I am full of fear, I admit.
Reading this blog post made me realize it's natural, even 'right', to be feeling this way. Feeling fearful that the IVF may not work affirms that this is very important to me, and that the risks are far outweighed by the potential rewards.
Logging this here, so I don't forget --- that fears are natural, but they can be 'put in their place', that perspective is crucial in surviving this with my sanity and marriage intact, that this *is* hard, there's no shame in admitting that.
http://www.catchingrainbowsfertility.co.uk/2012/11/how-to-shrink-your-fears/
For future re-reading and re-reading and re-reading.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Chasing the Stork
So the (scientific) stork chase formally starts today. I will attempt to chronicle this experience, both so that I can look back on it (hopefully with positivity and gratitude) and so that it can help me sort through the mixed bag of emotions that accompany any fertility treatment.
So we're here today at Kato, for the first step of the process, which is a Day-2 blood draw to see my hormone levels and an ultrasound to get baseline stats of my uterine lining. What makes Kato different from other fertility practices is they use a protocol in the administration and management of IVF, which means that they leave less things to chance than conventional practice. This doesn't mean they guarantee success but I guess the comfort is that you know your procedure is less dependent on the actual practitioner assigned to that particular procedure on a certain day, but more on the accomplishment of each step of a carefully designed protocol that took years in Japan to come up with. So the first of those steps is to come in the day after you get your period. Hence we're here today.
I had a fitful sleep last night imagining many scenarios, including both positive and negative outcomes. I guess thinking of the possibility of failing, then thinking of the next steps to take after that, is less about being pessimistic or not being positive enough... And more about self-preservation. Only those going through infertility know what this feels like - that self-defense mechanism inside you that comes from going through more heartbreaks and more "no"s than you thought you would need to. While you want a positive result, more than anything else in the world, you also know you need to be able to move on from failure. Because giving up is not an option.
So here we are. Pray for us. Pray for a smooth road here in Kato and for a successful outcome. Please.
Tuesday, April 01, 2014
Long update
(Warning: Long post)
As they say, we all have our own crosses to bear. I have accepted that this is ours, and I just pray for divine guidance and protection to ensure that everything will be okay in the end.
OK, to recap, my husband and I went to Taiwan last February, mainly for a vacation with his parents, but while we were there, I felt it prudent to visit the IVF clinic there and get some tests done. We were there already, after all, and it will only take one morning to get everything done. One thing I heard is that the clinic there has a 100X better magnification for their semen analysis and hopefully it sheds more light on why we have been unsuccessful in our attempts so far at natural conception.
So off we went to Mackay Memorial Hospital. It's a much smaller place than I imagined, and not exactly looking top-of-the-line, if you get my drift. Makati Med and St Lukes look so much better and much more 'high tech', but this place has the highest success rate in Asia, so maybe looks can be deceiving. We had our consult with the famous Dr Robert Lee, and had our blood tests done. Dennis also had his semen analysis done and then off we went to enjoy the rest of our trip.
Fast forward to two weeks later and I get an email on the results. The Taipei diagnosis for me is that I have fair ovarian reserve, which means I have egg quality and quantity that matches my age. That's good news. However, Dennis has oligoasthenoteratozoospermia. A mouthful to say, I know, but an even bigger mouthful to swallow and accept. Basically, it means sub-par sperm on all 3 counts (or 3 factors by which sperm is judged -- count, motility and morphology or the level of normal-form sperm VS abnormally-shaped).
His count was an 11, when the healthy minimum is 40 and the average fertile man has hundreds. Motility is 36% when the average is 40%. What really worried me was the morphology result -- he only got a 2% as per Kruger's criteria (a stringent criteria by which 'normal' sperm is judged. It's a highly strict criteria, so high that a result of 14% is treated as extremely good). I worry because morphology can be linked to chromosomal abnormalities, and I am fearful of what that may mean to our future child. Given his results, the Taipei clinic recommended IVF-ICSI to our case. This is a more aggressive form of IVF (yes, IVF has yet another MORE aggressive version than the test-tube one people are more familiar with, believe it or not) that has to do with injecting one single sperm into the egg. Essentially the clinic is recommending this because they feel the sperm is of a weak composition that it will likely not be able to penetrate the egg at all. So a form of additional 'manual help' is administered, with an embryologist picking out a sperm that to his eye, looks healthy and injects that into the egg. Poof! Off goes natural selection. No more 'may the strongest sperm win'. If we do this, our future child will not be the 'sperm that won' but the 'sperm that the embryologist chose'. There are a lot of risks here and a lot of choices to be made -- some I'm still trying to navigate through. I do not want to make a mistake. This is our baby we're talking about. Few other choices compare to this one in terms of significance.
Like any warm-blooded man, Dennis took the news quite badly. Seeing him so sad and dejected was enough to make me cry, but I resolved to stay strong because he couldn't and that's what marriage is all about. I resolved at the start of this journey that in no way will I allow infertility to hurt our marriage, and this was probably the toughest test yet. I told him, "how would you want me to feel if it was me that had the problem? Would you want me to be ashamed? Would you want me to feel undeserving of you and your love? Would you want me to be afraid that you will leave me because I am the reason we can't have a child? Would you want me to feel less of a person, less of a woman, less of a wife, just because of a physical weakness that I had nothing to do with? Take all your answers to those questions and apply them to yourself, because that's how I want you to feel." Deep inside, my heart was breaking, but I couldn't let him see that. I feel all the 'normal' emotions that someone in my shoes would, but I couldn't allow myself to show weakness, when he already felt the heavy brunt of it. It all feels so unfair, presenting options that I feel are risky in one way or another, and making choices that I know I will forever second-guess. It felt that way when the news hit and it still does, until now. I know that staying positive is key, but the reality is staying positive feels impossible sometimes, especially when you don't know the reason why this unfair thing happened to choose you and not someone else. Why bad things happen to good people. Why children are elusive to people who would make good parents yet are born all the time to people who are unready for them.
After some time, my husband, God bless his heart, came around and told me he is ready to support whatever choice I wanted to make. This is where another tough part lies. There are many options to consider and many research to wade through. People who know me well know how much of a nerd I am and how studious I am at knowing about things I want to know about. Obviously, this ranks at the top, and despite the amount of stuff I have read, most especially about the incremental risks of ICSI, I am still unsure of where to stand. On one hand, I want to choose the procedure that will work, but on the other hand, I know it's not just about the procedure that will get me pregnant, but the procedure that will likely yield us a healthy baby. I am so uneasy about the risks on the child, because my conscience keeps telling me it's unfair to expose a baby to additional risks that his peers are not subjected to, when it is me and his dad that are making the choices, not him. Yet, the price of these choices will be borne by him, not us. Does that make sense? It's one thing to toy around with my body, injecting hormones that may increase my risk for ovarian cancer, or taxing my ovaries to the point that they may explode (which is fatal, by the way). But all that is on me. It's another thing to expose a hapless, innocent child to risks that he may have to bear his whole life, to satisfy a maternal need in my heart.
So essentially these are the questions to be answered:
1. How do I want to ovulate?
Option A: Ovulate naturally. The clinic I'm looking to go to has an option of natural ovulation. They will not give me medicine to induce ovulation and will instead just monitor my normal cycle and aspirate (suck out, in short) the lone egg in my ovary once it has matured.
Option B: Ovulate with stimulation. This is close to the conventional IVF whereby I will be injected with medicine that will stimulate my ovaries to produce more than 1 egg. The conventional IVF done in St Lukes and Taiwan inject an irregularly huge amount of hormones. The clinic in Enterprise I'm considering only do it 'minimally', which means their aim is to yield about 2-3 eggs whereas the conventional method aims to get 10-20 or sometimes even 25 eggs. This is huge given that nature's version is only 1 per cycle.
2. How do I want to fertilize?
Option A: Conventional test-tube fertilization whereby the egg is placed on a dish then a concentrated solution of sperm is poured over it. This has less success rate than Option B below but is closer to nature, because the method still allows the best sperm to enter the egg. However, with Dennis' condition, the indication is that this method will likely fail.
Option B: ICSI or the injection of one lone sperm, which was selected by the human eye of an embryologist (tao lang, pwedeng magkamali) but carries a higher success rate. This is quite expected, because you eliminate issues about weak sperm and/or an egg with a covering layer that is thicker than normal, making it hard for a sperm (much less a weak sperm) to penetrate. While this has a higher rate of pregnancy, it has also shown higher (50% more!) risk of congenital defects, like vascular defect, cleft palate, and even learning disabilities. Scientists suspect that this higher level of risks (which are still considered small in relation to the total universe, like a 2% chance) is due to the fact that the weak sperm that otherwise would not be allowed by nature to fertilize an egg, managed to because of a syringe and manual intervention. Hence, a weaker sperm may carry defective genes that were allowed to perpetuate. Oh and there's also evidence that if the procedure yields a baby boy, that boy also carries the risk of being infertile. Yes, infertility can be genetic.
So there. Two options for two questions. Risks every way I turn. Risk of failure. Risk of something wrong. Risk everywhere.
I wish I can tell you (and myself) that there's a way to avoid risks completely. But unfortunately, in the world of IVF, risk is a necessary evil. There's always risk when you use science to deal with something that, once upon a time, only Mother Nature had jurisdiction over. Risk is part and parcel of the game -- it's the nature of the beast. The only thing I can do is to try to choose the route that gets us the result we want, at the least possible risk for my baby.
So where is that line? Where shall I draw the line on the sand?
You may say, so why even try IVF? Why not try naturally forever and see how that goes? My answer to that is because time is possibly the single, most valuable factor in fertility. Time affects egg quality. Time affects endometrium quality. Time affects many other fertility aspects. I don't want to wait and wait, only to find out there's nothing waiting for me at the end of this line. Also, while there are risks to IVF, especially IVF-ICSI, it's still minimal compared to the odds of having a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy baby. So while the risk is there, the reward is also very much there.
As I said, infertility is such a gray area, there's no use looking for the black and white. There are no guarantees in this.
So far, we've told ourselves we'll start the process in May. I have until then to decide what particular method to choose.
In other news, I informed my boss yesterday about my intention to do IVF and what that may mean for my work schedule. Specifically, I told him this means for sure that I will need to be on leave for two weeks in May. This also raises the possibility that the leave may be extended, depending on our outcome, or shortened, also depending on the outcome. There's really nothing definite I can commit to, because I am not in control of how this plays out. And I hoped with all my heart that he will stand with me as I faced this part of my personal life.
