will never spend so much to buy for himself. My husband is that kind of guy - the one who will spoil his loved ones (esp his wife!) but will hesitate to splurge on himself. It was the perfect idea!!! So after some scouting, I found a great price for the latest color Samsung S3 and surprised him with it tonight before we headed to our dinner and movie date. The look on his face was priceless!! It was a mix of confusion, shock and love. I loved it!!! Sooo much more worth it than any of the things I wanted. And because I will not splurge on those things anymore, the cost of the phone is doable for us. Love love love.

2. One of our kitchen doors got broken, due to age. It was a part of the condo that we opted not to change when we bought the place, since it still looked pretty okay. Hay. One big lesson learned. Better indeed to get everything new. Anyway, I got the work contracted and it seems to also cost quite a lot, since I can't exactly just change 1 door and not the rest. It will look ugly, so to redo the entire thing will cost more. In fact I even have 2 options to think of now : change all 7 lower doors only or change all 15 doors. Obviously all 15 means the most cost. So maybe 7 is a good compromise.

Anyway, so these are the 2 more urgent and more worth-it causes to pour money into, compared to the frivolous list I had. Truly a blessing to have realized and stopped myself before it was too late and we would've spent so much more than we were ready for. Instinct really is heaven's way of communicating with us :)

Mature epiphany

OK, I know this is a funny entry to post right after I make one about birthday and Christmas wish lists. Haha! But just today, while I was having lunch at home, I was struck by a series of thoughts:

1. I don't need a new bag. I definitely have more than a girl's fair share of bags. 'Nuff said.

2. My current macbook, while almost 8 years old, is still functioning. True, it has quite a number of kinks already, has crashed twice and has been hanging more and more often. But strictly speaking, it still works. And for as long as it still does its main functionalities, I do not need a new one. Yes, the new macbook air is really pretty and super duper light (one of my complaints about my current one when I take it to UA&P to teach with), but again, I don't need it.

3. The wallet I'm using now is the bordeaux-colored Gucci one that I snagged on sale about 6 years ago. I love it, despite its looking like it's been through WW3. Being a leather wallet, some corners look very worn down and there are quite a number of scratches. But despite that, on the outside, it still looks really pretty. And the leather still feels soft... Which leads me to my last point, I do not need a new wallet. This LV style that I quite like is also quite expensive - it's about 500 euros, which is incidentally also how much our quarterly SunLife insurance premium costs. Obviously, the latter is more important as it goes towards our future. I'm not sure it's very wise to put in a quarter's insurance money into a wallet, when the one I have is just as luxurious, pretty and, most importantly, functional.

So, I guess what I'm saying is this: It's really tempting to make a gift wishlist, especially when a milestone birthday is coming up. It's even more tempting when your husband is so generous and offers to get you one of these 3 things for your birthday. But I need to take the high road and be more responsible. I have splurged some this year, and I've also saved some. So I need to continue to strike this delicate balance. Enjoy life, yet still be mostly sensible with money and put some away for a better purpose. We've already planned to go to HK to celebrate my milestone birthday, and I don't need to splurge on a material gift on top of that. Besides, a bigger savings account is also kind of like a gift --- a gift that keeps on giving, in fact :)

OK, I think it's off my system already. Yay! :)

Birthday and Christmas wish list