Sadly, I was disappointed. For a man I held in such high regard and for whom I made quite a number of sacrifices, I was left wanting. When I expected kindness, empathy and understanding, what I got was a reluctant okay, a mild threat and an order to 'think deeply about my career aspirations.' I was so surprised, and my innocence lost, because I thought he would come through for me the way I felt I always came through for him. To have the audacity to do otherwise was probably the biggest professional slap in the face (okay, not that dramatic, so maybe just a symbolic 'cold water splashed on my face') I have ever received. And if there was any ideas being entertained in my head before of "maybe I can try to manage this pregnancy quest with helping him push his corporate agenda, maybe I can make it work somehow, with some days I go to the office and some other days I stay home", that's now out the window. If you are not looking out for me, then there's no reason for me to do the same for you. In a way, it was liberating -- I now know there's nothing else I could have done. How dare he try to make me choose between him and my personal life -- and how dare he even think he can win in such a choice. Such arrogance.
So there. So much heartache, I tell you. So much more than I thought I could ever bear in my life. I have more questions than answers, more sources of disappointment than sources of hope, more fears than when I started walking this path. I just pray and hold on to my faith... and to my belief that after all this is done, in the end, good things will happen to good people.
Please pray for us.
As they say, we all have our own crosses to bear. I have accepted that this is ours, and I just pray for divine guidance and protection to ensure that everything will be okay in the end.
OK, to recap, my husband and I went to Taiwan last February, mainly for a vacation with his parents, but while we were there, I felt it prudent to visit the IVF clinic there and get some tests done. We were there already, after all, and it will only take one morning to get everything done. One thing I heard is that the clinic there has a 100X better magnification for their semen analysis and hopefully it sheds more light on why we have been unsuccessful in our attempts so far at natural conception.
So off we went to Mackay Memorial Hospital. It's a much smaller place than I imagined, and not exactly looking top-of-the-line, if you get my drift. Makati Med and St Lukes look so much better and much more 'high tech', but this place has the highest success rate in Asia, so maybe looks can be deceiving. We had our consult with the famous Dr Robert Lee, and had our blood tests done. Dennis also had his semen analysis done and then off we went to enjoy the rest of our trip.
Fast forward to two weeks later and I get an email on the results. The Taipei diagnosis for me is that I have fair ovarian reserve, which means I have egg quality and quantity that matches my age. That's good news. However, Dennis has oligoasthenoteratozoospermia. A mouthful to say, I know, but an even bigger mouthful to swallow and accept. Basically, it means sub-par sperm on all 3 counts (or 3 factors by which sperm is judged -- count, motility and morphology or the level of normal-form sperm VS abnormally-shaped).
His count was an 11, when the healthy minimum is 40 and the average fertile man has hundreds. Motility is 36% when the average is 40%. What really worried me was the morphology result -- he only got a 2% as per Kruger's criteria (a stringent criteria by which 'normal' sperm is judged. It's a highly strict criteria, so high that a result of 14% is treated as extremely good). I worry because morphology can be linked to chromosomal abnormalities, and I am fearful of what that may mean to our future child. Given his results, the Taipei clinic recommended IVF-ICSI to our case. This is a more aggressive form of IVF (yes, IVF has yet another MORE aggressive version than the test-tube one people are more familiar with, believe it or not) that has to do with injecting one single sperm into the egg. Essentially the clinic is recommending this because they feel the sperm is of a weak composition that it will likely not be able to penetrate the egg at all. So a form of additional 'manual help' is administered, with an embryologist picking out a sperm that to his eye, looks healthy and injects that into the egg. Poof! Off goes natural selection. No more 'may the strongest sperm win'. If we do this, our future child will not be the 'sperm that won' but the 'sperm that the embryologist chose'. There are a lot of risks here and a lot of choices to be made -- some I'm still trying to navigate through. I do not want to make a mistake. This is our baby we're talking about. Few other choices compare to this one in terms of significance.
Like any warm-blooded man, Dennis took the news quite badly. Seeing him so sad and dejected was enough to make me cry, but I resolved to stay strong because he couldn't and that's what marriage is all about. I resolved at the start of this journey that in no way will I allow infertility to hurt our marriage, and this was probably the toughest test yet. I told him, "how would you want me to feel if it was me that had the problem? Would you want me to be ashamed? Would you want me to feel undeserving of you and your love? Would you want me to be afraid that you will leave me because I am the reason we can't have a child? Would you want me to feel less of a person, less of a woman, less of a wife, just because of a physical weakness that I had nothing to do with? Take all your answers to those questions and apply them to yourself, because that's how I want you to feel." Deep inside, my heart was breaking, but I couldn't let him see that. I feel all the 'normal' emotions that someone in my shoes would, but I couldn't allow myself to show weakness, when he already felt the heavy brunt of it. It all feels so unfair, presenting options that I feel are risky in one way or another, and making choices that I know I will forever second-guess. It felt that way when the news hit and it still does, until now. I know that staying positive is key, but the reality is staying positive feels impossible sometimes, especially when you don't know the reason why this unfair thing happened to choose you and not someone else. Why bad things happen to good people. Why children are elusive to people who would make good parents yet are born all the time to people who are unready for them.
After some time, my husband, God bless his heart, came around and told me he is ready to support whatever choice I wanted to make. This is where another tough part lies. There are many options to consider and many research to wade through. People who know me well know how much of a nerd I am and how studious I am at knowing about things I want to know about. Obviously, this ranks at the top, and despite the amount of stuff I have read, most especially about the incremental risks of ICSI, I am still unsure of where to stand. On one hand, I want to choose the procedure that will work, but on the other hand, I know it's not just about the procedure that will get me pregnant, but the procedure that will likely yield us a healthy baby. I am so uneasy about the risks on the child, because my conscience keeps telling me it's unfair to expose a baby to additional risks that his peers are not subjected to, when it is me and his dad that are making the choices, not him. Yet, the price of these choices will be borne by him, not us. Does that make sense? It's one thing to toy around with my body, injecting hormones that may increase my risk for ovarian cancer, or taxing my ovaries to the point that they may explode (which is fatal, by the way). But all that is on me. It's another thing to expose a hapless, innocent child to risks that he may have to bear his whole life, to satisfy a maternal need in my heart.
So essentially these are the questions to be answered:
1. How do I want to ovulate?
Option A: Ovulate naturally. The clinic I'm looking to go to has an option of natural ovulation. They will not give me medicine to induce ovulation and will instead just monitor my normal cycle and aspirate (suck out, in short) the lone egg in my ovary once it has matured.
Option B: Ovulate with stimulation. This is close to the conventional IVF whereby I will be injected with medicine that will stimulate my ovaries to produce more than 1 egg. The conventional IVF done in St Lukes and Taiwan inject an irregularly huge amount of hormones. The clinic in Enterprise I'm considering only do it 'minimally', which means their aim is to yield about 2-3 eggs whereas the conventional method aims to get 10-20 or sometimes even 25 eggs. This is huge given that nature's version is only 1 per cycle.
2. How do I want to fertilize?
Option A: Conventional test-tube fertilization whereby the egg is placed on a dish then a concentrated solution of sperm is poured over it. This has less success rate than Option B below but is closer to nature, because the method still allows the best sperm to enter the egg. However, with Dennis' condition, the indication is that this method will likely fail.
Option B: ICSI or the injection of one lone sperm, which was selected by the human eye of an embryologist (tao lang, pwedeng magkamali) but carries a higher success rate. This is quite expected, because you eliminate issues about weak sperm and/or an egg with a covering layer that is thicker than normal, making it hard for a sperm (much less a weak sperm) to penetrate. While this has a higher rate of pregnancy, it has also shown higher (50% more!) risk of congenital defects, like vascular defect, cleft palate, and even learning disabilities. Scientists suspect that this higher level of risks (which are still considered small in relation to the total universe, like a 2% chance) is due to the fact that the weak sperm that otherwise would not be allowed by nature to fertilize an egg, managed to because of a syringe and manual intervention. Hence, a weaker sperm may carry defective genes that were allowed to perpetuate. Oh and there's also evidence that if the procedure yields a baby boy, that boy also carries the risk of being infertile. Yes, infertility can be genetic.
So there. Two options for two questions. Risks every way I turn. Risk of failure. Risk of something wrong. Risk everywhere.
I wish I can tell you (and myself) that there's a way to avoid risks completely. But unfortunately, in the world of IVF, risk is a necessary evil. There's always risk when you use science to deal with something that, once upon a time, only Mother Nature had jurisdiction over. Risk is part and parcel of the game -- it's the nature of the beast. The only thing I can do is to try to choose the route that gets us the result we want, at the least possible risk for my baby.
So where is that line? Where shall I draw the line on the sand?
You may say, so why even try IVF? Why not try naturally forever and see how that goes? My answer to that is because time is possibly the single, most valuable factor in fertility. Time affects egg quality. Time affects endometrium quality. Time affects many other fertility aspects. I don't want to wait and wait, only to find out there's nothing waiting for me at the end of this line. Also, while there are risks to IVF, especially IVF-ICSI, it's still minimal compared to the odds of having a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy baby. So while the risk is there, the reward is also very much there.
As I said, infertility is such a gray area, there's no use looking for the black and white. There are no guarantees in this.
So far, we've told ourselves we'll start the process in May. I have until then to decide what particular method to choose.
In other news, I informed my boss yesterday about my intention to do IVF and what that may mean for my work schedule. Specifically, I told him this means for sure that I will need to be on leave for two weeks in May. This also raises the possibility that the leave may be extended, depending on our outcome, or shortened, also depending on the outcome. There's really nothing definite I can commit to, because I am not in control of how this plays out. And I hoped with all my heart that he will stand with me as I faced this part of my personal life.
Sadly, I was disappointed. For a man I held in such high regard and for whom I made quite a number of sacrifices, I was left wanting. When I expected kindness, empathy and understanding, what I got was a reluctant okay, a mild threat and an order to 'think deeply about my career aspirations.' I was so surprised, and my innocence lost, because I thought he would come through for me the way I felt I always came through for him. To have the audacity to do otherwise was probably the biggest professional slap in the face (okay, not that dramatic, so maybe just a symbolic 'cold water splashed on my face') I have ever received. And if there was any ideas being entertained in my head before of "maybe I can try to manage this pregnancy quest with helping him push his corporate agenda, maybe I can make it work somehow, with some days I go to the office and some other days I stay home", that's now out the window. If you are not looking out for me, then there's no reason for me to do the same for you. In a way, it was liberating -- I now know there's nothing else I could have done. How dare he try to make me choose between him and my personal life -- and how dare he even think he can win in such a choice. Such arrogance.
So there. So much heartache, I tell you. So much more than I thought I could ever bear in my life. I have more questions than answers, more sources of disappointment than sources of hope, more fears than when I started walking this path. I just pray and hold on to my faith... and to my belief that after all this is done, in the end, good things will happen to good people.
Please pray for us.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Friday, March 07, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Strange Familiar
This was my musical discovery for 2013. Particularly because of two songs. Love them both. I guess you can also guess why :p
Alibi --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJfy3kEa4hM
Courage Is --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA
Alibi --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJfy3kEa4hM
Courage Is --
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXrWRM0E6YA
Friday, February 07, 2014
Some more updates if you'd like to hear them
OK, this is turning into an infertility blog, without any explicit intent for it to turn out like that. I guess it's unavoidable, infertility being the biggest battle of my life and the thing I think about on an almost daily basis. I'm not even sure who follow this blog, but I apologize in advance for the barrage of infertility issues discussed here. If you'd like to read more about my journey with it, then read on. If not, feel free to close this page.
Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.
Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.
The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!
But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.
Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.
The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/
So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P
Anyway, we're off to HK this evening to try out this therapy that my new friend (and fellow infertility warrior) D introduced me to. It's called Arvigo therapy and it's a ancient Mayan massage and therapy technique primarily intended to realign the uterus. The main principle of Arvigo is based on the assumption that the uterus is the 'center' of the female body and from it emanates all other conditions and issues, such as infertility, painful periods, endometriosis, etc. A tilted or displaced uterus refers to any position of the uterus other than the vertical one that's ideal. Mine is retroverted, which means it faces my spine. It can also be anteverted, like in the case of my sister-in-law, or even folded in half (if you can picture it). This can be caused by a variety of reasons, like your pelvic muscles were born a bit on the weak side so they are unable to support the uterus and keep it in place. Other reasons can be a pretty hard fall when you were little, or lifting heavy things before or during your period (which from my recollection, I think I am guilty of). Anyway, Western medicine has always told me that a retroverted uterus doesn't cause infertility and besides, even if it did, there's nothing I can do or get done to correct it. This is what prompted me to check out this therapy because it claims the opposite and gives me the power (or at least the chance) to correct my tilted uterus, get some pain alleviation during periods and hopefully (of course, this would be the mother of all benefits) get us little Baby Chan. The idea also is that a tilted uterus does not allow optimal entry of sperm and its access to the fallopian tubes where the egg would be waiting. Hence, logically, it should contribute to why we're having a hard time.
Also, there's a second reason we're checking out this therapy. It can also be used on men to alleviate prostate problems. As I mentioned before, Dennis has prostatitis, which is essentially the infection of the prostate which causes its enlargement. The prostate is the control center for men and from it emanates almost everything that makes a man healthy, strong and happy (hormones-wise). So a healthy prostate is a must. Ever since I found out the diagnosis, I've been worried about this and been on the lookout for anything that can help. So here we are, off to HK.
The therapy is a bit on the expensive side.. heck, who am I kidding, it's VERY expensive, at 1,500hkd per session (yes, that's almost 10 grand pesos), and we both will get 2 sessions each for this trip. So, yes, add the hotel and airfare and you have the priciest HK trip I've ever been on, and that's still counting the time I went with my mom to get my dowry items. Intense!
But I guess, after all is said and calculated, at the end of the day, I don't want any regrets. Wherever this journey takes us, I want to be able to face my own conscience and know that I tried everything there possibly is. I've done the treatments, I've read the research, I've taken the pills, I've done the injections, I've seen the doctors, I've exhausted all possible options. More than anything, yes even more than Baby Chan, what I want is peace -- peace of the mind and of the heart. And the way to achieve this would be to do everything in my power and make all the necessary sacrifices and make all the wise choices. No desperation though. Just a careful analysis of our situation, good research to back up our choices and have the courage and strength to follow through, even at great personal cost. This way, no matter how this ends, I know I did my best and that I did right by our dream.
Speaking of, my new friend D has gone through 2 IVF sessions and both were unsuccessful. While I had only just met her and we've only been talking for a little while about our experiences, I felt saddened for her yesterday morning when she messaged me that the second IVF didn't turn out well. I know how tough it can get, and I can only imagine how it feels to have the most aggressive procedure done and still not come out happily on the other side. Prayers to D.
The other thing I have to think about is the US trip in May. My family had initially planned to go attend a cousin's wedding in NYC in May, and afterwards take a short trip around NYC and trek up to DC on a family vacation, also to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. The wallet damage for me and Dennis to join this trip would roughly be around 400k-500k, inclusive of our plane tickets, our share in the accommodations and some pocket money. Given that this Hk trip would already be costing us somewhere in the US$2,000+ level, and the therapist did mention needing at least 3 months (meaning 3 trips) to be able to see results (which means we'll need budget to fund 3 HK trips), we have a BIG challenge facing us. I want to be able to join the trip, but also need to be responsible and set aside budget to fund this more important quest. What to do, what to do.... :-/
So there. Wish us luck, in all forms possible! :P
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
Out with the old, in with the new! Last day of the Year of the Snake tomorrow. Be our lucky year, Year of the Horse!!
Monday, January 27, 2014
Motherhoodwinked
It may be really early in the year to proclaim this but this book is perhaps the most remarkable book for me this year. 
I've never finished a book in under 2 hours before, and that's still with some parts reread for emphasis at that. This autobiography gripped me like nothing I've ever read before -- I saw myself in Anne's story, felt everything she felt and cried when she cried. She's right-- infertility is such a rarely-discussed topic and because of that, women suffering from it can feel so devastatingly alone and isolated. It's bad enough to have to cope with such overpowering emotions all the time -- anxiety, doubt, anger, disappointment, envy and fear -- it is even worse to have to bottle them up for fear of being misunderstood.
I could relate to so many things she mentioned and went through. There were times I found myself nodding along or laughing out loud or just stopping -- because she had pointed out something I also felt or did but didn't quite notice. For instance, she talked about infertile women putting their lives on hold, not planning long-haul trips or making commitments months down the line, in consideration of the possibility of being pregnant. Life can tend to revolve around a future state, rather than being enjoyed at its current (though childless) glory. I can also relate to not shopping for clothes, or more often in my case not buying anything too formfitting or unstretchy like slacks, assuming it will be a waste because I'll eventually get pregnant and cannot wear them anymore. These adjustments, no matter how small, are peculiar to women dealing with infertility, and it's high time they see the light of day, because keeping them under wraps just make a hard situation unnecessarily tougher.
I cried with her too as she went through the many let-downs and the journey through two rounds of IVF. I cried too, this time with joy as if I knew her personally as she discovered she was pregnant after the second try. I sobbed as well as she discovered the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks and had to be taken out through D&C. It's such a scary journey -- this one I'm (and lots of other women are) on -- and it's one filled with more questions than answers, more doubts than guarantees and riddled with physical, emotional and mental strain-- both on you and your marriage. Science is only one part of it. That's the part people who are spared from this usually know about. All the other tests -- tests of love, tests of faith, tests of priorities, among others -- comprise the other unspoken and unseen ones. They can be much, much harder to navigate; sometimes it's hard not to think maybe this quest is starting to take on a cost you are not be willing to bear.
Great book by a great writer, who bravely shed light on such a difficult topic. Reminds me of this woman I met a few weeks ago during a session on fertility fitness. She suggested us starting a support group about infertility, as she shares my feelings about how isolating this journey tends to be. Maybe I should give her a call....
Friday, January 24, 2014
52-week challenge, put to better use
OK, so I started the year embarking on this 52-week challenge where you save a certain bit of money every month and hopefully, you keep at it so that by the end of the year, you discover you have successfully put away a significant amount of cash.
I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.
This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.
So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.
It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?
Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.
Happy weekend!
I initially wanted to do this to get myself into the habit of setting money aside, especially money that would otherwise go into something not-as-practical like shopping, and maybe be able to cushion the expenses that spike up in December.
This morning, our househelp was talking about her decision to ask her son to stop schooling (he is on 1st year college in a small school in Paranaque) because she will be unable to support his studies. The thing with the vicious cycle of poverty in this country is that one illness or one accident or just any one random big thing will set the entire household's budget off-track and cripples everything. This time, her father-in-law is in a serious medical condition, which spiraled out of control after having a substandard surgical procedure done. Anyway, that's a really long story, but the ending of it all is that now he needs even more medical attention and thus will be the beneficiary of the entire household's disposable income, not that there was much to begin with.
So, I spent the ride to work dwelling on this and thinking about how sad the story was. The boy has a good head on his shoulders, seems to learn fast and seems to have the academic aptitude to actually finish college, despite obstacles like not having much resources like a computer or sometimes even shoes to go to school with. So, I'm thinking what if that's where my 52-week challenge money goes? Wouldn't that be a better use of the money? More than just sustaining his tuition and maybe a little bit of his weekly allowance, we'll be giving him opportunity to build a better life for himself - better than the one his mom was given.
It's so sad, really. I wonder if our nation's leaders even understand the plight of the "everyday Filipino." This is the usual kind of situation the Filipino masa encounters. If middle-class people like me sometimes feel like I'm just a hamster on a wheel, sometimes feeling that I work just to earn more money for a big corporation or for people who are already rich to begin with, how much more people like them?
Oh well. This is going philosophical. Just putting down this morning's thoughts.
Happy weekend!
Wednesday, January 08, 2014
:)
"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing,and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." ~ Michael Buble
Monday, January 06, 2014
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Letting Go
That's the best way I can describe this 2013. This has been a year of letting go, letting God, and letting be.
Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...
For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.
We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.
So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.
That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)
Whether it's with my career (taking a huge leap into a different industry -- one I would not have otherwise gotten into on my own), with my health (especially with getting pregnant) and with my mindset (less of trying to control things and planning every single detail). 2013 may not have been an exciting year for me in the sense that it was really quite steady, it also taught me to be patient and to be more trusting. Trust that good things happen to good people, trust that life will always be a bit uncertain and trust that, in the end, things will happen in the manner and timing that they are supposed to. No use wringing around in frustration or rattling cages (exag but you get the point)...
For instance, while I was busy looking at the calendar and pressuring myself before on getting pregnant, I realized I almost forgot that I was also hitting way ahead of schedule other milestones that I thought would take more time. I did get promoted and went up the career ladder much earlier and faster than I expected. All this exposure to senior management is something I thought I would have to work another decade for, in order to get.
We also paid off our loan with the condo and bought our 2nd unit much sooner than I would have thought had you asked me when we were about to get hitched in 2010. Life is funny, I guess. And sometimes, all you really need is a healthy dose of perspective. Don't get too caught up looking for what you do not have. There is really no point to it. Let things be.
So there. That's what 2013 has meant for me.
That said, I'm ready for you, 2014. Please be kinder. :)
Friday, December 20, 2013
Viral exanthem and an unexpected long holiday
Atty contracted a nasty viral fever and rash combo last week (Dec 12) and it resulted to an unexpectedly long holiday for us. While I wouldn't want him to get sick anytime of year, I'm grateful it happened during this time when work really winds down anyway and he can rest at home without compromising his work commitments and requirements. And since I was already on leave, liquidating my unused 2013 days off, I was able to care for him without feeling guilty about missing work or leaving my boss hanging. So I guess there's not much to complain about. Being stuck at home for days and days also felt like a mini holiday, plus with the horrendous traffic outside, it wasn't so bad at all to be cooped up inside.
And the good thing is, according to the doctor yesterday, his rashes should fully clear up by the 22nd or 23rd, just in time for Christmas! Woohoo!
So, the end of 2013 looms nearer and nearer. Time for my annual reflection post. Will put it together in the next few days, along with our yearly FILC survey :)
Thursday, November 28, 2013
So apparently....
1. We have an infection again. This time, the doctor assured us these are "post-party" organisms and can be expected to show up after the bigwigs are deado. So in a way, it's an improvement. Sort of.
Dennis is really so much steadier and more level-headed than me. I was initially feeling dejected by the news but he assured me it was okay and we're just not meant to finish by 2013. Okay...... Fine.....
2. My progesterone and estradiol levels post-ovulation may be within normal range but are sub-optimal. This means that to satisfy our objectives, I need to be hitting the upper portion of the range. And my results, sadly, fall more on the lower side. Another big sigh.
Not much can be done on this end though, apart from acupuncture. I am too scared to be tampering with hormones.
So there. A little update on our baby-wishing quest.
Haha! Listen to me. I better switch on the positive mood before the weekend kicks in!
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
PARASOL
The business is up! Moving slower than I would have wanted, but my business partners and I are all fulltime professionals, so it's also expected. But finally, it's up, and hopefully it works out! Please support! :)
We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967
:)
We've got beautiful laces and fabric, perfect for made-to-order gowns! Visit us at
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Parasol/167639230110967
:)
Monday, November 11, 2013
Heart
So, I took a hysterosalpingogram last Saturday in Makati Med. A bit of a backgrounder, back in Feb 2012, when I first went to see a fertility specialist, I was told that one of the first steps in determining what I'll need to do in fertility work-ups is to get my fallopian tubes tested, to see if they are patent (meaning they are open and there are no obstructions for egg meeting the sperm). There are 2 ways to go about this: doing it via sono (meaning an ultrasound probe goes inside along with a catheter through which water will pass) or via hystero (meaning an x-ray procedure where a dye is pushed up via catheter). The good thing with the latter is it gives the OB an aerial shot of your uterus and tubes, and be able to see much more than a sono does. The bad thing with it is it's much more costly than the sono and if your doctor doesn't suspect any uterine abnormality like fibroids or endometriosis, then the sono can do. Back then, we decided on the sono, since we were still very optimistic that it will only take a few months before we successfully get pregnant and because our doctor then said it should be good enough.
Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).
So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.
So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.
After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.
To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.
Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.
My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.
As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.
So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.
Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.
Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.
I'm ranting.
OK, back to work.
Fast forward to July 2013 when I go see a different OB - this time someone who is both an infertility and a high-risk pregnancy specialist. He recommends that I do the hystero procedure to be absolutely sure. The thing with the sono, which wasn't explained to me before, is that any positive outcome there will only indicate that at least 1 tube is open. It doesn't necessarily mean that both tubes are viable. Since I'm having trouble conceiving, if one of the tubes are not patent, it means I'm only eligible to even fight the good fight only half the time (or 6 cycles per year -- a small chance, if you ask me).
So I put myself in his good hands, and had it scheduled last Saturday. I prayed to Buddha and asked for His divine grace and protection to make sure things go smoothly and I don't end up doing more harm than good in having the procedure done.
So off I went last Saturday, having fasted since midnight the night before. My amazing husband lovingly joined me as I fasted, out of solidarity and love. So I got to doc's clinic at 12noon, and was assisted by the nurse to the operating room area. Another nurse got me hooked up to an IV - which kind of unnerved me as the last time I was on one, I wasn't even old enough to remember the experience - then she had me strip and prepped on the OR table. My mom came by and had all these questions to make sure I was prepped correctly. Then the anesthesiologist arrived, asked me a few questions, then honestly, that's the last thing I remembered before dozing off.
After what seemed to me to be a few seconds, I woke up being wheeled off into the recovery room with Dennis' and my mom's faces smiling in front of me. Essentially, the doctor had good news and not-so-good news. The good side is that my tubes are both patent and are in order. The bad news is that I have a heart-shaped uterus, or more scientifically known as a bicornuate uterus, which would pose some difficulty in conceiving (well, well, well....) and even more difficulty in carrying a pregnancy to term and healthily.
To be honest, I was so shocked to get the news. I was prepared for there to be tubal problems, which seem to me to be more "overcome-able" due to the many advances in IVF. I was not at all prepared to hear that my uterus had abnormalities -- and abnormalities that have serious consequences to a pregnancy. I feel that it's 'worse' than any tubal defect, because it kind of takes IVF off the table, hence it takes out a lot of what I felt science could help us with. It made me feel more hopeless, to be honest, and my heart broke a whole lot more. I knew Buddha told me that there was something I needed to know, so I needed to take the test. (Honestly, it was also why I delayed actually doing the procedure. Dr Manahan recommended it to me way back in July and it took me almost 5 cycles to get it done) But I felt He was overestimating my strength of resolve in throwing me this curveball. I had always assumed my challenge was in conceiving. I didn't know even carrying will most likely be difficult as well.
Don't be so shocked by my reaction though. I've always been more a realist than an optimist.
My husband, on the other, God bless his heart, is so much more of a positive-looking, glass-half-full kind of dude. He reassured me that we will face this together, whatever and wherever it may mean for us down the road. It may mean I'll be on bedrest for the entire pregnancy, it may mean that our baby/ babies will be smaller than ideal and will spend more hospital time -- Whatever it may be, we can overcome it.
As I said, I'm so full of love, even my uterus is heart-shaped.
So there. While we did consider IVF and were even making plans of going to Taiwan next month to do initial tests and consultations, it's now off the table and off our plans. Since my uterus has less space than normal women and will be unable to stretch as far out as a normal uterus would in a pregnancy, then obviously, carrying multiples (twins) which is what IVF usually targets to produce will be dangerous for me.
Next step now is to go back to Dr Manahan this week and see what our game plan will be. I read online that some women have to undergo surgery to try to make their bicornuate more workable. But there are risks associated with that too, and not everyone will be cleared for the surgery. So, we'll see what the next step for me will be.
Whatever the requirements may be, I solemnly swear to go through all that is required of me, even including quitting my job or letting go of anything I may need to, to be able to conceive, carry and deliver a healthy child. I am bargaining, I know, with the universe and with the heavens. But if you've gone through what we have and are still fighting, you use every last card you have and every ounce of courage left, to be able to realise your dream.
I'm ranting.
OK, back to work.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Bittersweet dream
I had a dream the other day. Dennis and I were together in the bathroom (I know, weird right? But continue reading, this won't be a TMI post), and I was about to take a pregnancy test. We both watched as the liquid slowly went up to the testing window of the small plastic panel, and revealed two dark lines. Positive, in other words. I remember the feeling of bliss, joy, elation, happiness and all other words synonymous to pure happiness so vividly, I had tears in my eyes when I woke up. The feeling still felt so so so so real hours and days after that morning. I hadn't experienced anything like that before -- that kind of unadulterated, almost out-of-body sense of pure happiness, and it was unlike any pain I've also ever felt in my entire life.
OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.
As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.
OK, I'm probably bringing you way way down on this Friday afternoon with this kind of sharing... but anyway, I wanted to document it so I can hold on to that bittersweet feeling of having a dream come true, in a dream. Hopefully it carries me through all these next months until that dream can finally become true in reality as well.
As an aside, we are now studying our IVF options. More on that in a later post.
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
Busy-bored
Realized something yesterday. While this line of work is very busy (busier in some ways than my previous job, because it covers 3 separate companies and involves shadowing a very busy man), I am also tremendously bored by it. As in I-can-fall-asleep-as-I-talk-or-think-about-it bored.
This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.
You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?
Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.
Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.
This may be why I've been reading more books lately. Haha! Trying to fill my brain, at least in part, with ideas that interest me, to counteract the fact that most of my working hours are not as intellectually stimulating as I would want them to be. Don't get me wrong, the work is challenging, and the targets at hand are more than enough to keep me busy. But I am learning that just because your hands are full doesn't mean your mind and your heart are as well. And I yearn to be working on something that gets my blood pumping in my veins and my brain cells overwhelmed with excitement. This is obviously not it. This industry may be a lot of things, but it's not rocket science and it's not for me.
You may say, why not change things? Walk away? Look for something else?
Alas, reality bites. It's not like I can afford to walk away from this and pursue my heart's true passion by tomorrow. There is this big-ass bonus we're waiting for in 2015, and I've worked 2/3rds of the way into it already and can honestly say I deserve that payout. Also, I know enough about what's going on on the other side of the fence for me to conclude that I don't want to go back there anyway. That leaves no other option. So stay put I will.
Busy-bored. Who would've thought I'll ever find myself in this position? Strange territory.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Thoughts
Okay, so everyone knows I'm about as corporate as they come, and while there have been some low points in my career so far, I need to remind myself that, for the most part, I have been extremely blessed. Probably 90% of my 10 years of working have been good- and the 10% that haven't been tiptop good were, at the very least, bearable. I've had only good bosses in my working life so far -- mentors that have made me learn & grow, not just slave away and work at their mercy. I have been financially and intellectually rewarded, and have handled some really good people as subordinates.
However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.
It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.
I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.
So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p
Thanks for reading!
However, lately, I must confess I've been thinking about alternative paths -- paths that do not necessarily involve a corporate contract, a set 9-5 (or 6 or 7) time-in-and-time-out and a steady 15-30 paycheck. I don't know exactly what led to this, but I cannot deny the temptation to veer away from the path I've been on and check out what other options there are, in the name of having more flexible hours, applying my MBA degree to real life and being able to dedicate more time to other personal pursuits. I've been toying with the idea of delving into entrepreneurship - 3 business ideas so far, actually - and maybe going into consulting. My parents are also asking if I am interested in helping out my dad. To be honest, the idea is both attractive to me (because I would love to help out my dad and possibly lower his stress level) and stressful at the same time (because after all, he is STILL my dad and I long to keep our conversations work-free the way they are now). Options, options.
It doesn't help constrain my wandering mind to have a husband also contemplating the same train of thought. He is virtually on the same boat as me - meaning, we have nothing really bad to complain about in our professional lives, but we are both thinking of where else we can be of value and how else we can feel more maximized. He has considered many options so far - going back to school for a Public Management/Administration degree (but to what end - does that mean he wants to go into public service?), considering going into independent practice (in which case the overhead expenses become his sole responsibility), etc.
I guess another side effect of waiting to get pregnant is to keep planning around it -- specifically, planning to earn more free time for a baby that is yet to come.
So there are these thoughts. They're just thoughts, really, but I figured why not jot them down for future reference :p
Thanks for reading!
Friday, September 06, 2013
Monday, August 12, 2013
FIBA
OK, there are many highlights to the 2013 FIBA Asia held in Manila. Gilas placed 2nd and booked a spot to FIBA 2014 in Spain. Manila did an amazing job hosting the tournament. Lots of game highlights can be found on youtube. But I only want to remember this one particular personal highlight: I was able to bring my family, especially my dad, to the FIBA games. My brothers loved the sport, and my dad loved the opportunity to be in the patron area and hobnob with the people he calls "VVIP". My dad is a starstruck corporate & political-scene fan, on top of being a basketball lover. The look of joy in his face was indescribable and the heart of a daughter beating inside my chest kept swelling up with pride and happiness. He got to take so many photos with these "VVIP"s and got to shake so many hands. He had a front-row seat to the feat that Gilas landed, and was among the thousands of cheering fans when they won that match against Korea. He was so happy and sent me a text last night expressing this joy and his gratitude.
You see, my dad is highly "choosy"-- it's supremely hard to excite him and elicit a reaction, and that makes this "achievement" mean so much more to me. Yes, it did cost me quite a lot of money to make it happen, but it was money so well spent. It's rare for me to have an opportunity like this. And I'm also grateful to have such a supportive and loving husband who didn't mind the expense and recognized what we were actually buying with that amount.
Love you, Papa - so much more than I can ever express.
You see, my dad is highly "choosy"-- it's supremely hard to excite him and elicit a reaction, and that makes this "achievement" mean so much more to me. Yes, it did cost me quite a lot of money to make it happen, but it was money so well spent. It's rare for me to have an opportunity like this. And I'm also grateful to have such a supportive and loving husband who didn't mind the expense and recognized what we were actually buying with that amount.
Love you, Papa - so much more than I can ever express.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
A bit of TTC humor
Here's a bit of TTC humor to jumpstart this long weekend. I got my period yesterday and was feeling kinda low, as I was hoping the extreme relaxation at Siem Reap would've helped us bag our first pregnancy. Oh well, it's not meant to be. Dennis did cheer me up though by trying to act out a mini skit (I know, it's hard to imagine my teddy bear husband doing this but that's how much he loves me) showing how our baby is choosing to play peek-a-boo with mommy and daddy and teasing us before he/she makes the grand entrance.
The same idea is shown in this pic :p
Happy long weekend!
The same idea is shown in this pic :p
Happy long weekend!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Siem Reap
is the "place we haven't been to before" vacation of 2013. We agreed that we will try our best to visit one "new place" every year, and there happened to be a great deal on airfare to Siem Reap (only 3,500 per person, yay!) so off we went to have a delayed celebration for Dennis' birthday.
And it turned out to be one of our favorite vacation spots. SR has a good mix of enough places to see and visit, and not too many distractions that will make you feel like sitting idly in a cafe and people-watching would be a waste of vacation time. It was a very chill kind of place, and we loved it! I think this was our most well-rested vacation, where upon arrival to Manila, we did not feel like we needed another vacation to recover from the vacation we just went on.
Food is cheap and good. The place is safe for tourists and there are many hotel options that don't break the bank (ours was a 4-star hotel at only $60 per night with so many free inclusions like free round-trip airport transfers, free laundry, free minibar, free breakfast & free room upgrade!). Shopping is a bit limited though, but the nice ones that are worth your dollars are also quite affordable. Tuktuks everywhere also make going around easy.
And of course, the reason one would go to SR would be to see the biggest religious complex in the world and one of the Wonders of the World - the Angkor Wat complex. It IS a must-see, at least once in your lifetime. It's marvelous how the complex was put up and how it remains so well-preserved until this day.
In fact, the Philippines can learn so much from SR. They maintained their best features / sites so well, and they take care of their tourists. Even their airport can kick all of our 3 NAIA's butts. Tsk tsk. To think this country just completely ended civil war about 12 or so years ago, and how well they have recovered and gotten back up. Galing!
So yes, visit Siem Reap when you can! :)
And it turned out to be one of our favorite vacation spots. SR has a good mix of enough places to see and visit, and not too many distractions that will make you feel like sitting idly in a cafe and people-watching would be a waste of vacation time. It was a very chill kind of place, and we loved it! I think this was our most well-rested vacation, where upon arrival to Manila, we did not feel like we needed another vacation to recover from the vacation we just went on.
Food is cheap and good. The place is safe for tourists and there are many hotel options that don't break the bank (ours was a 4-star hotel at only $60 per night with so many free inclusions like free round-trip airport transfers, free laundry, free minibar, free breakfast & free room upgrade!). Shopping is a bit limited though, but the nice ones that are worth your dollars are also quite affordable. Tuktuks everywhere also make going around easy.
And of course, the reason one would go to SR would be to see the biggest religious complex in the world and one of the Wonders of the World - the Angkor Wat complex. It IS a must-see, at least once in your lifetime. It's marvelous how the complex was put up and how it remains so well-preserved until this day.
In fact, the Philippines can learn so much from SR. They maintained their best features / sites so well, and they take care of their tourists. Even their airport can kick all of our 3 NAIA's butts. Tsk tsk. To think this country just completely ended civil war about 12 or so years ago, and how well they have recovered and gotten back up. Galing!
So yes, visit Siem Reap when you can! :)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Mom-in-waiting
Both my sisters in law were briefly pregnant and are now both not pregnant anymore. One had a chemical pregnancy so wasn't technically pregnant, but hey a conception is a conception, regardless of whether or not it was able to implant. My other sister in law had a more painful experience -- getting confirmed to be pregnant, hearing the heartbeat, being told to go on bedrest then finding out that the baby no longer had heartbeat on its 8th week. I am only observing from the outside but even I felt immense sadness and can only imagine the pain of hearing the heartbeat only to have it taken away. I don't even want to think about it. How can a baby be there one second and be gone the next?
That's why sometimes I wonder if I am better off in my current situation of not having anything happen at all, rather than fall pregnant, be over the moon about it, get all excited and hopeful, only to come crashing down to earth.
Then again, I guess all this is still worth it to go through, if only to learn from the experience, have a better chance next time and hopefully be able to give birth to a bouncing, beautiful baby.
To each her own path, I guess.
I pray for all broken-hearted moms-in-waiting.
Sunday, July 07, 2013
:-/
Trying not to be too let-down, even if we did get a tip already before to manage expectations. It's just so tough.
I wish.
I wish many things.
Oh well.
Monday, July 01, 2013
Halfway through 2013
It's July 1, so that means we just passed the halfway mark through 2013. Lots to look forward to : Siem Reap in July, China in September, Bangkok in October and Baguio again in December. We would've added another trip in August but well, that didn't work out hehe. Also look forward to my husband pursuing hjs acqdemic plans-- which I prefer and support over the foreign-service idea before. Then before we know it, the year will be over and it'll be 2014! How fast!
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I am only human so let me get this off my chest....
Whenever I see posts from pregnant women who are whining, complaining or bitching (the stages of complaining) about their symptoms, whether it's morning sickness, fatigue, bodyaches, zits, etc., I feel like telling them, "Ok I'll take all your symptoms away but can that mean I take on your pregnancy for you too?" I know that I feel this way because they have something I don't have, but it just strikes me as.... Okay, since I'm getting ultra honest here.... as unbelievably ungrateful to be complaining about temporary discomforts when these are a small price to pay in exchange for a blessing that some women would PAY to have. The way I see it, the aches and pains come with the territory --- a territory that you presumably wanted to enter in the first place. You've been blessed with a gift-- a gift not everyone gets to have-- so take it lock, stock and barrel.
Because really, at the end of the day, women like me would KILL, PAY and BEG (choose whichever desperate action you prefer) to be in your acne-laden, nauseous, bloated and overly fatigued positions. We'll take all that in exchange for a baby on the way. We'll take your OB checkups over our fertility consults and invasive procedures. We'd rather be in your shoes. And you wouldn't want to be in our symptom-free, baby-free ones. If you knew just how closely infertile women stalk symptoms, magnify every little ache or nausea, in the hopes of joining your club, I believe you'd see your symptoms for the blessings that they truly are.
It's like rich people telling poor people the hassles of having money. Or privileged kids in school whining about homework to street children. Or that they don't like the baon that was packed for them. Earns the "tang ina naman" response, right?
So please. Please choose which side you wanna be in. And take all that that side entails. You will not be uncomfortable forever. But you will be someone's mom forever. Some of us are still waiting if our turn to be that will ever come.
Ok, glad that's off my chest. If you're one of these women, please don't take offense. Nothing personal. Just a general sentiment.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Monday, June 03, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
MD
So, it's the second year in a row that I got my period on Mothers' Day. Last year was pretty rough on me, but this year, there's been an improvement in how I received this, well, unwelcome visitor. I guess what's different now is that I am letting time & fate do their jobs.
But still hoping and praying that I get the one promotion I've been praying for and the one completely and utterly out of my hands.
Happy mothers' day to all moms out there. Hopefully, it's in my fate to join your ranks by next year.
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Bye for now
Bye for now to this super-convenient setup I have with my condo and my office. Bye for now to the hours of my life saved by just being 3 minutes away from my work. Bye for now to the peace of mind from being able to go home anytime I need to, whether my maid has a health emergency (one time she had a severe allergic reaction to tuna) or if I need to go home an d rest because I don't feel well. Bye for now to eating lunch at home, leisurely watching tv or catching a short nap before heading off to work. Bye for now to not minding OT work because I am just a stone's throw away from my condo (and my waiting husband).
I know it may seem like a small thing but I really do love this setup I've had for over 2 years now. It makes everyday just a sliver better. I need to say a proper good ye to this super convenient setup and start acclimatizing again to riding a vehicle to and from the office :p
Monday, May 06, 2013
Trips for balance year!
Apart from the annual Co Family trip to China every September, we have the following trips lined up for 2013 :
1. Siem Reap in July for Dennis' birthday
2. Bangkok in October with FILC and husbands
Yay!!!!
1. Siem Reap in July for Dennis' birthday
2. Bangkok in October with FILC and husbands
Yay!!!!
Thursday, May 02, 2013
I'm in Chuvaness!
Haha! This really cracked me up. I was in Grace Park the other day, with a good friend of mine, and upon sitting, I already noticed the party in front of us, composed of Chuvaness, her husband and their really loud friends. I didn't really mind them anymore afterward though I noticed they seem to be in celebration mode.
Then 2 days later, voila! I'm famous. Haha!
Then 2 days later, voila! I'm famous. Haha!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
More changes a-coming....
So, apparently, the grand plan does not end at me changing bosses, which happened a bit under 2 months ago. This plan of epic genius-levels also involve me changing companies, along with my boss. This new change is still quite new and I'm not yet done processing how I feel about it, but with divine help, I am able to chart a course for myself and be entirely, utterly, 100% sure of where I want to go (and where I don't want to stay). I am so so so so so thankful for having this "tip" and being guided and protected and blessed by Buddha. Thank you, thank you. I acknowledge that not everyone has the same opportunity and not everyone will have their choice followed, and for this I am deeply grateful.
I also cannot help but concede, life really isn't about OUR plans. This is a tall order for me, because I am such a planner and a meticulous planner at that. I like to be prepared and I prefer to ready myself before making big leaps and changes in my life. But now I understand and accept that not everything can be controlled at my level. We may make our overall plans and direct our lives a certain way, but that has a limitation. It ends at the same spot where divine plans start. And I am in complete awe of this plan that Buddha has for me, to enable the course of my life to go in my favor and to protect me.
There are still many uncertainties, and the details have yet to be filled up and accounted for. But for now, what matters most is I am at peace with my decision and there's no turning back.
I also cannot help but concede, life really isn't about OUR plans. This is a tall order for me, because I am such a planner and a meticulous planner at that. I like to be prepared and I prefer to ready myself before making big leaps and changes in my life. But now I understand and accept that not everything can be controlled at my level. We may make our overall plans and direct our lives a certain way, but that has a limitation. It ends at the same spot where divine plans start. And I am in complete awe of this plan that Buddha has for me, to enable the course of my life to go in my favor and to protect me.
There are still many uncertainties, and the details have yet to be filled up and accounted for. But for now, what matters most is I am at peace with my decision and there's no turning back.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Time for a deadline?
They say a goal without timelines is just a dream. Recently, I've begun to wonder if we should start setting a deadline for... nature to run its course and set a point when we start going back to embracing the wonders of sciece.
It's a treacherous path to traverse. On one hand, you don't want to "run out of time" and feel that you should get your ass moving to be able to achieve this dream (or goal) that you have. On the other, you also think maybe some things aren't meant to be rushed and are not meant to be decided upon by anyone else but God.
What to do... What to do...
It's a treacherous path to traverse. On one hand, you don't want to "run out of time" and feel that you should get your ass moving to be able to achieve this dream (or goal) that you have. On the other, you also think maybe some things aren't meant to be rushed and are not meant to be decided upon by anyone else but God.
What to do... What to do...
Friday, March 29, 2013
Alabang staycation
We checked into B Hotel in Alabang yesterday and are staying until tomorrow. So far so good! We realized that this may just be the best staycation spot for us because:
- The hotel we found had a reasonable set of room rates, but more importantly,
- Alabang is near enough to Makati yet far enough to make us feel that we actually went somewhere. This is important to instill a "we're on vacay" mindset.
- Alabang is not a usual destination for us. We probably only come by once or twice in a year. It's not only against Dennis' principles to pay so much in toll and other fees just to go to a city within Metro Manila's jurisdiction but also because there's not much to come for here that you can't get in Makati.
- Alabang is deserted during vacations such as Holy Week. Residents are either just at home or are out of town.
- I do love the wide, palm tree-lined streets and the fresh air. And the urban planning within the what I call "nice Alabang" is good and makes it easy to navigate.
- All the major facilities are available and a quality hospital is nearby in case you need to rush to the ER. We did today. Long story.
- There are some good eats to be had! A major selling point.
- Most importantly.... The vibe is so chill -- perfect for staycations. And the service crew are so nice and friendly. Thumbs up! Such a great place to spend this long break in. It has really recharged us, reset our brains and taken all our stress away. We do feel as refreshed as if we went away for a vacay. But less tired and less poor than if we went abroad.
So I guess we'll be back! ;)
- The hotel we found had a reasonable set of room rates, but more importantly,
- Alabang is near enough to Makati yet far enough to make us feel that we actually went somewhere. This is important to instill a "we're on vacay" mindset.
- Alabang is not a usual destination for us. We probably only come by once or twice in a year. It's not only against Dennis' principles to pay so much in toll and other fees just to go to a city within Metro Manila's jurisdiction but also because there's not much to come for here that you can't get in Makati.
- Alabang is deserted during vacations such as Holy Week. Residents are either just at home or are out of town.
- I do love the wide, palm tree-lined streets and the fresh air. And the urban planning within the what I call "nice Alabang" is good and makes it easy to navigate.
- All the major facilities are available and a quality hospital is nearby in case you need to rush to the ER. We did today. Long story.
- There are some good eats to be had! A major selling point.
- Most importantly.... The vibe is so chill -- perfect for staycations. And the service crew are so nice and friendly. Thumbs up! Such a great place to spend this long break in. It has really recharged us, reset our brains and taken all our stress away. We do feel as refreshed as if we went away for a vacay. But less tired and less poor than if we went abroad.
So I guess we'll be back! ;)
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Mother-and-child
Once I laid eyes on this beauty, it immediately grabbed me and made me fall in love with it. For two days afterward, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Something in the tender way the mom caresses the child... The way the colors depict the warmth of her love.. The way the many layers of cloth wrapped around them make the viewer feel the same comfort... The way you see her skin, so open and available, the same way she will be to her child.. Love love love. So, it was decided, I had to have it.
So tadaaaaa.... Yey! Love love love!!!!
A friend of mine also told me to treat it like a vision board :) Why not?! Let's also pray this will bring magic into our lives and let the vision come to fruition :)
So tadaaaaa.... Yey! Love love love!!!!
A friend of mine also told me to treat it like a vision board :) Why not?! Let's also pray this will bring magic into our lives and let the vision come to fruition :)
Our home
Our home is now officially ours!!! As of last Friday, that is. We handed over the last cheque to close our mortgage, release the title in our name and officially own our home and very first real property! It's one of the best days of 2013 already!:)
I'm so very proud of us for this achievement. Not only have we finished paying for this home, we've started on our second property and have also gotten a second car. We've dabbled more in stocks and have also (as of yesterday) bought our second piece of art (which I love love love, but will be discussed more in a separate entry). I'm so proud, and I'm even more thankful. Attitude of gratitude, as I like to say, is what I'm all about lately. I can't say thank you enough to Buddha for these blessings and for giving me the world's best husband. I know I complain sometimes and I pine for what (or rather who) I do not have, but deep down, I'm a million times thankful for the life I do have.
Thank you!!!!!!
I'm so very proud of us for this achievement. Not only have we finished paying for this home, we've started on our second property and have also gotten a second car. We've dabbled more in stocks and have also (as of yesterday) bought our second piece of art (which I love love love, but will be discussed more in a separate entry). I'm so proud, and I'm even more thankful. Attitude of gratitude, as I like to say, is what I'm all about lately. I can't say thank you enough to Buddha for these blessings and for giving me the world's best husband. I know I complain sometimes and I pine for what (or rather who) I do not have, but deep down, I'm a million times thankful for the life I do have.
Thank you!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Domestic Diva
Lately, I've been really into preparing delicious meals for my husband. I know that I'm as corporate as they come, and I really am, but there's really that special flavor of fulfillment when you excel in the homefront and are able to put a satisfied smile on your husband's face after a good meal. Especially now that he's on a diet and I want to encourage him to stay on it, I keep my eye open for recipes that are friendly to his diet's principles but are also yummy to the palate. So far so good! He's loving the dishes and I'm loving the fact that he's loving them! Hurray!
Who is this person I'm turning into? Hahaha!
#achievementsofadomesticdiva
Who is this person I'm turning into? Hahaha!
#achievementsofadomesticdiva
Monday, February 25, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Here we go...
So I guess my new role starts today. With no prior notice and no warning, my (new) boss just invited me to the ManCom meeting today and I guess that was supposed to be my cue to start this new role.
It's just a bit offfooting, to report to someone so senior. Half the time I'm just guessing what I should do next, or if a certain question in my head even warrants being spoken out loud to him. Since his rank is so much higher and he is not the type (and shouldn't anymore be) to delve into operational details, I'm left wondering how to figure out the kinks and the details without his explanation.
Hmmm..
Such strange territory.
Guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.
Oh and in other news, I got my period on Chinese New Year Eve. As I tweeted, it was such a poetic ending to the Dragon year - the year that was supposed to be "against" my sign. I was counting on it arriving tomorrow, actually, but no no no, as is the tradition between me and my lovely time-of-the-month, "she" just had to show up on such a poignant time. In the past, "she" also never passed on the chance to show up on a big day. When I was younger and in school, she would show her face on exam day or a big day like a student council election when I was running for office, or prom night, or the first day of school. When I started working, it would show up on my first day on the job or during a particularly stressful day. When I started wanting to get pregnant, it showed up on Mothers' Day.. and just recently, at the close of the Dragon Year. Hay. You little period, you. If I didn't know better, I would think you're picking on me. :p
It's just a bit offfooting, to report to someone so senior. Half the time I'm just guessing what I should do next, or if a certain question in my head even warrants being spoken out loud to him. Since his rank is so much higher and he is not the type (and shouldn't anymore be) to delve into operational details, I'm left wondering how to figure out the kinks and the details without his explanation.
Hmmm..
Such strange territory.
Guess I'll just have to figure it out as I go along.
Oh and in other news, I got my period on Chinese New Year Eve. As I tweeted, it was such a poetic ending to the Dragon year - the year that was supposed to be "against" my sign. I was counting on it arriving tomorrow, actually, but no no no, as is the tradition between me and my lovely time-of-the-month, "she" just had to show up on such a poignant time. In the past, "she" also never passed on the chance to show up on a big day. When I was younger and in school, she would show her face on exam day or a big day like a student council election when I was running for office, or prom night, or the first day of school. When I started working, it would show up on my first day on the job or during a particularly stressful day. When I started wanting to get pregnant, it showed up on Mothers' Day.. and just recently, at the close of the Dragon Year. Hay. You little period, you. If I didn't know better, I would think you're picking on me. :p
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Time to get kikay-- 31 is around the corner!
Inspired by the Yahoo article, I want to get this from Benefit!!! It'll help me in the quest to stay "31-looking". Hehehe.
It's all clear to me now.
It's clear to me now which choice to make. Thank you, SSK, for the clarity and the sense of peace. I really cannot have everything. Sometimes, it's a matter of what kind of (potential) regret you will be more willing to live with. It helps decide which sacrifice is best to be made, for the sake of which blessing or choice you would rather have.
Thank you.
Truth be told, the decision was easy to make. Once I got a clearer view of the possible repercussions of each path, it was a NO-BRAINER.
But that's not to say there was no mourning to be done. There was. A good deal of it. For the professional in me. For the part of me that longs for achievement and professional actualization. For the part of me that LOVES this kind of work and LOVES the team I work with. For the part of me that has always been such a go-getter and never a by-stander. For the part of me that attaches a lot of self-worth to my work.
But maybe, all things need to end. Or at least you need to change some things around to get some things to change.
Get it? :p
Now, can we get a move on and get this done?! Game na ako! :)
Thank you.
Truth be told, the decision was easy to make. Once I got a clearer view of the possible repercussions of each path, it was a NO-BRAINER.
But that's not to say there was no mourning to be done. There was. A good deal of it. For the professional in me. For the part of me that longs for achievement and professional actualization. For the part of me that LOVES this kind of work and LOVES the team I work with. For the part of me that has always been such a go-getter and never a by-stander. For the part of me that attaches a lot of self-worth to my work.
But maybe, all things need to end. Or at least you need to change some things around to get some things to change.
Get it? :p
Now, can we get a move on and get this done?! Game na ako! :)
Monday, January 28, 2013
"I Don't Know How She Does It"
If you've seen this movie, you know that strange feeling of wanting to be in 2 places at once, doing 2 things at once, and just basically wishing you can split your body into 2 and fulfill 2 roles.
I know that, in my last blog post, I wished for an opportunity to arrive, to get me excited again in my work days. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I love my team. But I realized that I feel like I've outgrown my current capacity and that I can still do more. I think this also started from my "subbing" for my boss when she is not around. I'm her right-hand (wo)man, and the time she was on ML and the times she would not be around, I would slip into her role as brand head like fish does to water. And while this makes me feel good that I am able to stretch myself to the next role, it also makes me think, "If I can fulfill that function and work at that (next) level, then how come I'm not yet there officially?"
Anyway, I know that I wished for an opportunity, and I guess when God hears a prayer, he REALLY hears it. Two opportunities are about to cross my way, and I thank the chance to be given a heads-up before I need to make a final decision. Route #1 presents the growth I wanted - to head a brand and be in charge of a business from start to end. Route #2 presents growth that I did NOT anticipate at all, but presents the possibility of a bigger growth trajectory. It is an opportunity with so much potency, which presents a stark contrast from route #1 which is so filled with certainty for me -- I can do that job from Day 1 and hit the ground running. This unexpected route #2 takes me out of my comfort zone and out of the career track I had built for myself. It also means it carries risk that I'm not sure I am prepared for - taking myself out of the "action" and being more consultative than executive. It's so far off from what I'm used to, and it's more full of "maybe"'s than anything.
And today, given that I am who I am, I became struck with an option. As opposed to just Route #1 VS Route #2, WHAT IF... Just WHAT IF... I ask for BOTH!
Wild, right?
I know.
I'm probably the only one who'd even consider such a thing.
But I am excited. It's the best of both worlds! Right?
And also scared. What if the "worst" of these 2 worlds prove to be more than I can handle? It's either I will high-five myself for a good choice made or I will kick myself for getting spread too thinly.
What about my personal dream of being a mother? What if these 2 jobs end up taking me farther away from that?
But then again, if I had to choose, which one?!
And since the BIG boss will be offering me the Route #2, is it even possible to turn it down?!
So many thoughts in my head right now. The overarching feeling is this excitement.. and hunger.. hunger to take it all on and not miss on an opportunity. Yet there's also this fear.. of biting off more than I can chew and being in over my head, and missing out on my personal dream. It's either I go for #1, #2 or a combo of both.
The combo sounds good..
Then again...
There's only 24 hours in a day and only 5 days in a working week. There are limits to my capacities, yet these are the same limits I am excited to push and see how far I can go. I studied so much and worked so well all these years, that I'm so excited to see where it can all take me.. how far up I can go and how much I can accomplish. Then again, when I do get pregnant and have a wee one, will I still relish the fact that my job is so challenging? Or will I curse the day I took it?!
Omg.
I am not making sense. How do high-flying career mothers do it?!?
Wild.
After everything I said, I still have no answer.
:-/
I know that, in my last blog post, I wished for an opportunity to arrive, to get me excited again in my work days. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, and I love my team. But I realized that I feel like I've outgrown my current capacity and that I can still do more. I think this also started from my "subbing" for my boss when she is not around. I'm her right-hand (wo)man, and the time she was on ML and the times she would not be around, I would slip into her role as brand head like fish does to water. And while this makes me feel good that I am able to stretch myself to the next role, it also makes me think, "If I can fulfill that function and work at that (next) level, then how come I'm not yet there officially?"
Anyway, I know that I wished for an opportunity, and I guess when God hears a prayer, he REALLY hears it. Two opportunities are about to cross my way, and I thank the chance to be given a heads-up before I need to make a final decision. Route #1 presents the growth I wanted - to head a brand and be in charge of a business from start to end. Route #2 presents growth that I did NOT anticipate at all, but presents the possibility of a bigger growth trajectory. It is an opportunity with so much potency, which presents a stark contrast from route #1 which is so filled with certainty for me -- I can do that job from Day 1 and hit the ground running. This unexpected route #2 takes me out of my comfort zone and out of the career track I had built for myself. It also means it carries risk that I'm not sure I am prepared for - taking myself out of the "action" and being more consultative than executive. It's so far off from what I'm used to, and it's more full of "maybe"'s than anything.
And today, given that I am who I am, I became struck with an option. As opposed to just Route #1 VS Route #2, WHAT IF... Just WHAT IF... I ask for BOTH!
Wild, right?
I know.
I'm probably the only one who'd even consider such a thing.
But I am excited. It's the best of both worlds! Right?
And also scared. What if the "worst" of these 2 worlds prove to be more than I can handle? It's either I will high-five myself for a good choice made or I will kick myself for getting spread too thinly.
What about my personal dream of being a mother? What if these 2 jobs end up taking me farther away from that?
But then again, if I had to choose, which one?!
And since the BIG boss will be offering me the Route #2, is it even possible to turn it down?!
So many thoughts in my head right now. The overarching feeling is this excitement.. and hunger.. hunger to take it all on and not miss on an opportunity. Yet there's also this fear.. of biting off more than I can chew and being in over my head, and missing out on my personal dream. It's either I go for #1, #2 or a combo of both.
The combo sounds good..
Then again...
There's only 24 hours in a day and only 5 days in a working week. There are limits to my capacities, yet these are the same limits I am excited to push and see how far I can go. I studied so much and worked so well all these years, that I'm so excited to see where it can all take me.. how far up I can go and how much I can accomplish. Then again, when I do get pregnant and have a wee one, will I still relish the fact that my job is so challenging? Or will I curse the day I took it?!
Omg.
I am not making sense. How do high-flying career mothers do it?!?
Wild.
After everything I said, I still have no answer.
:-/
Monday, January 21, 2013
Meaning
As I read in a blog, "HAPPINESS fades away, MEANING is enduring."
I've been hoping to "stumble" upon what I hope can be my next professional step. It can be a new position in a new company, thereby replacing my current day-job, or a new project or sideline that can lead to something substantial, thereby adding an extra oomph to my usual day, especially when my day-job gives me the headaches.
I hope to be able to find it soon. I've been so inspired by my brother and sister-in-law, both of whom are happy to report that they've made a business venture out of their respective passions. I must admit it gives work a different dimension -- to be doing something that makes your heart sing and fills up your pocket as well.
Hope to get struck by my own lightbulb moment soon :)
I've been hoping to "stumble" upon what I hope can be my next professional step. It can be a new position in a new company, thereby replacing my current day-job, or a new project or sideline that can lead to something substantial, thereby adding an extra oomph to my usual day, especially when my day-job gives me the headaches.
I hope to be able to find it soon. I've been so inspired by my brother and sister-in-law, both of whom are happy to report that they've made a business venture out of their respective passions. I must admit it gives work a different dimension -- to be doing something that makes your heart sing and fills up your pocket as well.
Hope to get struck by my own lightbulb moment soon :)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Quite nothing like this
Have you ever wanted something with every fiber of your being? Dreamed of it, prayed for it, planned for it, hoped for it, visualized it almost every day. Asked for it, pleaded for it to the point of begging, willing to trade God all other blessings in exchange for this one gift. Knocked on the door of chance relentlessly and get no response. Then see other people get welcomed into the fold seemingly effortlessly.
Today, I hit a different kind of low in this quest to make our dream come true. I was hit by a thought -- I wish I can find a way to want this a little bit less. I wish there was some kind of lever I can maneuver-- a knob of some sort that I can twist downward-- just to minimize this yearning a little, tiny bit. Just enough to give me some respite from the emotional turmoil. I wish I have a way to want it less, so my heart can break a little bit less as well. Unfortunately, in a thing like this, there's no halfway mark. It's either you want it or you don't. And once you want it, there's no unwanting.
My heart is just so tired. It has sustained so much bruising I fear it has changed color already. It has cried a whole river and a half. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now, I just wish there was a parking bay I can take my heart to.
Today, I hit a different kind of low in this quest to make our dream come true. I was hit by a thought -- I wish I can find a way to want this a little bit less. I wish there was some kind of lever I can maneuver-- a knob of some sort that I can twist downward-- just to minimize this yearning a little, tiny bit. Just enough to give me some respite from the emotional turmoil. I wish I have a way to want it less, so my heart can break a little bit less as well. Unfortunately, in a thing like this, there's no halfway mark. It's either you want it or you don't. And once you want it, there's no unwanting.
My heart is just so tired. It has sustained so much bruising I fear it has changed color already. It has cried a whole river and a half. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow but for now, I just wish there was a parking bay I can take my heart to.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Paying it forward...
I've been blessed to have very good bosses in my 10 years of working, and at this point in my career, I care more about paying this "goodness" forward, rather than managing upwards and impressing upper management. I care more about mentoring young people, caring for their professional development and making sure that they stay inspired. Perhaps this is also why I enjoy teaching so much. For me, there is much more fulfillment in enabling others, rather than helping myself. Of course, this is not to say I don't do anything for myself in the corporate arena. It's just that I derive so much more contentment from the former.
Since I was on leave the last 5+ working days of 2012, I had missed receiving personally the gifts of my team. I'm attaching some of the notes that my younger guys had written me. It warmed my heart to read these notes this morning. What a great way to jumpstart 2013. You know you're doing a good job as a boss when someone refers to you as their "good karma." Being Buddhist, this compliment means 1,000,000 times more to me.
This is the best payoff for all that work done in 2012 :)
Since I was on leave the last 5+ working days of 2012, I had missed receiving personally the gifts of my team. I'm attaching some of the notes that my younger guys had written me. It warmed my heart to read these notes this morning. What a great way to jumpstart 2013. You know you're doing a good job as a boss when someone refers to you as their "good karma." Being Buddhist, this compliment means 1,000,000 times more to me.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Hello, 2013!!!
You've been pretty eventful, 2012. Please stand up and take my grateful applause for a job well done. You saw me through the last stretch of MBA school and even gave me the lone distinction honor in my graduation batch. You had us go to HK twice, then to Singapore to catch Wicked, Bangkok to discover beautiful temples and to China with my family. You also pointed us towards the direction of The Grove and gave us enough prosperity to buy our second condo unit. You marked my 5th year as a Marketing Manager and surprised me with unexpected career highlights : a promotion to Senior Manager and the YMMA award! The 5th manager-year also gave me a new Innova (again, prosperity). You also made me a godmother the second time around, and gave my lola's health her nth wind. My brother married the love of his life, and my youngest brother is on his way to jumpstarting his dream business venture. You continued to bless my parents and my husband, especially in terms of their health and respective financial standings. You also gave me a rambunctious new bunch of students to teach, and new colleagues to mentor. You saw me mark my 30th year of existence and allowed me to spend it with my one true love. You brought fulfillment, prosperity and love. Thank you.
You were uneventful in only 1 area of my life -- my sweetest dream -- and while the fruit of this dream didn't materialize this year, you did pepper it with a lot of learning and personal realizations. I am grateful for the new knowledge and the comfort it brings.
And with that, I am fully ready for you, 2013. I know you bring more blessings with you. Always keep my loved ones safe and healthy, happy and together.
And my dream, please. Please let this be THE year. My heart is bursting with longing and excitement. You have no idea just how loved this child will be. Loved beyond your wildest intention and welcomed with the most open arms ever (remember, we are a tall couple with wide arms :p ).
Cheers!!!!!
You were uneventful in only 1 area of my life -- my sweetest dream -- and while the fruit of this dream didn't materialize this year, you did pepper it with a lot of learning and personal realizations. I am grateful for the new knowledge and the comfort it brings.
And with that, I am fully ready for you, 2013. I know you bring more blessings with you. Always keep my loved ones safe and healthy, happy and together.
And my dream, please. Please let this be THE year. My heart is bursting with longing and excitement. You have no idea just how loved this child will be. Loved beyond your wildest intention and welcomed with the most open arms ever (remember, we are a tall couple with wide arms :p ).
Cheers!!!!!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
No need for HK!
Baguio is the place to be in December! Just as cold and just as cozy! But not as expensive! 👍
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Spend here, spend there
We've been spending more than what we earn, for the past 2 months. Bad bad bad.
Well, I guess we shouldn't feel too guilty since a huge chunk of it went to our medical bills with this treatment that appears to be working for us. Then the other half consists of Christmas shopping, bills, 13th month pay of our driver and maid, and remnants of our HK trip. Upcoming ones are the Baguio trip with my in-laws and the Malaysia trip with the Chans in Feb.
Need to be more conscientious come 2013 though. The math geek in me keeps tabs on how much needs to be put back in the account, for all this to break even. Let's pray for good Smart bonus in April so everything can even out.
:)
Well, I guess we shouldn't feel too guilty since a huge chunk of it went to our medical bills with this treatment that appears to be working for us. Then the other half consists of Christmas shopping, bills, 13th month pay of our driver and maid, and remnants of our HK trip. Upcoming ones are the Baguio trip with my in-laws and the Malaysia trip with the Chans in Feb.
Need to be more conscientious come 2013 though. The math geek in me keeps tabs on how much needs to be put back in the account, for all this to break even. Let's pray for good Smart bonus in April so everything can even out.
:)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The RH debate
Here's the thing. I think people would normally assume because I have firsthand experience with infertility, I would be anti-RH and would be anti-contraception. On the contrary, I am very much pro-RH and am even more convicted about it because of my infertility experience.
The main point behind my stand is that I believe children should be born by choice and not by (unwanted) chance. My experience punctuates this even more. Imagine the joy and love poured upon a child because he or she was wanted, welcomed and dreamed of. Now imagine the reverse when a child is met by unwelcome surprise and dread. I know that children are a blessing (boy do I know that!) so all the more they should be conceived and brought into this world if the parents will be "deserving" of them -- meaning they will be able to give them quality of life, not just an existence of the barest minimum. Sex definitely starts the process of making a child, but being a good parent has nothing to do with sex.
I think this bill is at the heart of it, a population control or a contraception bill. Everything else like maternal care is already provided for by other laws. Sex ed is optional and only for secular schools (which can already mount these already anyway). And this pro-contraception part is what the anti-RH people are getting riled up about.
To each his own. If they feel their religious belief dictates that this is bad, so be it. But I believe in the separation of church and state, and the bill only gives access to these tools. It does not mandate anything. Choice is given to women and I think it's more an injustice to make a woman powerless over her body, than it is to let children go unconceived. An unwanted child is a sadder state to have than an unconceived one. I guess my stand is to spare the child if bringing him to the world will only give him a life of disadvantage. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.
So yes, I'm happy congress passed it. Let's go, RHBill!!!
The main point behind my stand is that I believe children should be born by choice and not by (unwanted) chance. My experience punctuates this even more. Imagine the joy and love poured upon a child because he or she was wanted, welcomed and dreamed of. Now imagine the reverse when a child is met by unwelcome surprise and dread. I know that children are a blessing (boy do I know that!) so all the more they should be conceived and brought into this world if the parents will be "deserving" of them -- meaning they will be able to give them quality of life, not just an existence of the barest minimum. Sex definitely starts the process of making a child, but being a good parent has nothing to do with sex.
I think this bill is at the heart of it, a population control or a contraception bill. Everything else like maternal care is already provided for by other laws. Sex ed is optional and only for secular schools (which can already mount these already anyway). And this pro-contraception part is what the anti-RH people are getting riled up about.
To each his own. If they feel their religious belief dictates that this is bad, so be it. But I believe in the separation of church and state, and the bill only gives access to these tools. It does not mandate anything. Choice is given to women and I think it's more an injustice to make a woman powerless over her body, than it is to let children go unconceived. An unwanted child is a sadder state to have than an unconceived one. I guess my stand is to spare the child if bringing him to the world will only give him a life of disadvantage. I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.
So yes, I'm happy congress passed it. Let's go, RHBill!!!
Monday, December 10, 2012
2012 cycles = not productive
Ok, it's official as of tonight. No baby conceived in 2012.
I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be. There were previous cycles that were much more emotionally tormenting, definitely. The worst so far was the period that arrived at effing Mothers Day, of all goddamn days. The second I am guessing would be the one in October when I came face to face with the reality that it wasn't going to happen before I turned 30. This month's... Well, I did hope, in the same way I would every other cycle. But I guess what's different this time is the sense of control-- that at least, I have some degree of control over our progress in this journey. And I owe this to our doctor. We have both registered very good progress, especially Dennis and his .. Well, swimmers. I'm happy that at least I know we're moving forward. This also makes me hopeful that our baby is on his way. That time may not be now but my heart tells me it will arrive. It's not going to be a question of if. It's going to be a matter of when.
Itaga mo sa bato. I believe.
That's what's different this time.
And though it doesn't make this period pain-free, the hope does make it bearable.
So there you have it, folks. Dragon really isn't my year, that I now know.
So every 12 years, I gotta keep my head low ;)
One other thing: I have the most amazing husband. He is so gentle with me and so understanding -- a great mix of strength and kindness. The antithesis of me. My other half. The only one in this entire world I will ever need. The only one who knows what my heart yearns for, even before my mouth can give off words to express it. The one I know I live and die for.
This is why our baby will surely come along. How can you pass up a daddy like that?
:)
I wasn't as depressed as I thought I would be. There were previous cycles that were much more emotionally tormenting, definitely. The worst so far was the period that arrived at effing Mothers Day, of all goddamn days. The second I am guessing would be the one in October when I came face to face with the reality that it wasn't going to happen before I turned 30. This month's... Well, I did hope, in the same way I would every other cycle. But I guess what's different this time is the sense of control-- that at least, I have some degree of control over our progress in this journey. And I owe this to our doctor. We have both registered very good progress, especially Dennis and his .. Well, swimmers. I'm happy that at least I know we're moving forward. This also makes me hopeful that our baby is on his way. That time may not be now but my heart tells me it will arrive. It's not going to be a question of if. It's going to be a matter of when.
Itaga mo sa bato. I believe.
That's what's different this time.
And though it doesn't make this period pain-free, the hope does make it bearable.
So there you have it, folks. Dragon really isn't my year, that I now know.
So every 12 years, I gotta keep my head low ;)
One other thing: I have the most amazing husband. He is so gentle with me and so understanding -- a great mix of strength and kindness. The antithesis of me. My other half. The only one in this entire world I will ever need. The only one who knows what my heart yearns for, even before my mouth can give off words to express it. The one I know I live and die for.
This is why our baby will surely come along. How can you pass up a daddy like that?
:)
Monday, December 03, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
BFFs
My best friend surprised me with a Tiffany necklace for my 30th birthday. This gift, on top of it being a complete and utter surprise, meant so much to me because it's from my oldest and dearest friend and because it represented my most precious dream. I always felt the Elsa Peretti bean looked like the tiny bean that shows up in an ultrasound during early pregnancy stages. And getting it for my 30th and getting to wear it around my neck made it ven more special. Thank you, Li! Here's to BFFs who just sense what your heart needs and to friendships that withstand time and distance.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
So far so good...
With this new doctor, at least.
We've seen considerable improvement in the 1 month we've been seeing him. It's the most amount of progress we've seen, especially when compared to our past OBs. Thank God. This doc is officially the best person I met this year (in relation to the FILC annual survey questionnaire hehehe)
Here's to hoping the progress keeps going! :)
We've seen considerable improvement in the 1 month we've been seeing him. It's the most amount of progress we've seen, especially when compared to our past OBs. Thank God. This doc is officially the best person I met this year (in relation to the FILC annual survey questionnaire hehehe)
Here's to hoping the progress keeps going! :)
Thursday, November 08, 2012
YMMA
So, I got nominated twice to this marketing awards thing called YMMA - first by my boss and second by my good friend Neil. I initially filled out the info sheet but lost interest in putting together the main entry with all the details asked for. October was a jampacked month for me, with work obligations and personal matters, and the deadline was right on Oct 31. So I decided to forego the application. Besides, to be really honest, I wasn't so hot on entering. I guess watching Neil's awarding last February kind of made me feel iffy about entering -- all that attention and hoolabaloo.
So I thought that was it.
Then yesterday, the founder of this awards thing actually personally texted me, asking when they can expect my entry, even if it's well past the deadline. And guess what, he copied in my boss in his text message! Omg! Sinumbong ako!
So my boss goes to me and pushes me (or rather demands) to submit the data. Put it together now and submit it today. Exag!!!!!!
I still tried to get out of it but to futility. She was bent on it and if you knew my boss, she's the kind of person that pushes for what she wants.
So I'm sending it in today. Yikes.
:-/
So I thought that was it.
Then yesterday, the founder of this awards thing actually personally texted me, asking when they can expect my entry, even if it's well past the deadline. And guess what, he copied in my boss in his text message! Omg! Sinumbong ako!
So my boss goes to me and pushes me (or rather demands) to submit the data. Put it together now and submit it today. Exag!!!!!!
I still tried to get out of it but to futility. She was bent on it and if you knew my boss, she's the kind of person that pushes for what she wants.
So I'm sending it in today. Yikes.
:-/
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